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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming that my DH doesn't give a stuff about me being ill?

94 replies

prettymuchapixiegirl · 27/12/2010 10:52

I recently had a bad chest infection during which time DH wouldn't acknowledge that I was ill, at all. I got no sympathy and no help with anything.

Now DD1 and I have a stomach bug, DH had to deal with DD1 in the night as I was too ill, and he's now in a real bad mood about it all, and has gone off to do his hobby this morning leaving me with an ill 12 year old, a 6 year old and a 1 and a half year old. I can barely move. DH said that he wasn't prepared to stay in this morning as then he would feel "punished" because I was ill and it was no fault of his.

I am so angry, if I had more energy I'd cry.

OP posts:
clam · 29/12/2010 09:51

What hobby takes place on a Monday morning?!

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 09:54

I'd better not say, Clam, as it's quite an unusual hobby, but basically it's an outdoor hobby that can be done anytime as long as it's done in pairs. And of course with Monday being a bank holiday all his "hobby" friends were off work.

OP posts:
ensure · 29/12/2010 09:55

He sounds like an idiot. :(

monkeyflippers · 29/12/2010 10:08

Is he always so selfish?

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 10:11

He didn't used to be, Monkey, but lately more and more so, yes. His dad is very chauvanistic and a very "I am right" person and it seems like DH is getting more and more like him.

It seems that the longer we've been together, the less his considers me.

Am feeling very neglected, deflated and unloved at the moment. Sorry to sound self-pitying and I know there are others with much worse problems (God, watching Noel's Christmas presents put it all in perspective for me), but I just feel like it's been a shit Christmas, when okay it wasn't nice that the kids and I were ill but it could have been better than it was if DH had been nicer.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 29/12/2010 10:13

"DH said that he wasn't prepared to stay in this morning as then he would feel "punished" because I was ill and it was no fault of his."

That is quite literally the worst thing I have ever read on MN, short of actual domestic violence.

He sounds self-absorbed to a level that would shame my toddler. You have an 18 month old child and he is unwilling to parent that child because he is angry that you are ill?

dessen · 29/12/2010 10:16

prettymuchapixiegirl - how awful for you. Hope you're better soon.

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 10:17

Yes Perfectstorm, it's horrible isn't it? :( The more I think about it and about how he's spoken to me these last few days the more angry I get.

In truth I don't want to end the marriage, but I need to be tougher and teach him that I won't tolerate this. Quite how I don't know though.

OP posts:
nomoreheels · 29/12/2010 10:19

Sure, there are loads of people out there who have better or worse lives, but your problems are still serious - it's making you unhappy. I really feel for you as I can imagine how heartbreaking it must feel to be so unsupported when you need it.

I hope you can get away for a break to do some thinking soon. Take care.

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 10:19

Thank you Dessen

OP posts:
Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 10:20

And thank you too Nomoreheels, and everyone else for the advice and support, it really is much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 10:53

Sorry to keep dragging this on, but I have no one else to talk to, so thought I would just vent this here too.

The house is a total tip; whilst I've been ill he has done literally nothing. I think he's unloaded the dishwasher once, and washed one load of sick-covered bedding from one of the girls but other than that has done nothing. He really does think that he's done me a massive favour by "letting" me stay in bed and by looking after the kids when they've been ill. He made a comment yesterday that he's "done a lot for me" these past few days, I think he means by looking after our kids.

OP posts:
TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 29/12/2010 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrostyAndSlippery · 29/12/2010 10:58

Can't believe how many threads I've seen like this :(

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 11:11

BrandyButterfly, he just gets arsey. I pointed out that it was hardly helping if he was looking after our children but he then started going on about how tired he was etc etc. It's like he's been taken over by a child and can't think like an adult anymore. Infuriating.

Did I mention earlier in the thread that on the first day I was ill, when he had been to do his hobby, he wouldn't even get me a glass of water? I was hobbling between our bedroom and the bathroom to fill the glass myself from the bathroom tap as I was desperately thirsty, but could barely walk to get it myself. He actually has treated the dog better than me these last few days, at least the dog has had her water topped up regularly and hasn't been shouted at.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 11:17

too many threads like this......but i used to also be with a dickhead like yours. i left eventually because in my experience,they get a lot WORSE as they get older. he won't improve,so really,its a waste of time staying and trying to change him.

needafootmassage · 29/12/2010 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 29/12/2010 11:21

Sorry, but I agree with IloveTiff. She speaks wise words, from experience. She's on her own with, is it 5 you've got, Tiff?, and making it.

Megletitsnow · 29/12/2010 11:24

He sounds like my XP. I agree with ilovetiffany, they don't get better. We went to Relate and he was still an asshole.

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 29/12/2010 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JodiesMummy · 29/12/2010 11:26

YANBU OP my DP had ZERO sympathy the day before Christmas Eve when I came down with it, I could barely lift my head, he cheerfully went out leaving me with DD all day, refused to get his mum to help me and now he has got it and he has been ill for three days and I have had to fetch and carry for him all the time. I did a thread on it. I hate how when men are ill its "worse".

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 29/12/2010 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 11:43

yes expat,i have 5 dc.lone parent. but a happy parent.

i actually saw alot of my former self in the op's posts. i wonder what makes men like this?

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 12:22

Jodiesmummy, I think I remember your thread. Hope you are feeling lots better now.

I hope you're refusing to do things for him now he's ill. Men, hey!!

OP posts:
snowflake69 · 29/12/2010 12:28

YANBU. I have been ill since Christmas day evening and my husband has done 100% of childcare and household stuff since. I havent even moved and have been sleeping all day or been lying there completely useless. That is what your husband should do for you.