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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ok, I am probably going to get flamed, but I would like to ask a question...

108 replies

InkyStamp · 07/12/2010 14:36

Ok

A lot of the time I see people say they dont have time to help their child with out of school hours child related things.

I understand people have full time jobs, more than on child etc.

However, and I ask this in a genuine way, not a judgemental way, is it a question of priorities?

Yes, we need to have dinner on the table and they may need bathing etc. But surely, a childs project and or homework and or activity (not scouts or ballet) but something they need for class should take precedence over, say, the ironing or washing the floor?

Surely there is time for doing that after they are in bed? Yes, it is tiring and really, who can be arsed to do the floors at 11pm, but isnt school work more important?

Yes, we need to keep the house clean and livable. I understand that.

But I would rather devote the time to doing school stuff with/for my child and then do housework afterwards/on the weekend. I think it is important to take an active and enthusiastic role in my childs education. (not saying that anyone doesnt, I am just explaining my thinking)

So, I am asking, I suppose, what it is that means you dont have time? (genuine question)

I understand that there is a debate about whether school should send stuff home. But weather you like it or not, they do. This question is not to debate that - we all have various thoughts on that issue that have been debated over and over on here.

My thinking is that for people who work full time, it genuinely IS a case of not having time. Get home at 6 or later, feed the kids, bath then it is their bedtime. Then I understand, I honestly do. That would be hard!

My question is for the people who dont work? Or who work school hours?

Sorry Blush I cant really word my question very well, but hopefully people see that I am not meaning to be judgemental, and that I am genuinely interested. I am not setting out to start an argument or offend anyone or bash any particular group of people. Sorry!

OP posts:
altinkum · 07/12/2010 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BendyBob · 07/12/2010 17:46

'school work and projects should be done by the child. If they are too young to do it alone then it is not suitable for them and I would have a word with the school.'

Dd was give a massively difficult project for her age in yr4. It was far too involved and the homework spec seemed aimed at students at least 3 yrs older imo. Poss senior age group.

I did go and have a word with the school who were spectacularly uninterested. Then I got it. The parents were supposed to ahem..'help'. They certainly helped all right.

They ended up with some impressive projects to show off in the school foyer but how much had been done by the pupils themselves was highly dubious. That includes my own dd for which I make no apology.

After night upon night of her sobbing, worrying and staring blankly at piles of books wondering how on earth to assemble the darn thing I 'helped' her. If they weren't going to play fair, why should I?

SpringHeeledJack · 07/12/2010 17:47

I HE two of my dcs, and am (sort of) rigorous

but I did no homework with any of mine at primary age, unless they asked me to. I used to spend time with them, but not doing homework

I'll help ds, who's in Y9, and give him a nudge to do it, but I utterly, totally believe that years 1-6 should have no formal work to do at home at all

abenstille · 07/12/2010 17:48

YANBU

Dexterrocks · 07/12/2010 17:48

I think sometimes it depends on the time allowed for the dcs to complete their homework. Once you have more than one dc you can have quite a schedule of music lessons, swimming lessons etc after school. If the teacher issues homework on a Monday to be returned on a Friday, or gives a longer period of time for a piece to be completed then yes, we do have time.
However, if a piece is issued to be returned the next day and you have a music lesson, followed by a swimming lesson, a bath, tea to eat and animals to feed it can be tricky to have so little notice.
The parent is then left with the awkward dilemma of missing a lesson which is also important to the child and also teaches commitment OR staying up late to complete the piece and therefore struggling with the next day at school OR not doing the piece and writing a letter to the teacher explaining that you are happy to do the piece but need a longer time frame to complete it.

JJ17 · 07/12/2010 17:49

My DS2 is 11 and has dyslexia and needs help with every scrap of h/w. It often takes us 2 hours a night. We hate it and it is making him hate school.

He refuses to go to school without all the h/w done so we slog through it but I resent it a lot, as does he.

I could watch a nature programme with him or chat to him or something but no - bloody triangles!

I hate h/w and think it should all stay at school and leave us in peace.

MsFox · 07/12/2010 17:50

Fiddledee - We leave at 8.15am. We wake at 7.15 and I need to feed wash and dress DC1 and DC2, next year I will have another to do the same with. I couldn't see it ever being an option in the morning. We're lucky though...there are 16 in his class, although he doesn't seem to do much one to one reading at school.

staranise · 07/12/2010 17:57

Well, try my typical evening. I have three DCs, a 6 & a 4 year old, and a 2 year old. Four nights a week we do something after school, which means we get in around 5.30-6pm. The children then have to eat/wash/wind down.
I find homework difficult to do because (a) my children are young enough that they need help with what are often difficult tasks (b) I can only supervise the homework of one child at a time because it demands a lot of my attention (c) the other children tend to demand my attention when I'm trying to eg, hear DC1 read and (d) they are old enough for after-school activities but young enought to need an early bedtime which leaves little time for homework. We get round this by doing lots of homework at the weekend or in the mornings when possible (when DH is more around) or waiting til DH gets home at 7ish so he can deal with two of the children or not doing something else eg, bath or bedtime story.

But given time restraints I can completely understand how families struggle to complete homework, specially when nowadays it often involves making something or looking up something on the computer or ridiculous amounts for KS1 eg, 3 reading books/spelling/project work. Why would this be difficult to understand? Do you really think that parents are ignoring homework in favour of washing floors?

biryani · 07/12/2010 18:11

I think parents are being held to ransom by schools guilt-tripping us. Surely homework, if there is any, should be done by the child, not the parent, otherwise it's cheating, right? And why should parents be involved in schools at all? This is a fairly recent phenomenon, and definitely wasn't the norm when I was a child (ok, some time ago...) but no-one seems to be any the worse for a lack of parental involvement and most of us seem to have devloped into reasonable citizens, so why the angst?

CheerfulYank · 07/12/2010 18:25

That's the thing, if the child doesn't get a question and the parents give him or her the answer, the teacher assumes the child gets the concept, when he/she doesn't.

Dexterrocks · 07/12/2010 18:28

I used to be a teacher (secondary) in another life.

I had a very amusing conversation with a parent (who was also a friend of my dad's) who complained that his ds was not getting enough homework from me.

The pupils had h/w diaries which I checked as they filled them in. The issue I had written down to raise with him was that his son was not completing h/w tasks I had issued.

ledkrsbellyislikesantas · 07/12/2010 18:32

I too had to reduce my hours when dcs went to school,i found it far easier when they were babies and at nursery.To be fair tho my ds3 diod a lot of after school activities ie dancing and he has gone on to be a sucessfull dancer and never was acedemic and dd is going thje same way but we always complete homework.It often sleep i find difficult to fit in as dd needs a lot of it and its hard to ge those early nights in.

staranise · 07/12/2010 18:54

But this "homework being done by the child" doesn't really apply to early years - of course, it is my 4 year old who completes her handwriting sheets but, given that she can't read well, I need to read the instructions, explain them to her, supervise that she's doing it correctly. She's also reluctant to do homework and therefore likely to stop unless I'm actually sitting next to her.
DD1 is 6 and often has to do stuff like write a diary - for this, I again need to check the instructions, talk it through with her, give her spellings etc, make sure she's written enough. If I left her to do it entirely by herself then it
wouldn't get done at all or would not be completed anywhere near like it should be. This is not me being overly attentive - it is the minimum our school (bog-standard state BTW) expects and yes, we have the curriculum and homework meetings/letters home to remind us of this.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/12/2010 19:09

My DC only have homework once a week, so we can do it at the weekend and it is fine. I wouldn;t be at all happy if they had it more frequently, or had to do it during the week. They do lots of other things that I think are far more important than worksheets - cubs/beavers, instrument lessons, dancing. And playing. And reading. I was always pretty slack with the reading book practice too TBH, but never with actual reading for fun.

didldidi · 07/12/2010 19:31

yes I don't understand the "homework being done by the child" either. My seven year old can't read all the instructions,and would have no interest in doing it if not pushed every step of the way. The parents have to sign an agreement saying that this will be done.

otchayaniye · 07/12/2010 19:33

what's a 'bub' ?

ReindeerBollocks · 07/12/2010 19:42

I don't want DS to have homework but he's crap at handwriting so we try to practice that but we don't always manage. Hence he is still behind - but what his teacher doesn't take into account is that on top of a normal day he has a hell of a lot on at home and often doesn't want to add to that. DS is 7 FWIW.

I second that homework shouldn't be compulsory before high school.

classydiva · 07/12/2010 19:45

My kids were capable enough to do their homework on their own, the majority of the time they done it at the child minders anyway.

If they did need help with anything which was as rare as a decent fella, they asked and I helped.

I used to read with them when they were little in infants, after that they were more than capable of doing it themselves.

I did put together a project for my son when he was 13, he got a headmasters commendation for it. Pah, I done it all.

ReindeerBollocks · 07/12/2010 19:46

I also agree that teaching doesn't start and end with homework sheets. There is so much more to be discovered by the real world especially between the ages of 4-10.

lilyliz · 07/12/2010 19:54

don't know howmuch homework schools send out now but I used to put telly off at 6 and sit withDS to help if he needed it (spelling etc)About half an hour would do it and all I missed was the local news,come secondary school it was out of my league with latin essays,algebra geometry etc but I felt it was too much as he could be at it for 3 hours a night which was a long school day.

undercovasanta · 07/12/2010 20:26

My DD is 4yo. She is in school from 8am to 3.20pm, and is SHATTERED when she gets home. I work school hours so could (in theory) do hw with her in the afternoon/evening. She gets 2 books a week, phonics and writing sheets (too much IMO).

By the time we get in and DD and DS have a snack and drink, talk about day and put bags and coats away its getting on for 4.15-4.30. DS and DD then like to play together as they have been apart all day. Dinner is at 5, and then DH comes home and spends time with DCs (DD is too tired by this time to do any hw anyway). DD is in bed between 6.30 and 6.45.

We TRY to fit in a few minutes straight before tea, but this is usually disrupted by DS wanting to join in, and DD not paying attention cos she wants to play with DS or is hungry.

Its not about getting housework done instead (I wish!) its about doing the essentials (cooking tea, bathing etc) and spending time as a family and winding down.

DastardlyandSmugly · 07/12/2010 20:58

Thanks GOML you have made me feel better - the working mum's guilt is something I browbeat myself with a lot.

I agree with others who have said how shattering a school day is for young children - DS is exhausted even without the extra stuff he has to do because of my long working day.

MumNWLondon · 07/12/2010 21:15

I am totally naive as it never occured to me until now that some people washed the floor or did ironing while they were looking after their kids. Do the kids just sit there an watch - or read their reading books while the mum is ironing?

I work part-time and my kids have had a lunchtime sleep until aged 2.5 when they started nursery so it wouldn't occur to me to do cleaning etc when looking after kids - maybe when looking after the baby as he is happy to watch, but not after school.

tethersjinglebellend · 07/12/2010 21:22

Homework for children is a complete waste of time.

Unless the homework is cleaning the floors.

Have a word with the teacher; problem solved.

GetOrfMoiLand · 07/12/2010 21:23

No don't go down the working mother guilt route dastardly, that's a mug's game Grin

Mind you I felt guilty for probably the first 10 years of dd's life.

But don't. And I didn't worrry about completing the worksheets, I thought they were utterly pointless and just an exercise in box ticing on the part of the teachers.

I was delighted when I moved away and dd went to a school which had a zero homework policy (a very highly rated primary fwiw).

And like I said, dd was not affected in the transition to primary, net result is that she plans her own homework effectively becauae she still enjoys it - enthusisam for homework wasn't drummed out of her because she spent 6 years at primary school having to complete dull and pointless sheets.