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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with my mum

61 replies

HelenLG · 10/12/2010 20:07

All she does is talk about herself, actually all she thinks about is herself...

I know being a mum is hard, I really do appreciate that now that I'm a mum but all through my childhood I've always felt like my mum didn't really care, I just put it down to her not being 'mumsy' but now I'm beginning to think she's just selfish.

To name just a few things: -

  • she said she couldn't afford to come to my wedding in edinburgh, me and DH offer to pay, she cant't come because she can't find anyone to dog sit and can't possibly put him in a kennel. I had to force her into asking her sister in the end...
  • her dog died a month or so before DS was born (a year and a half after the wedding). I felt really bad for her and she was devasted. We talked about it a lot and about how maybe having some space and time before getting a new dog would be good and it meant she'd be able to visit more and help with DS when he came along
  • she insisted that she would buy a moses basket for DS when he was born, but she left it until the month before he was due, then her dog died, she went out and bought a new dog and so couldn't afford a moses basket. This doesn't piss me off as much as it pissed off the other grandparents (my dad and IL's) who had been really great and bought us a lot of baby stuff
  • she didn't come to the hospital when I had DS, she lives an hour and a half away and we were there for a week, because she had too much overtime to do and couldn't leave the dog alone. She didn't even fricking call me...after 3 days I called her
  • she has only been here once in the last 5 months since DS was born because she can't leave her dog alone

The thing that really pisses me off is that the last 2 times I've spoke to her on the phone, I've said, Oh DH has a new job... but not once has she bothered to ask about it, in fact she just goes, oh yeah, and then continues talking about herself...

Literally my phone calls with her are her talking and me saying Yes, No and Uh huh.

It's one thing to ignore me and not really give a crap and make excuses, but I guess I just expected more for her grandson and my DH by proxy I suppose.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed at her?

OP posts:
anonymosity · 10/12/2010 20:09

You are not being unreasonable. She sounds like a classic Narcissist / Borderline Personality Disorder. Has that been explored?

Original poster
HelenLG · 10/12/2010 20:22

No, to be honest up until now I've just ignored it but it's really beginning to piss me off now.

OP posts:
Squitten · 10/12/2010 20:28

You have my sympathy.

I gave birth to DS2 last Saturday and went into labour at 3am. Called my Mum about 4am, as we had pre-arranged, to come and be in the house with DS1 and the first thing she said to me was "Oh no - I have to get my shopping in tomorrow."

I was actually lost for words...

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 10/12/2010 20:28

God I sympathise - aside from the dog issue she sounds just like my mum.

YANBU to be pissed off but I have learnt the long hard way that you ABU (or at least totally unrealistic) to expect more.

MrManager · 10/12/2010 20:36

So she lives alone, isn't very sociable, and is attached to her dog?

Sounds rather sad, I think you should be taking more of an interest, not writing her off and being pissed at her.

irishqueensspeech · 10/12/2010 21:15

mistermanager ... is your sole purpose in life to come on mn and disagree with everyone?

Original poster
HelenLG · 10/12/2010 21:18

Actually MrManager she lives with my step dad and 14 yo sister.

As for taking an interest, I visit her at least once a month and spend about 40 minutes a week listening to her talk on the phone about herself.

Squitten, that is ruely shit, at least I wasn't depending on my mum...

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 10/12/2010 21:22

I was in labour with dd at my mums house, panting and holding the kitchen table.

She had to go to work, and advised me to get a taxi to the hospital Hmm

OP, I feel your pain.

Sassyfrassy · 10/12/2010 21:53

YANBU. My dad is a bit the same. I called him after dd2 was born and said I'd send him some photos and he immediately starts talking about his new shed and how he'll send me photos of his shed. Grr, not what you should say to a woman who has just had a baby.

MrManager · 10/12/2010 22:08

irishqueensspeech not my sole purpose... maybe like 4th or 5th purpose? Xmas Grin

And she sounds quite busy, I assumed she was a lonely old woman. She has her own active family life with a 14y/o daughter, why get pissed at her for not coming to you when you could go to her?

TheCrackFox · 10/12/2010 22:08

She will never change so don't wish your life away in the vain hope that she will become a better mother. Sad

Enjoy your new baby and surround yourself with friends that do care and love you.

narkypuffin · 10/12/2010 22:15

Ignore the MR troll.

I'm stunned that she went and bought another dog within a month of losing one. She sounds like a rather selfish woman.

Geistesabwesenheit · 10/12/2010 22:21

Helen, my mum's the same. I don't call her any more, but it hurts all the same to know she's not bothered. YANBU, your mum sounds like a self-obsessed old bat.

SkyBluePearl · 10/12/2010 22:41

Is you mother my MIL by any chance? My MIL can't ever leave her dogs to visit, rings once a year and only talks about herself. She doesn't have a maternal bone in her body and has never been much of a mother, MIL or granny to be honest. She left my 1.5 year old alone with her 4 dogs and when we visit her once a year she has massive toddler tantrums over the smallest simplist things. It's got to the point where I have given up trying to make things work and instead find each MIL drama quite entertaining. I love to exchange MIL stories with my closest friend -helps to see the funny side. Laugh or cry - its up to you as she is who she is.

magicmummy1 · 10/12/2010 22:59

YANBU. Can't imagine my mum wanting to miss my wedding, birth of a DC etc. Very strange.

JJ17 · 11/12/2010 01:57

Some people are v strange. I said to my Dad recently "if my DS2 (11) was abducted, feared murdered you would say, "don't upset your mother"" - he laughed!

And it's true.

onmyfeet · 11/12/2010 06:08

Yanbu. She isn't maternal and you are. Maybe she will pay more attention when they get older, (especially if they get a dog!)

electra · 11/12/2010 06:21

YANBU, OP, but I must say anonymosity - I am becoming very tired of seeing people on MN 'diagnosing' others with personality disorders after hearing about a few things that they have done.

Personality disorders are complex and even when a psychiatrist has known a patient for some time, difficult to diagnose. I'm finding it quite irritating tbh. People behave in certain ways for all sorts of reasons. Some people are just very self-centered - that doesn't necessarily mean they have BPD.....

worm77daisy · 11/12/2010 06:26

3317 that sounds like my parents!

Animation · 11/12/2010 06:51

Helen - The degree of self-centredness is VERY extreme, and not only that but she seems unable to love and nurture you properly - everything seems to be about HER needs.

She does sound narcissistic to me. I'd check that out - there's a good forum called - Adult Children of Narcissists.

Her behaviour must have taken it's toll on you over the years - you poor love.

Animation · 11/12/2010 08:16

Electra.

The OP is looking for answers, and the "Narcissistic" label is an effective description of the scope of behaviours and attitudes that she's been dealing with.

It's very rare you find a narcissist in a clinical setting - not as a client, and so they never receive a formal diagnosis.

What's important here is that we don't get hung up on eradicating labels, the damage that Narcissist parents inflict on their kids self esteem is colossal, and no one knows more than someone who has seen, heard and lived through it for years.

chitchatinsantasear · 11/12/2010 08:22

YANBU at all OP! Playing devil's advocate here, but why don't you try cutting your mother off a few times and just start talking about your DS. 'That's great mum hey DS just did ...... isn't that great'. Just keep doing it for a bit and see what happens!!!

mampam · 11/12/2010 08:33

Helen your mother sounds very much like mine. I have every sympathy for you.

Original poster
HelenLG · 11/12/2010 09:15

Seeing some of the stories on here she doesn't seem as bad as some mums out there.

It just frustrates me, DH and I had a discussion about how we should stop doing everything and going to see her, but then when DS came along it seemed really unfair that he should lose half his family because no one can be bothered, I feel that we should at least make the effort for his sake.

I couldn't imagine him asking in 20 years why he doesn't see his nan and me going 'oh well, she couldn't be bothered and neither could I...'

OP posts:
Geistesabwesenheit · 11/12/2010 09:28

I completely understand your frustration, but I'm guessing your DS won't ask why he doesn't see his nan; he'll probably have worked it out. I'm basing that assumption on my teenage DD's attitude to my mum.

It's maybe guilt-inducing to consider that you might not be bothered about her, but tbh, this is the attitude she's already shown to you. That's probably a bit harsh, but it's not good for you to have a lifetime of obligation.

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