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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed at this suggestion?

67 replies

SuiGeneris · 15/12/2010 13:33

PILs have just visited. All went well and they took baby DS out to a cafe, because that's what they like to do. Apparently DS made faces at other children and generally enjoyed himself.

DH comes home late, after bath time, on a day where I have worked and looked after DS and says DS has enjoyed going to the cafe so much, why don't I take him too. I am fuming: does he think I have nothing to do in my life and have spare hours to waste in a cafe???

I work from home about 10 hours a week but have only 4-5 hours childcare, so of necessity the rest of the work gets done during DS's precious nap times, after he has gone to bed or after DH has come home. So I get no free time whatsoever and when DS is awake I look after him and run the house. I see a friend with a similar age baby once a week and have recently started going to a playgroup.

So really annoyed at the suggestion that [as I have nothing to do] I could waste inexistent spare time doing something I hate. The coffee place in question is very average and has absolutely no attraction to me: if I want tea and cake I make the cake.

Am probably over-reacting, but humour me. DH said this last night and I am still annoyed today at lunch. Would you be?

OP posts:
MrMananger · 15/12/2010 13:57

I think you're overreacting slightly! Poor bloke probably thinks you might enjoy getting out of the house when DS is awake.

Original poster
SuiGeneris · 15/12/2010 13:58

Iamusuallybeingunreasonable: spot on!

And Diddlis quite right: I would not mind at all if the suggestion was to go to the park (where, incidentally, I try to take DS every day or as close as I can). It's the suggestion that I take him to the cafe (which is something I don't like doing) which annoys me, as it completely disregards my views on the subject.

ChippingIn: you are quite right. The issue is that I felt the comment was a way of saying that what I do with DS is not good enough. A bit like the continual suggestions, earlier on, of going to playgroups/postnatal groups. Not everybody fancies sitting in a chilly church hall listening to people talking about things you don't know/care about. It is not my idea of fun and I will not do it. But various people seemed to think this was a really bad idea and of course I should do it and would enjoy it. Why should they know what I enjoy better than I?

OP posts:
MrMananger · 15/12/2010 13:58

you due on love?

FindingAManger · 15/12/2010 13:59

I have no idea why this suggestion might have annoyed you. Is there something else going on with your relationship?

OhLittleTownOfShirley · 15/12/2010 13:59

WRT to your last sentence it's because it's no longer ALL about what YOU want to do.

I don't particularly want to have long drawn out conversations about bloody Runescape, but I do it because my DS likes to bend my ear discuss things with me.

OooohWhatIfItHurts · 15/12/2010 14:00

SuiGeneris, are you depressed/anxious/agorophobic?

That kind of background might explain why this is such a big deal and there's probably lots of wise MNers who can dispense practical advice?

OhLittleTownOfShirley · 15/12/2010 14:00
RumourOfAHurricane · 15/12/2010 14:01

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OooohWhatIfItHurts · 15/12/2010 14:02

PMSL at MrMananger

FindingAManger · 15/12/2010 14:02

Just to add, I understand perfectly why you might not like to go to a cafe with your DS, but why so annoyed about the fairly innocent suggestion?

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/12/2010 14:02

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OhLittleTownOfShirley · 15/12/2010 14:03

Oh Shiney - go and read the "Lady Broadcasters something something" thread.

Whenever I'm down I read that one and everything makes sense again.

Original poster
SuiGeneris · 15/12/2010 14:04

Sounds like the consensus is IABU. And I am a lot less annoyed than when I started this thread, so thanks everybody!

Best not take decisions about going back to work fuller time until after the holidays. As somebody has suggested, 3 days a week might be a good compromise...

OP posts:
thumbplumpuddingwitch · 15/12/2010 14:04

I think perhaps you are reacting to the fact that he is suggesting it because his parents did it. YABa bitU if I'm right, but I sympathise, because I get a bit miffed about the perceived subtext of such suggestions as well - as in "my parents/mum did this and he loved it, why don't you do it, are you not as good at doing enjoyable things with your son as my parents/mum are/is?"

I got told the same thing when MIL took DS to soft play (not something I had ever come across before) - good for her if she's happy to sit on her own in one of those places with her grandson running round like a loon (I've been once since with friends) but it's not my idea of a fun day out with my boy! So yes, I got a bit narky, but I think if you are still seething about it now you need to look at what your real issue is with the suggestion.
Are you feeling undermined?
Are you feeling as though you're being compared to your ILs and found wanting?
Are you actually a bit insecure about your parenting (for whatever reason?)

Any of the above could contribute to your reaction here.

altinkum · 15/12/2010 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jonesybells · 15/12/2010 14:05

alt please don't be offended Blush

  • I'm genuinely in admiration - I wish I could be more like that - I'm just crap at getting stuff done!
jamaisjedors · 15/12/2010 14:06

Maybe he thinks you (both) need to get out a bit more, especially if you work from home as well.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 15/12/2010 14:06

God, loads of x-posts! Must be typing slower than normal Blush

MarianneM · 15/12/2010 14:07

I also find your dilemma and anger a bit bewildering OP.

So you work 10 hrs per week and have childcare to cover 4-5 hrs. And do the remaining 5-6 hrs when your son sleeps. And the rest of your day? Does "running the house" really take so long you cannot get out? And you only have one DC.

When I only had one DC and was on maternity leave I did the housework in the morning with DD in a sling or toddling around, then she had a nap and her lunch, after which we always went out for a nice walk and often coffee in Peter Jones in the afternoon. My DD loved going to Peter Jones, having a look around and then having coffee in their cafeteria. I really liked it too.

I don't really see the problem. It's nice to get out of the house! You might even find that you'd be in a better mood if you did :) I manage to get out even now with two DDs though it's a bit trickier - especially as we have 1 metre of snow here in Finland.

diddl · 15/12/2010 14:07

It also wouldn´t be my choice of something to do.

Could be he only enjoyed it because it was new/other children were there.

But if it was easy to get to I would probably give it a try.

The novelty might soon wear off.

mumbar · 15/12/2010 14:09

Dear God woman, Most of us would love a DH that suggests going for coffee and cake in a cafe with DCs, instead of pointedly asking what we have done all day. Hmm

I think this is a communication problem, you have taken offence because of what you think he meant, presuming he thinks you do nothing all day.

Maybe you could meet your friend who you see at the cafe instead of the usual place??

altinkum · 15/12/2010 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumbar · 15/12/2010 14:11

Oh marianne, I'm comming to Finland (lapland) on Saturday. How cold is it at the minute?

chakalala · 15/12/2010 14:11

well, just dont go if you dont want to but jeez you are being very unreasonably angry!

homeboys · 15/12/2010 14:13

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