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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

unsure of writing this list

9 replies

purplefeet · 31/12/2010 13:11

I don't have a great relationship with my family. See parents about once a month, they're not very interested in their GCs. My brother has DC and they see less off my parents even though they live closer. I see bro about once a year. It's not that we fight or anything just don't have much in common and my parents were never that interested in us.

Went to see parents at xmas. They've asked me and bro to go round the house and write down everything we want when they die!!!!

This is because they are having their will rewritten soon and want us to say what we want so it can be clearly stated in the will.

They will compare mine and bros list and then toss a coin if there's any items we both want.

They want us to do this so that we don't have a big falling out over things after they've died.

Parents are 65 and 67 and in excellent health.

I was gobsmacked by this and don't know what to think.

I don't know if I should write the list or not, it just feels too odd to do it. I don't want their money or anything, just want them to enjoy their retirement.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 31/12/2010 13:15

YABU... if this is something that makes them feel better and more organised about what happens after they go then go along with it. This is not about you.

horsemadgal · 31/12/2010 13:17

I think it sounds quite sensible.

IShallWearMidnight · 31/12/2010 13:19

my parents have done this (sort of) as mum saw how nasty it all got when my gran died - there's still a branch of the family who aren't talking to the rest 20 years later.

Only thing by DB and I both want is the grandfather clock, but I'm claiming it as I'm older . TBH it's a running joke in our family now rather than being ghoulish or morbid. I think it's quite a good idea, particularly if there are specific things the parents want to go to specific poeple.

Goblinchild · 31/12/2010 13:22

They want things to be neat and tidy before they die, my parents are in their 70s and are getting rid of stuff they don't want now.
They remember the burden of sorting out my Grandpa's house after he died and didn't want us to go through the same thing.
We did the lists a while back, DB and I.
Sister won't take part, she was horrified at the idea, so my parents didn't push the point and will trust DB and me to be fair about the stuff.
My son has an eye on some of my possessions.
Doesn't mean you don't want them to live to be a hundred, or that you are looking with a vulture's eye. They asked you, and that's the difference.

HMTheQueen · 31/12/2010 13:29

My parents did the same about 10 years ago when they were only in their late 40's/early 50's.

It means that my two Dbro's and I know what's ours so that there is no bickering when the time comes.

But I forsee problems with my mum's jewellery as I live on the opposite side of the world, I can see my SIL going in and taking what she likes... but on the upside - I get all of my dad's original records from the Beatles, Elvis, Abba etc

This is all just for organisations sake... the rate their going, they'll be around for ages! Mum's dad has just had his 95th birthday

Original poster

purplefeet · 31/12/2010 13:37

Thanks for your opinions.

I just can't bear the idea of going round the house with a pen and paper and saying I want this and I want that.

I suppose if I do it now it's over with and hopefully I won't have to worry about it for a long long time and when I do have to worry about it it'll all be sorted.

I'd prefer them to sell things and have some great holidays or buy a new car. But it's their life.

My friends mum died this year and her sisters went straight to the house and took all the jewellery - despite knowing the will stated each sister was to get specific things. My poor friends dh had just walked out on her and she has no money and no energy to see solicitors to get what she was left. Really sad for her.

OP posts:

camdancer · 31/12/2010 13:45

My Gran did this. Some things even had stickers on them with people's names on. There was one light that I said I wanted but when Gran was about to put a sticker on it there was already one with my sister's name on! It did seem a bit odd but it is easier than fighting once she died.

What happened in the end was that she had to move into a care home, so we got the stuff early that she didn't want to take with her. It made the move easier for her because she didn't have to throw loads out and knew we were happy to have the stuff. Nothing was really expensive just nice stuff that reminds us of her. And sadly quite a bit of the jewellery that she took to the home with her has now got lost.

Maybe your parents are thinking of downsizing or will in the future. At least this way they know what is important to you so they don't get rid of it - or sell it. You don't have to claim half of everything, just the things that you feel will remind you of them or of growing up with them.

Original poster

purplefeet · 31/12/2010 13:54

Thanks camdancer.

I can see now that it is a good idea.

It was just totally unexpected on xmas day!

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 31/12/2010 14:02

Do they want you to list everything or just things that are especially important to you?

Perhaps they wat to downsize or declutter and sell or get rid of stuff but don't want to lose something they may not think is important or has memories for you.

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