well am i?

[rachelmummy]

DH and I have a traditional relationship - he works and I look after our children.

AS it's worked out, he works away alot and I stay at home with our twins.

I've been unhappy with things for a little while now - I am totally responsible for all childcare 24/7, 7 days a week. He gets to have his hobbies, I get to clean the house (or get the face, cos the house isn't clean)

I've been thinking he's been having an affair for about 6 months now (found some texts, which I questioned him about, but he's been super careful with his phone now and never brings his work PC home anymore) but can't prove anytthing...

SO, Christmas... I got him so small but thoughtful gifts. He got me a watch (a nice one, but he bought himself one too at the same time) and that was it. I mean... that was it. No card, no other present, at all.

AIBU to be a bit off about it?

I bought him some nice things, to do with his hobbies, and a few bit of clothes, but thoughtful.

He didn't think about me at all, did he?

You've grown apart, and hes started to resent spending money hes earned on you.

Did you get better presents last year? I bet you did.

Beyond keeping house and family for him, it sounds like you dont factor much in eachothers lives right now.

It could be that someone else has stepped in to fill the void. Or is attempting to do so.

He needs a job where hes at home more often!

rachelmummy my dh wouldn't get me anything unless I gave himn a very comprehensive list. Lots of men are rubbish at present buying. Also have you been talkin gto him about work? Maybe leavin ghis PC at work is just his ay of ensuring that he switches off from it and is not tempted to log onand check his e-mails whilst at home? I would also be p*ssed off in your position though and understand how you feel. Often mem do seem to gget all the free time whicst women, esp SAHMs get wall to wall kid hassle. Have you thought about going back to work? Maybe just part time?

I can see why you're feeling fed up and unappreciated.
It always seems odd to me when partners are secretive about their earnings - even more so when you're married. SAHM's seem to get the brunt of this quite often too - the sense that they aren't entitled to an equal share in the household money which seems very wrong to me.
Your husbands lack of pulling his weight at home is pretty crap too.
You do need to try and address some of the inequalities in this relationship.

Why don't you have a rethink about your childcare responsibilities...

I don't really understand why anyone would agree to take responsibility 24/7 for the children - DH knows that the DC are 50% his responsibility when he is not at work.

Again with the cleaning - unless the children are at school all day (so you have lots of time to clean) not really sure why you'd agree to do all of that as well as looking after the children. If you can't afford a cleaner he should be doing his share at weekends/evenings.

Onto Christmas, a watch could be a good present if you needed one. Does he usually buy lots of thoughtful things? My DH is dreadful at buying any sort of present so would be happy to get something. What has he bought in previous years?

In terms of the possible affair - presumably he's denying it?

I just read your later post. He's not being fair at all. He said he wanted to be equal partners as he also wanted children. But he hasn't had to make any sacrifices at all whereas you have made lots.

Fair enough that you are looking after the children during the day, but think about what you'd expect a nanny to do if she was looking after them. She wouldn't do any cleaning (if 2 pre-school children to look after all day), or cook your dinner, she would cook their food and clean up after them.

DH is not perfect but he does look after the DC at the weekends (more than me) plus I always go to the gym on sunday morning. He also wouldn't expect me to cook or clean whilst looking after the baby. I start cooking once the kids are in bed, sometimes its make when he comes home, sometimes not. We have a cleaner, DH knows that if we couldn't afford one, he'd have to do his share.

Why is he away so much? Has he always been away this much?

I could be completely wrong of course but he could have said he bought himself a watch to cover up a present from his mistress!

I think YANBU to be annoyed with your DH but the bits I would be annoyed about would be "the face" when the house isn't clean, the fact he gets hobbytime, the fact that the longest lie in you get is 7am because he doesn't "do" meals (cereal in a bowl with some milk is not rocket science), and the fact you have no idea what he earns.

You need to decide what you want from your marriage, and let him know what you are not happy about. If he's not prepared to change (e.g. "do" meals, pay for a cleaner, give you a proper lie in, take the twins out so you can have "me time", tell you how much he earns and accept the fact that as you are the SAHM and he wanted this, then his earnings are for both of you) then you can decide if you would be better off without him.

Is he really working away all that time, or do you suspect he's not being honest?