to insist that we watch my choice of TV when DH and I are going to sleep?

[Chocolocolate]

This is one of the only things that DH and I actually argue about and I can't work out if it's me or him that's in the wrong.

I have had a long-standing problem where I can't fall asleep without having a TV programme on. It has to be something that I've watched lots of times before and something not too exciting. I have tried all sorts to get out of this habit but if I don't have this - I don't fall asleep.

DH did not vocalise that he had a problem with this for years however in the last year ,which I believe corresponds with him now having a job that starts early in the morning,he has. He says that he finds it impossible to get to sleep with the TV on and likes to listen to a short radio program that then turns off and there is black silence.

I cannot sleep with this.

I have suggested that I sleep in the spare room as I need to sleep but DH does not want to sleep without me. I have suggested that he wear an eyemask/have radio in earphones/earplugs etc

DH is not happy with any of these solutions and thinks that it is only fair if we alternate and have one night with TV and then one night with radio. He says that he watches TV for me and it's not fair that I always get my choice.

I know this sounds petty and selfish but it turns into a big argument about once a fortnight now.

What are your opinions?

I think you should alternate he is willing to compromise why arent you? You would fall asleep eventually, seems you want it all your way or you go in the spare room, how mean is that!

You are trying to punish him for something which is your problem, yet he has stuck with it for a year, and you won't compromise!

Am just wondering if you have children and if you've 'trained' them to be able to sleep alone/self soothe etc.
I have a 14 month old and its taken a while to get some good bedtime habits going, but it has worked...follow the routine and bingo!
I guess what Im saying is that you need to retrain yourself to get to sleep without the tv. Maybe start with watching your programme downstairs right before bed and then going up to bed. Maybe even have a drink of milk and read a short story too - theres a reason many parents do this for their children!
I think it would be nice for your DH if you could reassure him that you are going to do something about the REAL problem.

2rebecca- where on earth do you live?? Darkness and silence!!! Doesn't exist really anymore.
I DO get myself to sleep- it was my technique I sorted for myself to solve the insomnia problem.
I also like the window open at night, otherwise I get nightmares- is that pampered as well?
You obviously have a wonderful life, never have to worry about anything and have no 'funny habits'
I think the important thing about the OP is the fact that this has not been a problem until now.. she is struggling with the change in the circumstances.

I like to listen to Radio 4 programmes (talking, not music) or podcasts on my iPod for a bit, but usually get sleepy and turn it off after 15-10 minutes. In practice that wouldn't be too different from listening to a TV programme if you have it turned down dark and shut your eyes. So have you tried something like that, where having personal headphones would mean you weren't impacting on your DH at all?

Well you need to compromise, as you can't and shouldn't have it your way the whole time.

I can't imagine trying to get to sleep with someone in the room with me watching TV, however quietly. The noise and light would really impact on my sleeping so I can sympathise with your DH. Eyemasks aren't comfortable and sleeping with earplugs in is horrible (used to wear them when working nights).

Mind you if he can't sleep without the radio on then you're as bad as each other really. I imagine separate rooms is the only real solution!

Can you get some digital wireless headphones?

I sympathise with you, OP, in the same position. I used to have story tapes to go to sleep as a child, spent years not being able to drop off until two am as a teenager and only within the last few years found that having something on that I know well helps me to fall asleep. Otherwise my brain just DOESN'T SHUT UP.

Some of the people on here being so judgemental about this way to get to sleep are evidently lucky and have not experienced a sleep problem like this. Sleep deprivation is horrible, it just makes you feel like crap.

Having said all that I do think compromise is the way, but seeing that your DP can sleep with the TV but just doesn't want to/doesn't get as good a night's sleep as he should, but you can't sleep at all without it, I think the compromise of one night with the TV and one night in the spare room is fair. If your DP's not happy with that then he's being incredibly unreasonable, because he's essentially expecting you just not to sleep at night.

The anxiety sounds horrible. I do sympathise as I HATE lying awake worrying, everything seems bad at that time. It's better for me if I read until I feel sleepy, but that's a problem for partners because of the light. I wonder if you have tried meditation?

Otherwise, I have to say I don't see separate rooms as a problem, though I know some people think it is a big deal. If your sleep patterns are incompatible, then IMO the adult thing is to go for separate rooms, provided there is plenty of 'visiting' for nooky I really wish we had a spare room as I do find sharing a bed a trial sometimes.

Going to sleep with a tv on??
That's madness as well as sounding like possibly the most depressing thing I have ever heard.

I do sympathise as I tend to find the minute I get to bed I start thinking about things (not worrying, its just the time my brain likes to start sorting stuff out - probably because it has spent all evening being distracted by the computer or the tv ).

Having the tv on though is just a sticking plaster, it isn't really addressing the underlying problem. Sorting the problem out may be difficult, and it may make you feel like crap for a while while you learn new habits, but it can be done. Why should you just throw your hands up and say "this is how I am"? It isn't, this is how you are at the moment but you can sort it out, and when you do you will be able to sleep anywhere and everywhere without even thinking about whether there is a tv nearby, you'll be free! You just need to really want to sort it out.

might have been suggested already but what's wrong with either remote headphones for you or else a portable dvd player/laptop and regular headphones?

I can sympathise op. I'm also a crazy person who can't sleep without usually the tv on. My oh isn't too bothered as i have it very low and he's very tolerant of my sleeping ways (can't have someone facing me or touching me as get very hot. Window open in winter. Flattest pillow known to man etc). I downloaded some audio books which i've listened to so many times already and if it's very late I normally go to bed with these playing in my earphones. Some are meditation books which are good at telling you how to relax, perhaps you could try the same. They're really quite funny and it means I don't disturb oh or take them too seriously. Is it just habit you need the tv? To be honest if he likes the radio then silence, I don't see the issue with being the noise, perhaps he's just irritated at listening to re-runs of the same awful programmes :)

OP-how did you learn to only sleep with the TV on?

What happens if the tv goes off in the night - say a power cut or something? Do you wake up?

I agree with other posters - you really need to get help with this. You are searching for ways for you to be able to carry on with this when you should be searching for ways to not need this. You've convinced yourself it's the be all and end all, and you won't be able to sleep - so you can't sleep. Because you have trained yourself to be that way. (not on purpose! or knowingly)

Change. Get help, cbt, whatever. Sort it out.

Sleep train yourself off this dependancy.

If you didn't sleep the previous night at all then at some point you WILL be able to sleep from tiredness, if you were marooned on a desert island you wouldn't never have any sleep because there was no TV after all!!!

I am gobsmacked any adult is so dependent on TV. SUrely that's a wake up call to get rid of all the tvs out of your house....

I think you have to accept that this is a problem that needs proper resolution. Your dh has lost an hour or two of sleep every night for the last few years, and he has put up with it because it hasn't impacted on his life enough to make it a big issue, and presumably he loves you. But now it is a big issue because he isn't getting enough sleep. As you know what it is like to suffer from sleep deprivation I really think you should be a little more sympathetic.

I can understand that you are panicking about never getting to sleep at all, but if you are trying for a baby you need to get this sorted out now, because when your baby wakes up in the night you will not be able to put the TV on to get back to sleep again without waking your dh and wrecking his sleep too. Plus if you have the baby in your room then you will be impacting on it's sleeping too.

I had a similar issue when my dh used to snore, because he also really didn't want to sleep somewhere else, but he wouldn't do anything about the snoring. I found this very very upsetting, because it made me feel that he really didn't care about my welfare at all. I tried earplugs, but they really are not terribly effective and I found them really very uncomfortable. I also have a problem with sleeping if it's not very dark and have an eye mask, but it also isn't very effective and is uncomfortable and I really don't like to wear it unless it is the only option and very short term (eg a couple of nights in a hotel).

There is help available for insomnia I think you should at least try it.

I actually don't think the spare room is a fair or reasonable choice to give him, tbh.

What you are saying is - either put up with it, or we will be in seperate beds at least half of the time.

Considering how many people on here say that sharing a bed is very important in a marriage (I remember the threads! ) I can't see how it can now be thought that saying to him 'if you don't let me have the tv on every night, we won't be sharing a bed' is a good thing, a reasonable compromise or anything other than, well, blackmail.

YABU. You are depriving your dh of sleep every single night.

I would not put up with that - I could not put up with that - and you are being very selfish to expect your dh to put up with your bad habits.

You need to get treatment for your sleeping problems.

I know a couple of people who need the tv or music on to sleep, so I think there are probably a fair few folks out there who do this bedtime ritual.

One of my bedtime-tv-watching friends got involved with a girl who could not stand the tv ritual though, and she was forced to wean herself off her dependency. Her girlfriend objected less to having music on at bedtime, and my friend now is able to sleep with a CD playing at bedtime - always the same instrumental one - as she finds the monotony soothing and her girlfriend finds this acceptable compromise.

Is it the pictures or the sound or a combination of the two that work for you? Is there no way to make use of familiar music or audio books to occupy and distract your mind before sleep? If you don't know, try it.

I do feel a bit sorry for your DH even if he is being pretty unreasonable about you using the spare bedroom so as not to disturb him.

It is not his fault you need the tv on to sleep and that he finds it disruptive to his sleep quality. Equally though, being tv-dependent for sleep isn't something you have done to be difficult and annoying - so possibly a little more understanding on his part about how sleep-deprived you are liable to get without your nightly ritual would not go amiss.

My ex pretty much left the tv on 24/7 and always watched before he slept and always woke up cross if I turned it off before he was deeply asleep and snoring - it was a habit which drove me nuts as I rarely watch tv at all and my sleep quality was crap thanks to this. Luckily for him, he didn't have a bitchfit about me sometimes decamping to the spare room for a decent sleep or I think I would have gone mad and battered him with the remote.

I hope you can both sit down and work things out in a way that will be okay for you both, because sleep deprivation is torture.

Surely sleep is more important than sharing a bed. After all, you are actually asleep at night. This idea that married couples HAVE to share is very modern. I am a terrible sleeper and often end up in the spare room. At the moment, with a toddler and a newborn, my wife and baby are in the spare room, as she was for the first few months with our first one. Being happy and rested is far more important than the romantic notion of a shared bed.

larrygryll - having been the partner of an insomniac for years - I certainly agree that getting enough sleep is more important then sharing a bed.

Sleep deprivation not only is uncomfortable in the short term but is absolute hell in the long term - it drives you crazy and takes away your health and shortens your life expectancy.

Good sleeping habits are vital to good health.

Hi choc, yes the issue of babies sleeping in your room was why I asked that question. If you are ttc, you really are going to have to take positive action to deal with this. I do sympathise with you but I think you are just trying to avoid the problem. You need to tackle it as it's affecting your relationship. I've had a phobia in the past that inhibited my lifestyle to a certain degree so I recognise the way you're talking, rationalising not dealing with it.

Have not read the replies, just the OP posts, so this may have been suggested.
I'd try some Melatonin, a natural sleep remedy.

You could go to bed an hour or 2 hours, before your dh, as long as he doesn't wake you up when he gets in.
I think you should train yourself in the spare room, with a tv timer that shuts off 5 minutes earlier each week. Maybe that will work?
Info on melatonin www.insomniacs.co.uk/effect-of-decreased-melatonin-on-sleep.html