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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really annoyed at this suggestion?

67 replies

SuiGeneris · 15/12/2010 13:33

PILs have just visited. All went well and they took baby DS out to a cafe, because that's what they like to do. Apparently DS made faces at other children and generally enjoyed himself.

DH comes home late, after bath time, on a day where I have worked and looked after DS and says DS has enjoyed going to the cafe so much, why don't I take him too. I am fuming: does he think I have nothing to do in my life and have spare hours to waste in a cafe???

I work from home about 10 hours a week but have only 4-5 hours childcare, so of necessity the rest of the work gets done during DS's precious nap times, after he has gone to bed or after DH has come home. So I get no free time whatsoever and when DS is awake I look after him and run the house. I see a friend with a similar age baby once a week and have recently started going to a playgroup.

So really annoyed at the suggestion that [as I have nothing to do] I could waste inexistent spare time doing something I hate. The coffee place in question is very average and has absolutely no attraction to me: if I want tea and cake I make the cake.

Am probably over-reacting, but humour me. DH said this last night and I am still annoyed today at lunch. Would you be?

OP posts:

Beans33 · 15/12/2010 13:34

I think yours is a story of so many of us. Most DHs think that we do nothing all day. Just grin and bear it and continue doing what you do. If necessary, tell him you went to the cafe. A small white lie to shut him up.

Original poster

SuiGeneris · 15/12/2010 13:38

When I was ill last week the house became a complete dump as DH found looking after DS quite enough work, thank you. So how, how could he say something so inconsiderate less than a week after seeing exactly what happens if I do not run the house??

OP posts:

booyhohoho · 15/12/2010 13:38

yes, I'd be annoyed. As if the idea wouldn't have entered your head A) if it was something you wanted to do and B) if it was at all possible? some people just don't engage the brain before speaking. does he honestly think you can't think of things to do yourself, even ifyou had teh time?

DELHI · 15/12/2010 13:41

You have enough time to spell out your dilemma in detail on here

altinkum · 15/12/2010 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhohoho · 15/12/2010 13:44

yes because that is the same thing DELHI.

OP probably uses her computer to work from home and is, shock horror, having a break. it is allowed. doesn't mean she has time to get ds organised and toddle off into town for a nice leisurely lunch, alone.

irregularegular · 15/12/2010 13:45

Blimey - he only made a suggestion! Why are you so annoyed? It's not as if he demanded to know why you don't go, or suggested you were doing anything wrong.

Presumably you do have some time when DS is awake and you do stuff with him - play, go out, visit people. You could go to a cafe in that time if you wanted, maybe meet up with other people. If you don't want to go, don't go, but I don't see anything to be so annoyed about!

Littlefish · 15/12/2010 13:46

I agree with altinkum. Dd and I have always gone out to cafes or occasionally for lunch if we were out shopping.

Perhaps you have much higher standards than I do. How long do you spend per day on washing/cooking/cleaning, in addition to your 2 hours per day working?

I really do think you're being over sensitive.

OhLittleTownOfShirley · 15/12/2010 13:46

Saucer of milk to table two

TrillianAstra · 15/12/2010 13:47

When DS is awake you look after him - well you could do that in a cafe.

I think you are being over sensitive, DH didn't say that you were looking after DS inadequately if you didn't go to a cafe.

pooka · 15/12/2010 13:49

Crikey- bit of an overreaction. Certainly to still be seething next day.

altinkum · 15/12/2010 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 13:50

He only made a suggestion and it was to do something nice (at least something he thinks is nice) not suggesting you wash the floor more often!

You are disproportionately angry about this - there has to be an underlying reason for it. Do you not feel valued? Do you feel he thinks his parents could do a better job of it all? Do you feel he thinks you don't take DS out enough? What is really going on?

You sound a bit depressed to me - maybe he's worried about you.

Original poster

SuiGeneris · 15/12/2010 13:50

Well, the fact is I do NOT want to go to the cafe, there is no point: I don't want to eat out as I eat better quality food at home in a more pleasant environment.

DH seems to think I should waste money on food and drink I do not particularly like to DS can go to a cafe and look at other children. I do not want to go nor do I want DS to think it's fine to waste time and money going to a cafe when there is no need. DH knows how I feel (after all I have never been to this cafe despite living here 4 years) but it seems that my opinion does not count.

Altinkum: I am glad you are so efficient. Perhaps I should have explained that to get 10 full hours done I essentially work 2 complete days plus one half day over the weekend. On the third weekday I see my friend and on the fourth I have the playgroup. So there is only one spare day in the week, during which I generally do various washes, batch-cook for DS and DH and I and finally relax.

DH's comments make me think: sod it, I'll go back full time, get some respect from people who actually value my work and he can suggest going to the cafe to the nanny. Except I rather like DS so it would be cutting off one's nose to spite the face, or whatever the expression is.

OP posts:

diddl · 15/12/2010 13:50

I read it as a suggestion because your son had enjoyed it.

Would you be so annoyed if he suggested the park as your son enjoyed it?

I don´t get your reaction tbh.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 15/12/2010 13:51

Hark at altinkum! Triple, ha!

yanbu, pil do these things as infrequent visitors, you font have time, tell him to do it if he enjoys it that much... Can't think of anything worse than sitting in a cafe on my own!

Its hardly quality time with the little one!

jonesybells · 15/12/2010 13:52

alt you work 40 hrs per week and do all that stuff too? you're wearing your pants on the outside aren't you?

arentfanny · 15/12/2010 13:53

YABU, and your reaction is over the top.

TrillianAstra · 15/12/2010 13:53

You are now massively over-reacting. How does 'maybe you'd like to go to the cafe' equate to lack of respect for who you are and what you do?

He INBU to suggest something he thinks you might like to do, YANBU to say 'No I don't want to', or 'No I'm too busy'. Why are you angry?

OhLittleTownOfShirley · 15/12/2010 13:54

whoa

OooohWhatIfItHurts · 15/12/2010 13:54

"when DS is awake I look after him"

Agree with Trillian. Being in a cafe is just looking after him somewhere different. I go out with my DS to cafes quite a bit because it is a change of scenes for both of us and he enjoys looking about. I like to think that it will help him to be more sociable.

Not quite sure how having to squeeze in 5- hours (childcare free) work per week around naps/evenings leaves you so pressed for time. It's only 45 mins a day or so?

merrycompo · 15/12/2010 13:56

Jeez lighten up!

My dcs love going out for a drink and slice of cake

it's not coke and a packet of fags fgs

ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 13:56

WOW - that really is a LOT of anger over one small suggestion. You need to see your GP - seriously.

I also agree with Altinkum, unless you have a house the size of Buckingham Palace, you aren't doing anything most other Mums don't do - with spare time to boot.

If you don't want to go to the cafe don't go - but there is no need for all of this anger over DH suggesting doing something that he saw DS loved doing.

If it is taking you 2.5 days to do 10 hours work - is it really worth it?

Maybe going to work and having a nanny would be a good option for your family - then you would get the 'respect' you crave and maybe DS would get out more which is seems like he enjoys - win win really. What about WOH 3-4 days a week? Would this be a possibility?

OooohWhatIfItHurts · 15/12/2010 13:56

Cross post. You sound very angry. Surely there must be more to this than being pissed off because he suggested you go to a cafe? If not it is one hell of a mahoosive overreaction.

altinkum · 15/12/2010 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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