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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is passive aggressive?

63 replies

talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 21:50

Ok really sorry if this is long but I am so angry! Last week we sent out Xmas cards to family, and my husband rang his mum to ask for a couple of addresses where relatives have moved, we also obviously sent a card to her! Today He gets a text from her saying "have you given up sending Xmas cards I never received one". She knows we were doing cards, and she is in Scotland where post has probably been delayed because of the weather.
Background is probably that she is spending Xmas with BIL and expected us ( without actually inviting us) to travel to his flat ( over an hours drive) with 2 ds's and dog to spend boxing day there. We have done this before and the ds's have gong on an amusement park and we went out for pizza, all v nice but this year the dog is new and clearly can't go in the park or cafe. We invited her to us ( and bIL has only visited us once in 7 years, he is single we have visited him lots), and apparently it is too difficult for them, and I got an email although her conversations were with dh, saying the dog would have loved it! ( loved what exactly? The car?). Anyway dh says ihbu to tell her exactly what he thinks ie she is a cow! Thanks for reading sorry so long!

OP posts:
animula · 23/12/2010 22:24

But isn't she staying with Bil because she doesn't want to impose on you over Christmas?

claig · 23/12/2010 22:25

He is being unreasonable. It is not such a big deal. She probably is being a bit passive aggressive because she wants you to feel guilty for not going there. But that is normal stuff, it happens all the time. It would have been better if she had come to you, but it may be the BIL who didn't want to. That happens all the time as well. All in all, it is no big deal, nothing to fall out over.

MorticiaAddams · 23/12/2010 22:25

So now it sounds as though there is a long history of this sort of behaviour favouring your bil and this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Sending a nasty text won't do him any good. If he really feels that it needs sorting out then it should be done calmly and in an adult manner.

How about for now he writes a long letter to her and get it all out of his system but obviously not send it. It might help.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 22:25

What about a pre-emptive strike? You've not been invited to BIL's, could you behave as if there's no expectation that you'd turn up anyway and issue an invite to BIL & MIL? Perhaps contacting BIL rather than MIL?

And if he counters with "I was expecting you to come here", point out he hasn't actually invited you and you asked first. And you'd love to have hime over, he so rarely visits, blah, blah, blah.

animula · 23/12/2010 22:26

(Btw - I initially read your post as saying you wanted to 'phone your mil and tell her her son through she was a cow, that your dh was suggesting you were unreasonable in wanting that, and you were asking us to decide who was right .... Oops.)

Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:27

No we always invite her and bil but she prefers to go to him ( have had them here once, and one year we checked with her before and then had all my family, ), we also invited her to watch ds in a panto, try very hard to include her despite distance, often pay for her to fly down ( cheaper than 4 flights up) and have taken ds's up on train when couldn't afford flights.

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Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:28

Sorry animal, I wasn't very clear!

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Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:29

Animula, not animal, sorry stupid auto correct!

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claig · 23/12/2010 22:30

The MIL is in a difficult position. She is probably favouring BIL because he would probably be alone. That is understandable, DH should understand that. It's a shame that BIL didn't come to you, but families are awkward like that. Doesn't matter. I bet MIL would have preferred to come to you, but possibly BIL preferred to stay at his home. She is coming for New Year, so all is well that ends well.

TheSecondComing · 23/12/2010 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:32

Sorry thesecondcoming, I don't quite see that? We invited them to us, having got a dog I can't be cruel to it? Should I try and get someone else to watch the dog? ( not being sarky just really not sure of etiquette!)

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secondbest · 23/12/2010 22:33

Thesecondcoming, I know you have issues with your MIL and her dog but you don't need to project them here.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 22:34

Well, bit of a hard one then. If she wants to dig in her heels and insist you all drive to BILs, I'd just dig my heels in right back and not drive. I'd probably flower it up with not wanting to drive an hour plus with a bouncy puppy, DCs get bored in car - could the car be playing up recently and you don't want to risk being stranded?

If she's coming to you for New Year then you're not depriving her of anything. If she really wanted to she would come with BIL. It is a bit unusual, preferring your single DS over your DGC. Meh.

What's your BIL's contribution to all this - does he feel the need to invite her to his or is he just unwilling to travel? Is he even aware of all this circus between your DH and MIL?

animula · 23/12/2010 22:35

Tee hee. You were clear, I read fast and missed the "h" in ihbu.

Right - I reckon you need to go and have a bath. The one good thing about in-laws is that they"belong" to your partner. Take a deep breath, and remember that. It is not your responsibility to sort this out. though you are, of course, very nice for trying.

The other thing is that with stuff like this, you can try the "blunt to the point of stupid" approach. ie. Just 'phone her up, and ask her, very bluntly, what she want. Just do the assertive thing of "not hearing" any wibbly wobbly stuff from her or Bil. Just think of yourself as, ooh, a transparent triangle, that doesn't get the weird, scribbly people of this world, and pin her (and dh) down on specifics.

And spend 5 mnutes working out what your optimum resolution of this particular situation (the visit) would be. Chances are, if everyone else is throwing loads of deep emotional stuff into it, they're so busy concentrating on that, they no longer know what they want, so they'll do what you want instead. If you tell them.

Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:37

No idea what bil thinks- he is bright pleasant chap, probably finds our family life a bit alien ( is confirmed bachelor!) and always seems happy to have his mum for Xmas, as I said has only visited us once in 7 years despite invitations.

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claig · 23/12/2010 22:40

He has come once in 7 years, it's most likely him that didn't want to break his routine and come, which is why MIL went to stay with him.

Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:40

Animula, you are fab and I think that is excellent advice! At the moment dh's preferred solution is to never see her again, but there is history! I will most definitely be a triangle.

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redhappy · 23/12/2010 22:42

I think it's very difficult to interpret tone of voice in a text though!

In my head I could hear a slightly jokey 'have you given up then?' meaning 'wow, look at all that weather, bit pointless trying to send cards now isn't it. It would have annoyed me a bit if it was my mil, just because she has too much time on her hands to think about whether or not she's going to get an xmas card, then question me over it when I would struggle to even get to the post office so much going on.

Any chance that might be what's happened here?

Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:43

Claig, yes had assumed mil was preferring bil but maybe he is pressuring her to spend Xmas there? But why the snarky text then?

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WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 22:43

Could you contact BIL and say the travelling would be a bit much this year, could they come to you? And if they don't come, they don't come.

raspberryroo · 23/12/2010 22:44

Dh is really upset! - havent't read past this as had too much Baileyes.

DH needs to get out more

Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:45

Yes maybe red- I might have thought that if text had come to me, though it does seem a bit pointed. Shall I tell dh to let it go?

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claig · 23/12/2010 22:48

MIL wants entire family at his place. Wants to see you all and grandchildren. You told her difficult because of dog, so she texted to say dog would love it. Wants you to change your mind and still come so you can all be together. Applying a little bit of pressure and blackmail, all very usual stuff. No ill will, just wants to see all of family together. No big deal. DH overreacting, needs to chill.

Original poster
talkingnonsense · 23/12/2010 22:48

Raspberry, there is history! It was a bit last straw. But red may be right, I am trying not to go all evil mil, but it is getting harder and harder,(eg on her last visit her first words were " oh dil you have lost weight" fab I thought ( although I hadn't) " yes your bust has disappeared! , she continued!). My sense of humour may just be missing tonight though!

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glastocat · 23/12/2010 22:49

Baileyes! V. funny. Grin