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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To step in when I see what appears to be DV in IKEA?

100 replies

QuietTiger · 29/12/2010 18:44

DH and I went to IKEA today because of the sale.

On the way out of the store as we were walking to the car in the carpark, I saw a man screaming at his (sobbing) child who was sat in the passanger seat of his car, with the door open. The woman with the man was also crying. Then the man hit the woman and grabbed the child by the arm and dragged her out of the car, screaming at her to "get in the back seat". He then hit and swore at the woman again.

I couldn't stay out of it - I actually went over and told him he was behaving completely inappropriately and he needed to calm down because he shouldn't be hitting people. DH was behind me (followed me) and the man swore at me, telling me to "mind your own f*cking buisness you stupid whore". At that point DH pulled me away, told me not to get involved and took me off to report it to someone in IKEA, rather than get involved further with the man. He didn't say anything to the man (because he probably would have killed him for being so rude to me), just pulled me away.

We ended up reporting it to IKEA security and passed on the registration number of the car and they took details. I'm inclined to report it to the police too, because as an ex-victim of DV, I don't have a lot of time for men (or women for that matter) who use DV to control their partners.

DH has said that it's up to me, but he'll support me if I make a complaint to the police (which I am seriously considering doing), but a number of people I've told have said I shouldn't get involved at all.

I don't actually think IABU, but would welcome thoughts.

OP posts:

SugarMousePink · 29/12/2010 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 29/12/2010 20:23

I would have called 999 immediately too. If I ever see someone beating another person, I imagine that will be my first response, whether the people appear to be partners or not and no matter what the circumstances.

Not sure if I would have intervened. But knowing me, probably. With a stupid comment along the lines of "So does beating up someone smaller than you make you feel like more of a man, then?", which would get my hide kicked too . But then I'd prosecute his hide sooooo hard he'd be spinning.

classydiva · 29/12/2010 20:26

I wouldnt have gone over but I would have stood and rang the police whilst there.

Report it, if he does that in public I hate to think what a chunt he is at home.

Unrulysanta · 29/12/2010 21:16

It's a crime, regardless of whether she wants to press charges etc - the law on this has been changed for that very reason. Of course you are doing the right thing. Let us know how it goes.

FellatioNelson · 29/12/2010 21:28

I would have called 999 immediately too. By all means report it to the police but I have a horrible feeling tehy will say they cannot do anything unless the victim herself makes a complaint against him - in which case they may come to you as a witness. A similar thing happened to me when I reported a crime and gave the police a reg. number. They took the details but said if they didn't hear from the victim they would be unable to pursue it.

toeragsnotriches · 29/12/2010 21:33

Report it. And what a brave and honourable person you are.

MrsNonSmoker · 29/12/2010 22:01

Yep 100% report it. Good for you, its the right thing.

dukester · 29/12/2010 22:02

Report it incase the security don't there is a child involved so the police would have to inform the health visitor or school ( depending on the age of the child)of the domestic violence situation they then can intervene, monitor or support the child, even if the police couldnt charge the ratbag.

BCBG · 29/12/2010 22:04

Please report it. You may be the key to a successful prosecution. We have DV cases in court which fail despite the best efforts of the DV Coordinator, Witness Support and the police, the IP wont give evidence. Please report it, and you should be very proud of what you did.

BCBG · 29/12/2010 22:06

Oh, and following on from a couple of the recent posts: certainly in the county I am in, police policy is to charge where there is evidence of an assault with or without the support of the victim, and I have sat on several such cases in the last 18 months.

Toughasoldboots · 29/12/2010 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheekyLittleStocking · 29/12/2010 22:49

Well done, i dont think id have being brave enough to do what you did.

A1980 · 29/12/2010 22:53

I have read all of this has been said already:

Do report it if you wish but bear in mind that the police will do nothing unless the victim herself makes a formal complaint to the police. She may not want to.

TrillianAstra · 29/12/2010 22:57

I read this title as 'to step in what appears to be dv in ikea' and thought that if someone has had diarrhoea or vomited you should probably step over it and alert a member of staff rather than stepping IN it.

Not really relevant sorry.

Actuallawyer · 29/12/2010 23:05

I disagree that the police won't act if she doesn't make a complaint. You absolutely did the right thing. I don't think it's necessarily right to intervene in an argument as you don't always know what's gone on before but nobody deserves to be assaulted. Well done!

rupert1 · 29/12/2010 23:07

Excellent well done for taking action,and good for knowing when to walk away. Strange to happen where it did you could understand if it was ASDA im baffeled as to why it should happen at IKEA well i suppose it is christmas when tempers run high.

Bellagio · 29/12/2010 23:18

Trillianastra I also thought same,
Sorry OP,
Well done

ReindeerBollocks · 29/12/2010 23:39

I echo everyone else, well done for getting involved.

I have experienced this a couple of times as a witness - I always got involved, until the last woman tried to hit me for getting involved (me and my partner saw this woman getting punched in the head and tried to stop it).

I haven't witnessed an attack since, but hope I would have the courage you did. Glad you both reported it.

Toughasoldboots · 30/12/2010 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grumpla · 30/12/2010 00:40

Surely it can never be wrong to intervene when someone is being attacked?

Sometimes it might be unwise, or unsafe to do so, but never wrong.

Definitely report it. Then contact IKEA tomorrow morning to tell them you have reported it to the police and that they should retain the CCTV tapes (if they have any) as often the tapes themselves are recorded over regularly.

fanofpeamum · 30/12/2010 01:10

rupert1, are you for real? Sorry, but I think you're deluded if you imagine that this kind of thing is confined to ASDA shoppers. Well done OP for not ignoring it.

confuddledDOTcom · 30/12/2010 01:35

Well done, you certainly did do the right thing.

The police may not be able to do much but at the least it will be logged. They will probably follow up on it and possibly tell the HV. From my understanding of the new law it's not when it's a one off it's there because the police waste a lot of time going back and forth to one family and never able to prosecute (not that it is a waste for them to go out but if they're sent away again they're going to be back another time and another time) so this gives them the power to build a case in their own right.

ChippingIn · 30/12/2010 01:38

Rupert - clearly you don't shop at Ikea Croydon. It is rare that you go there and don't see something scary/sad :(

I'm glad you intervened and very thankful you didn't get hurt in the process. I think you and DH have done the right thing reporting it to the police as well. Let's hope this gets her and her child out of this situation :(

keepingupwiththejoneses · 30/12/2010 02:13

report it to the police, my first thought when reading the OP was if he does that in public then what is he capable of behind closed doors.

humanheart · 30/12/2010 07:26

surely the police will act because there's a child involved? ie the child was subjected to abuse and also witnessed severe abuse of its mother. If there was no child involved then I think it is a grey area, but the child's presence (and involvement) changes it totally.

well done for getting involved. I would have called 999 immediately which would hopefully have got the coward arrested at the scene. It is our responsibility to act on this if we see it and not look away.

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