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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be weirded out by FIL peeing in front of DD?

99 replies

LondonKiwiMum · 28/12/2010 20:50

So dd is nearly 2 and is in her bath (given by daddy), when FIL walks in to our small bathroom and just takes a pee right in front of her, leaving the door open so i walk in on him too? there is no way she didn't see everything, the bathroom is too small. he didn't ask DH, DH was surprised too.

am i being a prude? this made me really uncomfortable, especially the not asking. the reason i feel esp uncomfortable is that FIL and MIL are quite insistent about having dd come to stay for extended periods in the hols without us. i have resisted so far on the grounds that dd is too young. dh has mentioned FIL was (and remains) prone to walking around in the nude when they were growing up, which i am also not very comfortable with.

the only thing we can think is maybe he has a prostrate problem but if he does, he has never told us.

OP posts:

Original poster

LondonKiwiMum · 29/12/2010 21:53

ok, i finally managed to find this post again (new to mn).

dh was quite surprised at fil's behaviour. not offended, just surprised he did not wait til the bathroom was free or ask if dh minded before getting started. yes it was in my house and there is only one toilet. dd's bath is usually v quick though as she refuses to sit down (she slipped recently) so he didn't have long to wait.

anyfucker captured the attitude pretty well, it is the same attitude we have with him and the smoking. also the nudity, but as that is usually only at his own house, well that's his prerogative.

but July, you win hands down, oh. my. god.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/12/2010 22:00

LKW...there is a tab "threads I'm on" and even "threads I started" where you can find things again just underneath he big blacm "Mumsnet Talk" near to the top of the screen

and yes, I know a couple of men like this

often chauvinistic, high-handed and belittling towards women too

I call it "swinging dick syndrome" which seems rather apppropriate in this siuation

MerrilyDefective · 29/12/2010 22:08

Can't believe what i just read......
July...your Ds wipes his Granny's and his Auntie's vag?

MerrilyDefective · 29/12/2010 22:12

Sorry,re read.
Not your DS, but will he get roped in for fanny wiping as he gets older?

I can't even believe what i'm writing.

Runoutofideas · 29/12/2010 22:13

I think it is her nephew who is "toilet butler" for his granny and mother....

tallulahxhunny · 29/12/2010 22:26

I honestly dont believe what i just read by july! i mean like WTF??

I would not be happy at grandfather peeing in front of my kids and just asked DH and he said the same (actually he said a lot more and he looked a bit like >> )

As for the MIL letting child wipe her well thats so wrong i would be in jail for GBH if she was my mother or mother in law!

Oblomov · 29/12/2010 22:52

Apart from July's post , obviously, I am shocked at how prudish you all are, re nakedness.
I think nothing of nakedness. My 80 year old mil fell in the shower and i had to help her. My mum, still comes and sits with me in the bath, and washes my hair for me, when i have had a very bad diabetic hypo, becasue thta is what she did for me when I was tiny, and she still does it, very occassionally, now.
I see nothing different, in a man going for a wee infront of his very young gd. I bet you gd was facing away and never saw a thing !! And even if she had, so what. A fleeting glance of grandads willy, is not a disturbing thing to a 2 year old , I don't think.

2rebecca · 29/12/2010 23:09

You don't think walking into an occupied bathroom and using the toilet is rude and disinhibited?
I'm not antinudity but certain things are best kept private and for me urinating and defaecating are 2 of these.
Deliberately choosing to urinate in front of people is strange and I would wonder if that person's judgement was odd in other respects too and wouldn't be comfortable leaving a child with them.
OK men use urinals together, but the other people here were bathing, not urinating and him urinating in front of them was inappropriate.

larrygrylls · 30/12/2010 07:16

"I am man, I have dick, I will piss out of it no matter who may be offended"

Well, if you have a dick, you have to piss out of it, we actually do not have an option! As to how publicly to do it, I don't think there is a sexual divide on this one. I have known women who are happy to piss (and even shit, which is where I draw the line) in front of their partners and family.

Are we meant to be ashamed of how we are made?

larrygrylls · 30/12/2010 07:21

2rebecca,

"Inappropriate", I hate the modern sense of that word. It is just used to censor someone else's behaviour on any number of grounds. If you have an objection, why not use a more exact word as to why you object. The reality is that people just think "yuck, not for me" so they write "inappropriate", being too lazy to actually analyse why they have a particular reaction.

Search MN (or any other discussion site) these days and it will come up as one of the most popular words (excluding common verbs and conjunctions).

In this case, surely 2 year olds need to learn how men and women are built and urinate. How are you going to potty train otherwise, or are you going to segregate potty training by sexes?

EmmaBemma · 30/12/2010 07:46

"incidentally, at what age will he consider stopping getting his penis out to do an intimate thing like taking a piss ?"

OMG your FIL is a PEEDO!

I need to stop reading AIBU. It isn't good for my health.

(my own view on this is that your daughter isn't yet 2, she wouldn't have thought anything of it, and whilst I personally wouldn't do a whizz in front of someone else's kid, I don't think it's weird/alarming that he did, in this instance)

AnyFucker · 30/12/2010 08:14

Are we meant to be ashamed of how we are made?

nope, but good manners wouldn't go amiss

and ackchully if you read the last post by the OP you will see that my take on the situation was the closest of anybody's on this thread, as described by the OP, who knows this arrogant nob bloke

so ner

larrygrylls · 30/12/2010 09:17

Anyfucker,

Well the OP did phrase her original post as if she were shocked by his behaviour. However, she is looking for others' opinions. People normally look for reinforcement of their own views, so she is bound to more agree with you than me.

I think it is all to do with modern mores, which are, at best confused. Victorians were shocked by a woman showing her ankles. These days some find "swinging" acceptable, yet others are shocked by a 2 year old girl seeing a willy. I find both extreme. If we go back to tribal cultures, it is certainly normal for children up to adolescence to have no shame in nudity.

I guess it is ill mannered if the OP finds it so. It is, as she said, her house. However, I think she has to make it plain to her FIL that she is personally uncomfortable with that kind of behaviour. It is nothing to do with "inappropriate", though. Both my wife and I take our 18 month son into the loo with us so he can see there is no shame in urination and defecation and how adults do it. We hope it will make potty training natural and normal.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2010 09:30

larry...only you are talking about "shame" in this context, repeatedly

larrygrylls · 30/12/2010 09:32

Anyfucker,

Maybe I am the only one to use the word. The entire OP implies that there is something shameful in his nudity in front of his DIL. You don't have to use a word to imply it.

EmmaBemma · 30/12/2010 09:45

"and ackchully if you read the last post by the OP you will see that my take on the situation was the closest of anybody's on this thread"

Your take is the closest to the OP's, certainly, but I'm not sure what that proves, other than that you agree with her? Do you think, maybe, that the OP's take on the situation might possibly be influenced by her already poor opinion of her FIL? No? Oh, never mind.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2010 09:53

no, larry, not nudity

my distaste was the arrogance displayed at walking into a bathroom, in somebody else's house, whilst someone else was taking a bath and just merrily having a piss (without checking if anybody minded)

taking a piss and nudity are two different things, are they not ?

the 2yo may not have even seen any bare skin...but she did witness some very bad manners

you shall not twist my words...I have been perfectly clear about what I find a bit weird about the situation

now if "wierd" to some people means "she automatically thinks the gf is a paedophile" that says something about you, not me

and yes, I would have a poor opinion of this bloke anyway (based on his other arrogant behaviours) and probably a shorter rope of what I would think was acceptable behaviour...we are human, no ?

larrygrylls · 30/12/2010 10:09

Anyfucker,

But what you are seeing as arrogance is defined by your perspective whereby urinating is in some way wrong in front of others. The FIL may not see it that way. He may not see it as any different than coming in for a chat or having an apple.

The OP seems to have an issue with what the 2 year old saw. There is NO WAY a 2 year old can have any view on the "manners" of the situation, so it has to be a question of the nudity.

I never mentioned paedophilia, so don't twist my words either. You brought it up so it is clearly somewhere in your mind. I just think there is a degree of prudery here. I have not read about his "other behaviours" but merely judging this behaviour in and of itself.

Malificence · 30/12/2010 10:50

I know that men are usually comfortable with peeing in front of one another but this wwould have shocked and offended DH, never mind me.

DH would never have peed directly in front of DD, if he was desperate and she was in the bath when little, he would have pulled the shower curtain.

It's outrageously bad manners on behalf of the grandad. My FIL would not have done such a disrespectful thing, never in a million years.
Nothing to do with being a prude.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2010 10:58

larry...the paedophilia thing was aimed at another poster who seemed to be taking issue with my stance here

if not pissing in front of other people, without asking, when in a position as their guest, is prudery then so be it

I don't see it as such

I see it as having manners and common decency

snowflake69 · 30/12/2010 11:05

Its not that big a deal.My mum, me and my husband have all been to the toilet in front of our DD. (Actually I cant think of many times my husband or I have gone to the toilet without DD in fairness. As she stalks us and wants to always flush the chain).

Its no different to going out and having the girls in the toilet without you. I think practically everyone I know must have seen me wee at some point lol.

twopeople · 30/12/2010 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MerrilyDefective · 30/12/2010 12:04

I think it's even weirder that one posters MIL and SIL lets her DGS/DN wipe her fanny.

swanandduck · 30/12/2010 12:09

Sorry, but your ILs sound disgusting.

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