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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to visit family every year?

8 replies

WildEepsMomNDad · 30/12/2010 09:04

I'm an American, married to a South African, living in Europe and we've just had our first baby (yay!)

But now starts the real fun of balancing long distance families - all demanding that we visit for the same holidays.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to use all my holidays (both me and DH work) to visit our families? Both require LONG flights, are REALLY expensive, and after a day or so aren't really vacations for us at all - just scheduled visitations driving from one relative's house to another. I'm ok with every other year - but they're demanding every year.

We've tried to make sure we set aside 'holiday time' when we go but then we get 'oh you're coming for 2 weeks and only spending 2 days with us' comments.

And its not just because of the new baby - this has been going on for the last 6 years! The new baby is just added 'guilt ammo'

OP posts:

JeezyPeeps · 30/12/2010 09:07

YANBU - they can, of course, come and visit you should they so wish!

Maybe one year SA, one year US, and one year for you guys?

Tell them thats how it is going to be due to finances, but they would be welcome to come and visit you.

Original poster

WildEepsMomNDad · 30/12/2010 09:23

Oooh - I like the 3 year rotation thing - thanks JeezyPeeps!

I had reconciled myself to one year SA, one year US, then back to SA again... but your way is even better (and more importantly can be argued for)

OP posts:

Oblomov · 30/12/2010 09:26

what does your dh say ? does he agree or is he not prpepared to say anything ofr fear of upsetting ?
and who are these relatives ? his parentsa ? cousins ?
I mean , purrrlease.
Will they never talk to you again, if yousay that that you can't afford it and b) don't want to and c) some baby excuse, trouble settling. actually don't use that one. i hate it wehn people use/blame babaies when it really is their own valid reasons for not wanting to do something.

Original poster

WildEepsMomNDad · 30/12/2010 09:37

DH takes the brunt of it (his family is farther away, and they're MUCH more vocal about us not being there enough). They mostly complain to him on the phone about it and he explains to them again why they don't get to see him every 3 months. (he's very patient - but he's starting to get annoyed)

His parents do the pressurizing, but when we're planning a visit they reach out to everyone including 'Great Aunt Mabel' to tell them we're coming and tell them - 'oh, I know you haven't seen him in 15 years, we're sure he'll make time to stop by and see you'

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 30/12/2010 09:38

Baby is a great excuse, they are expensive, you can say you've had to reduce your hours so can't afford it (even if you dont, they live in different countries, so don't know you are getting to/leaving the office at the same time as before). Or this year you don't want to travel with such a small child. Really, for the next 5 years you can say it's really tough doing long haul with such a small child, but they are welcome to you.

I'd count on a long haul trip every other year, so one year SA, one year Europe, one year US etc - so 4 yearly rotation. But stress in the inbetween years how welcome everyone is at yours.

FakePlasticTrees · 30/12/2010 09:42

Just seen your latest post - right, are your PIL retired yet? Why not tell DH next time they apply pressure to say "it's really hard for us to travel this year with the new baby, but we'd love for you to visit us." Keep repeating. If they say they haven't seen you, then follow up with "well, we have invited you so many times."

Also, I know a couple where the H is from New Zealand - they've done a family trip to Thailand and his mum, brother and brother's family all came to the same hotel and they all had a family holiday - is there something you could do like that?

Oblomov · 30/12/2010 09:52

Or if his parents are that bothered, ( are they a bit over-protective, a tiny bit too busy-body-ish ?, becasue it sounds like it) then why don't you play into her hands.
Sell it to her. Oh, you are so good at organising and everyone loves it wehn you ....
and get her to organise a huge party. and get to organise the food, and her to organise which nephew is goinf to drive to pick aunty mabel ( who dh hasn'r seen for 15 years up, and which nephew is going to take her home ) and then your dh can do all his socilaising in one go.
It can be her @my son is coming home party'. bet she will lvoe it.

would that work ?

then yoiu won't have to go traipsing round visiting everyone every few days, becasue it will all eb over and done with in one day.

gorionine · 30/12/2010 09:54

I know exactly what you mean . DH's and my family live on two different continents than us (although the distance is much shorter than in yur case) we used to use all our holidays to go and visit our families. 5 years ago we both decided that every other year was our family holiday . DH family cannot easily come and visit us as it is very difficult for them to get visas for the UK so sometimes they come for a few days to our family holiday destination and we spend a few days with them but the end of the holiday is ours only(we all it split holiday).

My family on the other hand seem to think it is much easier for us to go and visit (family of 6) than for them to come (Dsis has 2dcs and Dbro has none) my parents came last year. I have come to tem with the fact that if I want to see my own family I have to make the effort but I feel less and less enclined to do that effort for my siblings.

Maybe you could try the split holiday version too?

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