Full Frontal Massage Malarkey

[NurseGladys]

DH booked me in for a pampering massage for my birthday, which I went to today. I'm not sure what I was expecting as I have only had shoulder/back/feet massages (apart from one in China which was a bit too intimate for my liking, but at least I had my clothes on) Anyway I was asked to strip off to knickers and lie face down, turns out it was a full body extravaganza, which I was NOT expecting(had not shaved legs, toenails looked quite minging etc) and she asked me to turn over and massaged my front as well-I could not relax as all I was thinking was 'argh, stop squeezing my cellulite and running your hands over my stubbly legs, woman!!' Then she massaged my jelly belly, which was not pleasant, either.
Tell me I am being unreasonable and that they are used to this and it is all completely normal, as I feel slightly...er...wrong about the whole thing
btw I am not a prude, and it would have been easier if she wasn't a size 6 20-something girl!

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I love a good massage. But massaging the stomach is weird. Someone did that to me and it made me need to fart which I then had to hold in for 15 mins. Not very relaxing!

Dh and I went into a Chinese massage place on holiday. They took us into separate curtained off areas and asked us to strip off to our undies. We were then both given a very rough massage which I thought more painful than relaxing. When I came out dh was waiting and ready to run out the door. Turns out the 50 year old lady massaging him has offered him a bonus handjob! I pissed myself laughing for about 10 mins after hearing that....

PMSL @ stnikkilarse that's exactly how I felt when she massaged my stomach!! I then had to clench the buttocks for fear of letting one go

serenity -she did between my breasts- as I was lieing on my back they had gone East/Westwards so there was enough room for her to get between them with two hands (possible TMI-sorry!) She did the decolletage etc-no actual touching of the breasts, but if my breasts were larger and more...er...pert, then I think there would've been. (Incidentally, the Chinese massage I had in Beijing DID massage breasts and fanjo reason, I would not recommend it-luckily I had my clothes on for it, but still very awkward!)

oops- I meant region, not reason!

stnikk -just read the bit about the 50 year old Chninese woman, that's bloody hilarious, no wonder he was ready to run!!
When we had our Chinese massage it was in our hotel rooms in Beijing, and one (quite large and butch looking) woman had this tiny Chinese girl writhing around pummeling on top of her with her elbows, feet and knees- and then asked my colleague if she wanted her to take her jeans off!!
Agree with the rough bit with my experience of Chinese massage- I gave the tiny Chinese girl the money up front and said, just close the door when you are finished, don't wake me up- (thinking it would be nice and gentle foot and back massage) and after 30 minutes of having my intimate regions pummeled by her bony elbows I was about ready to tell her to 'get out!!' Relaxing it was NOT!

A friend of mine was once offered a free massage by the bloke who played Presuming Ed in Withnail & I, who is now (or at least was at that point) a masseur in Kennington. Needless to say, it all started getting a bit 'groinal' so she legged it

helen I think that is great advice, and it hasn't put me off, I will just be a bit more vocal next time about what I want!
OMG, reading these massage experiences, Unruly, Donkey and Greyskull- you have definatly put me off massages in Turkey/Marakesh or India-too bloody scary for a wimp like me

oTheHuge Cripes!!

at all those dodgy massages!

OP if you weren't comfortable that's okay but don't let it put you off, just tell them next time which areas to avoid.

I had a massage in South India. Had to strip butt-naked and then two women vigorously rubbed me all over with oil. I was just coming to terms with this when they proceeded to then grab hold of a rope swinging from the ceiling and do the same again, only with their feet!

I felt fine about it, as they were women and looked so bored that it was obvious that this was what I'd unwittingly opted in for - but there's still a funny photo of me taken by DP when I returned to our room, looking much like this:

Turkey seems to be the place for having your nethers touched. DH and I were in Istanbul and went to a 70000 year old hamam, He got bent all over the place and a finger hovered over his outlet pipe, I got throughly pinched and didn't enjoy it at all.
We had driven down the coast and went to another place, I had learned from the first one that I would keep my swimming costume on. We had to get into really hot baths then lay down for the massage. We weren't in the same room. My woman was desperate to get at my bosoms and I kept pulling my costume strap up, she kept pulling it down. In the end she got into a sulk and sat in the corner of the room masturbating. I pretended to be asleep.
I've never had another massage since.

I love my back, shoulders and head being massaged but couldn't bear the thought of someone massaging my tummy.

Still at least its not as bad as the latest trend for fanjo facials which is just so wrong.

notpartof I am intrigued-what is a fanjo facial????!

kreecher OMG at the woman masturbating!! I think I would've pretended to sleep to.
Mental note to self: never EVER have a massage in Turkey. Ever.

Nurse, i don't think she was the full ticket TBH, she did seem overly cross that she couldn't grab my tits.
DH, who should be known as Steve Naive, was taken to a masseur in Bangkok, he wasn't to know that Soi 4 is a notorious gay road.

I had an abdominal massage recently which was wonderful- and my god it got things shifting IYSWIM

@ kreecher -have just spluttered into my hot chocolate, bloody hilarious!!

deaddei- actually funny you should mention that as I did experience a bit of movement there a couple of hours later (not my usual time ) TMI, I know, but wonder if it was anything to do with the massage?

OMG Kreecher!!!!

I have had two freaky massages. Still, I ahve had lots of GREAT ones to so I keep on risking it, haha.

One was in Mexico, where the big burly 50 yr old masseuse gave my boobs and bum loots of kneading, and I was but too shy to say anything.

The worse one was in Brazil, where I went to a shop a bit like L'Occitane, wher they also offered beauty treatments.

So I went for the full body massage.
They pulled a stretcher into the middle of the store, and put up some room dividers around it (you know the type?). so there I was, lying in the middle of the shop, being able to see people's heads, naked under a towel on a stretcher that was too small so not comfy. People could have peeked in!(who knows, maybe they did) Then a BLOKE walks in, lifts towel COMPLETELY and starts massage. I got really cold due to airco and nerves, and just had to pretend to be relaxed....I refused to turn over for the frontal though. I said that was great but I really had to go.

Paid the money. Even tipped, and legged it.

Bet it was NurseGladys.
I have never had such a flat tummy

chandon I am now wetting myself at all these stories- I have to say Chandon, how very British yours was (I assume you are British) and many of the others (mine included, by the way!) Noone actually complains!! We all just lie there and grin and bear it- Chandon I love yours- you even tipped him!!! At least you had the sense to high tail it out of there when it was time to turn over- well done