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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

well am i?

58 replies

rachelmummy · 25/12/2010 15:54

DH and I have a traditional relationship - he works and I look after our children.

AS it's worked out, he works away alot and I stay at home with our twins.

I've been unhappy with things for a little while now - I am totally responsible for all childcare 24/7, 7 days a week. He gets to have his hobbies, I get to clean the house (or get the face, cos the house isn't clean)

I've been thinking he's been having an affair for about 6 months now (found some texts, which I questioned him about, but he's been super careful with his phone now and never brings his work PC home anymore) but can't prove anytthing...

SO, Christmas... I got him so small but thoughtful gifts. He got me a watch (a nice one, but he bought himself one too at the same time) and that was it. I mean... that was it. No card, no other present, at all.

AIBU to be a bit off about it?

I bought him some nice things, to do with his hobbies, and a few bit of clothes, but thoughtful.

He didn't think about me at all, did he?

OP posts:
TheMonster · 25/12/2010 15:56

the alot

Original poster
rachelmummy · 25/12/2010 16:00

Thanks for that. Obviously all I needed Hmm

OP posts:
InPraiseOfBacchus · 25/12/2010 16:08

I don't understand how you can complain when you've agreed to give up any sort of financial freedom in favour of being traditional. Why not buy yourself some pretty shoes next time hubby gives you some spending money.

NinkyNonker · 25/12/2010 16:15

Oh quit giving her a hard time. Being a SAHM,like many on here, does not mean that she has handed over all or any claim to a little respect and love.

OP,YANBU. He sounds like an arse.

JosieRosie · 25/12/2010 16:19

YANBU. Sounds very stingy to me, more like a token gift than a heartfelt one. And it never ceases to amaze me how quick people are to post on here to tell you to 'get over it'. If you can't say something helpful or at least sympathetic, jog on Hmm

JustinCaseyHowls · 25/12/2010 16:33

get the face? Xmas Hmm

TheMonster · 25/12/2010 16:35

But he bought her a nice watch so he did think about her.

Strawbezza · 25/12/2010 16:45

OP, did he ask you what you wanted as a present? I suspect not - and he has done his best to buy you something he'd think you'd like. Trouble is, he hasn't given enough thought to this (unlike you). But the fact that he hasn't, doesn't mean he's having an affair.

ellesbelles79 · 25/12/2010 16:47

Understand that you might be a little upset but he did at least get you something....he may not have put a great deal of thought into the present but sometimes you just have to accept these things and be grateful.

Maybe next year you can give him a small wishlist so he knows what sort of thing you might like/want?

My OH gave me baby clothes today, for our baby due in Feb Hmm

He said "you're pregnant so I didnt know what else to get you"

Confused

Anyway, I was a little frustrated but grateful that he had taken the time to get the present. He had clearly taken his time choosing something nice so Im happy enough. xxx

NinkyNonker · 25/12/2010 16:48

His whole demeanor sounds arsish (new word) to me.

violethill · 25/12/2010 16:50

So he gave you a nice watch, but you're disatisfied with it?

Sounds like there's more of a problem in your relationship than just Christmas gifts......

NinkyNonker · 25/12/2010 16:52

It does sound a little thoughtless though,only buying her the same as he was buying himself anyway? Still v confused by a couple of posts implying the OP shouldn't expect anything as she looks after the house,cause that is a doddle and won't make his life any easier or more pleasant. More time for hobbies eh. Hmm

SuzieHomemaker · 25/12/2010 16:59

Rachelmummy - are you sure you have got the rules of gift giving established with your DH?

Away from birthdays and Christmas it is well worth having a discussion with your DH about this. DH and I dont give each other gifts as all money is in the joint account so spending joint money would seem a bit weird IYSWIM. Does your DH feel this?

Ephiny · 25/12/2010 17:10

A nice watch sounds like a perfectly good gift to me, I'm not sure why you're unhappy with that. I wouldn't expect more than one present from my DP, especially not if the watch was quite expensive.

Agree that your dissatisfaction is about more than the present though. Have you tried talking to him about how unhappy you're feeling generally?

LadyLapsang · 25/12/2010 17:28

If you are unhappy about the amount of childcare your DH does renegotiate, if you think he's having an affair ask him, but I can't see anything wrong with getting a watch for Christmas.

LionsAreScary · 25/12/2010 17:41

YABU about the Christmas present. A watch sound like a good present.

Sounds like there is much more to this than one dud present, though. In those areas, maybe YANBU.

feistychickfightingthebull · 25/12/2010 17:51

I didn't get anything from my DH and I am totally fine with that. I am very much into christmas but not so much in to the 'must buy a gift etc'. I buy gifts for the kids and all but couldn't care less if I get one or not. I care more about birthdays tbh. I think yabu about it, men are hopeless at buying presents but at the end of the day you know you DH best so if this seems out of sync then maybe he is having an affair

FrostyAndSlippery · 25/12/2010 18:03

I don't know, a watch is a nice present but it's a bit cheeky to have got himself one as well if they were expensive, as he's been given other gifts too. It's like saying "I deserve a nice watch for the hell of it, but you have to wait for me to let you have it as a gift"

Besom · 25/12/2010 18:19

rachelmummy - you're obviously unhappy and need to have some sympathetic support.

Can I suggest posting in the relationships topic rather than Aibu as you'll get more considered replies.

diddl · 25/12/2010 18:25

Watch sounds fine to me.

Husband bought me flowers, biscuits & a scatter cushion.

Was well chuffed as we don´t usually bother with presents for each other.

He bought himself a new mobile.

And tbh that´s fine with me as I have no interest in mobile phones.

SkyBluePearl · 25/12/2010 19:57

its the affair bit that would worry me. is there any way you could find out?

Original poster
rachelmummy · 26/12/2010 20:49

I didn't think you would all be so mean.

'Rules' are well established. This is the first year he's not bothered with as much as a card.

Yes, I got a watch. It just happened to be there while he bought himself one. There wasn't a bean of thought.

I do appreciate he cares for me financially. I had thought mumsnet might have thought more of me than a mummy who doesn't deserve another thought as long as the man provides. That's what I get from his mother and from mine (we are both from traditional families) but I was obviously wrong.

Will save my time and effort and get some pretty shoes instead Hmm

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 26/12/2010 20:55

it's not mean to tell you rethink the roles that have developed within your family

what do you do for you, do you have a hobby, an interest, outsource the cleaning/ironing, why not start a course of study, or volunteer?

it shouldn't all be about being subservient to the man

trixie123 · 26/12/2010 20:56

sorry you are being given a hard time - being a SAHM doesn't mean you are not entitled to a bit of thought. The watch sounds ok but only if you needed a new one, it was a design that suits you or you'd expressed an interest, otherwise its a bit of a random "that'll do" gift. Why do you not get hobby time? what does he do when he is home?

WherecanIhide · 26/12/2010 21:00

I imagine op wants to feel appreciated.

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