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Original poster

To think it can't ALL be me?

71 replies

anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 10:21

Anniversary today. Got card for H etc. H didn't, was out pissed up last night and stayed at friends. I was upset but didn't really say anything, just less than enthusiastic when he rang this morning, his response "well I was just on my way to get you a lovely present and card, not going to fucking bother now" and I know he won't.

This happens a lot. "I was just going to.......whatever, but if you are going to be like that about it then I won't bother".

"I wasn't going to go out for a drink when you have flu, but if you are going to be so fucking miserable then I will" and off he goes. An extension of this can be me asking him what his plans are "nothing", then an hour later "well think I will go out seeing as YOU suggested it".

And my favourite, if I am ever sad or cross about anything, believe me I am NOT a moody person and he admits that himself, he will just say "I am not buying into it, if you pander to people in a mood it makes them worse".

So basically, he gets to do nothing nice or thoughtful for me and actually it is all my own fault because I looked, spoke, had the wrong expression etc and so on.

God I feel tired, full of flu and so sad and pissed off today. I hate him.

OP posts:
PaxoIsEvil · 20/12/2010 10:29

He sounds extremely manipulative and unpleasant. Why are you married to him? What does he contribute to your relationship?

MsKLo · 20/12/2010 10:30

He sounds like he is manipulating you

Really sorry to hear you are feeling so down, you have every right to feel angry and manipulated

anonacfr · 20/12/2010 10:30

What a prick. Get yourself a nice take-away and spend the night in bed/watching DVDs.

If he's not going to pander to your 'moods' do the same with him.

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 10:31

Is it manipulative? I never thought of it like that, just him being a bit selfish.

What does he contribute? He works hard and can be very generous. Thats about it.

OP posts:
muddleduck · 20/12/2010 10:31

He sounds like a lazy selfish arse.

ItsKurriiiistmas · 20/12/2010 10:32

A decent person doesn't cancel doing the decent thing because of someone else's behaviour, so even if you were being unreasonable he has no excuse.

But of course, you are not, the way you behave is nothing to do with it he is behaving badly and trying to worm out of it by blaming you, - 'everything is someone else's fault' mentality.

He hasn't got the guts to face up to the fact that he makes no effort to be caring, and won't communicate.
Sorry - but he sounds horrible Sad

muddleduck · 20/12/2010 10:32

Does he actually like you?

Do you actually like him?

superv1xen · 20/12/2010 10:33

he sounds really horrible :(

PaxoIsEvil · 20/12/2010 10:33

Very manipulative. He is turning every issue you have with his behaviour back on you. That is a deeply unpleasant character trait.

littleshinyone · 20/12/2010 10:35

based on your post, I think he sounds like a creepy horrid destructive person.

I'm sorry you have him around you. It's sad that people are like this...

GiddyPickle · 20/12/2010 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 10:39

Yes, I do doubt myself about everything, find myself defending or justifying my every action towards him. Quite often excusing it or reducing it to myself because I should have been less irritated, sulked less and so on.

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 20/12/2010 10:45

So because you were "less than enthusiastic" on the phone he "punished" you by not getting you an anniversary present? You didn't even say you were upset and he still got angry? I have to agree with littleshinyone, he sounds quite creepy and horrid. That sort of behaviour (you did this so I'm going to do this) would be inappropriate and embarrassing out of a ten year old never mind a grown man.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2010 10:49

what a deeply unpleasant man he sounds

no amount of "generosity" could atone for that lack of generosity of spirit

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 20/12/2010 10:53

"UNCONDITIONAL LOVE" means that even IF someone is being unreasonably moody, and its not YOUR FAULT (which in his case, it was his fault), you STILL get them a card or gift and mark your anniversary - a celebration of your "deeper-than-this-tiff" love for each other and long term commitment to each other.

he sounds very selfish, immature and has no real respect for you or your feelings. I feel sorry for you OP. If he treats you like this on your anniversary when you are ill, god help you!

CoronaAndLime · 20/12/2010 10:54

Is he a drinker?

Could be that he is just looking for an excuse to go and get pissed.

He is being really nasty Sad

LisasCat · 20/12/2010 11:01

My DP does this very, very rarely (turns it round as being my fault because I have the audacity to be pissed off with him for something he's done), but I seriously chew him out when he does that, we give each other the silent treatment for half a day and then it's all lovely. It's unacceptable behaviour, he knows it is, and as someone else has said, it's absolutely because he feels guilty for what he did in the first place, but can't admit that. I only let him get away with it because it is so rare, and he is such a sweetheart most of the time. But if became the norm,well, let's just say I'd be re-laying my patio pretty soon.

Your H sounds like he needs telling/an ultimatum. Write down precise examples of incidents, so that when you eventually get the guts to throw it back in his face and tell him to shape up or ship out, you can remind him of how often he does it, and what a boringly repetitive habit it is. Otherwise, it's one of those faults that can sound a bit woolly when you confront the culprit.

QuietTiger · 20/12/2010 12:19

He sounds an utter prick to be honest. His behaviour is nasty and childish and TBH, he is very unpleasant and cruel to be so dismissive of how you are feeling.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 20/12/2010 12:22

He's a selfish inconsiderate wanker who is managing to get his own way and do exactly what the fuck he likes by turning everything back onto you and you letting him - because he's conditioned you into believing that you must in some way be to blame.

What exactly does he do that is so generous to/for you?

BettyCash · 20/12/2010 12:38

I'm with LisasCat. Sit him down and (suggest) that he might be (acting like) a prick.

chitchatinsantasear · 20/12/2010 12:42

Go and find his card, and shred it, leaving the little bits in his sock drawer. Then go and find his present and take it back or give it away/sell it on ebay. Then tell him that because he was being such an ARSE you decided to take his present back. See if he likes a taste of his own medicine!!!!

xstitchsnowscene · 20/12/2010 12:44

Definitely manipulative if you are constantly justifying yourself. My XH had me like this to such an extent I still do it without realising it until someone asks why I am justifying myself.

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 14:10

Thank for all your replies. Got a text from him offering to take me out for lunch with dc for anniversary as he would not be able to do anything tonight as it is his works Christmas Party, apparently though I can "have the day off tommorrow" and he will have dc. I have flu, was sick all last night and today have had to do shopping and other stuff that needs doing for Christmas.

I think I am done with this. I have chucked his card in the bin.

As for generosity he is generous in that will give me cash when he gets paid his bonus, however totally ungenerous with time, really miserable about doing any preparation for Christmas "Christmas is for kids" and so on.

HOnestly I feel like I could scream with rage when he does the turning things around thing on me, yet it still has the desired effect because I am still now turning it all over in my mind.

I just feel sad because he just does not give a shit but then I suppose that is all my fault too.

OP posts:
Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 14:12

Sitting down with him and telling him how I felt wouldn't make any difference, he either would not listen, be pissing around on the lap top or watching tv or it would end up in a row with him playing his trump card of "well you want to split up anyway so why do you expect me to behave like a partner towards you", this because I have said that if things carry on the way they are I don't want to stay together, even that gets twisted and becomes the reason he is like he is. AAAAAAGHHHHH! it drives me crazy.

OP posts:
JaneS · 20/12/2010 14:14

It isn't your fault!

What else could you have done? You have flu, woman, you're ill!

I find it very odd he won't prepare for Christmas on the grounds that 'Christmas is for kids'. The kids are his responsibility too! Doesn't he care about them having nice food and a nice atmosphere?!

Can you possibly take yourself to bed (with kids, and DVD?) and leave him to sort the shopping?