AIBU to think this child has a right to know his true heritage.

[candykat]

I have namechanged for this.

I foster two siblings on a long term basis.
This may sound crazy but when they first came to me I had doubts about who the boys father was. This was because when I was pregnant my midwife noticed my husband has a double crown. She told me that a double crown was the only genetic trait that is always inherited and that ds would have one. When he eventually grew hair he had a double crown, as does fil.

Anyway I don't know if her theory is true but I noticed that the boy had a double crown but his father and sister did not. As I had a good relationship with SW I mentioned this. She confirmed that there had been doubts and the mother had originally wanted a DNA test. After she and the second man involved were beaten up by the alleged father she withdrew her consent for DNA testing.

That was two years ago. I have since learnt that it is commonly accepted by the family and friends that child is not the birth son of this man.

So:
Mother and alleged father are back together in a very violent relationship.

Child has contact with the man he knows as his father.

Child is very scared of man, doesn't like going to contact and often says his daddy is a bad man.

I think the child has a right to know that this man isn't his birth father. I believe it will come out one day anyway as so many people know. And I think it would be less harmful if it is done in a kind and controlled way.
SS are not keen to open a can of worms which will probably result in more violence towards the mother and could be upsetting for both siblings.

So thank you if you have got this far and what do you think?.

1. The double crown thing is stupid.

2. I think you are basically saying, if it were out in the open that this man was not the child's father, contact would no longer continue, which you (and I'm not arguing) think would be in the best interests of the child.

It will come out one day, the child will realise for themselves, and they can then decide what to do about it, so I wouldn't worry about that.

What I would be concerned about is the access between the child and father. Do you think it is harmful for the child? If so, I think you need to discuss this with the social worker.
What is your relationship with their mother like?

Of course the child has a right to know who his/her father is. There is no doubt.

I dont think there is anything you can or should do about it though.

We have a name for my DS's birth father. We have no way of knowing if he is the biological father unless we do DNA. Birth mum sort of chose him to be the dad but its by no means certain.

There are so many kids out there who are going to have to deal with this. I understand your concerns and that you want to protect your DFC but there really is nothing you can do.

Apart from what you are already doing. Give the child the tools and armour it needs to deal with what life throws at it. Build resiliance by showing the child is loved and matters.

What more can you do?

Ok well obviously you can't go into why they definitely will be with you til adulthood.

But this is worth a thought...what if it gets proven that this man is not his real father, and his real father then wants to take care of him? He'll end up going to live with someone he doesn't know and will also be split up for you and his sibling. Bit tough on such a young child don't you think?

If it all comes out in the end, it might be better later rather than sooner so he might at least have a more settled childhood with you.

mutznutz that is a very good point and not something I had thought about. I don't think that would happen as SS would not want to split the two children up, but who knows. I believe the second father does know he is probably birth father. He has shown no interest so far and I have no idea what kind of father he is.

As for the contact, the child is in no physical danger because contact is supervised. Contact is not really frequent and I know SS wouldn't stop it unless child strongly requested it. He is very young and has some SNs so cannot do that in a way that would be listened to at the moment.

Think we need to do what most people say. Keep quiet and help him cope when it does happen.

I think that it is not your place to say anything to the child, you are a foster carer, you are not their parent or social services.

All you can do is voice your concerns but you say nothing, to do so may jepoardise your position as their foster carer as it would show you cannot be trusted.