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Original poster

To think it can't ALL be me?

71 replies

anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 10:21

Anniversary today. Got card for H etc. H didn't, was out pissed up last night and stayed at friends. I was upset but didn't really say anything, just less than enthusiastic when he rang this morning, his response "well I was just on my way to get you a lovely present and card, not going to fucking bother now" and I know he won't.

This happens a lot. "I was just going to.......whatever, but if you are going to be like that about it then I won't bother".

"I wasn't going to go out for a drink when you have flu, but if you are going to be so fucking miserable then I will" and off he goes. An extension of this can be me asking him what his plans are "nothing", then an hour later "well think I will go out seeing as YOU suggested it".

And my favourite, if I am ever sad or cross about anything, believe me I am NOT a moody person and he admits that himself, he will just say "I am not buying into it, if you pander to people in a mood it makes them worse".

So basically, he gets to do nothing nice or thoughtful for me and actually it is all my own fault because I looked, spoke, had the wrong expression etc and so on.

God I feel tired, full of flu and so sad and pissed off today. I hate him.

OP posts:
PaxoIsEvil · 20/12/2010 14:17

He is basically telling you that he has no intention of changing his behaviour, so stop trying. When push comes to shove, do you want to put up with this unequal relationship? Only you can decide.

JaneS · 20/12/2010 14:17

Cross-posted with your second part.

Look, I know MN has a reputation for having a brigade of people crying 'leave him' as a response to every relationship problem, but you honestly sound almost as if you are asking us to call time for you. We can't do that. And he's clearly avoiding you when you say it to him. That's nasty behaviour, imo. But it also sounds as if he's waiting for you to push things to a conclusion, secure in the knowledge that you probably won't, because you've not yet had the conversation you want to have with him.

If it's like that, then I've been there. You won't get the conversation when he realizes he's being a prick and tells you he was wrong. You probably won't get him changing his behaviour (why would he - he has no incentive as you're right where he wants you). So you need to decide for you whether or not this is worth it or not.

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 14:25

It is not worth it. His dad is the same with his mum and I don't want to be here in thirty years time trying to make him care about me. I have tried to break up and I always get the promises to change then a few days of niceness then right back, he says he would do anything to make it work at those times and seems to mean it. I don't get it, if he cares so little why doesn't he just let me end it?

OP posts:
HavingAnOffDAy · 20/12/2010 14:41

OMG, this could have been my OP. My DH acts exactly like this. He doesn't go out that much but will always find a 'reason' not to get me a special gift at birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc.

If I mention something in the run up I don't get anything for 'nagging'. If I don't mention it I get a call on the day asking what I want as 'he knows I'll moan if I don't get anything'.

All I ever ask is for is for something he & my DD have chosen together, that they know I'll like. Nothing expensive, even a new lip gloss or nail polish would show a bit of thought.

He's stormed out to work now in a strop as I answered a question that he wanted a yes/no answer to with something different & was told to stop f'ing going on.

If I give yes/no answers I'm sulking.

TattyDevine · 20/12/2010 14:48

You cant go on like this ladies (OP and Having an Off Day)

It might not be the right time at this exact moment, but I would start planning your escape if I were you, like Jane from Eastenders (!)

Life is too short to be married to these pricks, and they sound like absolute rotters. Better off alone.

pawsnclaws · 20/12/2010 14:50

No advice, just utter sympathy that people have to spend their lives dealing with such utter ... well I was going to say children, but even my 8 year old ds wouldn't be so utterly selfish. Seriously, I don't know how you can cope with such spoiled behaviour.

Callisto · 20/12/2010 14:56

Wow, OP and Havinganoffday, why oh why are you with these men? They sound utterly poisonous. Can I just point out that the role models that you are currently showing your children with both of your behaviour types (the man = the bastard who treats women like shit; the woman = the victim who expects to be treated like shit) will be how your children grow up treating women/expecting to be treated by men depending on gender. Are you really happy with that scenario? You have a responsibility to your children not be treated like this imo. I'm in the 'leave him' camp, but as usual, I'm also in the 'what the fuck are you doing with him in the first place' camp.

HavingAnOffDAy · 20/12/2010 14:56

I know, and I would say the same thing to ANYONE I spoke to in my position.

I need to pull myself together & think about getting out. Am 7 monts pg at the moment which makes it a bit harder, but I know I cannot carry on like this, especially for my DC's.

JaneS · 20/12/2010 15:07

As I understand it, that sort of 'not letting me end it' behaviour is very common. It's horrible.

My ex was like this - he wouldn't accept it when I said I wanted to split up, and said I needed to give him a chance to change, and wasn't being fair by not letting him change. This is pretty typical.

But you have given him chances. You've tried to talk to him, and nothing he's done has made any difference. Are you going to carry on waiting for him to decide it's ok for you to split up?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2010 15:07

I don't get it, if he cares so little why doesn't he just let me end it?

beause he has a convenient housekeeper, laundress, childminder and occasional shag in you

why should he, in his eyes, give up his cosy family set-up when it is quite clear he gets all the benefits and you get all the crap, and manipulated and belittled to boot

these blokes are like pigs in shit...they won't get out until you force the issue

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/12/2010 15:19

What AF said.

JaneS · 20/12/2010 15:19

Exactly, AF.

Besides which, he has a permanently-available get-out clause: as the OP says, he'll say he needn't treat her like a partner because after all, she's suggested splitting up. That excuse happily extends in any number of directions right up to: 'Yes, I'm leaving you - but that's what you wanted, isn't it?'

JamieLeeCurtis · 20/12/2010 15:23

"I wasn't going to go out for a drink when you have flu, but if you are going to be so fucking miserable then I will" and off he goes".

Total manipulation

He wants to do something he KNOWs is unreasonable. He does something to upset you, and them uses that upset to justify doing the thing he wanted to do all along. Job Done.

And he defines caring about someone's emotions as "pandering". He sounds like a total piece of work

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 16:15

Well I tell you what this thread hasn't half given me some clarity, feeling an icy resolve right now to get out of this and I don't think I will be too sad to go.

"the permanently available get out clause" what an accurate summing up.

HAOD mine started this kind of thing late in my first pregnancy and never stopped. Is this how it has happened with you, like they know they have you now and completely let you see the real them.

OP posts:
HavingAnOffDAy · 20/12/2010 16:21

Another - I can't really remember when it 'started' as such...he used to use my weight/size against me (I'm 5'4'' & a size 14 when not pg) and because I let that ride to far too long he now just thinks he can get away with anything.

I think he does see that he 'has' me now due to the DC.

If I get upset by the things he say I'm a 'victim', if I argue back I'm accused of being aggressive.

It leaves me feeling very frustrated & I'm horrified that I put up with it.

If things go wrong for him he can usually find a way to blame me for it too.

PaxoIsEvil · 20/12/2010 16:21

I hope you find a way to be happy, crappy

PaxoIsEvil · 20/12/2010 16:24

Basically, these men think they are more intelligent than you. During an argument, they are enjoying tying you up in knots. It's a sport to them. Then they get to feel all superior, safe in the knowledge that women are lovely for some things, but are basically a bit thick. They are arrogant, egotistical fuckwits. And do you know something? Most men aren't like this. In fact, the vast majority aren't. You both deserve to be with men who treat you with respect.

HavingAnOffDAy · 20/12/2010 16:32

Paxo, you are right about the arguments. He ties me in knots to the point I can't remember who said what.

If I then misquote him (when he's asked me to repeat what he's said) he calls me a liar.

He also asks questions phrased in such a way that I can't give the 'right' answer. It's always either a or b, both of which make me look like an idiot.

You are also right that Paxo is evil Xmas Grin

MrsNonSmoker · 20/12/2010 16:48

oh dear, I recognise my DH in here as well, particularly what HavingAnOffDay said ...Blush Sad

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 17:06

Oh HAOD practically every word you write describes my H. It uncanny.

No matter what we are arguing about he finds away to take it off point and to get me to "admit" to something that is either totally irrelevant or does in fact confirm that the whole situation is my fault. Either way I come out looking like a real twat one way or another.

I do win sometimes but not as often as him.

OP posts:
Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 17:07

Also there is NOTHING he won't say in argument, he goes from 0 to nuclear in a few seconds. Leaving you breathless with pain from the things he says or desperately trying to defend myself against a torrent of accusation and judgement.

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 20/12/2010 17:11

You do know that he doesn't have to let you end it, don't you?

You don't need his permission or agreement.

He sounds dreadful. Really manipulative. Twisting everything to make it all your fault.

Re taking it off point - don't let him.

"That's not what we are talking about. what we are talking about is..."

"That's not relevent to the conversation."

"I know what you are doing, you are trying to change the subject so that you can twist something against me and remove attention from what we are actually discussing."

"I'm not going to 'admit' to something irrelevent so that you can use it as a stick to beat me with rather than discuss what actually matters."

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2010 17:13

you ladies are not twats

so your abusive partners are better at the verbal gymnastics than you are ?

so fucking what

that is because they have been practicing on you for years...what big men they are, eh ?

and you are decent people who don't take any smug satisfaction in hurting people and bashing their self-esteem

stop engaging with them...it feeds the abuse

just walk away, while all the while you plot your escape

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 17:14

Good responses there. I do try but get a knowing smile and nod as though he has already "got me" and I just don't want to admit it.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2010 17:14

I fucking hate people like these men described here