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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is passive aggressive?

63 replies

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 21:50

Ok really sorry if this is long but I am so angry! Last week we sent out Xmas cards to family, and my husband rang his mum to ask for a couple of addresses where relatives have moved, we also obviously sent a card to her! Today He gets a text from her saying "have you given up sending Xmas cards I never received one". She knows we were doing cards, and she is in Scotland where post has probably been delayed because of the weather.
Background is probably that she is spending Xmas with BIL and expected us ( without actually inviting us) to travel to his flat ( over an hours drive) with 2 ds's and dog to spend boxing day there. We have done this before and the ds's have gong on an amusement park and we went out for pizza, all v nice but this year the dog is new and clearly can't go in the park or cafe. We invited her to us ( and bIL has only visited us once in 7 years, he is single we have visited him lots), and apparently it is too difficult for them, and I got an email although her conversations were with dh, saying the dog would have loved it! ( loved what exactly? The car?). Anyway dh says ihbu to tell her exactly what he thinks ie she is a cow! Thanks for reading sorry so long!

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 23/12/2010 21:56

or perhaps she is just a bit lonely and wants to see her son. sorry but YABU.

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 21:59

She is coming for new year!

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nightmarebeforechristmas · 23/12/2010 22:00

yabu
you sound a bit passive aggresive

mouldycheese · 23/12/2010 22:01

What? Why is the OP passive agressive? Confused

MorticiaAddams · 23/12/2010 22:04

YABU. You say "Background is probably" - in other words it is all in your head and you are making a big deal out of a simple text.

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:06

But she knew we had written and sent cards so why imply we hadn't? Dh is really upset!

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MorticiaAddams · 23/12/2010 22:09

Just send a text back reminding her of your conversation last week and say it's probably in the postal backlog.

animula · 23/12/2010 22:09

Go for it - tell her her son thinks she's a cow!!

you deserve it. It's Christmas. Treat yourself.

And then sit back, wait 20 years, and be surprised when your daughter in law completely pisses all over your Christmas, and your feelings of vulnerability about your relationship with your son.

Enjoy.

Firawla · 23/12/2010 22:09

i think you may be overreacting a bit here OP! a fuss about nothing maybe? perhaps she is just disappointed her card didn't get there, a simple text back "must be delayed in the post with the snow, hopefully it will be with you soon" = sorted
as for boxing day just explain to them

Slur · 23/12/2010 22:10

I don't know about unreasonable but you do sound unhinged.

Besom · 23/12/2010 22:12

There must be a lot more to this, surely?

FakePlasticTrees · 23/12/2010 22:13

Sent a text - "Yes - we sent yours when we called you last week for X & Y's addresses. Guess it's stuck in the post backlog." Then re boxing day, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us to go to BILs, you're all welcome to us, if you don't want to come, we'll see you at New Year."

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:13

I don't want to tell her she is a cow - dh does! The Xmas card text was to him, not me- my last test to her was v friendly. Is dh upset and angry, and I am because he is iyswim.

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talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:14

Yes fake trees that is exactly what I have done! But dh is distraught!

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WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 22:14

I'm never sure what passive-aggressive is TBH so can't really comment on that, but I think you're being given a bit of a hard time here OP.

Your MIL is blaming you for not sending her a card, when it's been all over the news that deliveries are being hit by the weather. Plain old-fashioned whiny IMO.

You haven't been expressly invited to BIL's, just expected to turn up. And yes, I think it would be easier for MIL and BIL to travel to you rather than you pack up DCs and dog. BIL definitely owes you a visit.

Anyway dh says ihbu to tell her exactly what he thinks ie she is a cow!
No idea what that all means.

MsKLo · 23/12/2010 22:16

You are being treated unfairly on here and there is no need to posters to come out with statements like the OP is unhinged... Honestly, where is the constructive posting?

You have a family, sounds reasonable for them
To come to you

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:18

Whereyouleftit that is just how dh feels thank you. I meant is he being unreasonable to call her on the text and potentially have a big row?

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MorticiaAddams · 23/12/2010 22:19

Why is he distraught? I really don't see what the big deal is.

Is he always like this? If Gomez was distraught over something like that I would honestly be wondering what the real problem was and whether he was heading for a breakdown.

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:19

Thank you msklo, it probably did read a bit unhinged because I was angry and trying to be brief! I do have most of my marbles ;-)

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WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 22:20

Oh right got it now - IHBU = is he being unreasonable. Well, if he wants to say that to his mother, that's up to him. Guaranteed to spice up Christmas a mite too much though, don't you think? He's upset by her behaviour towards you both, perhaps he should wait to cool down and then be stern with her rather than aggressive?

animula · 23/12/2010 22:20

Oh, I see. Sorry.

Yes, I think he is (BU, that is) if that is all there is to it. But I guess he will get away with it if he goes ahead.

He shouldn't do it, though.

Either 'phone or text and point out that the card is making its way to Scotland by huskie - it's out of your hands.

I'm guessing it's all about the visit thing, though. You probably should visit with the dc sometime around Christmas, and it's probably easier when she's with Bil than when she's in Scotland. Sadly, as the younger generation, the onus probably is on you to do the schlepping.

As you drive over, mutter to your dc "Look and learn, dc. Children visit their parents at Christmas. And are glad to do so."

She probably can't really invite you to Bil's. Technically, that's Bil's call. But perhaps he's a bit flakey.

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:21

I suppose he feels BIL is being favoured and that is very hard for him for lots of reasons. He feels ' got at' if that makes sense.

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Booandpops · 23/12/2010 22:21

Using the dog as an excuse is irritating beyond belief it's a dog!! Sorry uabu

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:22

I have got his phone so he can't reply till he is calm tomorrow!

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talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:23

Well it is a puppy so we couldn't leave it all day, I am a bit sad they don't want to come to us.

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