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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it can't ALL be me?

71 replies

anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 10:21

Anniversary today. Got card for H etc. H didn't, was out pissed up last night and stayed at friends. I was upset but didn't really say anything, just less than enthusiastic when he rang this morning, his response "well I was just on my way to get you a lovely present and card, not going to fucking bother now" and I know he won't.

This happens a lot. "I was just going to.......whatever, but if you are going to be like that about it then I won't bother".

"I wasn't going to go out for a drink when you have flu, but if you are going to be so fucking miserable then I will" and off he goes. An extension of this can be me asking him what his plans are "nothing", then an hour later "well think I will go out seeing as YOU suggested it".

And my favourite, if I am ever sad or cross about anything, believe me I am NOT a moody person and he admits that himself, he will just say "I am not buying into it, if you pander to people in a mood it makes them worse".

So basically, he gets to do nothing nice or thoughtful for me and actually it is all my own fault because I looked, spoke, had the wrong expression etc and so on.

God I feel tired, full of flu and so sad and pissed off today. I hate him.

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 20/12/2010 17:15

x post. torrent of accusation/judgement. Been there!

Keep calm. Turn it back on him. pick at what he's saying.

"So you are saying that . Why do you say that. What examples do you have?"

Really challenge him on it. Make him justify his statements. He's aiming to confuse you, make you anxious, doubt yourself. If you can stay in control, then he loses much of his power.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 20/12/2010 17:16

oh yes, the smile and nod is another form of attack. Designed again to make you crumble.

"I take it from your smile and nod that you agree with me. Good. I'm glad that's settled."

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2010 17:17

I disagree hec

I would just stop engaging

what is the point ?

you will never win (and why would you want to, it isn't a competition ?)

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 20/12/2010 17:18

my husband used to want me to back up what I was saying he'd said / done with the EXACT words he had used AND the date he'd done it.

When I couldn't do that, he would take that as evidence that he had not in fact said / done what I was saying.

I learned to do all the things I have said above.

He doesn't pull ANY of that shit any more. No point. I can tie him right back up!

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 20/12/2010 17:19

"I take it from your smile and nod that you agree with me. Good. I'm glad that's settled."

Xmas Grin, you are very sharp Hec. Will definitely use that.

However I think you are right too AF, after 8 years it is still the same, clearly the engaging and trying to get him to understand where I am coming from is not working and is not going to work.

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 20/12/2010 17:20

x-post AF.

Well, I guess my previous post is the point. Grin mine used to do all that shit. I learned how to respond in a way that tied him up and left him having to justify his comments and now he has changed. We've got none of that shit happening now.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2010 17:25

fair enough, hec

personally, like OP said, if after 8 years trying to make him see that he is being verbally abusive hasn't worked by now, I wouldn't think it worth bothering...

but then I would be leaving the relationship, so it wouldn't actually matter

wendihouse22 · 20/12/2010 20:38

Sounds like a tw*t.

Actually he sounds like a bully and what can you possibly get out of this relationship?

notmyproblem · 20/12/2010 21:01

How the DH-to-be's father treats his mother is usually a good indicator of how he as DH will treat you. I ran as fast as I could at 18 when confronted with that after meeting my BF's parents the first time. Scary stuff.

Also relevant to note that if you have sons and daughters and allow them to live in this environment of watching their father ridicule, belittle and manipulate their mother on a daily basis, wearing her down to the point where she just gives in to avoid any arguments, you are adding to the problem and creating a whole new generations of abusers and doormats.

Think about that.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 20/12/2010 22:48

OP - very glad you have got some clarity and icy resolve from this thread.

First off, I would completely stop trying to please this feeble excuse for a "man". Give it up, it's not worth it. Especially if the only "generosity" he shows is to flash the cash when he has a bit extra.

Then - look into how you can effectively leave him - and see if it's the way you want to go (I would say yes, but I'm not you and I'm not living your life, only you can know)

Stock phrases are useful to keep in mind, as given above.

You will not be able to change his mind about anything - you have told him you want to end it before, he has made empty promises. He doesn't want to change - he loves being in control and having a verbal punchbag at home to take out all his frustrations on! God forbid he should ever actually have to grow up and deal with them!

Look, I know there are mature sensible men out there in the world, I know there are - but why are so many of them immature fuckwits who think their responsibilities in family life end at putting food on the table?? And that they can just do what they fucking well please the rest of the time, while wifey does all the hard slog and grind, for nowt but a bit of cash and "security"?

It's time to call an end to this continuing cycle of fuckwittery - anyone got any brilliant ideas how?

InPraiseOfBacchus · 21/12/2010 00:07

This man is trying to control you. The fact that you can pick out where he does it is the first step.

I wish you all the best, I really do! Remember, it's very much NOT "all you".

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 21/12/2010 00:40

I am ending it. After Christmas. Seen a solicitor before so just have to pick things up with her in the new year. I have just wrapped a million presents alone like I do every year. His contribution to Christmas has been to pay for about two thirds of the presents for dc and even that was with a long fucking face. We have not seen him here for nearly three days now.

OP posts:
thumbplumpuddingwitch · 21/12/2010 00:46

ACC - good for you! Hope you get through Christmas ok and that next year you can have a much better name!

Stay strong - we'll be here if you need us.

Original poster
anothercrappychristmas · 21/12/2010 00:59

Thank you Smile. I wish you could all know how much stronger MN has helped me to be over the months, even just getting me to see how wrong it all was in the first place. I have posted about him a fair few times under various names. It has been going on for a long time and I was so unhappy but couldn't ever explain clearly why. Posters on here are so wise and help to put things into words when I was just thinking this is how marriage usually is and I just need to get on with it for sake of dc.

OP posts:
beijingaling · 21/12/2010 01:21

He sounds like shit. Glad to hear that you are going to get out and get your DCs out.

Other posters are so right (AF & Hec usually are!) that he will not change and he isn't interested in you as anything other than a punching bag, maid service, easy shag.
Good luck!

Callisto · 21/12/2010 08:23

ACC - when you said that you hardly ever 'win' an arguement it made me feel very sad for you. Proper relationships are never about one partner scoring points from the other, there should be no competition as your husband should be on your side. When DH disagrees with me or I disagree with him, we discuss it rationally. He never, ever says I am stupid or trys to belittle me.

I am really glad that you have decided that enough it enough. There are lots of lovely non-abusive men out there, but even if you are single for the rest of your life, surely that is better than your life right now?

JamieLeeCurtis · 21/12/2010 09:32

Good for you.

Marriage may be like this too often, but it's NOT how it should be. And it's not how mine or many other people's I know is

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2010 10:14

All the best, ACC

Here's hoping for a less crappy one next year. I think it will be a much better one, knowing that you have taken conrol of your own life. x

PeachesandStrawberry · 21/12/2010 17:16

Good for you!!

TurkeyMartini · 21/12/2010 17:27

Good on you, and do come back and post if you have a wobble. Good luck.

Lydwatt · 21/12/2010 17:39

As you are leaving, I wouldn't even be drawn into the argument with him any more...that's what he seems to enjoy.

'I'm leaving you because you treat me like shit and i don't want this any more' end of...no need for further discussion!

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