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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming that my DH doesn't give a stuff about me being ill?

94 replies

prettymuchapixiegirl · 27/12/2010 10:52

I recently had a bad chest infection during which time DH wouldn't acknowledge that I was ill, at all. I got no sympathy and no help with anything.

Now DD1 and I have a stomach bug, DH had to deal with DD1 in the night as I was too ill, and he's now in a real bad mood about it all, and has gone off to do his hobby this morning leaving me with an ill 12 year old, a 6 year old and a 1 and a half year old. I can barely move. DH said that he wasn't prepared to stay in this morning as then he would feel "punished" because I was ill and it was no fault of his.

I am so angry, if I had more energy I'd cry.

OP posts:
clam · 27/12/2010 13:03

I'm always reading on here about men who do this. It's quite astounding.
Do NOT let it go. If you just shrug it off, or seethe silently and be a martyr about it, it will become the accepted norm. Ask him to justify how on earth he seriously thought it would be OK to do that to you when you are unwell. If he says that you're not unwell, I would tell him that you are the better judge of that, but the point is that you asked for his help (not that caring for his kids should be defined as "helping" but that's an argument for another day) and he ignored you.

And put any festive shags RIGHT off the cards until he's treating you better!

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 27/12/2010 13:19

Well he's back and he's in a right old mood, shouting and banging around. I haven't got anyone I can go to really as my parents both have the virus and I wouldn't want to risk spreading it around to any friends or other family.

This sort of thing used to be out of character for him but it's becoming more and more the norm now. He says he's angry because he's had little sleep, but surely it's not made him that angry.

He keeps saying "DD is ill, but you're not". Like he thinks I lie around in bed at Christmas time for fun when I'd much rather be doing family things.

By the way, as soon as he got back I have come back to bed and intend on staying there until I feel considerably better.

OP posts:
clam · 27/12/2010 13:24

And how much sleep did you get?
Aside from being ill, I'm guessing he wasn't quiet and tiptoeing about in the night...

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 27/12/2010 13:31

The selfish, nasty twat Shock

I wouldn't be leaving the kids with him when he's ill, I'd be leaving him. He has told you quite plainly that he doesn't give a shit about you or your (as is yours and his) children.

Bastard!!!! (him not you)

Ephiny · 27/12/2010 13:31

Why on earth would you be pretending to be ill if you're not? Does he honestly think that's a more likely scenario than you having caught a bug that's very common this time of year, and that your parents and daughter have got as well?

You did the right thing in going to bed, now make sure you stay there until you feel well enough to be up and about!

Maybe when you're feeling better it would be a good idea to have a talk about what's going on in your relationship, and why he's so angry and unpleasant towards you recently? Lack of sleep is no excuse for behaving like this, there has to be more to it.

nomoreheels · 27/12/2010 13:32

Sod him. He's just angry because he has to do some work around the house, and therefore you being ill is inconvenient = must be faking it. Twunt.

monkeyflippers · 27/12/2010 13:33

I am assuming that you have been vomiting or have the poops or soemthing . . . how does he think that is happenening if you are not really ill?

dontforgetthejoker · 27/12/2010 14:06

I suggest you get off the computer and try to sleep. I would be a bit annoyed if my dp was professing to be ill but was well enough to 'social network'. Not saying you're not genuinely sick, but you are giving him ammunition. Hope you are all better soon.

Bunnyjo · 27/12/2010 14:23

OP, poor you. I hope you and your little one are feeling much better soon. Your D(?)H's behaviour is frankly disgusting - I would kill be having very stern words with my DH if he pulled a stunt like that.

As it is, I'm 19wk pregnant and was told last week I have suspected gallstones, which was sheer agony. On top of that I have a raging cold (which is affecting my asthma) and also a UTI. Our DD, who is 3, has also been ill with a cold and had to go to our OOH GP last night as she also has a UTI. DH has spent the last two nights pretty much awake and has just ran me a bath and sent me to bed, whilst he and DD have a duvet day in the living room. I haven't lifted a finger over the last three or so days and that is how it should be! I hope your H realises what an arse he is being and have some very unmumsnetty (((hugs))) x

classydiva · 27/12/2010 15:17

Some have a phobia about being around sick people, maybe that is why he is as selfish as he is? Have you asked him if he has a problem with people being ill?

classydiva · 27/12/2010 15:18

Some have a phobia about being around sick people, maybe that is why he is as selfish as he is? Have you asked him if he has a problem with people being ill?

tulpe · 27/12/2010 18:16

OP please nip this in the bud with your DH now. He is being a total twat.

Don't put up with this behaviour. I have sadly just stopped seeing a good friend because her DH continued to treat her in this manner and I couldn't deal with the yo-yo attitude of "he's a spiteful bastard" followed very shortly by "oh bless him, he has had a hard week".

Is this totally out of character for him? Is there perhaps something going on that he hasn't told you about? Something he may be stressed about?

If not, and this is his default setting, you need to tell him it is unacceptable. TBH, I would rather be alone as a single parent than dealing day in, day out with a "man" who considers this ok behaviour.

OTTMummA · 27/12/2010 20:09

I would ask why he was with me if he thought i would lie about being ill.
I would tell him to leave because i can't love someone who thinks that low of me.

The line about being punished, to me reeks of resentment, thats what he really means, that he thinks he will resent you more if you make him stay home and look after DC and you instead off you perking up ( as if ) and not making a 'fuss' about him going out.

basically he is a selfish cunt, but you and everyone else here knows that, so ball is in your court.

onepieceoflollipop · 27/12/2010 20:14

horrible man.

In the past dh and I have had to look after the dcs when one of us has been ill. (for example if I have had to work at the weekend and he has been ill and the two dcs are with him at home)

However, in those conditions (and it has happened to both of us, we are equals) when the other person comes home from work they take over completely all domestic/childcare issues and let the ill partner rest as much as possible.

I am really Sad about your situation.

The way we see it is that we are equal parents. We both chose to have our children.

plupervert · 27/12/2010 22:15

DH now has what I had a week or so ago. He missed most of Christmas and the whole of Boxing day and today.

I have been a bit impatient, but have left him to it (he prefers this) rather than banging around and moaning at him, and have cooked him dinner this evening.

Now, I had to continue to "work" (with DS) while I was ill, not get days in bed with the house blissfully empty, but even I am feeling as though I am a bit unsympathic. Your H is being utterly unsympathetic, lacking in empathy, and - dare I say it - rather selfish.

At least I have the excuse of keeping DS occupied, for my leaving DH to himself these last few days. MIL probably thinks me v unfeeling, as she worries about ever more exotic symptoms, then phones me to ask about them - he hasn't got them - but I think it's better to give both DH and DS what they want; that is, respectively: peace&quiet and lots of attention!

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 28/12/2010 10:18

Thanks all, well I'm pleased to say he got a bit more sympathetic as the day went on. He spent the night up with DD2 who was being sick, but isn't in half as bad a mood today as yesterday.

I was in bed from 1pm yesterday afternoon until 9am this morning, sleeping on and off. I'm in bed now and plan to stay here for most of today.

What's fucked me off furthermore today is I've found out my sister, BIL and her kids had all had stomach bugs a day or so before Xmas day and then gone to my mum's for Xmas, which is where we picked up the bugs. My nephew had diahorrea on the day but my sister was insistant it was "teething" that caused it. My mum and dad both have the bug too, caught from them. Apparently my BIL was in bed for days last week being sick. How fucking selfish that they still came to mums, if it was me I would have stayed home as I wouldn't have wanted to risk passing it on. Surely everyone knows the "48 hour rule".

I really feel like it's ruined Xmas for us all this year; my friends have FB statuses about going sales shopping, enjoying nice meals and going out and having family time, yet I'm stuck in bed because of my sister and BIL's selfishness.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 09:10

Well, he's still in a bad mood with me; he was a bit better with me yesterday and did get me a bit of lunch and a slice of toast at tea time but keeps saying "I'm TIRED" like a child over and over again and looking at me when he says it! I got up at around 4ish yesterday as I felt a lot better suddenly and I tried to do a few things in the house but felt quite weak through 2 days of not eating so couldn't do loads.

Last night he went to bed reasonably early. I then fell asleep on the sofa watching TV, I woke up at 2am and decided as he was so tired it was best not to disturb him so I spent the night on the sofa. At 7am I heard him put the TV on in bed so I went up to join him in bed and he literally wouldn't speak to me, he just kept playing on his phone. He then started shouting at me as I accidently threw his toothbrush out thinking it was DD1's (she had been sick a lot and cleaned her teeth after each time). I said I had spare new toothbrushes in the drawer, and he started kicking off saying he didn't want a new one he wanted the old one, even though they were both the fucking same. After treading on eggshells for 2 days I lost patience at that point and told him to grow up and stop acting like a fucking child.

I feel so upset; I'm much better now but just feel shit that Christmas was ruined because of the bug and because of how he's treated me.

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 29/12/2010 09:11

Have you spoken to DH about how he behaved?

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 09:12

I tried to yesterday Monkey, yes. I tried to be very calm and unemotional about it, but the crux of it is he thinks he's right, that I wasn't ill, that I ruined Christmas and that he has every right to be a cunt about it, basically.

OP posts:
altinkum · 29/12/2010 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 09:18

I am seriously thinking about it Altinkum. Am going to take the kids out for the day when they get up, so won't be here when he gets home from work and won't bother letting him know we've gone out or where we've gone.

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 29/12/2010 09:23

What a shit head!

Really what happened is that he found it hard having to look after your sick child so decided to pretend that you weren't ill even though this meant calling you a liar and causing a massive row to let himself off the hook so he could go out and do his hobby guilt free. That's pretty much it isn't it?

Don't put up with it.

clam · 29/12/2010 09:32

I'm furious on your behalf!
He's behaving like a complete bastard. I can't see any excuse for it that doesn't paint him in a bad light.
Hope you're all feeling better now. Hope he gets the bug now too. Badly. And don't nurse him when he does.

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 29/12/2010 09:40

I meant to add too that he thinks he is justified in going off to do his hobby when I was clearly unwell, and if anything says he is pissed off with me as he was late getting there and didn't stay there as long as normal, and he thinks it's perfectly fair and reasonable that he should have gone to his hobby and perfectly fair and reasonable to blame me for not being able to stay for long.

Apparently tis I with the problem....

OP posts:
JaxTellersOldLady · 29/12/2010 09:42

I am furious too! What an absolute dickhead!

Why can he not be sympathetic? Look after the children and you too.

I speak from experience when I say that my DH has had to look after both our children and myself as we have had 'the bug' - he got on with it and I have to say is far better at dealing with sick than I am. He didnt complain, he didnt shout, he brought me water, crackers and anything else that the children and I needed.

THAT is what your other half should be doing, not behaving like a fucking toddler having a tantrum.

Hope you feel better soon OP.