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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be starting to resent being the main/sole breadwinner

69 replies

Pheebe · 31/12/2010 09:13

I earn massively more than DH, it was never a question really that I would take minimal mat leave and he would be the main carer for the boys. Its enabled us to renovate our home (he has done most of the work) and have a comfortable life. DS2 is now 3 and DH is supposed to be 'back to work' and while he does some occasional work he is showing no signs of really pushing himself or advertising for new business. He's a self employed tradesman but doesn't really want to go back to 'house bashing'. He does have other plans but we're not financially in a position to start them up as yet.

In reality we are sharing care of the kids, I've arranged my day so I usually drop them off where they need to be and finish when they get back from school/nursery but that does mean I often have to work late into the evenings and I am frankly exhausted.

DH has been amazing and his doing up the house has saved us a huge amount of money but I am just so tired of all the financial responsibility being on me. Have tried talking to him but nothing really changes. Not sure how to get it across to him that he needs to bring more money into the family.

Part of me thinks I'm just being lazy, we're financially OK, I get to spend lots of time with the kids and they also get to see loads of their dad. So why do I feel so resentful?

OP posts:

Xenia · 31/12/2010 10:15

Why do women do this ( some, many of us have more sense than to allow it). It happens all the time. They enable pathetic male behaviour. Why have you let it be that you control and organise everything? Just stop it. It's silly. It's wearing you out.

My ex husband for a time did all the washing. I didn't even think about it. I didn't even know how to work the machine for a few years. He took the children to the dentist for 17 years. I never went once. Just hand over 100% charge of a whole load of tasks to him and you don't even have to think about them. When the family runs out of food and clothes he wlil soon realise the buck stops with him. Never do his jobs and don't criticise him (just have a slice of bread for dinner if he's forgotten to order the food) and smile sweetly but don't enable male laziness like this.

As for you cutting back on work - wait, reality check here. Men die and disappear and even go off with younger women. I can tell you that now in my 40s as a single parent it is hugely hugely easier that I never back tracked on earnings or made career sacrifices for the lovely 5 children otherwise we'd be in a mess now. Just get more help at home. Get him to do more.

As someone said above the best answer is let go on the domestic stuff and let him manage it. You have to tolerate difference and different standards but you migh even find he is better at it than you are. Women are not Gods and men can be better at plenty of household jobs.

I often work in the evneings and I don't mind really particularly now I work for myself but I've been a parent for 26 years so have a long term perspective to it. I am not exhausted because by now the children are older (12 etc) and I can afford more help at home which you won't be able to when your children are older if you rely on this low earning lazy husband earning more. Keep your career on track and have him do more at home. Start today in fact. Don't wait.

Take one task - post it on here say, where you feel you do too much or have to think about it. Say washing or food or cooking or cleaning. Hand it all over to him 100% and forget about it for the next 5 years. What about you doing the school run one day a week not 5 in the orning and get into work very early - I work best early on and he can even get the children toally out of bed on some of those days and instead you leave with no contact with children at all early on, no jobs, nothing - he does it 100% in a few of those mornings.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 10:23

What Xenia said.

raspberryroo · 31/12/2010 10:27

what Xenia said - with knobs on !

MumNWLondon · 31/12/2010 13:05

Its a hard one, but I think you need to sit down with your Dh and explain that you are exhausted and resent that you are working very hard and doing more than half etc of childcare/house stuff - also that you want to cut back completely on working into the evenings.

Unless you want to do morning school run, stop doing it, go straight to work, which should give you an extra hour per morning, hopefully would let you cut down on the evenings. Again, stay at work a bit later one or two evenings to help get the work finished.

If you kids are at school all day and he isn't working during the day, he should be cooking/cleaning/laundry. Different of course if entertaining pre school age child. If he'd prefer not to be doing all this, then he can look for some work, and you can employ a cleaner to do some of it.

minipie · 31/12/2010 13:21

Why do you feel resentful? Because you are doing everything.

As others (esp Xenia) have said, if he is a a SAHD (and wants to be), and you are F/T working, he should be doing much, much more of the childcare and housework than you.

You may well find that once you get him to pick up more of the home work that you are currently doing, you will be less exhausted, you will enjoy working more and you will not want to step back at work so much.

If, however, once he is doing most of the home work, you still feel that you would rather be working less and him earning more, then you should discuss making that change.

But I don't think you should have that discussion until you've tried out the situation where he does his fair share at home.

Chil1234 · 31/12/2010 13:23

If the OP was a man wanting their SAHW to get back in the job market they'd be flamed for this....

lovelyopaque · 31/12/2010 14:39

Yes Chil, they would. I think the difference is that women are not good at abdicating responsibility for things, even when it is justified and needed (apart from Xenia ) Men who are the main breadwinner often do not have this problem and will leave all household issues to the female partner. DH and I both work, although I earn more, and I still feel I have to drive everything and organise. It is my fault though for not letting go, but it is hard to do, and the OP needs to do that.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 14:46

Not by me, Chil, especially if she were sat at home not doing a fair share of the household work, organising, coordinating etc.

It's a job that people are paid to do.

So a person who's sat at home not doing it isn't keeping her/his end of the bargain, regardless of gender.

Xenia · 31/12/2010 14:53

So all she needs is the conversaton with the husband and perhaps some treatment for the OCD so she can leave things to him and not be exhausted.

BrandyAlexander · 31/12/2010 14:58

What Xenia said.

I never understand why women whether SAHM or WOHM put up with situations where in the round, they are doing more than their fair share. OP, as others have said, the issue isn't around you being the sole/main breadwinner, you are focused on the wrong thing there. The issue is that that in addition to you being the sole/main breadwinner, you are also doing most of the things that go with running a family. When my DH went through a few months of taking the p*ss like that, I put my foot down and made it clear that for my sanity, health and happiness, I was not prepared to continue on like that. Lay some boundaries down and as Xenia said, share the jobs out more fairly. People treat you the way in which you allow them to treat you, so if you continue to signal to your DH that its okay for him to not do his fair share, then, yes, that's how he will continue to behave.

lovelyopaque · 31/12/2010 15:00

I need to do this too! I don't know why it is so hard to let things go. I feel guilty leaving things to DH, and I flame myself for it because I know it is pathetic.

Truckulent · 31/12/2010 15:03

I'd love to hear his side, I'm sure renovating a house would be brought up.

BrandyAlexander · 31/12/2010 15:07

Truckulent, no one is accusing the OP's DH of being a malingerer. I would see (as does the OP) the renovation being equivalent to the job that she is doing out of home. However, the point is that they are both doing "jobs" in the widest definition of the word. Her issue is that the is also doing all the other things. So yes, I would like to hear what he has to say to that.

Truckulent · 31/12/2010 15:13

From the OP.

'Yes, we definitely need more of a plan and I think I do need to abdicate some responsibility to DH and let him run with it (difficult in itself as I am borderline OCD which is probably why I haven't til now)'

Divide the tasks let him have responsibility and let him get on with it.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/12/2010 15:15

Are you worried that your business might take a downturn, or do you just want more money coming in than is currently happening?

My DH was happy to be the sole earner when business was looking good, but he was mightily relieved that I went back to work when I did, because on a couple of occasions the company he works for has come perilously close to running out of money, and that is when my income is really crucial (although it is of course lovely to have the rest of the time!).

HappyMummyOfOne · 31/12/2010 15:16

If this was a SAHM moaning, there would be lots of posts saying she should just look after the chidlren and that the DH should assist with the housework etc when getting home. Yet it would appear the other way round the person at home should do everything!!

If it was the other way round and you had done all the renovating and the staying home would you think you had been lazy? Would you be happy if the other person said you needed to return to work?

I think most relationships work better where both adults work as there is less resentment on who stays home and who has no choice but to work.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/12/2010 15:16

Oh - is this about household responsibilities then, rather than money? Both?

porcamiseria · 31/12/2010 15:18

i am in same boat as you and its interesting to read what people say

I think you need to see there are 2 issues

1 - domestic admin
2 - him not being in a rush to work

as IMO they are 2 differemt issues

i often hear people complain that sahds dont do enough domestic stuff. To be honest I think expecting them to be the stepford wife with everything done, dinner on table when you get home is unrealistic, many women cannot manage this stepford wife ideal. so let things slide, do what xenia said, have toast for dinner. dont be so OCD! do less school runs etc, and give him tasks, give them 100% and dont hover

re 2, thats a hard one. but you need to talk as once both are at school its high time, keep me posted!!!! i will have same issue i suspect

and easy to say. be grateful. I think to have a job you like and a good partner and 2 kids, well its great. lots of women hate their jobs, or hate being at home, those of us with good well paid jobs, we are lucky souls

earwicga · 31/12/2010 15:24

In the middle of an economic downturn, which has affected the building trade massively you are expecting him to go pick up paid work without the contacts he would of lost whilst working at home. Possible, but entirely realistic.

As others have said, you need to re-jig housework and child care so it's more equal and you are not so tired.

Litchick · 31/12/2010 17:40

From my perspective, it's not about who earns more, but who has the most time.

Whoever is away from the home most, should naturally do least chores. It's just common sense.

DH works very long hours and is often away, so of course I do more of the day to day running of our home and family.

That's not to say however, that he can get away wiht doing nowt. I subcontract to him numerous tasks that I loath and find more time consuming...bill paying, indeed anything to do with finance for one. Also, all paperwork. I neither know nor care what happens to all those dreadful bank statements, insurance claims etc

A partnership is just that. You play to your strengths.

Litchick · 31/12/2010 17:42

I should add, that I'm sure I would hate being a sole/main breadwinner. Such pressure.

And DH would be a diabolical SAHP.

BelleDameSansMerci · 31/12/2010 17:47

My new year's resolution is to be Xenia (only not in a Single White Female way)...

Xenia · 31/12/2010 17:50

I don';t understand why it's pressure though.I support the family. It doesn't feel pressured at all. Why would I need a man's or anyone else's money as well?

As for being sexist - I have the smae views for women as men - tasks should be fairly divided. If they are fairly divided eg he is minding 3 under 4s sole charge from 8 - 8pm and finding it hard to keep on top of washing and cleaning in that time, fair enough but even then at the weekend perhaps each have a day free whilst the other child minds.

If in fact he does just as much as she does but the children are small and life is hard (it always is when children are young) then it may just be a case of putting up with it for a bit.

If he won't advertise for work perhaps sit down with him and place the ads.

I do agree with Litc about job division. I did all our tax returns, admin, finances because I'm good at that stuff. He dealt with washing . Each to their own but women do need to ensure they don't not know about finances as they tend to get done out of money later on divorce if they are like that. So even if you hate it women should always learn about pensions, know what is on P60s of both partners etc etc rather than just what washing cycle to put the whites on at.

LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2010 17:59

I have just had a friend staying with me and she is in a similar situation to the OP but when I challenged her on why she doesn't get him to do stuff (like make their DD's packed lunch, do the shopping, laundry etc) she said that he wouldn't bother peeling carrots for their DDs lunchbox, would ruin the clothes and would spend the money for shopping on something else.

I find it terribly sad :(

Truckulent · 31/12/2010 18:14

If he was given the responsibility I bet he wouldn't do all those things. Or is it he wouldn't do it as well.

I must admit I've never peeled a carrot for a lunchbox either.

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