Christmas!!!

[Tw1nkle]

I loved spending christmas at home with my family each christmas when i was a child.

It was important to my parents that me and my sister were at home with them, and other family members came to visit us.

I reallly want the same for my child - I want us to be at home on christmas day, and for the grnadparents to visit!

My DD is the ONLY grandchild in the family at the moment, but MIL&FIL want us to go to their house instead.

Am I being unreasonable?
(They are the only set of grandparents)

just say no!

I have, and thankfully my husband is supporting me!

His sister is now involved as she is going to MIL's house for christmas (I'd invited her too), and she thinks that MIL does so much for everyone all year (she does a lot for my sister in law only!!!), that we should all go there, as MIL would like it!!!

I feel like i've waited so long for a family of my own, and now I have it, i really want Christams to be special.

I feel like it's my time to be the 'mom', and the MIL should respect that - she's had her turn!!

Is that too harsh?

not at all.

Once you have kids, it as to be about them,not your MIL.

Maybe think how you could compromise....maybe you could go there after lunch for an hour or two - or ask them to come to yours at X o'clock ?

Tough if they don't like it!

not unreasonable at all (unless you're guilting into her visiting you, which would be uncalled for - request is one thing, demand is another... but then that's not the vibe i get from your post)

just say NO!

I have a rule that children get to open their presents in their own home on Christmas morning and stay there long enough to play with them. I'll trek out to see family any other day of the hols but on the day, we stay at home. YANBU at all.

Having said that, offer something else. Suggest starting a new tradition on Christmas eve or something.

Surely it is being together that counts?

As a child we went to my gran's every year and adored it.

YANBU. It's totally up to you what you do at Christmas.

YA most definitely NBU

A few years ago, after years of slogging either abroad to see my family or 2 hours South to see DHs family for Christmas, we decided enough was enough. We said to everyone that we weren't going anywhere for Christmas anymore but that everyone and anyone would be welcome to come to us on a first come first served basis!

Has worked out fine and atleast people know where they stand!

We usually go to one set of GPs or another. This year we are having people to us though. Its much easier being the guest than the host

TBH it doesn't matter where you are, its who you're with that counts. Children will generally have a happy time regardless. Presumably your DD is still a baby and pretty portable?

I'd be pretty upset if my grown up DC have children and then decide they are never visiting at Christmas again.

Is there more to it than this? You say MIL&FIL are the only set of grandparents. It must be hard not having your parents still here to spend Christmas with, and I do feel for you.

If this becomes a rule you would be BU, but if there's give and take you are not.

They have said that they will come over on Christmas day for an hour or so - which I'm really pleased about!

I know my DD (she's 2), will find it hard when they leave, as she l;oves her GP's to bits! And see's them regularly anyway.

I really don't mind hosting - I love it actually! But so does the MIl unfortunately.

I do agree, it's the people that matter, and if my DH really wanted to go, then i would go - but i still wouldn't think it was right!!

If we did go, my MIL fussys terribly over my DD (as she's the only grandchild), and I know the day would become all about them two, together, and no-one else would get a look in - my DD is too young to say who she wants to spend time with! Plus we wouldn't be able to eat until really late, as she'd just want to spend the day with DD, and not in the kitchen!

Christmas can be so awkward with families can't it?!!?

I don't have any rules. As long as most people are happy and no one is alone.

My parents are coming for dinner, and I love them coming after all the Christmas dinners they made me, and as they get older I don't know how many more we'll have together.

I much prefer having Christmas away with family - growing up it was a good mix of both, but I have more memories of the ones at my grandparents or Aunties house, all the family together playing games. It's all part of getting away from it all and the magical feeling for me.

I don't think it matters where you are, as long as you are amongst the people who love you.

I have to say though your comment

"Plus we wouldn't be able to eat until really late, as she'd just want to spend the day with DD, and not in the kitchen!"

Perhaps other people could also help out?! Christmas is abotu families for her as well, I can totally understand why she would want to spend all day with your DD rather than slaving over a stove so everyone else can relax!

"my MIL fussys terribly over my DD ... she'd just want to spend the day with DD, and not in the kitchen"

waaaaaait a mo here

am i understanding this right?

you'd invite nan and grandpa over for Christmas lunch but you'd expect both guests to spend the day in the kitchen, rather than socialising with the rest of the family? isn't that part of hosting christmas yourself? and why is your MIL the unreasonable one - you'd have invited both GPs over but only MIL being vilified as wrong for not helping out? isn't that what your partner should be doing as father to his kids?

mum - kitchen, dad - socialising?, grandpa - socialising?, nan - kitchen?

seems like a shite invitation to me

My MIL wouldn't let anyone else help, that's the problem - she wants to do everything!!!

That's why I thought she might like to come to us, so she would get more time with my DD.

She's not speaking to me about it anyway - and hasn't since it's been mentyioned - she talks about anything but, and now her DD is involved too - it's all getting a little out of hand tbh.

I do understand that it's about being together, but i honestly believe that if we went there, me and DH would just be sat all day, trying to grab some time with our DD, the DH would get impatient and want to go, then MIl would insist we stayed longer, prolonged the cooking so we'd have to, and DH would get more and more worked up!!!

meanwhile, we'd have to watch MIL and DD having a great time!!!

So this is we're definately staying at home.

Next year, when DD can talk more, we'll see.
(MIL practically carries her everywhere at the moment, as she's stillsmall eneough, and DD loves all that attention!).

Hmmmm sorry I still think YAB a tad U

You could all have a great time together, you are making it sound like a spectator sport with your MIL and DD in the middle!

Sounds like your DD enjoys it, but it's you that has a bee in your bonnet about it.

By all means, have the Christmas you want and is special to you, but I think you are being a little unfair on your MIL...

I´m with you, OP.

You have invited ILs & SIL & they have declined-their choice!

I think when you have children then it´s nice to have your own Christmas.

I´m sure your Ils did what they wanted-now it´s your turn!

Ooh in that case i withdraw my , I thought you expected her to cook in the kichen with you all day, which wouldn't have been fair as a guest

nevermind - sorry then :)

YANBU

Before we had DD we sometimes stayed with family. However, once she came along we were both of a mind that we wanted her to spend Christmas at home, which is how we both remembered it as children. GPs were welcome to come and stay if they wanted.

We live too far from everyone for them to just drop in. The thought of having to transport a child and all the presents - especially when she was little and we wanted her to think Santa delivered everything - was just too much.

Fortunately this arrangemebt suits everyone anyway and PILs always stay with us for Christmas.

I seem to be in the minority - I LOVE going away at Christmas, even with DD. We are all flying to Scotland this year, with all our presents, and I can't wait!

It is mostly because I like someone else to be responsible for all the organising though (I'm perfectly happy to be told what to do!)

I can see pros and cons of this. If you went to MIL she would cook, and also inlaws prob pay for food?? If Christmas diner is at yours you would end up doing catering and would be costly and exhausting?? Or am I wrong?? There is of course BOXING DAY?? What about meeting up Boxing day instead?? Why do you HAVE TO do anything on Christmas day??

Not everyone's cup of tea, but what we do since DS1 was born is have Christmas at home. Relatives are invited to visit on Christmas day but I never host any meals. I put out party food whilst they visit, offer a drink or two etc.

There's no way I want to be rushing around hosting when I've got two small DC. This Christmas is our first as a family of four, so I'm definately not going anywhere! It's worked out fine since the beginning and we have no regrets about our arrangements. It means I don't get stressed and get to enjoy what Christmas is all about - family.

When you have children things change. You have to do what suits your circumstances.

YADNBU

From what the OP says, it seems that her parents just want to be in their own home and for everyone else to travel.

When she was a child, they stayed at home and others came to them. Now their child/children have grown up, they want to continue staying in their home on Christmas Day and continue having other people come to them. Understandable but not always feasible, unless they're extremely elderly and/or housebound.

Do what is best for your little family. As the saying goes, you can't please all of the people all of the time and trying to do so causes resentment. When we were childless, we happily travelled to other family members. Now that we've got children we've said that we're having Chrismas at home (ds' are 1 and 4) and anyone wishing to join us is extremely welcome. So far it's working .

Hope that you get it sorted.

OP I definitely don't think you are being unreasonable - you do what you think is best for your family. And for you it is a continuation of a family tradition - and it sounds like your parents are not around to enjoy christmas with you so it is a nice tie back to them at this time of year for you.

However, playing devil's advocate for a moment - do you know what your dh did at xmas when he was little? Did your MIL give in to her PIL/parents and spend every year trudging between different grandparents and resenting it? Or enjoying it? But getting through it by thinking that it would be 'her turn' to do christmas when she was a granny...

Also - have you told her that you actively like doing christmas as well as it being about being at home for your dd as reasons for not going to hers? she might be deluding herself thinking that she is helping you by inviting you!

Hi,

My PIL's always had christmas at home with their two children (one now my DH), which makes the whole thing a little more annoying!

I have offered for us all to go to their's for the whole day Boxing day - which i think we are doing, although she hasn't confirmed it yet, as she's not talking about christmas at all, now that she knows we're not going on Christmas Day!!!

btw - they are in their 50's, and both able to drive, and live 20minutes away!!!