well am i?

[rachelmummy]

DH and I have a traditional relationship - he works and I look after our children.

AS it's worked out, he works away alot and I stay at home with our twins.

I've been unhappy with things for a little while now - I am totally responsible for all childcare 24/7, 7 days a week. He gets to have his hobbies, I get to clean the house (or get the face, cos the house isn't clean)

I've been thinking he's been having an affair for about 6 months now (found some texts, which I questioned him about, but he's been super careful with his phone now and never brings his work PC home anymore) but can't prove anytthing...

SO, Christmas... I got him so small but thoughtful gifts. He got me a watch (a nice one, but he bought himself one too at the same time) and that was it. I mean... that was it. No card, no other present, at all.

AIBU to be a bit off about it?

I bought him some nice things, to do with his hobbies, and a few bit of clothes, but thoughtful.

He didn't think about me at all, did he?

Rachelsmummy, I feel for you, just because you are a SAHM, doens't mean it's ok to feel neglected. However, I think what people are trying to point out is that the watch actually sounds like a nice gift, even if he bought himself one too, that doesn't negate the gift (e.g. if my husband bought me a CD I would like, I would still be pleased even if he bought himself one).

BUT, this is not really about the gift, IMO, it's about the fact that you think he's gone off you and/or is having an affair and you are looking for 'proof' in gifts (which is the wrong place, he might well have bought you a more extravagant gift to cover up an affair!) I also agree that posting in Rel about the actual problems in the relationship is the best way forward.

I think that the posts about pretty shoes etc. were being tongue-in-cheek -- i.e. that that's why the "traditional" relationship has started to fall out of favour, because the SAHM often ends up giving up all her financial freedom, pretty much 24/7 of her time, and the WOHF gets to pursue his life pretty much as before while getting in a huff if the house isn't "up to scratch" and that as you are clearly not happy with the arrangement you have you should perhaps consider rethinking it. But it wasn't the most constructive or helpful (or unambiguous clearly) way to put it.

You are not happy with the balance in your relationship. You are not happy with the way you get to have no life outside the home. You think your husband is having an affair (and sounds as though you have good reason). You need to do something about all of those things. The watch is a red herring -- a fairly minor symptom of all the other things that you know are wrong. By itself it wouldn't have bothered you.

I think maybe I should have added how I got the watch.

it wasn't wrapped up or anything. I was with Dh when he wanted to look at a (new) watch for himself) and he just happened to see a (secondhand one) for me.

But, on Christmas day, there wasn't anything wrapped up under the tree for me.

Maybe that clarifies why I was upset. We have defined the rules, which always has consisted of a few little presents under the tree.

But, yes, I suppose I'm most upset because it's a real 'stake-in-the-ground' that it's 'his' money (not 'our' money) and, even if he buys something for himself, that's just 'life' but if he buys something for me, that's a 'gift' for which I must pay homage.

So, yes, it just feels like the 'rules' to which we agreed when we got married are only being upheld by me. I'm totally devoted to the kids, but he is still, (very much so) a single bloke for the majority of the time.

Thanks for the (nice) replies. I was expecting more sympathy, but I guess I chose the wrong forum. Will try relationships in future.

He's taking the piss and you know it.

The affair issue- you really need to sort this out. Do you think it is ongoing? Is it a dealbreaker for you? Have you confronted him on it? Could you spy on him?

The financial issue- if you dont think it's fair then you also need to sort this out. Do you have your own account? How much access to 'his' money do you have? Do you know all his/your incomings/outgoings?

The present issue- you dont feel valued, and I think you are reasonably justified in this. Do you think he still loves you? Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? Are you just staying for financial reasons?

You need to both sit down and discuss your realtionship IMO.

I think you deserve sympathy

The watch isn't the biggest deal, but it's not a very well-thought out present imo

The money he makes is BOTH OF YOURS. You shouldn't feel beholden to him. Presumably he likes you being at home as it is very convenient for him. He should appreciate you more.

Re the affair - have you any other clues? Huge protectiveness over the phone is a big one. What did the texts say?

op - you must be very disappointed and sad. I don't know what to say other than you need to tell him how its all making you feel and what changes can be made to make it a happier, more fulfilling and fairer relationship for you.

FWIW, my DH is shite at presents and only ever buys anything at Christmas and birthdays that I ask specifically for. He would rather buy nothing. This isn't because we don't have a good relationship or because I am a SAHM, but because he is shite at presents. As you say, I think its a stake in the ground indicator of wider issues in your partnership.

So when he is at work you take care of kids and house - fair enough

But when he isn't at work it should be 50:50 child and housecare

Completely. Otherwise you're his slave. When do you get time to have hobbies, or lie-ins, or time to rest?

Thankyou. I need some kind words.

When we married, it was agreed that I would stay with the children (twins, as it turns out, which was not planned obviosly) and he would be breadwinner.
We would be equal partners in our relationship as he wanted children as much as i did.

Now, I have no clue what he earns, what he spends or how or where he spends it, yet I have to account for everything I spend.

Childcare / housework is my business. Time off from 'his' work is his spare time for hobbies / friends, but I'm only expected to see friends / have hobbies when EVERYTHING in the house is done (which it never is) so I don't have hobbies or time off.

I sometimes get lie ins until 7am (assuming the twins get up earlier, they often do and when he's not working he will get up with them) but I have to do breakfast for them, as he doesn't do meals.

Right now, I have no hobbies or free time for anything. He is not here most of the time, around 1 weekend for every fortnight.

op - thats not fair. simple as.

You need to rewrite the rules. He needs a short sharp shock, IMO. I'd go and stay elsewhere for a night or two the next weekend he's around. A single friend, your mum's.

Write down everything you do when he's NOT at work. Then agree how you can share it. If he isn't prepared to share it, agree a budget for outsourcing half of it.

rachel - he is taking the piss - I was a SAHM for a long time and normal men do not act like this

you need to talk to him I think

Rachel Mummy

You poor thing. This sounds Dickensian. I think you are right to be pissed off with the lack of thought of presents - you and the children should be the most important things in his life and therefore deserve some time and respect given to present giving. He should at least had bought you a present from the 'children' to their mummy. It does sound as if he is very much taking you for granted. So what to do?
I think he needs some home truths pointing out in foot high capital letters:

1. You are not a slattern. You run the house well and therefore are entitled to time off and jobs don't have to be 'finished' The person who decides that is you.
2. Saturday night is boys cooking night. He does it. If he doesn't cook there is no food. Buy him a cookery book. If it is sandwiches so be it. You go out from around 4.00 pm on a Saturday and STAY OUT until 6.00.
3. If you separated you would be better off because he would have to have the children for every other weekend and have to look after them. Get quotes from cleaning and ironing services. Give him a bill.

1. I think you need to get a part time job - only a small one - even voluntary work - perhaps on a Saturday. This will get you meeting other people and mean he has to do a bit more around the house. If he objects then this is very unreasonable and Ithink you need to think about your future seriously with him. It's a real shame but look on the bright side - he might be fine with it.

1. Depending on what they are like - enlist the support of your MIL to also do some kicking.

He needs a bloody good kick. Clearly you have adopted a passive role as his mother and from the sound of it your mother have done. This cannot continue as he has no respect for you. You need to become the person that he fell in love with - I assume someone who had bags of personality.

He might not realise that there is anything wrong so perhaps needs a very big, very loud, toys out of the pram reality check.

Best wishes

AS a sahm mum, I would not be happy in your situation.

DH works the money comesin the bills get paid then we each take a (very) small amount as spending money. I am not belholden to my dh for things, and he doesn't consult me on everything he wants but which i would at!

Likewise we share childcare cooking and even if things are bad cleaning dh acknowledges that children are 24/7..

You need need to talk and possibly through a mediated source like relate, your problems are much bigger than a watch

(oh and my dh didn't do too good on the present front this year but he did try, it was all carefully wrapped and under the tree ( so he's not prefect.. but he is quite good!)

Having full access to the family funds and knowing exactly what is going in and out is absolutely essential.

That's just ridiculous. He doesn't do meals? How did he cope before you got married then?

I love the way some men claim they look after their kids, but don't prepare any of their meals/change nappies/wash their clothes/get them dressed. Anyone can entertain toddlers for a few hours, looking after them is a different matter.

I am a SAHM- H is the 'breadwinner' but I spend whatever I want (to a degree obviously ). He's never questioned any of my purchases and cooks and tidies every weekend.

If your husband doesn't realise your 'partnership' is one-sided, he's being disingenuous.

seriously- why are you still with him?

is this going to be another of those threads where it eventually comes out that there is a certain level of abuse going on?

You have big problems ion your marriage and you know it. What happened at Christmas is just an indicator of how he regards you.
I am a SAHM. My husband works and we both regard the money he earns as our money. It goes into a joint account to which we both have access. I do the budget and tell hime how much we have to spend and we agree how it si split depending on what is happening that week. Some weeks I may need more to get kids clothes/ my hair done/ meal out with the girls whatever and some weeks it is him that is going out or needs extra.
By the same token we regard his time off (weekends, holidays etc) as my holidays too. So we split everything that needs to be done, and he quite often does more than his fair share giving me lie ons, doing house work that isn't actually essential just so its one less thing for me to do during the week.
Your relationship is very imbalanced and it is dangerous to allow this to happen. You sound very unhappy. You must tackle the actual problems though and not be distracted by the small issues like the Christmas present as he will just dismiss that. Your relationship needs a massive shake up because it is obviously not working for you like this. You need to let him know how unhappy you are and have a serious talk about reintroducing balance in the marriage.

OP, I think many dh's are like this. My sis had to tell her dh what she wanted. Me, likewise. And there were no extra small surprises, not a choc or anything. Though my dh did write me a lovely card .

Can't believe he bought himself a watch at the same time though .

Being a SAHM does not mean you have given up all rights to a thoughtful present FFS. It's not about money, as you pointed out already, just that a bit more thought would have made you feel special.

Oh yes, I was gonna say that it's shocking that he doesn't do his bit at the weekend. I have twins too! Dh does breakfast every day and he gets up on Saturdays so I can have a lie-in. He actually admits that going to work is a rest! So he's happy to give me a rest. I think your dh is being a lot more unreasonable about the weekends, not to mention hiding phone/ laptop from you, than the xmas present. If he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't hide it. I think it's time for a proper chat.

I think you have had a hard time here - you obviously know/feel things are not right. If you think something is going on, you must try and find out or you will go crazy! Not sure how you need to do this or what to suggest, but if he is playing away, he needs to be confronted (if that is what you want to do) and you need evidence. All I can think of is radical measures like hire a private detective!

I really hope you get some kind of answers and start to feel you are getting the love and respect you deserve

OP. I'm sorry you had some unkind responses - it sounds like you are having a painful and difficult time. From what you say, you are not being treated with respect or kindness by your partner and you know this. I can understand why the watch issue matters - as you say, he sees things he buys himself as a gift when they are given to you, because the money isn't yours.

The most important thing when you have relationship problems is to try and trust your instinct. You say you suspected him of having an affair - why do you want to stay with someone who you believe could do that to you? I'm not saying that an affair is always the end, but you have to accept that if you think that and mistrust him to that extent there is somethign seriously wrong between the two of you.

Have you considered counselling? That might help you work out whether you want to stay with him. I think you know that the way you are being treated isn't right - it's up to you to decide that, and being a SAHM does absolutely not mean you have to do everything.

I suspect from what you write, that it's not just about that, it's about a lack of love and respect from him.

It might seem hard to consider leaving him, but here on the internet we can suggest things perhaps your friends won't! If he isn't going to make you happy, you are better off without him. Your children and you could move on - and it's important they have a good role model in you - a woman who respects herself, so they know what to expect themselves in relationships.

There are lots of good men out there - if you don't get the love you want, go and find one. As a first step, decide how you WOULD like to be treated - as a partner, with support - and let him know - with sanctions of kicking him out if he doesn't follow through.

I think your second long post makes the situation much clearer than your op.

This sounds like a really unhappy situation for you. Can you talk to him/renegotiate? Relate. Start doing things for you. I would be unhappy in that situation too.

OP, am amzed at the lack of interest your DH put into your present.
My DH gave me a very expensive winter coat
A CD by my fave band
A book obout my fave celebrity
My fave perfume
A new DS game
A keyring photo frame that he had downloaded DCs photos onto

And we are in process of separating!
Your DH is treating you like a slave expecting you to clean, cook, look after DCs etc. You need to sit him down and tell him that things have to change. He is not being an equal participant in this marriage.