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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be starting to resent being the main/sole breadwinner

69 replies

Pheebe · 31/12/2010 09:13

I earn massively more than DH, it was never a question really that I would take minimal mat leave and he would be the main carer for the boys. Its enabled us to renovate our home (he has done most of the work) and have a comfortable life. DS2 is now 3 and DH is supposed to be 'back to work' and while he does some occasional work he is showing no signs of really pushing himself or advertising for new business. He's a self employed tradesman but doesn't really want to go back to 'house bashing'. He does have other plans but we're not financially in a position to start them up as yet.

In reality we are sharing care of the kids, I've arranged my day so I usually drop them off where they need to be and finish when they get back from school/nursery but that does mean I often have to work late into the evenings and I am frankly exhausted.

DH has been amazing and his doing up the house has saved us a huge amount of money but I am just so tired of all the financial responsibility being on me. Have tried talking to him but nothing really changes. Not sure how to get it across to him that he needs to bring more money into the family.

Part of me thinks I'm just being lazy, we're financially OK, I get to spend lots of time with the kids and they also get to see loads of their dad. So why do I feel so resentful?

OP posts:

Xenia · 31/12/2010 09:16

Because of sexism? I earned a lot more than my five children's father for most of the marriage. I didn't have a problem with that and he did a lot at home, although to be fair to him he worked very very hard and was a higher rate tax payer.

Why don't you not drop off the children in the mornings some days and try to get back from work earlier if that would work better for you.

There can be no valid basis for a woman to complain about financial obligations when so many housewives out there impose that same sole financial responsibility on men.

NestaFiesta · 31/12/2010 09:18

Your DH is in my position and you are in my DH's position.

Personally looking after my DS2 all day, keeping the house ticking over, shopping, cooking meals and picking up DS1 from school, plus doing my work from home (paid work) in naptime keeps me busy full time. When DS2 starts school, I will work more hours. Why not wait til your DS2 starts school before raising the matter again?

To me it sounds like your DH is pretty busy.

Bonsoir · 31/12/2010 09:20

Pheebe - it sounds as if you are making a greater contribution overall (not just financial) to your family. Of course you feel resentful. You must explain this to your DH very carefully. Don't let it all boil down to money - there is so much more to a happy couple where each adult is valued and valuable than the salary each one makes.

indiechick · 31/12/2010 09:20

It seems a little unfair though if you're having to work in the evenings. I don't think you're being unreasonable expecting him to contribute a bit more. Presumably the house is now fixed up and the three year old is getting his/her free nursery hours. I think you need to talk to him again.

coco2901 · 31/12/2010 09:25

Pheebe, I am in exactly the same position although I haven't had the LO yet (I'm 6months pg) I worry that as he goes part time to be main carer and the earnings gap becomes even wider (I currently earn approx 4 times what he does, this will increase to 6 times) I will start to resent having such a financial burden on my shoulders. We currently share household chores etc equally so perhaps if this balance shifts I will feel differently. I'm always keen not to let on to OH that it bothers me as he works really hard, its just the responsibilty that gets to me.

Sorry if I hijacked your post, just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one and I too will be watching this thread for any helpful advice on dealing with it.

pooka · 31/12/2010 09:29

If he is the SAHD, why is he not dropping the children at school/preschool in the morning? If he did, then you could go into work earlier and maybe rein in the evening work you're doing.

I am a SAHP at the moment. Was working freelance before dc3, but the falling property market has meant that while I had hoped to pick up work again after he was born, that hasn't in the event actually happened. I drop older 2 off at school and collect in the afternoons. DH works regular hours - see the children at 7am for breakfast and is usually back in time for supper at 6pm.

If his main contribution at the moment is to look after the children, then he should be doing that IMO. However, if it's a case of you being protective of the before and after school time you have with the dcs, and that is what results in you working late in the evening, then I'm not entirely sure you're being fair on your DH.

Inertia · 31/12/2010 09:40

If you've agreed that you are the sole breadwinner then it is entirely reasonable to expect your dh to do school and nursery runs to allow you to focus on your job. If there are days when both of you are going out to work then you can negotiate who does the school run.

I am the SAHP atm, neither of us want me to go back to teaching ft, dh appreciates that because I can concentrate on the children and running the house he can concentrate fully on his job. I don't know what I will do for work though- dd2 starts school next year so I need to think about it.

It sounds as though you have the stress of being the sole earner and all the childcare juggling, which is draining.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 09:43

If he's a SAHP, you shouldn't be doing the school run.

Bonsoir · 31/12/2010 09:44

Maybe the OP wants to do the school run, so she sees more of her DCs and keeps in the loop with school? I know lots of WOHPs with SAH partners who do the morning school run and love to do so.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 09:46

She's complaining about having to work evenings, Bonsoir, as she does the school run, and complains she's exhausted.

So, well, solution, he does the school run and she's able to get her work done during the day.

Life's a trade off.

Truckulent · 31/12/2010 09:47

How did he find the time to renovate a house?

I think this can be the problem when a couple have two vastly different salaries, I think you have to see it as 'our' money that is earned.

Truckulent · 31/12/2010 09:49

I thought it was because OP finished work early to see the family was why she worked in the evening.

Bonsoir · 31/12/2010 09:49

It's not at all fair or fun if the SAHP hijacks all the child-related activities when the WOHP wants to share them too, though. Maybe the OP's DH needs to do more chores rather than more childcare to make things fairer?

Original poster

Pheebe · 31/12/2010 09:55

Thanks for the reality checks already

Yes I do contribute more overall in terms of juggling the childcare, housework, cooking etc. DH helps when I ask and I realise this too is a situation of my own making.

I'm not 'complaining' about working in the evening as such as I do treasure my time with the boys. I am just exhausted by it all - being the one who drives everything, thinks about everything, takes control of everything.

DH is a kind, caring, wonderful man and loving attentive and involved father. I love him dearly and have no desire to be anywhere else. But I wish he would take more control in other areas of family llife sometimes.

This should have gone in reltionships

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 31/12/2010 09:56

OP - you need to shift your day and get more done in the mornings - there's nothing wrong with saying you want to be in the office for 8am (or earlier) so your DH has to do the drop offs in the morning, see if you can clear some work and then have less to do in the evenings.

Also, why are you paying out for nursery if your DH doesn't work?

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 09:57

'Yes I do contribute more overall in terms of juggling the childcare, housework, cooking etc. DH helps when I ask and I realise this too is a situation of my own making.'

Yeah, that needs to stop.

Trawl around the nanny threads to get an idea of how much work they do.

Unless you can afford to outsource it further, the SAHP needs to be doing what you'd pay a nanny to do at the least.

Otherwise, what's the point?

FakePlasticTrees · 31/12/2010 09:59

ok - x post - then you need to put him back in charge of looking after the DCs and childcare. And the housework. Really, if he's not actually looking after the DCs, or doing the housework, what does he do all day?

Bonsoir · 31/12/2010 10:00

If you are the breadwinner, I really think that your DH should be doing all the chores during the week and that your family dinner ought to be on the table when you get home, laundry done etc.

Original poster

Pheebe · 31/12/2010 10:01

Thankyou Bonsoir, I think you are getting exactly where I'm coming from.

DH has been able to renovate the house because the boys have been in part time childcare. It really needed doing and he has saved us huge amounts of money and created a wonderful home for us. All done by mutual agreement and willingly

I think the issue arising now is that things are changing, DS1 is in school, ds2 is older and we are making full use of his free hours so there is the opportunity for him to work more and he's not really taking it. Basically I want to pull back (I am self employed but it is a fairly high pressure job) but can't unless he steps up and balances out the loss of earnings

OP posts:

Ephiny · 31/12/2010 10:05

If you were just complaining about the unfairness of a woman having to be the main 'breadwinner' then I would think Xenia had a point - it's no worse for you to have to do it than it is for all the many fathers who work to support their family financially.

But - while they're doing that, they generally expect their 'wife at home' to be taking control of running the household and being the one who keeps track of everything that needs doing to do with the children and the home. So he should really be taking on that role. Not just 'helping when you ask'. If anything it should be the other way round, he should be the one doing the asking!

Maybe you need to 'let go' a bit of the domestic stuff and trust him to manage it in his own way, which might not be exactly the same as yours?

Bonsoir · 31/12/2010 10:06

It isn't really good for your DH not to pull his weight and I can see that he doesn't want to spend his days doing household chores, but of course it isn't good for him or your marriage if he is idle.

Maybe you could support and encourage him to get back to work by setting aside some time to discuss a business plan with him and to help him create a strategy for the NY?

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 10:07

Yy to Bonsoir's last post.

Original poster

Pheebe · 31/12/2010 10:07

expat - yes you're right, I know you are.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 10:08

x-post I mean yy to Bonsoir's 10:00:14 post.

Original poster

Pheebe · 31/12/2010 10:13

No I'm not complaining about being the main breadwinner per se. Apart from anything else I love my job but it can be all consuming and I want to free up more of my time to be with my kids without having to spend it 'running the house'.

Yes, we definitely need more of a plan and I think I do need to abdicate some responsibility to DH and let him run with it (difficult in itself as I am borderline OCD which is probably why I haven't til now)

Lots to think about, thank you everyone. I have to go now as we're all going to the pantomime but will check back later. All your perspectives are very much appreciated

OP posts:

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