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Original poster

to stand firm and not get dh's granny flowers?

59 replies

YunoYurbubson · 28/12/2010 05:56

Oh this is so infuriating.

I usually do ALL the Christmas and birthday presents and cards and everything for mine and dh's family. I do it happily. Dh and I are a good team and he pulls his weight in other areas. We play to our strengths, and buying gifts is not a strength of his.

So, for various reasons, I told him that this year he needed to buy christmas presents for 4 of his family members. I told him in good time. I reminded him. Then I reminded him again.

Then I said "I am NOT going to remind you to do this again. You need to go online and buy these 4 people something to arrive in time for Christmas. If you do not do this you make BOTH of us look like shit. They are not hard people to buy for. As you have not once had to think about any of your families birthdays or Christmas presents for over a decade now, I do not think it is too much to ask that you do these 4 this year. Please have the decency not to make me look like shit because you can't be arsed".

I knew DAMN WELL he hadn't done anything about it.

So, come Christmas I ask him what he sorted out.

He looked worried.

FFS.

His 2yo niece? Nothing.
His dad? Nothing.
His sister? Nothing.
His Granny? Nothing.

I said I was very disappointed, but perhaps he could salvage the situation by at the very least sending his Granny flowers, and that I would send his niece something to arrive after Chriatmas and blame the snow.

Boxing day: gentle reminder.

He has STILL not done anything.

It's the principal of the fucking thing. But by standing firm, a nice old lady has not got anything from us for Christmas, and that sucks.

I don't know why my husband is being such an arse about this. He is not generally an arse.

Would you send granny flowers, thereby giving dh the message that penis ownership absolves him completely from all present duties from not until the end of time?

Or would you make your point, and leave granny unflowered?

OP posts:
HappyHECmanay · 28/12/2010 11:18

Well, he really can't be arsed, can he?

I'd be tempted to phone them up and say "I am so sorry that you didn't get anything for Christmas. Foolishly, this year, for the first time, I asked X to be in charge of buying your gifts. I am sorry."

Or at least tell him that is what you intend to do. Grin

Either he doesn't care about them or he thinks that if he just continues to do fuck all, you will step in and more importantly, you will remember this in future years and you will just get them the gifts.

So looking at it that way, you should stand firm.

otoh, your husband clearly doesn't give a shit if they get anything or not, but I would imagine they feel pretty unthought of, so what matters more? people you love getting a little gift or 'winning'?

I think I'd be sitting down with him and saying that I had actually lost a little respect for him because he has shown a total lack of thought and shown that he doesn't care about these people. I'd also be saying that if he didn't buy them something by the weekend and send it, I'll be calling them, explaining what he did (or rather didn't Grin ) and apologising.

I mean, I wouldn't actually do it. probably. but would hope that the thought of him being outed as a selfish sod might get him off his arse.

Or possibly, in future, go shopping together? That way he is involved in it, he doesn't get to sit back and have you do it all while he watches telly!

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 28/12/2010 11:28

No, don't do anything, don't apologise for him, he is not a toddler, he is a grown man and had ample warning.

Stop bailing out this man-child.

I also with cocobongo

Bunbaker · 28/12/2010 11:30

OH never buys cards and presents for his family, but they know that. I have often joked with MIL (who I get on with brilliantly) that neither she nor SIL would get any birthday/Christmas presents if it was left up to him.

I don't have a problem with it because SIL and I like very similar things and she is easy to buy for. I also know what MIL likes and OH just wouldn't have a clue.

JeelyPiece · 28/12/2010 11:33

Bloody hell oncemai, is all I can say.

Tortington · 28/12/2010 11:34

buy THE FUCKING GRANNY some flowers

shes a granny an old lady that had shit all else to do except wonder why her grandson doesn't love her.

the rest of the family can get fucked.

but the ggranny some flowers

MamaDeer · 28/12/2010 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

methsdrinker · 28/12/2010 11:35

ring up granny and get her into the loop of the training regime.
You could send her some flowers from yourself and then bring her into this as a joke as lets see how long it will take for him to get round to it.
She has been married i presume, so she will hopefully understand the stuff us women have to put up with.
Also by lying for him you are taking on the blame. Its simpler to say that it was his job to buy and he didn't get round to it.

I rang my aunt in law and asked if she had got our xmas card 3 years ago explained that it was his job and he had cocked up.
With the he has got just one thing to do , I buy and cook and clean and full time work etc etc. Now its a joke at how late or early the card is. ITs firmly on him to prove how useless he isn't

DrSeuss · 28/12/2010 11:35

If he were a child what would you do? If you fail to follow through with kids, they learn that you are a pushover and continue the undesirable behaviour. I also fought this one a few years ago. If you give in now, the task is yours forever.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 28/12/2010 11:40

OP, where is he NOW, right now?

Get InterblooodlyFlora up on screen now and stand over the fecker until he chooses a bouquet, a bloody big one, and sends it express delivery to Granny tomorrow.

DON'T BAIL HIM OUT BY DOING IT YOURSELF.

What a pathetic little man.

FudgeGirl · 28/12/2010 11:40

Buying presents for his family is DP's domain.

I'll collect things he's ordered or even buy things I know he wants to get them if I see them, but he only has three people to buy for (PIL and his DS) and I buy for more than 20 so he has to take responsibility for those.

I think the problem is you've done it for him in the past, he thinks you'll cave and get the presents if he doesn't bother Shock

DP hasn't got a card for his parents, I'm not going to stress about it - they're coming today and I have a box of nice cards he can use one from - I'll have to stand over him and force him to write it though!!! Why is that? My Mum's DP has only TWO cards to write each year, she literally has his arm up his back forcing him to write them!

HappyHECmanay · 28/12/2010 11:40

You know, littlemiss, telling someone that you are going to have to apologise for their behaviour is not actually bailing them out.

If I'm being honest, it's rather manipulative and designed to make them feel like if you did that, they'd be humiliated, so they would choose to go and get the gifts rather than face that humiliation.

Hmm which is rather bitchy when you think about it. but I have that streak Blush

But it's not bailing them out. Not at all.

Quite the opposite, actually.

Pancakeflipper · 28/12/2010 11:42

My DP hates you lot - I never knew men bought pressies for the extended family members. Oh wait until next year....

But then again it really does sound easier if I just buy what I think they'd like and let them all hug me saying big thanks and me take the glory, rather than upset relatives over principles. Poor Granny.

IAmReallyFabNow · 28/12/2010 11:45

DH and I both buy presents for his relatives. I mostly write and send all his family cards.

Ephiny · 28/12/2010 11:46

I wouldn't do anything, and wouldn't nag or remind him about it either. My DH is 100% responsible for any cards or presents for his side of the family, including remembering when their birthdays are etc. I stay completely out of it, never even think or wonder about it, and actually have no idea when any of their birthdays are or what he got them for Christmas this year. They're not my family so it's none of my business.

Fortunately he's very good at doing all this, however if he didn't - yes it would be a shame if anyone didn't get their present and felt upset or neglected, but it would be his fault and his problem, not mine, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. If he wants to be rude and thoughtless towards his own family, that's up to him - it wouldn't make me think very highly of him, but it's up to him what he does.

Ephiny · 28/12/2010 11:47

sorry, my DP not DH - maybe irrelevant, or do the expectations change when you're officially married?

penguin73 · 28/12/2010 11:49

Whilst this is going on there is only one person suffering here and like you said that sucks - so for that reason I'd send the flowers. Without knowing the reason for your change of heart re buying presents for everyone else it's hard to comment on who's right/wrong.

methsdrinker · 28/12/2010 11:50

I have just had a brill idea, send her one of thoses dogging necklaces or better still tell dh you will send her a dogging necklace if he doesn't get his finger out.

jendot · 28/12/2010 12:40

I do xmas...dh's family are now my family too... I WANT to buy them presents as I do my own family.

Dh gives me money towards the presents..but I buy and wrap the lot.

ajandjjmum · 28/12/2010 12:55

What has changed to make you delegate 4 presents to him?

I do our pressies for our whole family, although dh does come up with ideas and surprises from time to time. He is also brilliant with original presents for me. But he does loads of stuff that I don't.

It's a partnership.

Most of the time it works.

MadBanners · 28/12/2010 13:06

I do all of the present buying and what to get people. I quite enjoy it, and as pp said..his family are now my family too.

I really cannot be bothered to get into playing games and telling him he must sort out his family! And I will sort mine.

Yes, present buying is my job...it gets done on time and right, I am not about to split half of that job and expect dh to sort it....god forbid, he may expect me to start doing half the cooking! Which is clearly his job, he is better at it.

We just do the jobs we are good at without making it into a "game" to be won!

mjinsparklystockings · 28/12/2010 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

follyfoot · 28/12/2010 13:14

My DH buys all the presents for his side of the family and also does 'his' Christmas cards. When we met he hadnt done any of it in his previous marriage, but to me its straightforward - they are his responsibility not mine. If I see something I think would make a good gift for one of them, I'd maybe phone him and offer to get it on his behalf, but thats the extent of it.

Persistence does work - this year his presents were wrapped and under the tree days before mine and he even had some spare wrapping paper to donate to me Grin

It made us laugh given how useless he'd been in the past, but it does show that they can change.

PS "Sorry ladies, but although I work full time, I am the wife, I am in charge of the house and I organise Christmas - it's part of our partnership - and a little extra always comes back my way when I hand over the bills smile." Lordy, have we travelled back in time here? Sad

upahill · 28/12/2010 13:22

''"Dh and I are a good team and he pulls his weight in other areas. We play to our strengths, and buying gifts is not a strength of his"

So, what happened to this good team you boasted about? What happened to playing to your strengths? Has he delegated some of "his" jobs to you?

On the basis of your OP, you are both to blame.

I really agree with this statement.

DH does many many things that either I can't do well or can't be arsed doing so as a sense of fair play I pick up the slack in other areas.

upahill · 28/12/2010 13:25

''Sorry ladies, but although I work full time, I am the wife, I am in charge of the house and I organise Christmas - it's part of our partnership - and a little extra always comes back my way when I hand over the bills .''

All those critizing this post should remember what ever works for one family may not work for another. It seems to work happy enough for Onceamai.

Horses for courses and all that.

oldraver · 28/12/2010 13:27

If you intend to stand firm then you have to do it totally. No sending his DN something as by doing that you are sayinmg you will rescue the situtation and he again gets of scott free