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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with my mum

61 replies

HelenLG · 10/12/2010 20:07

All she does is talk about herself, actually all she thinks about is herself...

I know being a mum is hard, I really do appreciate that now that I'm a mum but all through my childhood I've always felt like my mum didn't really care, I just put it down to her not being 'mumsy' but now I'm beginning to think she's just selfish.

To name just a few things: -

  • she said she couldn't afford to come to my wedding in edinburgh, me and DH offer to pay, she cant't come because she can't find anyone to dog sit and can't possibly put him in a kennel. I had to force her into asking her sister in the end...
  • her dog died a month or so before DS was born (a year and a half after the wedding). I felt really bad for her and she was devasted. We talked about it a lot and about how maybe having some space and time before getting a new dog would be good and it meant she'd be able to visit more and help with DS when he came along
  • she insisted that she would buy a moses basket for DS when he was born, but she left it until the month before he was due, then her dog died, she went out and bought a new dog and so couldn't afford a moses basket. This doesn't piss me off as much as it pissed off the other grandparents (my dad and IL's) who had been really great and bought us a lot of baby stuff
  • she didn't come to the hospital when I had DS, she lives an hour and a half away and we were there for a week, because she had too much overtime to do and couldn't leave the dog alone. She didn't even fricking call me...after 3 days I called her
  • she has only been here once in the last 5 months since DS was born because she can't leave her dog alone

The thing that really pisses me off is that the last 2 times I've spoke to her on the phone, I've said, Oh DH has a new job... but not once has she bothered to ask about it, in fact she just goes, oh yeah, and then continues talking about herself...

Literally my phone calls with her are her talking and me saying Yes, No and Uh huh.

It's one thing to ignore me and not really give a crap and make excuses, but I guess I just expected more for her grandson and my DH by proxy I suppose.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed at her?

OP posts:
electra · 11/12/2010 10:07

'What's important here is that we don't get hung up on eradicating labels, the damage that Narcissist parents inflict on their kids self esteem is colossal, and no one knows more than someone who has seen, heard and lived through it for years.'

Are you a psychiatrist then? Because the labels you're throwing around are specific psychiatric disorders which you couldn't diagnose just hearing a few stories about the person. You may think it's an effective description but it's not helpful to be diagnosing people over the internet who you've never even met.

It's not that I don't empathise with people whose parents have damaged them - I have two very toxic parents. Lately, though I have noticed how fashionable it is for people on MN to diagnose family members of someone posting with a personality disorder.

JanetPlanet · 11/12/2010 10:10

YANBU. You have my sympathy. Being family doesn't give people the right to treat you badly. My in-laws are way more interested in themselves and their dogs than they are with my ds (who is the only child on their side of the family, no other grandchildren). You have to wonder about people who find it easier to have meaningful relationships with pets yet can't build relationships with people. We can't visit DH's grandmother because she refuses to put her dog who bites (and bit someone so badly they needed stitches!!) in a different room. Ds is nearly 2 so won't sit on your knee for long.
I used to get upset because they werent interested. They didnt see him until her was 4 months old and that was because we went to them, which was much harder with all the baby paraphernalia (they live a short flight away). You reap what you sow and in the words of that song from Bugsy Malone "you give a little love and it all comes back to you". If people choose not to bother you can't force it. They are the ones who lose out in the long run. Your partners parents sound like nice people though, most kids seems to have a favourites were grandparents are concerned.

Limara · 11/12/2010 10:18

HelenLG {{{hugs}}}} to you. Bless you.

I get the impression the dogs are her excuse/barrier to the world and the people in it.

Talk to your mum openly and honestly. If you told her how you feel, would it make your relationship with her any worse?

electra · 11/12/2010 10:21

HelenLG - I think there comes a point where you stop seeing your parents as 'must be right' and realise there was something wrong (for some of us!) Unfortunately you can't change them - that's the problem. I would suggest that if your mum is hurting you to distance yourself a little for a while.

My parents have hurt me a lot over the years and caused me a lot of damage but I didn't start to look at their behaviour and realise something was wrong with how they had treated me until I was about 22.

bestdaysofmylife · 11/12/2010 10:25

Why can't she bring the dog with her when she comes to visit you? If she doesn't have anyone to look after it, surely that would be a sensible resolution, or is there a reason that can't happen?

altinkum · 11/12/2010 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TottWriter · 11/12/2010 10:44

YANBU.

I would just stop making so much affort, unless your stepfather and younger sister (step-sister, sorry, memory like a sieve) are really worth the effort.

Your DS will not grow up and wonder in 20 years time why you didn't make an effort. I would imagine he'll be able to see for himself what she is like, and if he can't you will be able to say in all honesty that you tried, but sadly, Grandma isn't very good with people, only with anaimals. (Well, by the time he's grown up you'll be able to say it straighter than that, but it's a good one for when he gets old enough to ask.) Let's face it, you have tried, and she has put the new dog first. My mum is a little like this (nowhere near as bad fortunately). She spouts on and on about animal welfare yet has some pretty heartless opinions on people, particularly DP and her own mother.

To be honest though, I imagine your DS will grow up and just accept that this is the way things are. I saw one set of grandparents several times a week, and my other grandmother three times a year as she lived four hours away and couldn't drive far. Just how things were. You'd be surprised at what children just accept as normal. Don't feel guilty for cutting out a weak link.

Animation · 11/12/2010 14:26

Electra

I think it's VERY important to label what you're dealing with - because it helps us to understand it and manage it better. It's like if you're mistreated at work on a regular basis you label it "bullying" and that can be very useful as well - and good for sanity.

The same goes when you're at the receiving end of a bunch of behaviours and attitudes that are "narcissistic" - it's useful to know. You don't have to be a psychiatrist or therapist to pick up on these traits.

Along a Narcissistic continuum you've got traits at one end and Narcissistic Personality Disorder at the other. I don't know if the OP's mum has NPD but she definately has some serious traits, wouldn't you agree. Similarly "toxic" traits have a narcissistic element, and it's very crazy making stuff that's hard to unravel on your own.

electra · 11/12/2010 14:35

I agree, but a personality disorder is a specific dx with a set of criteria - it's a mental illness. My parents both exhibit strange, upsetting and confusing behaviour but I've never dwelt on whether they have mental illnesses because whether they do or not that doesn't change how they have affected me. It's for a doctor to give those labels but that doesn't mean that those of us on the receiving end of less-than-supportive parents can't do something to heal ourselves of the pain they have inflicted.

ShirtyGerty · 11/12/2010 16:25

We have this with my MIL who says she can't leave her pets to visit us an hour away by train but manages to arrange for someone to look after them while she visits DH's ex wife in Florida for a week.

The only advice I have is to lower your expectations of her.

Recently my MIL has begun to make more of an effort and has visited us once and called to talk to me on the phone once (we have been together for 2 years) as I think she is beginning to realise that she's the one who will ultimately miss out.

Feelingsensitive · 11/12/2010 16:28

YANBU. But I doubt she will change so you need to adjust your expectations accordingly.

lilyliz · 11/12/2010 16:50

get on with oyur family life and just give mum a call once a month ask how she and the rest of the family are a bit of general chit chat and leave it at that,don't go looking for anything of her you will just be disappointed.have a happy xmas with oyur family.

anonymosity · 12/12/2010 00:13

What the fuck is a "toxic" trait? Is it medically proven? Is it part of the mental illness dictionary? Or is it a forum term/

MrManager · 12/12/2010 00:15

anonymosity it's a MN term that people mainly seem to use so they can justify being anti-social and inflexible to their relatives.

anonymosity · 12/12/2010 00:16

Ug. Don't like it at all...

chitchatinsantasear · 12/12/2010 10:03

Oh get over yourself, Mr Manager. Toxic parenting is NOT a MN term.

Far from it.

Just do a google search and you will come up with a myriad of sites.

This is a definition on just one site:

"The phrase toxic parent was coined to describe parents whose own negative behaviour grossly inflicts emotional damage which contaminates their children's sense of self."

TyraG · 12/12/2010 10:24

MrManager just go away.

Men don't understand mom issues as they don't have the same kind of relationships with them as we do. So of course his first thought was it was your fault for not being a good daughter.

Maybe you need to take some time off from her for a while. Don't call her, if she calls you, tell her you don't have the time as you have a child to take care of. Are you on good terms with MIL? I know it's not the same but perhaps you can just talk to her when you need a mother figure.

MrManager · 12/12/2010 11:38

Men have plenty of understanding for mum issues, it's just their wives are happy to declare their MILs poisonous and toxic rather than work around their difficulties.

TyraG · 12/12/2010 13:14

Ah once again lumping all women into one group. No surprise there.

Actually I adore my MIL, she's a fantastic person who did a wonderful job raising her son. I've even told DH that if she gets to a point where she doesn't want to live on her own anymore (DH's dad died in 2000) I'd be happy to have her live with us.

What you fail to understand is the dynamic of a daughter's relationship with her mother. Mother/daughter relationships are vastly different from mother/son relationships.

MrManager · 12/12/2010 13:23

"Men don't understand mom issues as they don't have the same kind of relationships with them as we do."

And that's not lumping women into a group?

I just disgree with this 'toxic' notion that people are somehow poisonous, that they will literally harm you if you allow your family to have a relationship with them.

TyraG · 12/12/2010 13:27

Yes dearheart because women and men have different relationships with their moms.

Christ do I need to draw a picture with stick figures for you?

MrManager · 12/12/2010 13:34

All women and all men? Or just in your experience?

missmehalia · 12/12/2010 13:48

I wonder why there seems to be a floating population of (apparently) male posters on MN making deliberately inflammatory remarks..
Go and find a nice life somewhere, why don't you?

OP, it's hard if you feel that a parent's behaviour is completely selfish (I agree with you, BTW, sounds horrible.) The only thing you can change is your own attitude to it - reward with thank yous and perhaps a little more contact if/when she's supportive maybe. Offer her what support and face to face contact you feel you can without draining yourself too much?

I do think the most important thing, though, is not to keep wrestling with who she is, or have expectations that 'one day she'll see the light and change'. This seems to be such a recurrent theme with relationships on MN, and such a difficulty so many humans have (yes, me too.)

I think it's particularly difficult for older people to change, and have heard of many tough stories like yours with regards to that generation of parents.

Animation · 12/12/2010 20:42

TyraG - ah, here you are again. How are your comments relevent to the OP?

TyraG · 12/12/2010 22:52

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