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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To step in when I see what appears to be DV in IKEA?

100 replies

QuietTiger · 29/12/2010 18:44

DH and I went to IKEA today because of the sale.

On the way out of the store as we were walking to the car in the carpark, I saw a man screaming at his (sobbing) child who was sat in the passanger seat of his car, with the door open. The woman with the man was also crying. Then the man hit the woman and grabbed the child by the arm and dragged her out of the car, screaming at her to "get in the back seat". He then hit and swore at the woman again.

I couldn't stay out of it - I actually went over and told him he was behaving completely inappropriately and he needed to calm down because he shouldn't be hitting people. DH was behind me (followed me) and the man swore at me, telling me to "mind your own f*cking buisness you stupid whore". At that point DH pulled me away, told me not to get involved and took me off to report it to someone in IKEA, rather than get involved further with the man. He didn't say anything to the man (because he probably would have killed him for being so rude to me), just pulled me away.

We ended up reporting it to IKEA security and passed on the registration number of the car and they took details. I'm inclined to report it to the police too, because as an ex-victim of DV, I don't have a lot of time for men (or women for that matter) who use DV to control their partners.

DH has said that it's up to me, but he'll support me if I make a complaint to the police (which I am seriously considering doing), but a number of people I've told have said I shouldn't get involved at all.

I don't actually think IABU, but would welcome thoughts.

OP posts:

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 30/12/2010 07:34

Goodness, what a horrible thing to see and well done you for stepping up and telling him to stop.

I am glad that you have reported it to the police and I hope they do actually do something about it. As others have said, the woman in question may not thank you but there is a child involved - I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do something to help out if I could.

I doubt the police would have got there quickly enough in response to a 999 call, as they were already getting in their car - but taking their registration was a good move.

lazarusinNazareth · 30/12/2010 10:08

I was a victim of domestic violence and some of that occurred in public. Nobody ever stepped in to help me and I would have been so, so grateful to have an independent witness (as well as the support). I absolutely admire you and I think you did the right thing.

edam · 30/12/2010 10:18

Please do call the police. Well done for going over but it's very important to take the next step now - and the poster who said to warn IKEA they need to keep the CCTV made a very good point.

Don't let all this quibbling about whether the woman concerned will thank you or what the police may or may not do put you off - your duty is to report a crime, what happens next is in the hands of the cops.

If you'd seen someone attacking a stranger, no-one would be telling you not to bother, would they?

Original poster

QuietTiger · 30/12/2010 12:06

DH actually reported it to the non emergency police number last night and they gave him a log number. As he said (and I and many agree with on MN) - if the man behaves like that in public, what on earth is he like in his own home?

Hopefully there will be a follow up.

OP posts:

confuddledDOTcom · 30/12/2010 17:31

The police may refer it to social services, yes, but as far as the law about prosecuting without the victim they do need to build a case.

Quiet, if you get feedback I'd love to hear and I'm sure everyone else would too.

edam · 30/12/2010 21:45

quiet, well done. Do hope the police follow up.

brimfull · 30/12/2010 21:50

bloody well done op
good on you

Fibilou · 31/12/2010 12:19

YANBU. PLEASE REPORT IT.

I deal with a lot of DV at work (police working with Crown Prosecution Service) and our DV prosecution rates are atrocious, mainly because of a lack of independant witnesses.

The CPS WILL prosecute on your evidence alone. I implore you to report it and see it through.

Fibilou · 31/12/2010 12:30

BCBG, are you a magistrate ?

Fibilou · 31/12/2010 12:32

oh and to clarify the "victim won't report" element, I currently have a case where the woman's two daughters have reported her new boyfriend beating her up. She won't support but we are still having a trial

bumpsoon · 31/12/2010 12:41

Read the Op wrong and thought you were talking about D&V .
I think you were right to intervene , i would of , i once did in London when i saw a man beating a woman down an alley ,i just stood and screamed 'stop that now' as loudly as i could ,over and over , my friends tried to drag me away as apparently it was a pimp and a prostitute ,but in my eyes that made no difference .

Onetoomanycornettos · 31/12/2010 12:56

Well done you for reporting it and intervening, I would step in, but then I've been quite scared in those situations, I tend to ask the woman 'are you all right?' and talk to them on the odd occasions I've felt compelled to act.

Someone once heard me and helped me, I've never forgotten it.

JustForThisOne · 31/12/2010 13:15

Yes...calling 999 from distance would have been better just in case they took your number plate too and may track you down (you never know how crazy he might be) but well done to act on it! Sorry cannot help been protective of you too

I will never forget the face of the woman who called 999 when I needed it - I did not have a mobile on me - she was my angel and if there is anyone in the world I will love to say thanks iit would be this woman

On a lighter note... always thought Ikea sales are dangerous!

grannieonabike · 01/01/2011 15:17

QuietTiger, you are definitely right to intervene. I'm really glad you did, because that shows the man his behaviour is out of order and it shows the woman and child that someone cares about them.

I think it's worth reporting to the police too, because this family might already be known to them and this might be useful in the event of a court case. However, you might find yourself getting involved if it did get to court. You might not want that ...

But it was brave of you to intervene, and the right thing to do.

katiestar · 01/01/2011 16:24

Couldn't help laughing at the bit about 'reporting it to IKEA' WTF do you think they are going to do about it??
Report it to the Police!!

Original poster

QuietTiger · 01/01/2011 18:03

Katiestar - We did report it to the police, albeit that evening after we got home. The reason we reported it to IKEA SECURITY is because it was an altercation in their carpark and it was appropriate that they intervened to try and stop the man thumping the shit out of the woman and child he was with.

At least I got involved instead of tutting in disgust and walking away like 95% of the other people in the carpark.

OP posts:

NewYearNewPants · 01/01/2011 18:07

agree with katiestar.

You should have called the police immediately.

I am not having a go at you - we don't always think straight in these instances, and you did act with good will. But a man hitting a woman and dragging a child about roughly by the arm needs reporting to the police pronto. He sounds like a dangerous nutter.

Jenda · 01/01/2011 18:09

Im so glad you did something. As you say, the majority of people will walk away. I hope they do follow this up, as you say, god knows what is going on at home. And there's a child in trouble too. Well done for taking action. My sister witnessed a 6 year old girl being severely beaten by her mother on a London bus this year. She was horrified to see that out of about 60 passengers, only she and one other did anything to help. Awful.. but I digress! Hopefully IKEA have CCTV evidence of this vile man.

Heroine · 01/01/2011 18:09

yep - report - its an assault. Well done for getting involved.

I witnessed a serious DV (if you can call it that - it was just a repeated assault of a woman who wasn't fighting back) abiout 15 people watched him chase her into an alley, heard her screaming then out again, then him follow her then hit her full stretch in the street. I was the person who called it in, and the only witness (evidence was clear from her injuries).

You have done a great job because at least now he will have the little knowledge that some people do get involved in his head, and the more that happens the less likely he is to carry on - if no-one gets involved he thinks people tacitly agree.

The police are very good with this stuff now - if they suspect DV and the partner/victim tries to deny, the police officer will take on the case personally (i.e. I am taking this case against you not your partner - talk to me if you want it to go away).

IKEA will have cctv and hopefully they will also deal with this its not good business for customers to see bad vibes in the car park...

CheekyChoppers · 01/01/2011 20:29

This is not just an issue of DV, it's also an issue of Child Protection, you should definatly report it to the Police as they may pass it on to Childrens Services if the family are known to agencies.

Well done, you were brave stepping in, most people wouldn't have done.

TheVisitor · 01/01/2011 20:42

With the police, they have the powers to act first and gather evidence after, whereas social services have to do it the other way round. You reporting this may have set wheels in motion for the child, or they may very well already be known. Good on you for reporting it.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 01/01/2011 22:36

I would have called 999 too and would have gone over but only because I know men like that have no questions hitting someone they have spent ages pressing down but not woman who show strenth and no fear and tbh, if he hit me least I could report him myself.

I have done it before and got yelled at but least I tried, men like that make me sick, and omg that poor child :(
I hope police do something asap.

itsawonderfuldarleneconnorlife · 01/01/2011 22:45

Could you report it to SS aswell?

GlitteryBalls · 01/01/2011 22:51

If he will assault his partner like this in public and in front of his child then god knows what he does behind closed doors. Report it to the police and social services. Police take DV very seriously and both you and your husband witnessed an actual assault so I think it is your duty.

CameronCook · 01/01/2011 23:04

Well done for getting involved- I hope the woman and child get the support that they need

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