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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for travel agent vouchers for a wedding gift?

94 replies

Vornie · 26/12/2010 18:28

This is my first post - have been lurking for some time!

DP proposed yesterday, it was wonderful. That was not the only surprise though, he has also booked the church for May 28th 2011. My parents live in Australia and it coincides with their visit so Dad can give me away etc. We have decided to postpone the honeymoon until autumn 2011 as I want to spend the fortnight following the wedding with my parents (I won't have seen them for 18 months).

DP and I have been living together for five years and have everything we need. AIBU to ask for travel agent vouchers towards our belated honeymoon?

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 26/12/2010 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

panettoinydog · 26/12/2010 20:30

That's fine mouse. But I wouldn't want my guests to be irritated by teh invitation. That's all.

JaneS · 26/12/2010 20:36

I agree with those who say, tell people who're already asking you'd appreciate vouchers - as long as you know they come in small amounts (10 quid, as well as 50), or it'll sound a bit rude.

But when you get to sending out invitations, it's polite not to mention gifts on them and to wait until you're asked. At that point you might have to resign yourself to people who ask, then say 'ooh, no, I want to get you something lasting' or people who don't like the idea. So maybe say that you know some people are getting you vouchers, but you're just pleased to have them there? That's nice wording if you don't want to sound pushy.

Inevitably, you will end up with someone who just damn well wants to get you what s/he considers 'right' - it's inescapable, and fair play.

Congratulations!

eviscerateyourmemory · 26/12/2010 20:38

I think that asking for travel vouchers is OK, better to know what you would like and be able to buy that then to just have to guess and then possibly end up buying omething unsuitable.

funmother · 26/12/2010 20:52

It wouldnt bother me at all. This way at least people will know that their present will be used as opposed to being stuffed at the back of a cupboard never to see the light of day again!

MamaVoo · 26/12/2010 21:12

Of course YANBU. If I'm invited to a wedding then I'm going to give a gift, and I'd much rather know what the couple want up front than having to guess or chase them up to find out. We had a honeymoon gift list, as have friends of ours.

I don't know anyone in RL who would have their sensibilities offended by being steered in the right direction for a gift - only on MN.

loopylou6 · 26/12/2010 21:14

Point of the matter is people might not be able to afford to give an amount that they feel happy with, its.not fair to put people in this situation.

MorticiaAddams · 26/12/2010 21:21

YANBU. I hate the idea that anybody who sends a registry card or twee poem with the invite is grasping. In reality whenever we are invited to a wedding we expect and often want to give a present and it seems ridiculous to hide that fact behind etiquette.

We didn't send out anything with our wedding invitations and of course everyone was asking what we wanted so we went along the vouchers route. We did also stress that if anybody wanted to buy us a particular present then we would be over the moon to have something more personal.

We had a box for the cards and vouchers but more recently I've heard of people that have left envelopes so that you can put your vouchers/cash in anonymously to save any embarrassment of how much they can/cannot afford which I think is a nice idea.

FakePlasticTrees · 26/12/2010 21:29

i don't like a gift list that's just a "give me money" - and if you are going to ask for vouchers, you might as well as ask for cash, it's easier for the guest.

But anyway, I think you're focusing on the wrong thing - love, if you want a dress made, 5 months doesn't give you much time! Invites don't need to go for a few months, if you want to pick a dress based on which one you actually want rather than which one is available, you need to get to the shops first week of January.

NestaFiesta · 26/12/2010 21:58

YANBU. Its traditional to take a wedding gift of some sort to a wedding, let's not pretend otherwise. However,I wouldn't care if my guests couldn't afford one, as long as they showed up. Fine to ask for travel vouchers if you are already living together. I'd be happy with that if I was a guest. Congratulations!

MumBarTheDoorSantaUsesChimneys · 26/12/2010 22:08

Congratulations.

YANBU My cousin did this and had a fab honeymoon in Las Vegas.

swanandduck · 26/12/2010 22:29

I agree with other posters. If people ask what you'd like, specify travel vouchers (and have parents and siblings alerted in case they are asked) but don't include it in the invitation. Also, if people you know are hard up or living on a pension, don't ask for a voucher as they will feel pressurised to spend more than they can afford. Have a list of moderately priced stuff that you or your family can trot out for people in that situation.

Loshad · 26/12/2010 22:33

I would be embarasses to have to give cash/vouchers - it is very in your face in terms of how much you have spent. i'm afraid it does seem rather greedy and grasping, and also a giver may feel their gift is lost in the general pile - we got married more than 18 years ago, today i used the le crueset casserole dish my sister gave me, yesterday we used the giant serving dish given my another guest - daily lovely reminders of our guests, whereas with vouchers it would all merge into one.

ifancyashandy · 26/12/2010 22:38

YABU. I hate being asked for money (and that is what you may be doing) for presents of any description.

I figure if you can't afford the honeymoon you want without others contributing, then you can't afford to do it.

Hate it. Sorry.

Congrats though!

MsKLo · 26/12/2010 22:41

YANBU at all
Go for it
And if people have a problem with that they can jog on

Your guests should be happy to get you something you need!

Antalya1 · 26/12/2010 22:42

Definatley YANBU, I know plenty of couples that have asked for money towards honeymoon's, in fact I think that there is a web-site specifically where guests can donate, I would rather give my money towards what the bride and groom really want rather than their collection of woks!!

swanandduck · 26/12/2010 22:46

"If people have a problem with that they can jog on".

Nice

annielouisa · 26/12/2010 22:46

We bought travel vouchers for our neighbours who are also like honorary DC on their wedding day and were delighted to be contributing to something we knew they truly wanted. They had lived as a couple for many years and had their home fully kitted out. I did not feel offeneded by their request for vouchers and was happy to be part of helping them enjoy a wonderful honeymoon.

onceamai · 26/12/2010 22:49

Old fashioned thought here - the groom is supposed to pay for the honeymoon - not the guests - personally I think the request is very rude.

RockinRobinBird · 26/12/2010 22:50

YANBU. Presumably the people you would invite to your wedding are people that like/love you, want you to be happy and want to do something nice for you. If I was a guest I would be delighted to contribute towards something you really want and am not egotistical enough to feel the need for you to look at a vase you hate 20 years down the line and remember me, that's if you remembered who I was. You'll have better memories of your honeymoon.

Lurk on here a bit more and you'll see that MNetters think that no one should have anything they actually want, that you should be grateful for what you're given, that you should regularly beat yourself with sticks if you dare ask for anything, and that despite hundreds and hundreds of years of tradition of giving gifts to a newlywed couple, that getting married absolutely does not entitle you to expect a present, that you are greedy and grasping and should be boiled in oil for your sense of entitlement.

Actually, some people's reactions on here make me sick. The 'You will have what I want to give you regardless of whether you want it or not' brigade. And the couple are the selfish ones... It's all so mealy mouthed and resentful.

taintedsnow · 26/12/2010 22:57

YABU to include anything referencing a gift of any kind in the wedding invitation. That is grasping whether or not you intend to be.

I hate the idea of vouchers or money being requested full stop though. It is tacky and like charging an admission fee. People feel obligated by the occasion to give you money, which makes it distasteful.

However, if you get asked what you would like, and obviously you already know that will happen, why not say something like the following?:

"Oh, thank you very much for asking what we would like, but as we already live together, we have everything we would need. If you would like to do something nice for us, it would be lovely if you could make a donation to [insert favourite charity of B & G] in our names."

If you have set up home already, then that's a lovely way for people to give a gift that doesn't make you seem money grabbing.

You can bet your life that if you go ahead and ask for money (even if it is towards your honeymoon) that a decent amount of the guests will be making catsbumfaces about you. Sorry, but I've been to a number of weddings like this, and people don't give because they want to, they do it because they feel like they have to and it's really very tacky and does get talked about amongst the guests. Charity donations are what I would do, and I'm certainly not made of money. You just should not be asking your guests to pay for a holiday for you.

This will polarise opinion on MN though. The issue has been done to death. There is even someone who has posted here in the past who ask the guests to pay for their own food at the wedding, so you will get all manner of responses.

ifancyashandy · 26/12/2010 23:04

Oh and I should make it clear that I have no issue with giving a gift. Something tangiable that you can keep and look on as a reminder of your wedding day. Either from a list (if guests ask) or 'off piste'. But financial donations are tacky and grasping. It feels, I dunno.... Chavvy and 'keeping up with the Jones'' - we WILL have the best that (others) money can afford and live like Princes fot two weeks; even if we can't afford it ourselves'. Just feels nasty.

Go and self cater in Greece for two weeks instead!

onmyfeet · 26/12/2010 23:11

Congratulations!
I feel it is always in poor taste to ask for any gifts, especially if added in with the invitation.

onmyfeet · 26/12/2010 23:25

" However, many couples have lists at John Lewis etc which are included in the invitations. I just don't want to appear rude!"

They are the rude ones, including a list.

begonyabampot · 27/12/2010 00:11

We didn't need or want gifts but knew that people would bring them. Back then i was anti gift list and would never have asked for money or vouchers etc. So I ended up with some of these lovely tangible gifts - they are still in my mums loft - appreciated but never used.

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