To be starting to resent being the main/sole breadwinner

[Pheebe]

I earn massively more than DH, it was never a question really that I would take minimal mat leave and he would be the main carer for the boys. Its enabled us to renovate our home (he has done most of the work) and have a comfortable life. DS2 is now 3 and DH is supposed to be 'back to work' and while he does some occasional work he is showing no signs of really pushing himself or advertising for new business. He's a self employed tradesman but doesn't really want to go back to 'house bashing'. He does have other plans but we're not financially in a position to start them up as yet.

In reality we are sharing care of the kids, I've arranged my day so I usually drop them off where they need to be and finish when they get back from school/nursery but that does mean I often have to work late into the evenings and I am frankly exhausted.

DH has been amazing and his doing up the house has saved us a huge amount of money but I am just so tired of all the financial responsibility being on me. Have tried talking to him but nothing really changes. Not sure how to get it across to him that he needs to bring more money into the family.

Part of me thinks I'm just being lazy, we're financially OK, I get to spend lots of time with the kids and they also get to see loads of their dad. So why do I feel so resentful?

For many years I was in Xenia's position. DH took over the SAHP role when youngest was 4 weeks old. He did this for a number of years when DCs were smaller and we lived abroad. He did all household chores and also found time for DIY jobs and to restore a motorbike. Things have changed a bit but DH still does more of the chores than me. We still try to work things so that all chores are completed during the working day. This gives us 'free time' in evenings and at weekends.

OP - make sure that your DH knows all the chores then leave hime to get on with it. You need to let go. He will do things differently from you but that doesnt mean worse.

I was the sole bread winner in my relationships spanning 20 years, and so what?

Why be resentful?

Women moan about equality then when they earn more than a man they moan about that too.

He makes up for what he does not earn by having the work done cheaper as he does it himself, think yourself lucky you got a decent husband/partner as opposed to moaning about earning more.

Truck - she is a bit of a control freak and admits it but I do find it appalling that he would spend half the shopping money on topping up his phone (because he can't afford the credit) rather than buying food.

He doesn't even do much at home - they have a cleaner and their DD is at school. He is a waste of space frankly.

I used to discuss my home life with older female colleagues and many said that they had made the mistake of allowing their DHs to get stuck to their armchairs early in the marriage. Many said that they wished they had addressed their roles earlier in their marriages as they were finding that their DHs didnt want to change and take on housework even when retired.

I think that more women are starting to become the main breadwinner in many households. On the whole I think we tend to discuss our feelings certainly more than men of older generations. I think that much of the stress we feel is similar to the stress men felt back in the 'good' old days. The difference is that we talk about it a bit more!

Having said that, one difference I do see is a tendancy by some employers to discount some women's roles. Some employers do still assume that women are in second jobs rather than being primary breadwinners. This can impact in assumptions made and also in how career development is handled. Nothing you can put your finger on just an underlying feeling.

Do women major bread-winners realise the consequences if it comes to divorce?

I wouldn't have too much of a disparity in wages in a relationship

I remember my teacher husband once being told by the head he wasn't getting much of a pay rise because I earned so much.... but not letting him home when women teachers went home even though he was the person who usually tried to be home at the time our daily nanny left although I always liked to get home reasonably early too.

Anyway women must not enable useless men otherwise they are damaging themselves and their families. Take action tomorrow.

LadyB's comment of her friend - well that's often women having some kind of domestic goddess power trip... martry mother, only I can peel the onion right or change the nanny. Well no one gains competence without practice. When I married my husband had had a house for 4 years of his own. He had his systems for drying shirts and the like. I had never had that so I learned but you only learn by being trusted to do things. It's like my 3 early 20s children - when you get in a first job you don't know much but you get better by getting experience and indeed making mistakes. So what if the carrots aren't peeled.

IT is very sexist and in a sense emasculates men to criticise them domestically and reserve power over the kitchen. I've never had the slightly difficulty in ceding control of the loo brush etc althogh I'd certainly never cede control over the tax returns.

Carrots don't even have peel.

I think the bit about responsibility is that she had admitted she wants to scale back work a bit. She feels however that she cannot as DH will need to earn a bit for that in order for it to happen. I'd imagine in that scenario the pressure and responsibility of the situation has suddenly landed on her shoulders with a thump. Especially since they had an informal agreement that he would return to work pt after a certain period.

People are allowed to change their opinions of what they want to do, but she feels she cannot.

My DH is a SAHD btw

Everyone, thank you so much for your continued and considered replies. We have had a lovely day all together at the pantomime and DH is currently putting us some supper together (!)

I have alot to think about and yes perhaps I am focused on the wrong thing. I think we both need to redefine our roles as our family life changes from babydom (ds2 is now 3) and yes I do certainly need to let go and gain some control of my ocd (if thats not a contradiction in terms)

What Xenia said.

I was on a thread on here this morning all about "why don't men see the household chores that need doing"?

Men are not stupid (mostly) and are perfectly capable of taking on a true domestic role.
A friend of mine has lately been working full time running her business while her OH went back to college. She was still doing loads of the shiopping, cooking, organising appointments for the kids, vacuuming, blah blah blah.

Dont let it happen.

Truckulent Fri 31-Dec-10 18:50:08

Do women major bread-winners realise the consequences if it comes to divorce?

I wouldn't have too much of a disparity in wages in a relationship

What happens then, in that situation if you don't mind me asking?

Well that was my situation although we both worked full time and the children were old enough to decide with which parent to live. There was an article in the FT a few years ago about female breadwinners with househusbands whose children then lived with the father after divorce as they were more bonded there and he was a full time househusband. so then them other moves to a bed sit or flat and pays 25% ofh er after tax income to the father to support the children and as he has no income he probably gets more than 50% of their joint assets so in many cases probably the house at least until the youngest child is 18. That's what happens and that is no m ore unfair on women than it is on men.

In the situation of a major bread winner and a Sahp, the courts split the assets to even up the disparity in earnings and to reflect that the Sahp has sacrificed their career.

This can end up in a 70-30 or 60-40 split or even all the assets, the house is usually sold when the youngest DC leaves full time education, unless the resident parent can buy the other out.

The non-resident parent will pay a percentage of their salary and possibly spousal maintenance to the Sahp.

This is all only relevant if you're married, obviously.

If you are the sole breadwinner, better not to get married. hth.

There is such a thing as sole provider pressure

Not unreasonable for the OP to be feeling it

Much as we might like to think it's a simple swap of dad as SAHP instead of mum, you are finding that the reality is not that simple.

It's a generalisation but most of the women I know, and I have read so many things on here from women which back this up, the women are the drivers of the family; the ones who think ahead, plan ahead, organise, remember birthdays, plan and sort holidays; basically are the ones with responsibility for the minutae of family life.

That's just not ok if you are working full time AND doing all that and that's where the resentment comes.

As women it's great that we now have a society where we can work full time and it's a viable option for men to stay home, however in practice, as with so many things along these lines that as women we (and our mothers) fought for, it's a poisoned chalice because we end up doing it all.

I'd say your options are to STOP doing it all (and accept that your DH will do it differently)

or to cut back on your work rather than waiting for your husband to make it ok. Obviously you won't just dump your family in the financial lurch, but you could set a date after which you will be doing less hours so that your husband is dealing with reality rather than just talk.

another option is to accept a change of lifetstyle. At the moment you have the kids and the nice house but not the choice to do less yourself. Don't let things tie you. All you really need is a roof over your head. You don't need the perfect house. I guess I'm saying dig deep to find your priorities. You might think "sod that, we've done the house up and I WANT IT"... well then you accept that you're trading off for that house.

Bit of a ramble, sorry. HTH.

Well yes, the general views seems to be stop doing it all. Don't be a mug. CHildren and husbands don't admire a martyr and in fact it's a really bad example. I would want my children to see that both parents pull their weight and plenty of women manage to hand over lots of areas where their other half does stuff (not just helps but is 100% responsible).

I wouldn't go for the change of lifestyle option as that restrict choice. Earn more so you can pay more people do do dross boring jobs even your husband won't do. Therein lies the fun and your future financial stability.