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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist that we watch my choice of TV when DH and I are going to sleep?

94 replies

Chocolocolate · 16/12/2010 20:57

This is one of the only things that DH and I actually argue about and I can't work out if it's me or him that's in the wrong.

I have had a long-standing problem where I can't fall asleep without having a TV programme on. It has to be something that I've watched lots of times before and something not too exciting. I have tried all sorts to get out of this habit but if I don't have this - I don't fall asleep.

DH did not vocalise that he had a problem with this for years however in the last year ,which I believe corresponds with him now having a job that starts early in the morning,he has. He says that he finds it impossible to get to sleep with the TV on and likes to listen to a short radio program that then turns off and there is black silence.

I cannot sleep with this.

I have suggested that I sleep in the spare room as I need to sleep but DH does not want to sleep without me. I have suggested that he wear an eyemask/have radio in earphones/earplugs etc

DH is not happy with any of these solutions and thinks that it is only fair if we alternate and have one night with TV and then one night with radio. He says that he watches TV for me and it's not fair that I always get my choice.

I know this sounds petty and selfish but it turns into a big argument about once a fortnight now.

What are your opinions?

OP posts:
NormalityBites · 16/12/2010 21:35

How astonishing. Really? I couldn't live with you! I don't agree with TVs or radios in the bedroom at all. I struggle to sleep if the TV is on in the living room and I'm in bed on a different floor! You really do need to seek help with this, it's not normal. Turn off the telly!

YABVU

woopwoop · 16/12/2010 21:35

Have come to back you up Chocolocolate! Could have written that post myself. I cannot sleep without the TV on and cannot stand silence when trying to sleep. I think it is all about not being able to switch my brain off. I have never understood people who say they fall asleep as soon as their head hit the pillow - it always takes me a while. If i am in silence, I just lie awake thinking about anything and everything (not necessarily worrying, just thinking). I have to either watch a TV channel showing things like 'Friends' that I've watched over and over or a light hearted dvd that I know well. I can?t watch a tv programme that I haven?t seen before because then i concentrate on it and cant fall asleep. So by having something well known on I can distract my brain, but also 'switch off'. Also, I don?t 'watch' the tv, but have it on and use the screen settings to make it as dark as possible!!!

Anyway - my husband has never expressed that he can?t fall asleep with it on - he doesn?t get a choice! But if he did I wouldn?t be able to cope with no tv every other day. The thought of lying awake every other night is not an option! I'd be in the spare room.

Original poster
Chocolocolate · 16/12/2010 21:36

Thank you curlymama

I am not trying to be selfish and have offered as many alternatives as I can think of but DH will not go with these.

OP posts:
DaisySteiner · 16/12/2010 21:37

I think one night in spare room, one night with TV on is fair enough actually, if you don't sleep at all without it. From what you've said he can sleep with the TV on, just feels it's disturbed for the first couple of hours.

However, longer term I really think you should look into getting some professional help for your insomnia. There was a TV program on recently with Dominic Diamond I think who tried a 'new' method and it really helped him.

LotteryWinnersOnAcid · 16/12/2010 21:38

I actually find it really hard to sleep without the TV on - and the same as you - it has to be something I've watched loads of times before so a DVD boxset of something. I guess maybe there's comfort in repetition or something, I don't know, I'm sure psychologically it's all very interesting.

Although I don't rely on it so much anymore and have become able to wean myself off it. Things that help me are if we have sex before sleep (Blush but true) or if he reads out loud, which he is doing at the moment because I'm pregnant, to the baby. Or if I'm really tired.

I had to wean myself off it because it really is unfair on the person you sleep with, as your DH is vocalising.

Do you have a laptop? Could you possibly use that to play a DVD with headphones? Would a portable TV (the modern ones are probably really good) be a solution? Less light in the room than from the TV to irritate DH, and he can still have his radio show on.

I hope you manage to sort it out. Nice of people to call you weird though! Hmm

OnEdge · 16/12/2010 21:39

You can get remote headphones for the TV, my Dad got some for exactly the same problem. I don't think its weird, everyone is different. There is no right or wrong way to fall asleep, its whatever works.

When my SIL lost her Mum she could only go to sleep with the TV on because she could not bare to be lying in dark room in silence, it allowed her to think too much.

diddl · 16/12/2010 21:40

"He would not be happy if he woke up in the middle of the night I had moved to the spare room."

Well, tbh, if that´s the only way that you can both get a good nights sleep then he´ll have to get used to it, won´t he?

tinierclanger · 16/12/2010 21:42

Do you have any kids?

Hulababy · 16/12/2010 21:43

I would find it impossible to sleep if there was a TV on in my room, sorry. I can totally see where your DP is comign from here,

Can you not learn to wear headphones?

Have you spoken to someone professionally about your inability to sleep?

Original poster
Chocolocolate · 16/12/2010 21:43

woopwoop you could be me!

Exactly the same! I even have Friends as one of my going to sleep options and set the screen settings to dark.

I can't switch my head off and if I lie in the dark I begin to get really anxious.

It has never been a problem before and so not something that I would need to see a doctor about. It has only recently become a problem as DH has now expressed that he can no longer sleep with it on.

OP posts:
SleightiesChick · 16/12/2010 21:43

I would also suggest alternating one night with the TV on and one night with you in the spare room (as daisystein said) for now. But you need to get help with this. I understand it's a genuine problem/phobia so you need to see a counsellor/therapist who can help you through this kind of fixation.

TeuchnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 16/12/2010 21:45

Choc you have not offered all of the alternatives if you have not explored how you may solve the anxiety and stress around sleep and getting to sleep.

If this were your child, what steps would you be taking to prevent them from a life of having to fall asleep with the tv on?

Would you suggest cold turkey? alternatives (radio)? Therapy? meditation techniques? Visiting GP?

None of the suggestions you are making solve the problem, they just lessen it as an 'issue' for you because you don't have to deal with the possibility of stress and anxiety.

diddl · 16/12/2010 21:48

"It has never been a problem before and so not something that I would need to see a doctor about."

But it´s a problem in itself imo.

DaisySteiner · 16/12/2010 21:52

And if it's affecting your marriage, then it's a problem now!

Fibilou · 16/12/2010 21:53

presumably it wasn't a problem for your DH before as he wasn't having to get up early so 2 hours of dodgy sleep didn't matter so much. Now he has less sleep so those 2 disturbed hours are having an effect.

You seem to be very concerned about your own sleep but not at all bothered about his

SleepingLion · 16/12/2010 21:55

I agree with others that the only practical solution is actually that you seek help for your problem - GP, who can refer you to a sleep clinic. It is very unfair to expect your DH to put up with this night after night and I don't really see that offering to sleep in the spare room is actually a reasonable suggestion either - I'd be pretty upset if my DH moved out into the spare room.

Original poster
Chocolocolate · 16/12/2010 22:00

We do not have DCs at the minute. We are ttc.

I have just thought about the fact that babies sleep in their parents' room initially so I would not be able to watch TV to fall asleep then. Now I'm anxious about that prospect.

It has honestly never been a problem for me. I fall asleep within the first hour of the TV being on and get a good nights sleep and wake up rested in the morning.

My DMs wise words

"When you were a baby, you did not fall asleep unless someone stood holding your dummy in your mouth and rested their hand on your head. I tried the cold turkey approach and it took 11 days before you settled without this. You'll have to retrain yourself again."

She also wants me to add that I did not have a TV in my room until I was a teenager.

OP posts:
BoattoBolivia · 16/12/2010 22:00

Choc- I totally understand you..I Have to have a story to send me to sleep! I have a HUGE collection of story tapes/CDs that I listen to at night to switch my brain off- It's unsusal maybe BUT not abnormal!! Every man I have shared a room with over the years (not that there have been many!) has ended up the same way, although my DH can cope with the radio. I totally get the fact that it has to be something you have heard before, so you are only semi-listening...enough to keep your mind occupied but not enough to keep you awake. Can't do TV myself, but can understand why you would.

Have you tried CDs? I have now put a load on my ipod and can listen with headphones, when it might disturb others, eg when capming. My sisters even gave me an ipod pillow for Xmas last year- you plug the pod in and it plays under your head!! I recommend Terry Prachet, Tony Hancock, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy amongst others. Try the library.

BoattoBolivia · 16/12/2010 22:04

X posted!
On the subject of babies in the bedroom, yes it could become a problem and bizarrly I am worse with sleep deprivation- I just lie there worrying about when they are going to wake up next!
On the other hand, both ours have slept in our room with Cds on and now sleep in their own rooms quite happily ( 8 years and 8 months)

Original poster
Chocolocolate · 16/12/2010 22:09

I agree that it's a problem as it is a problem for DH (and future DC) but it will be really hard to change.

I honestly do not sleep without it.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 16/12/2010 22:10

I couldn't share a room with a bloke that had to have a TV or some sort of noise to help him get to sleep. I like darkness and silence.
I doubt I could respect a bloke who hadn't learned basic sleep techniques. I'd think of him as a pampered toddler.
Going to sleep with stories is for young children. Even older children should be taught to get themselves to sleep.

Original poster
Chocolocolate · 16/12/2010 22:15

I think that's a little harsh 2rebecca Sad

OP posts:
RhinestoneReindeerHerder · 16/12/2010 22:16

I did think about posting something along those lines, but thought it a little strong...

Insomia is hard, but there are ways you can deal with it.

zisforzebra · 16/12/2010 22:18

I think it's only fair to alternate. Dh likes to watch tv for a bit when we go to bed and it's okay as long as it's not too loud.

I find it hard to sleep without having the radio on first. I set it to go off after 15-30 minutes though. I think it comes from having shared a bedroom with two sisters until I was 17 so I never had to fall asleep in silence and now can't.

Sometimes we have the tv, sometimes the radio and it just depends whose in bed first.

zisforzebra · 16/12/2010 22:19

Oh, I would recommend a combination of Bach Rescue Remedy Nighttime and Badger Balm sleep time - both are fantastic if you have problems getting to sleep and i use them if the radio (always radio 4) doesn't work.

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