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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to change my plans for Christmas morning?

83 replies

follyfoot · 16/12/2010 17:22

DD has always wanted to go to New York, its her big dream. I got made redundant in October and got some redundancy money and luckily, last week I got another job so will be earning again from the new year. As a huge surprise for her, I've booked a trip to NY for the two of us (DH not interested Grin ).

Have got it all planned for Christmas morning so that when she opens her pressies first thing, there will be some NY themed things in amongst her other small gifts, and as she unwraps more things, the gifts will give bigger hints, so the last two are a luggage strap with US appropriate padlock (its got a USA flag on the packet) followed by two USA plug adaptors....then we'll give her the tickets. Cant wait to see her face. She and I had a very tough time in the past (DV) and it will be the trip of a lifetime for us. Have spent ages planning the build up to her finding out on Christmas day.

My Mum has been in touch to ask us not to give her the tickets until she gets there (lunchtime). Sorry this will prob sound v selfish, but she always opens her pressies at breakfast time and I dont want to do anything different this year to make her suspect there is a huge surprise is in the offing. Because of the way the small presents will drop hints, we'd have to not let her have any gifts in the morning at all. Am not normally a control freak, but have spent ages planning this and its making me smile just thinking about the build up to the BIG present!

Should I abandon the plans and not give her the ticket until my Mum and the inlaws get there? Have offered to video it all with the new camera I might be getting for Christmas from DH Grin

OP posts:
IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 16/12/2010 19:23

I have to admit I would wait.
It's lovely your mum wants to share your DD's excitement!

tinkertitonk · 16/12/2010 19:37

I'd say wait for the grandparents, that way more people can join in the fun, and it sounds like they're motivated by love for your daughter rather than anything selfish.

But the main thing is, what a great present, you are a generous mother. NYC in the winter is beautiful but cold, buy some serious clothing when you get there.

SantasENormaSnob · 16/12/2010 19:38

I wouldn't wait.

Prinnie · 16/12/2010 19:38

Just wanted to say what a fab present - I hope you have a lovely time. Report back to Mn when you get back :)

Jux · 16/12/2010 20:15

You've already covered yer arse. Your mum's said she'll understand if you can't wait so you're in the clear.

TyraG · 16/12/2010 20:26

I wouldn't wait. I'm sure your mom will understand, especially since you put so much time and money into putting this gift together for her.

marriednotmulled · 16/12/2010 20:42

I want you to adopt me please Grin

amicissima · 16/12/2010 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 16/12/2010 20:59

she is hijacking your surprise, this is something YOU have done. Sounds like your family has had it tough this year, so this is a gift for you and your DD.

Your mum will have to accept this time she is not involved,

Fibilou · 16/12/2010 20:59

"I can just hear my Mum arrriving and saying 'I wish I had been here to see her face' in a way that only she can, and I'll feel guilty."

Folly, there will be lots of occasions in your DDs life that will be exciting and your Mum won't get to see her face when she finds out - (this is going to sound really cold in print but I mean it to come over in the nicest way possible) she is going to have to get used to not being there for every little moment as your DD grows into a woman with her own life. I'm sure my Mum would have loved to have seen my face when I did my positive pregnancy test but eventually you get to the point where being there for every big moment just isn't possible.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/12/2010 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 16/12/2010 21:09

I wouldn't wait. It really has nothing to do with your Mum - if she had contributed then fair enough, but she hasn't.

I just think that if you wait, then your DD might think that the whole family chipped in for the present. Which is then embarrassing all round - they either deny and feel bad somehow (not that I'm saying they should, but still awkward) - or worse, they will just sit grinning and it will be up to you to say 'actually this is from me and DH'.

Just tell your Mum, sorry but we aren't waiting. She can hear all about it from your DD once she arrives :)

StarExpat · 16/12/2010 21:10

I would think about it this way:
When your DD grows up and has a family of her own... if she did something special like this with her own DD and you wanted to see your granddaughter's face and surprise because it was so special, would you be so grateful if your DD waited for you to arrive?

I feel badly because she's dependent on ILs to get there... I'm thinking if she could drive herself, she'd try to get there asap in the morning - is that right?

At 17, I think she could probably wait, tbh. It's your gift and your surprise, but how fun would it be to share this joy with your family?

If you really want it to be just the 3 of you sharing these moments and the surprise, then do it. Just explain to your mother that you want to do it early and you'll video it for all to watch later on in the day.

Personally, I'd want more people to share in the moment and would feel badly for the mother who can't get there when you want to do it for no fault of her own.

StarExpat · 16/12/2010 21:12

AliBella - couldn't OP just tell DD that later on, or before they get there? DD is 17.

bessie26 · 16/12/2010 21:12

oh how exciting! Grin that really is a fab present!

YANBU - it's your present for DD & you do it as you want.

Have a great time - wrap up warm, I went in Feb & it was absolutely freezing! (perhaps a very warm top could be one of her presents?!)

2rebecca · 16/12/2010 21:19

Serves you right for discussing your daughter's present with your mum. If you hadn't made a fuss about it and told your mum then she wouldn't feel she was missing out on something.
Presents in our house always get opened xmas morning. I think your mum is the one being selfish here.
It isn't about her, it's your daughter's present, form you and your husband. Tell her it will be opened at the usual time for opening presents and if she makes a fuss you'll just not discuss presents with her next time.
I'd never demand someone else delays opening a present just so I can see "the expression on their ickle face". I find this sentiment really selfish and icky. The present isn't even from her.

StarExpat · 16/12/2010 21:24

Yes, I meant to say - FAB present! I can see why you're excited :) I'm excited for you Blush
Please do come back on xmas day (or after, of course, when you have time!) and let us know how it all went. :)

Baublepink · 16/12/2010 21:33

I would not wait. Your DD will be sooo excited to tell her grandma when she arrives, she can relive the present opening all over again.

I have a mum who is always putting this sort of thing on me. I then agonise for ages over what to do and either resentfully agree or feel brave and tell her things are staying as they are but then suffer mega guilt.

Not saying your mum is the same, obviously I don't know her, but there is an element of selfishness in asking without recognising there's an effort on your part to put off your own moment of pleasure and that of DD.

If she'd have said "I know you normally open presents at breakfast but I would so love to see DGD open this one because it means so much to her, I would love to see her face as she opens it" then I might feel more inclined to try and accommodate her (possibly). It would more depend on attitude and history for me. If your mum doesn't generally ask much of you in this sort of thing then you might consider it, but if (like mine) she's forever "getting in there" for want of a better expression then I would stick to your original plan.

Actually, I would just stick to the plan anyway. This is your turn, your big gift, your moment and you don't/shouldn't have to water it down to accommodate your mum unless you want to (as opposed to should/could do).

AliBellandthe40jingles · 16/12/2010 21:44

StarExpat - how can she tell her DD before they arrive if the present is a surprise? Xmas Confused

Baublepink · 16/12/2010 21:45

StarExpat, good point but in my case I will most definitely not be putting anything like this on my DD, I will wait to be asked to join in events and accept that it is her turn with her family, and sometimes, there are special moments between mum and daughter that don't have to involve Grandma.

I have a bugbear that my parents still act like the current reigning parents (as it were) and I am still the DD and my DD is like my little sister or something. I am very pleased they are active and healthy (and I do love them a lot) but they are unwilling to pass the baton over and want to constantly be in the thick of the action instead of hearing about it. My mum wanted to be the first to take DD to see Father Christmas, for example. And at the christening, my mum wanted to hold DD all the time, greet guests holding DD, pose for most of the photos holding DD and generally acted like DD's mother. Totally off-point I know but I don't want the OP to feel guilty for sticking to her plan because some parents (or GPs) lovely as they are, need to learn to take a back step.

StarExpat · 16/12/2010 21:59

Barbie Shock well if her mother is like that, then OP do it and don't wait! :)

Ali I meant tell dd before they get there that she will open her gifts from Mum and Dad when GPs arrive.

Rhinestone · 17/12/2010 02:03

Wow, you are a cool mum! Your present, your planning, your surprise, you moment. Do it how you originally planned, that way you'll remember it forever.

jasper · 17/12/2010 02:20

your way

santasakura · 17/12/2010 02:41

This is something special you have arranged for your DD. YOur mum is jealous, but that's not your problem. Your mum has to grow up.

santasakura · 17/12/2010 02:43

But yes, I would regard this as a lesson in what not to tell your mum in the future!!

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