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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stand firm and not get dh's granny flowers?

59 replies

YunoYurbubson · 28/12/2010 05:56

Oh this is so infuriating.

I usually do ALL the Christmas and birthday presents and cards and everything for mine and dh's family. I do it happily. Dh and I are a good team and he pulls his weight in other areas. We play to our strengths, and buying gifts is not a strength of his.

So, for various reasons, I told him that this year he needed to buy christmas presents for 4 of his family members. I told him in good time. I reminded him. Then I reminded him again.

Then I said "I am NOT going to remind you to do this again. You need to go online and buy these 4 people something to arrive in time for Christmas. If you do not do this you make BOTH of us look like shit. They are not hard people to buy for. As you have not once had to think about any of your families birthdays or Christmas presents for over a decade now, I do not think it is too much to ask that you do these 4 this year. Please have the decency not to make me look like shit because you can't be arsed".

I knew DAMN WELL he hadn't done anything about it.

So, come Christmas I ask him what he sorted out.

He looked worried.

FFS.

His 2yo niece? Nothing.
His dad? Nothing.
His sister? Nothing.
His Granny? Nothing.

I said I was very disappointed, but perhaps he could salvage the situation by at the very least sending his Granny flowers, and that I would send his niece something to arrive after Chriatmas and blame the snow.

Boxing day: gentle reminder.

He has STILL not done anything.

It's the principal of the fucking thing. But by standing firm, a nice old lady has not got anything from us for Christmas, and that sucks.

I don't know why my husband is being such an arse about this. He is not generally an arse.

Would you send granny flowers, thereby giving dh the message that penis ownership absolves him completely from all present duties from not until the end of time?

Or would you make your point, and leave granny unflowered?

OP posts:
ninedragons · 28/12/2010 06:03

Nope. I fought this battle several years ago, and you have to let the consequences run their course. Just because I have a twat doesn't mean I remember his relatives' birthdays or care what he gets them.

Horopu · 28/12/2010 06:06

Agree totally with ninedragons. Stand firm.

whoodoo · 28/12/2010 06:18

I am in same situation. Officially relinquished responsibility for his family gifts this year- enough is enough. He bought nothing for sister. At gift giving time yesterday I had to drag him in MIL's kitchen to tell him how embarrassed I now was and that I didn't want to be implicated as he had failed to bother his arse again. He asked me to help him concoct some lie about what he bought and how we forgot to bring it. I know she saw through it. Next year I am going to be very vocal to his family about how I am no longer responsible for their presents and that he is. Still doesn't help you with granny though I know. Check out the man-child thread on 'chat'.

He hasn't bought anything for god daughter again this year and is seeing her father today who I know places great weight on this sort if thing (stupid IMO). I refuse to shift my arse down to monsoon again to buy her another pink glitter handbag!

SkyBluePearl · 28/12/2010 06:23

I've done all my DH's and my familys cards and pressies for years and years but the last two years i have given him back the responsibility to write cards for his own family. Both times the cards have arrived after xmas. This year I have also asked him to send some ready wrapped xmas pressies to his family and they just sat arround for two months - they will now arrive late new year time!! I'm not prepared to take over the reins again as i have so much on but have also explained that he needs to organise himself next year so everything is sent three weeks in advance. I got sick of reminding my Dh too and so next year will just stick a list to his computer.

Don't send flowers or the gift on behalf of your DH. Hand DH the phone and ask him to appologise to nan/neice for being really slow - and that he will send gifts straight away.

Stinkyfeet · 28/12/2010 06:27

I really want to agree with the stand firm line, but as you say, it means granny goes without, which is not really acceptable.

I think I would send her the flowers. Possibly without telling him. Although am conscious that that start straying into game playing and point scoring which is not helpful!

SkyBluePearl · 28/12/2010 06:30

He sounds like an immature teenager - why can't he think of other people? Maybe show him your post?

DontLetTinselDragOnTheFloor · 28/12/2010 07:06

"Dh and I are a good team and he pulls his weight in other areas. We play to our strengths, and buying gifts is not a strength of his"

So, what happened to this good team you boasted about? What happened to playing to your strengths? Has he delegated some of "his" jobs to you?

On the basis of your OP, you are both to blame.

WriterofDreams · 28/12/2010 07:26

I have never bought a single present for DH's family and never will. I take care of my family, he takes care of his. To be fair, my DH is much better at gifts than I am. However, I know if I did buy the presents even once I'd be responsible for them for ever more. What I don't understand is how female partners become responsible for this in the first place? I mean surely the man had to buy presents himself before the partner came along?

WriterofDreams · 28/12/2010 07:27

Oh and YANBU OP. You should not in any way feel under pressure to sort his family out. It really annoys me that if gifts don't get given it usually reflects badly on the woman, even if she's not a blood relation and the man is a fully functioning adult. Xmas Angry

FanjoForTheMincePies · 28/12/2010 07:27

Good on ya, I always intend to do this and then cave in and do everything, so the cycle continues!

MrsBonkers · 28/12/2010 07:37

WofD this is how I slipped into it...
DH calls me at work and says 'can you pick up a card for my mum/dad/aunt?' 'no problem' I say... this happens a few times... then I start anticipating the request and getting cards for upcoming birthdays when I am already out and about... and before you know it, it's your job!

WriterofDreams · 28/12/2010 07:40

Ah I see Mrs Bonkers. I suppose then there's some advantage to the fact that I can never remember anyone's birthday! After 9 years if you put a gun to my head I couldn't even tell you what month PIL's birthdays are in, never mind what date!!

Patsy99 · 28/12/2010 07:47

Stand your ground or this will never change.

I never buy presents for DH's family, that's his job. I feel sorry for your DH's granny but that's his responsibility, not yours, unless you choose to make it yours.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 28/12/2010 08:07

I buy for DH's family because he would only get them something shit if he did it. They get our DC really nice things, so I feel it is right to make sure they get something they'd like too.

Also, it frees DH up to only have to think about my presents and he always excells himself there. Having 3 sisters means he is very good at buying clothes for me as he was dragged round shops with them as a teenager. :o

SparklyMartini · 28/12/2010 08:22

yanbu

onceamai · 28/12/2010 08:25

Going against the grain here. You have spent a huge amount of time fretting about four presents that have not been bought and this has probably upset the potential recipients as well as upsetting you. It wouldn't have taken any longer to buy four extra presents as part of your christmas shopping and for the sake of family harmony to be honest I would just get on with it next year and yes, I would send grannie the flowers - an extra big bunch to make up for the upset.

Sorry ladies, but although I work full time, I am the wife, I am in charge of the house and I organise Christmas - it's part of our partnership - and a little extra always comes back my way when I hand over the bills Smile.

IAPJJLPJ · 28/12/2010 08:28

I do all present buying , wrapping etc simply because I have more time. DH works full time and I only work 2 days - so quite simply I have much more free time then him.

acumenin · 28/12/2010 08:30

Stop putting his name on the presents. Send things from you if you must send things. It's only honest.

lorelilee · 28/12/2010 08:39

Really don't get how you fall into that trap in the first place - what did he do before you came along? I do mine, he does his - simple.

FakePlasticTrees · 28/12/2010 08:53

Remind him again this morning. If need be, hand him the phone and tell him to get on with it now.

Or, can he pop round to Granny's today, ideally with said flowers or a bottle of something nice and so it looks like he was waiting until he saw her rather than being late?

FakePlasticTrees · 28/12/2010 08:54

Oh, and tell his family he is doing their presents next year, and around November time suggest they might want to ping him an e-mail with a list of things they might want.

MorticiaAddams · 28/12/2010 08:56

You should stand firm if you want him to buy them presents next year.

I feel differently than most of the other posters and buy most of the presents for both sides of the family. To me, they are just our family no matter what side they are from and I love them all dearly (except mil who doesn't deserve presents or love).

borderslass · 28/12/2010 09:00

I've always done all the gifts here but DH does order his SM flower and chocolates every christmas he wont send his mother SFA as his words 'they don't do triffids' the only other person in his family I now buy for is his 11 year old niece the rest I've stopped.[long history]

cocobongo · 28/12/2010 09:08

"Sorry ladies, but although I work full time, I am the wife, I am in charge of the house and I organise Christmas - it's part of our partnership - and a little extra always comes back my way when I hand over the bills ."

Dear God, that is more depressing than the original post.

MintyMoo · 28/12/2010 11:15

I don't understand why you were buying the presents before. My DP buys his parents and brother a present, usually the ones for the parents are joint purchased with BIL. I then buy BIL and PIL a present from me.

I buy a present for my parents from me and DP also buys my parents a present from him.

I have enough to do without buying the in laws the presents from DP as well!

If you do joint presents from you both then it's only fair that you split that, and having DP take care of his family and you yours makes sense. I do help DP with ideas sometimes, I helped choose MIL's christmas present which was a necklace as he didn't know what style to get. He made the ultimate choice, I just gave him some pointers and confirmed his choice was tasteful. I didn't do the shopping and research part for him though.