Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To step in when I see what appears to be DV in IKEA?

100 replies

QuietTiger · 29/12/2010 18:44

DH and I went to IKEA today because of the sale.

On the way out of the store as we were walking to the car in the carpark, I saw a man screaming at his (sobbing) child who was sat in the passanger seat of his car, with the door open. The woman with the man was also crying. Then the man hit the woman and grabbed the child by the arm and dragged her out of the car, screaming at her to "get in the back seat". He then hit and swore at the woman again.

I couldn't stay out of it - I actually went over and told him he was behaving completely inappropriately and he needed to calm down because he shouldn't be hitting people. DH was behind me (followed me) and the man swore at me, telling me to "mind your own f*cking buisness you stupid whore". At that point DH pulled me away, told me not to get involved and took me off to report it to someone in IKEA, rather than get involved further with the man. He didn't say anything to the man (because he probably would have killed him for being so rude to me), just pulled me away.

We ended up reporting it to IKEA security and passed on the registration number of the car and they took details. I'm inclined to report it to the police too, because as an ex-victim of DV, I don't have a lot of time for men (or women for that matter) who use DV to control their partners.

DH has said that it's up to me, but he'll support me if I make a complaint to the police (which I am seriously considering doing), but a number of people I've told have said I shouldn't get involved at all.

I don't actually think IABU, but would welcome thoughts.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 29/12/2010 18:57

Well done for stepping in. Probably not the advised thing to do, but it took great courage on your part for doing so.

Please report it. If that man is prepared to hit his partner in the middle of an Ikea carpark then God knows what he is capable of doing to her in private. Perhaps a visit from the police may help her, poor lady.

I bet you feel really shaken up by it.

SauvignonBlanche · 29/12/2010 18:57

Report it, there was a child involved.

Original poster
QuietTiger · 29/12/2010 18:57

DH has reported it to the non-emergency police number. They've taken details and said that they'll "investigate", whatever that means.

OP posts:
huddspur · 29/12/2010 18:58

YADNBU me and my sister did something similar a couple of months ago and reported it to the police

JamieLeeCurtis · 29/12/2010 18:59

Good on you QuietTiger. You did a good thing

theevildead2 · 29/12/2010 18:59

He probably didn't turn on you because your DH was there. Men who abuse their partners or children are bullies and won't get stuck in if they aren't sure they'll win.

Hope the police do somethign about it.

aurorastarofbethlehem · 29/12/2010 19:01

well done qt i am proud of you, i was in a dv situation adn my ex only stoppped slapping me when i hit him back in self defence once. fwiw, i would also now go to your local police station and ask what has happened since you reported it. did you get crime number/log number?

thank you so much for what you did.

RudeEnglishLady · 29/12/2010 19:02

Well done - so brave of you. You should also report it to the police.

I once watched a drunk man bully his child verbally and physically on a bus. In my defence I was a lot, lot younger and the guy seemed like a complete nutter. However it haunts me to this day that I did nothing. Also WTF was wrong with the many men on that bus though?

I think thr police will do something because of the child and it shouldn't be too hard to trace. Do Ikea have any CCTV of it?

FiveColdRingsForSolo · 29/12/2010 19:02

All DV done to me was behind closed doors, but I'd have probably left him sooner had there been someone like you around to give me strength and call the police for me.

purplepidjbauble · 29/12/2010 19:03

DP and I both reckon the police need to be told. Get this woman the help she obviously needs from a source trained to handle it appropriately. If we'd seen that, I'd have been on the phone and DP would have been "having a word" - but then, he does several martial arts to black belt level and is used to dealilng with people both verbally and physically; and I work with people with special needs, so again am used to dealing with potentially violent situations.

Well done for stepping in and sticking up for her. I hope she appreciates it and that it gives her the courage to deal with the situation for herself Smile

tyler80 · 29/12/2010 19:04

It's actually something I'd do as a woman, but wouldn't want my partner to do.

A lot of men would quite happily hit another man but not a strange woman even though they'll hit their wife/girlfriend.

Normasnorks · 29/12/2010 19:05

Yes well done - brave, if probably a bit dangerous.

I'd have been tempted to start videoing him on my phone too...

Chatelaine · 29/12/2010 19:10

YANBU - commendable that you did what you did. I do feel that you should report this to the relevant authorities, just be matter of fact in stating what you actually saw. For the record you reported it to the store, maybe they have cctv and that could make all the difference. Even without that, if there is a history there, it will still count and your conscience will be clear. Well done.

JamieLeeCurtis · 29/12/2010 19:11

I agree with you, Tyler80 that I wouldn't want DH getting involved the way I do. I have always assumed that as quite a small woman, I'm less likely to trigger a competitive reaction in a bloke. But I do wonder whether I'm kidding myself

zukiecat · 29/12/2010 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisIsANiceCage · 29/12/2010 19:11

I dialled 999 on a DV incident in our street. My statement was used in the prosecution, the guy pleaded guilty, and the woman sent me a card thanking me.

Every professional who contacted me said I'd done the right thing.

I worry about being an interfering, old besom, but I worry a lot more about people being seriously damaged.

littleducks · 29/12/2010 19:13

I'm not sure if you did the right thing in interupting as he could then have become more angry and I would be scared of the consequences for his wife and child.

But I do thing you were right to see that something needed to be done, reporting to security probably seemed like the best idea but I am disapointed they didnt come out of intervene.

I think the best cause of action would be to phone 999, it is a crime, it is an act of violence, it is an emergency IMO. Give the police the cars registration and then if they drive off the vehicle could be traced.

But hindsight makes everything simpler and you were very brave to try and help. Even if she wasnt grateful I bet that it will have an effect on the child, hopefully plant a seed of doubt about the mans behaviour being acceptable.

Ephiny · 29/12/2010 19:15

You did the right thing IMO, including reporting to security and police - and good for you, a lot of people would have just ignored and not wanted to get involved. You were brave to confront a violent man like that - I like to think I would have done but in reality not sure I would have.

It would have been quite reasonable to call 999 at the time actually, as he was actually assaulting someone right there, though maybe they would have driven off by the time the police arrived. Hopefully they'll track him down via the car registration.

prettyfly1 · 29/12/2010 19:19

well done you and absolutely yes report every word of it. If he is so out of control he behaves that way in public, what the hell is going on behind closed doors.

snowqueenrollo · 29/12/2010 19:27

i have intervened several times when seeing DV incidents in the street, in my younger more reckless days. Have had varying responses from both parties....

Well done to you OP. Having done it myself I know what courage it takes and the effect it can have afterwards so take care of yourself too.

Hopefully the police will follow it up and it will be the trigger this woman needs to walk away from him.

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid · 29/12/2010 19:54

YANBU of course - well done you!

But I am Shock Shock at the number of responses that seem to think this is such an unusual response. I wouldn't hesitate to confront someone behaving like this, and am astonished that so many people think it's normal to walk on by.

I feel disappointed with myself that, due to reporting of teens who are admonished for behaving badly, then pull knives and worse, I would hesitate to pull up teens for antisocial behaviour in the street or on buses etc. But to let violence against a person go unchecked? NO! Angry

There was a thread on here earlier today where someone who stated that she'd pulled people up for, amongst other things, hitting a child round the head and collapsing drunk in the street leaving a 5 yr old unattended. And people slated her for being a busy body Hmm (ok she was a bit... but surely caring too much is better than caring too little??).

supersalstrawberry · 29/12/2010 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 29/12/2010 20:07

am glad to hear you have reported to police, i would chase up on it and make sure they don't just brush it off. well done.

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2010 20:17

Good for you to interfere - I may have gone to the woman and talked to her rather than approch the man hitting and being verbal though - as when he then says it is none of your business it isn't for him to decide but rather the woman and making her know that there are people there that think this is all wrong.

I saw an awful incident -not DV but awful I spoke up and so did my father, we where not popular but whereas others stood by and watched we kept on gently to make it clear what was happening wasn't appropriate.

Toughasoldboots · 29/12/2010 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread