Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh has date for vasectomy, I don't want any more children, but AIBU to feel so sad.

53 replies

FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/12/2010 20:58

As the title suggests, Dh got date in for 2 weeks time.

I don't want any more children, we have 2, & i suffered terribly with hyperemisis in both pregnancies.

I can't take the pill, it sends me mad, don't want a coil etc.. so dh decided he would have the snip, said it was only fair after I have two babies & terrible sickness.

But now the letter has arrived I feel so so so so upset :( It is for the same date that my sister is having her baby delivered by section.

I don't think I want any more babies... I am almost 33, DH is 35 & says he doesn't want anymore either...but I dunno.

I think I am being very childish, I cried today when a mum was BFing her baby in a M&S cafe.... Dh was all flustered, didn't know what to do with me, I pretended there was something in my eye Blush

We don't want anymore children... our family in complete.... but I hate the thought of it never ever being a possibility again.

I am so so confused.

Is this normal?

Please go easy on me... My children are 9 & 6, we've been married 13 years & I love my Dh to bits :) I love him so much, I don't ever want him to have to go through this if I'm going to regret it :(

I don't want to regret it, but how do I come to terms with what's best for our little family?

OP posts:
Blatherskite · 04/12/2010 21:07

My DH went for his this afternoon.

Our family is definitely complete but I was still in tears and really anxious this morning. I nearly made him cancel it.

I hope think it's normal. :)

ItalianLady · 04/12/2010 21:08

Dh had his done and I still hope for a surprise baby Hmm.

What you feel is perfectly normal.

notnowbernard · 04/12/2010 21:09
Blush

But will send you sympathy first. Hope you're ok Smile

Sidge · 04/12/2010 21:11

I think it's entirely normal to feel like this.

My DH had a vasectomy and even though I know it's absolutely the right thing for us to do I still have the odd moment of sadness when I realise I'll never be pregnant or have a baby again. Even though we don't want any more children the fact that it's not even an option is weird! (well not with him anyway LOL)

I think it's the realisation to having to face up to the fact that an era has ended, a phase of your life has passed and is over. You have to try and focus on the next stage, ie raising the lovely children that you have.

And the bonus of rampant, spontaneous sex without having to worry about contraception is great!

LolaBellsAllTheWay · 04/12/2010 21:13

Oh I feel for you, DP went for his GP referral appt 8 months ago, we're still waiting for the date but I know I'll be a mess when it comes through (i'm hoping that they've forgot).

My SIL came round yesterday to show us her 20 week scan pic and I actually had to leave the room as I was getting emotional. I pretended I was off to make a cuppa!

I would love more but physically and financially it isn't a wise decision!

I don't think it's an easy decision for many woman to make to stop having children.

Curiousmama · 04/12/2010 21:13

Normal, I was the same although no crying but did feel sad. And there's no way I wanted anymore dcs.

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 21:14

I was sterilised, I cried siging the consent form, I cried in the pre-op room where the administer the general. They nearly refused to do it.

I am approaching 39, have 4 dc, our family is complete, I'm still incredibly sad.

So you sound completely normal to me.

Dh too is avoiding all conversations with regards to my sadness, it's clearly a bloke thing.

PanicMode · 04/12/2010 21:15

Perfectly normal to feel sad I think - I did even after having had counselling for an unplanned 4th baby following a contraceptive failure.

My brother's partner died of cancer on the day that DH went for his vasectomy, when I was about 3 months pregnant - I was in pieces about my brother's girlfriend, the baby, feeling guilty about being pregnant and not wanting the baby, but equally was terrified of losing it, and almost made DH cancel, even though I knew I was being irrational; I think I just realised how precious life is.

Cherish the two beautiful children you have - I count my (4) blessings every day, but recognise that what you are feeling is totally normal.

Alouiseg · 04/12/2010 21:15

Can I just say, rather flippantly but genuinely, give it a couple of months and get a dog. It's not for everyone but it has cured my maternal longings and its far easier than a child.

...and enjoy the wild abandoned sex like never before.

oooggs · 04/12/2010 21:16

it is normal. DH had his about 5 weeks ago and we are totally complete with 4 children and are now in the waiting period to get rid of the reserves Blush and so the samples in mid & late January, but I felt dreadful and wondered if we were doing the right thing

cupofcoffee · 04/12/2010 21:17

I know what you mean. We are done having chidren and thought about vasectomy but the 'never' makes me feel very uncomfortable. It is the thought of having the choice taken away and making it a complete never that scares me, just in case I change my mind in future.

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 04/12/2010 21:18

YANBU. I sobbed when DH texted me to say the deed was done.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/12/2010 21:21

phew... I thought I was going to get flamed!

We do have a dog - we got one the time DH started inquiring about the vasectomy - it was either a dog or a baby :) And we all love her to bits.

Thank-you all for making me feel normal :)

Have had a little bit too much wine tonight (and it's thw TOTM which makes me feel even more sad & hormonal).

I don't want Dh to be cross with me if I start to cry & say I'm all mixed up (tbh he never would, he's a pet)..but it's his body & I don't want him to have an op to please me if Im going to go all girly on him :(

OP posts:
Hassledge · 04/12/2010 21:21

I think you're too young to make such a decision. Can you not just use condoms? If you feel so bad, cancel the appointment.

I felt teary too, but then I was 40 and had 4 DCs - I absolutely knew it was the right thing to do. It was different. You're young, still. I think you should put it off.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/12/2010 21:23

cupofcoffee, thats exactly it.

I come from a massiver family, loads of children, lots of little 'happy accidents' etc... but dh has just one sister... My family would be outraged if they knew me & dh were thinking of this... huge catholic family. Dh isn't... he just thinks it will save him money on condoms Wink (joke)

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 04/12/2010 21:26

Fairhaired - I also suffered with horrendous hyperemesis in both pregnancies (hospitalised, on a drip, lost loads of weight, medicated to the eyeballs etc.). I would dearly have liked another baby, but I know that I couldn't go through the physical and mental ordeal again. So DH made a decision for us both, and I am eternally grateful. If you are not entirely sure that this is the right decision, let your DH know.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/12/2010 21:27

Hassledge, we were using condoms. Have been since ds was born 6 years ago.

We just wanted to have sex without having to stop to put one on :(

So we thought the snip was the answer...but God does my heart break at the thought of it.. and deep down I don't think I want him to do it.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 04/12/2010 21:30

You seriously have to consider the what ifs, what if something happens to your dc - to not have to option to try for another baby is tough (or you have to pay for IVF).

What if you split, meet someone else.

Harsh questions but you really have to be sure.

Blatherskite · 04/12/2010 21:33

I don't think you're too young. I'm 32, DH is 33, DS is almost 4 and DD is 11 months - but we're done. We want no more. Why wait?

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/12/2010 21:34

We have had the conversation cargirl, he said he didn't want children with anyone else, even if we did split (I know we have to think aboiut that but we've been together since I was 17 & i totally adore him, & he's the same, so kind, so decent & genuine).

When I was pg with ds I spent months in hosp on a drip... it wouldn't be fair on the two we already have if I was to get pg again & be hospitalised :(

I have recently lost 4 stone, so for extremely selfish reasons I don't want to be pregnant again...but I could just sob at the thought of never having the choice.

I am aware that I am so so contrary, but I guess I just need to be sure before I sit my darling dh down & have another conversation.

It's not all about me, he has wants too & he doesn't want anymore children.

OP posts:
MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 04/12/2010 21:38

DH had his done a couple of weeks ago. Was a bit sad and went with him to appointment. Unfortunately fainted dead away whilst he was having it done Blush. Haven't felt sad since and our new puppy is arriving on Monday Grin

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 21:42

I have told dh if he ever gets anyone else up the duff I will chop his penis off as I would probably gone on having more and more babies. Fortunately he is more sensible than me.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 04/12/2010 21:44

I know what you mean, slightly different reason for us. We have had the choice of more children taken from us really, but still delaying op Confused

Hassledge · 04/12/2010 21:51

You're right that this is about what he wants too, but it's a huge decision that affects you both - you could both be feeling differently re more DCs in 5 years time, and you'd still be plenty young enough for more. You have to both be completely sure, and one of you clearly isn't. There's no rush - give it another year and rethink it then.

borderslass · 04/12/2010 21:53

I felt the same after I was sterilised only wanted 2 children but when DS was 5 months old my pill failed and as a result had DD2 who's now 15 best thing I did, theres no way we would of coped with any more.