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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I should make my ex now take me to court to see the kids after recieving this text from him..

106 replies

Ladyanonymous · 14/12/2010 19:16

Ex asked me a week ago if he could see the kids boxing day from 2pm I told him if he wanted to see them he would need to pick them up in the monring as I had plans (picking up my partners kids from airport and others 150 miles away need collecting). He refused to comprimise so I said fine don't bother having them then. He will not see them at all during the holidays. Its his weekend to have them NYE w/e although we "take it in turns" Hmm on NYE so he has told me he'll be picking them up on the Saturday rather than the Friday (hasn't stated a time) and has told me he won't be having them on the Sunday night and Bank Holiday Monday instead either.

Kids are upset about not seeing him so I asked if he could have them from 12 noon as a comprimise - he has flat refused and has said if I want him to have them next year on boxing day I'll need to let him know now Hmm.

I said fine you'll need to have them NYE then as that is your agreed access night, and theres no guarentee you're not going to dick me about next year anyway and fufill your part of the bargain.

I've said they really want to see you so you either need to have them boxing day or have them the extra night new years eve w/e as we would like to go away. He replied "As I have already said I am away for xmas (he hasn't said that at all - and hes told the kids hes staying at home) and it is too late to change my plans. As for New Year I am away as it is not my year to have the kids. If you drop them on my doorstep you will be abandoning them and my neighbours will phone the police. If you choose not to be there on the Sunday when I drop them back then I will have to phone social services (I work for Childrens Services so am aware this is bollocks) and inform them that you have abandoned them as you are not home for the kids. Now stop texting me, if you send me ONE more text I won't bother picking them up from school tomorrow."

AIBU to want to go round there and rip his fucking head off kill him or now just deny him access.

Either way the kids miss out Sad

OP posts:
Lulabel27 · 14/12/2010 22:20

If the airport is 40 minutes away and he can have them at 12 but no later I assume you will be leaving shortly after 12 to pick up DP's child. So that means you should be back by 2pm? Even if it is a little later can you not suggest he can collect them in the afternoon?

It seems you're more intent on creating an argument than actually figuring out how this can work for your children...

A1980 · 14/12/2010 22:21

It also seems that it's accpetable for you to have plans that mean you can't drop off the kids in the afternoon but not accpetable for him to have plans that may make it difficult to take them before 2pm.

PaisleyLeaf · 14/12/2010 22:25

It does seem as though your both arguing that you don't want the children.
I hope they're not getting wind of any of this.

Herecomesthesciencebint · 14/12/2010 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 14/12/2010 23:55

My ex is a twat. I have a new partner who has three kids. We arranged for those kids to come after Xmas day with me and my partner. My ex is a twat so I presumed wouldn't help with childcare over xmas. I have entered a new relationship which involves 3 other children who me and my three children adore. We arranged xmas months ago. I asked my ex and he didn't reply - why? because he is a total twat. I am stuck in the middle because my kids ask and want to see him and have no idea what total twating cunting arsehole he really is and when he hurts them I lie to them about what cunting twatting cunt he is. He won't discuss arrangments like an adult he waits until he pisses me right off anf then threatens police etc etc etc and has tried to have me arresret in front of the kids. Am I being unreasonable by stealth I guess - but at a loss and miserable and unable to protect my kids from him anymore.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 00:05

LA - I honestly don't know why you are copping so much flak on this thread. Your EX wants to chop and change when he has the children to suit himself and I can't see why you should sit at home, never making any plans, just to suit him.

I am not entirely sure the children benefit from seeing their father, but as they seem to want to then you need to facilitate it as much as possible, without sacrificing your entire life to do so.

I would tell him fine, if he can't collect them at 2pm or earlier on boxing day that is fine and if he can't have them NY as he should that is also fine - when he next wants contact, get his solicitor to contact yours as you have had enough of his half arsed parenting.

A1980 · 15/12/2010 00:09

Charming language.

So why can't your partner collect HIS children from the airport. It doesn't take two of you to do it.

Your attitude doesn't help either, neither does the appalling foul language.

As much as you are blaming your ex for not making arrangements, you aren't trying to make it work either. Does it take both of you and your DC's to collect your DP's kids from the airport? Why drag your kids on long car journey to get his DC's when they can stay at home in the morning with you, while your DP goes out to get his kids, your kids can see their dad and it's all sorted. It doesn't make sense to drag them on a long car journey to get your DP's kids and then send them straight out again to their dad. It's a bit much.

I've seen it happen all too often from my stint in family as a trainee solicitor. You aren't being fleible either but are shifting all the blame on to your ex-p.

I don't understand why your DP can't go alone to get his children. You arranged christmas months ago, fine. But both of you don't have to collect them.

tingletangle · 15/12/2010 00:12

When you have childen with someone there is a commitment that you should work together. Often that means compromise and sometimes you do need to bend over backwards.

From this thread you and your ex need your heads banging together . I really hope your children do not realise that you bicker over who is lumbered with them.

TrailMix · 15/12/2010 00:20

I'm with ChippingIn, I think some posters have not properly read the OP and subsequent posts.

For Boxing Day, could you arrange for him to pick up your DC from your house in the late afternoon/early evening? Will you be back from the airport by then?

As for NYE, just keep the kids yourself. He doesn't want them. It's pathetic and terribly sad, but at least you can have a nice NYE with your children. It won't be many years before they don't WANT to spend NYE with you. Smile

And then, as many have suggested, set contact arrangements in stone via a solicitor.

HollyTwat · 15/12/2010 00:22

LA I do feel for you because your ex is still having control over your life but you are letting him. I have been through exactlyvwhat you are now, and there are many things that make you angry
1 his indifference to his kids
2 his lack of any responsibility
3 the power he has by canceling contact and the effect on your plans
4 that you are legally accountable for contact but he is not
5 that you need a break
6 that he has tbe ability to make you spit feathers by changing everything to suit his life

So you have a choice. You keep on fighting and letting this man upset you or you plan to have your children 100% of the time and if he has them it's nice for them but it dorsnt affect your plans.
You never let him know that he has inconvenienced you in any way

His Power is taken away and he then has to decide what kind of dad he wants to be

It's easier once you stop reacting or expecting anything

melymoo · 15/12/2010 00:27

I agree with tingletangle you do have to work together but if you are the only one willing to be flexible then I can see why you're getting annoyed.
If I understand correctly, your DP is going 150 miles to collect 2 of his DC and you are only going 40 mins to collect another? So she isn't giving priority to her DP children, I'm assuming he won't be back in time to collect the 3rd child?
And I don't think you are BU to want to go away for a weekend if it is a weekend your XP was supposed to have the kids.
I don't think its about both of them not wanting the kids, OP clearly wants to let her kids see their father over xmas like they want to, she isn't offloading or forcing them to go, they asked.
I'd wait until the new year and speak to your lawyer then, your XP is BU, you may have to tell the kids they're spending all the holidays with you though.

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 00:38

UANBU

He is not putting the children as a priority, he is not interested! Sad

santasakura · 15/12/2010 00:39

So have I got this right?- Dads cannot be forced to see their kids, but they have the right to take the mother to court to demand access to the kids?

Un-f*ckin-believeable

YANBU

santasakura · 15/12/2010 00:42

I agree with hollytwat 's post

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/12/2010 00:43

Can he not pick the kids up later on Boxing night?

HollyTwat · 15/12/2010 00:45

Only you know your exh but mine has dragged me through the courts because my dc didn't want to see him

I've spent thousands and now he has contact and we are mostly amicable he doesn't really want to have them. I self represent in court so that satisfaction has been taken away. I have now lots of childcare I can call on so that too is no longer something he can hold over me by causing a row just before his weekend where he knows I am away.

It's sad for the dc but ultimately he can be the dad he wants to be.
I can't change that. I would still be married to him if he wS a nice guy

So the only thing you can do is change your response to it. I've had a text today saying he will babysit 'for me' and he won't be having the dc for any days over the holidays as he dorsnt think that's what they wAnt! I didn't reply. 2 years ago I would have

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 00:51

oh yes that is right, they can not be forced to see their children, they can take you to court for all sorts! I get really annoyed by this one, they can take your children to court to force a new patner the children don't like on them, and if they have a baby to someone else and your child has never met that baby, the courts will not allow contact between half sibligs, so they force someone the kids dont want who is not a relative as dad is shagging her, but no contact with a half blood relative, it is not right is it!!!

HollyTwat · 15/12/2010 00:51

Santas that's completely right. Only the resident parent has to give contact and is legally accountable. If the nrp dorsnt want it you can't force them

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 00:53

What also annoyed me is that if the nrp does not turn up to the court order nothing happens to them, if a resident parent does not they are potentially liable for prison sentence! Now that is how abusive men play the system!

santasakura · 15/12/2010 00:56

it's not right at all Mummiehunnie. I am getting sick of the way mothers are treated: by the courts, by the schools, by social services [I'm thinking of a thread where a woman whose husband had died recently was investigated by SS for the messiness of her house and 'not coping'. Was she offered help? No- not help at all was offered, just threats to have her kids taken off her]

I've said this before: All responsibility, no rights is what mothers get

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 00:58

I think the centement with a lot of these things is that it was set up to protect the children and with the best of intensions and there are so many loopholes that it fails it's purpose some of the time! When the systems fail it is very damaging to children and parents, it is sad!

santasakura · 15/12/2010 01:05

well, until recently children were owned by the father, so if there was a divorce the mother had no rights to them (actually, not so many years ago, by law, if the father divorced the mother he had the right to give the children to whoever he wanted- there was no guarantee she'd be allowed to keep them)

Now we have laws in place "for the best interest of the child" (which is good)

But there are no "mother-rights" at all AFAICS. Lots of father-rights, though, it seems

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 01:09

I don't think it is a case of lots of father's rights and no mother's rights! I do think that cafcass the body that reports to the courts are a complete shambles, and have been reported as not being fit for purpose, both mothers and fathers, resident and non resident parents are very anti cafcass at times, so I don't think it is one way or another. The father's rights movement has a lot of groups regarding contact/custody court issues, like f4j, fnf and nf4j to name a few, there is only one that i know of that campaigns for mothers rights m4j, their prominance is low, I suppose as the mothers in general are too busy caring for the children and those that have no contact have social stigma issues to deal with, it is all very sad and another thread probably, maybe you could start one and pm me to let me know where it is x

santasakura · 15/12/2010 01:22

yes, sorry for going off topic. Mothers are given the kids more often because they were the primary carer. that has nothing whatsoever to do with rights IYSWIM. That's "in the best interest of the children"
with the recent trend for SAHDs, I reckon a lot of women are going to lose their children in the next 10 years or so.

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 01:32

Santa, a lot of parents manage to sort out contact and custody quite well on their own, and actually the courts do not always make a situation work out well, one cafcass officer told me it certain cases the situation never gets resolved well at all and they go through the motions!

Santa, I agree that there will be a lot of children living mainly with fathers if they were stay at home dad's as that is all they have known, if Mum works full time, it is in their best interests to live more with Dad for continuity, which is what op wants continuity for her children which is good for them, sadly op's ex does not want routine and continuity as he is not putting his children's needs first!

I understand that under goverment proposals for family law reform that they are advocating that parents have a fifty fifty split of parenting, which I understand some people are up in arms about as it is not good mentally for children to not feel part of any family and they are better off living with one parent and having contact with the other!

I have recently heard of a case of a mother loosing custody of her son to her exh, I was not surprised, she hardly ever cared for the child and he and his parents often were the one's to care for the child, it used to shock me that this woman ran an nct group as their chair, eventually the members cottoned on and one asked her if she actually had a child in the end, I wonder if she still chairs for that local nct group! She was all about her job, pt, massage etc, and he was all about the baby, it is sad, I think that it is probably right that particular little boy is resident with his father, for continuity!