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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh has date for vasectomy, I don't want any more children, but AIBU to feel so sad.

53 replies

FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/12/2010 20:58

As the title suggests, Dh got date in for 2 weeks time.

I don't want any more children, we have 2, & i suffered terribly with hyperemisis in both pregnancies.

I can't take the pill, it sends me mad, don't want a coil etc.. so dh decided he would have the snip, said it was only fair after I have two babies & terrible sickness.

But now the letter has arrived I feel so so so so upset :( It is for the same date that my sister is having her baby delivered by section.

I don't think I want any more babies... I am almost 33, DH is 35 & says he doesn't want anymore either...but I dunno.

I think I am being very childish, I cried today when a mum was BFing her baby in a M&S cafe.... Dh was all flustered, didn't know what to do with me, I pretended there was something in my eye Blush

We don't want anymore children... our family in complete.... but I hate the thought of it never ever being a possibility again.

I am so so confused.

Is this normal?

Please go easy on me... My children are 9 & 6, we've been married 13 years & I love my Dh to bits :) I love him so much, I don't ever want him to have to go through this if I'm going to regret it :(

I don't want to regret it, but how do I come to terms with what's best for our little family?

OP posts:
ThoseArtisticTypes · 04/12/2010 21:54

I was in the same situation as OP, was dreadfully ill in pregnancy with Hyperemesis and many other conditions. He had the snip and it was the biggest regret ever. Six years later he had a reversal but so far we still cannot get pregnant. It was the worst mistake of my life. The fact you're having doubts tells you that you shouldn't be doing it!

Rudolphsnose · 04/12/2010 22:10

Thank God it's not just me! Dh and I decided on a vasectomy months ago, but every time he mentions a GP appointment I get all teary. We have 4 DC and are certain we don't want anymore, and yet and yet

Alouiseg · 04/12/2010 22:19

You can always put some sperm on ice. Dh had his vasectomy 6 years ago and we froze some due to ds2's poor health.

Glad we did it, I'm 41 now and will be defrosting this year.

BonniePrinceBilly · 04/12/2010 22:24

I have 3 boys and quite honestly would consider topping myself if I discovered I was pregnant again. I'm still very sad and ambivalent about DH's upcoming vasectomy though. I'm, allergic to condoms though and am sick to death of hormones so it looks like its going ahead soon.

newwave · 04/12/2010 22:28

It's the end of an era and I fully understand how you feel, my boys are 19 and 23 and i still miss them being young boys.

seanbonbon · 04/12/2010 22:30

A lot of people said the same to me when my DH had the snip couple of months ago(youre too young ,what if something happens to one of your kids?) I am 33 and have three chidren. Also was seriously ill last year which cemented the decision.
Yes I may be relatively young but I have THREE children and that is certainly my limit.Grin
As for something happening to one of my children my feeling was that I just couldn't 'replace' them. I know thats not how everyone feels, thats just me.
I did and do feel slightly sad but the thought of another pregnancy makes me feel even worse and I feel like i am doing the best for the kids that I have now by making the choice not to have any more.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/12/2010 22:37

Yea, I don't feel I could replace a child either, that's very sad to have to think like that :(

But to never have the decision again - that's sad too :(

OP posts:
cupofcoffee · 04/12/2010 22:56

That is interesting Alouiseg. Have you had to pay for the sperm storage in those circumstances? I know they offer sperm storage for men who are about to undergo some sort of treatment that will affect their fertility but never thought of it in relation to vasectomy before you mentioned it.

CaptainHaddock · 04/12/2010 23:09

It sounds to me like you're really not ready to make this decision yet. I also had hyperemesis with my two pregnancies and we don't want any more children. My DH arranged to have the snip, but when the appointment came through I asked him not to go ahead. It just felt too 'final' and I didn't want to have any regrets.

My feeling is don't rush into it if your instinct is telling you otherwise. Good luck!

forehead · 04/12/2010 23:18

My dh had the snip two weeks ago. I have three young children and really don't want anymore, but i felt really sad about the whole thing and i really don't know why.
I'm glad i'm not the only one who feels this way.

Domesticsluttess · 04/12/2010 23:21

My dh is planning one. We have three dc.

I think when he has it done I will be sad about the babies that we could have had...

But I will be happy for the sex that we can have.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 04/12/2010 23:38

Thank you for this thread!

OH is booked in for his op in a couple of weeks.

I asked him to have it done and he agreed (with undignified haste I think).

I have just had DC5. He is nearly 8mths old. I know if there is a slight possiblity of having another one I will be yearning for a baby and possibly prg again soon Shock

It would be stupid to have more. We have a little house, OH has a disability, DS2 also has disabilities, I am 43 etc etc etc etc.

But I am on permabrood and will always want more. So one more wouldnt be enough. Its got to stop!

But I know I will sob like a loon when he has it done.

Kaloki · 04/12/2010 23:45

It's understandable. My best friend's DH had the snip a few years back, they've never ever wanted kids, but she was still a little upset. It's a weird one isn't it?

DilysPrice · 04/12/2010 23:46

I felt that way, but ignored it and it went away, because I knew in my heart that two children was right for us. It is normal, but I don't know how you can tell whether it's the normal hardwired broodiness, or whether you should be reconsidering.

ThoseArtisticTypes · 05/12/2010 01:04

Freezing sperm does not guarantee success!

girlsyearapart · 05/12/2010 01:27

We have 3 and are ttc number 4.
Dh will have it done after the 4th if we are lucky enough to have a 4th that is.
When Dh asked the gp about it they said it is very difficult getting it done on the nhs now.
Have other people found this??
OP- maybe you should delay a bit if youre feeling doubtful?

Bobthebreadcrust · 05/12/2010 03:04

my dh got it done quickly and routinely on NHS.
I was 30 (2 ears ago)at the time and our second dc was nearly one.

That was enough for us. Both felt we had to count our blessings that we had two healthy children and mostly trouble free pregnancies. We just felt our family was complete and like I said 'blessed' to have them.

Like another poster I still do feel sad about the children I will never have, think sometimes what names I would have chosen, what they would have looked like etc...

I also remind myself that wanting a 'baby' doesn't last and that 'baby' grows into a child and then stroppy teenager, so that puts things in perspective a little! Grin

I also remember the waiting days for 'reserve results' and hoping that somehow a last minute miracle baby would happen!It never did and one sample was still contained some swimmers! Not strong enough though!

Now enjoying my time with my two children and cherishing them....others are not so lucky.

ontariomama · 05/12/2010 05:37

My hubby had it done after our second was born. Our families were shocked, as we were only 21, but we knew we couldn't afford more children (at least not for a very long time) and I'm the kind of girl that gets pregnant if you stare deeply into my eyes : ) It was hard, and I cried many times leading up to it. I worried he would regret it, or blame me. What if I died, and he remarried? What if we divorced? What ifs can go forever, but they don't answer anything. Feeling blue is normal anytime we pass a stage. We cry when our kids graduate, when they move out, when ever they pass a life marker. It is ok to do that for yourself too. Have a good cry. It is normal to have doubts, it would be worrying if you were totaly flip about it. Then take some time to plan how to handle baby news. If you decide to go though with it, that will be the time 6 friends show up pregnant : ) It is harsh to start with, but gets easier over time. We don't regret it, and it has been 10 years since : )

GotArt · 05/12/2010 06:46

At this point, I can't wait for DH to be snipped. He agrees even. We are having our second at 38 though and neither of us feel we could manage a third. There is the option, albeit expensive probably, but an option nonetheless, of having his sperm frozen. That might ease the absoluteness of it. It is reversible too now, am I right? Not sure what that would entail for the bloke though. (ouch emoticon)

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/12/2010 09:26

My OH got his appointment within a month Shock

So no trouble on the NHS there! Not sure if its the same all over the country. Maybe its because he is a 40+ disabled bloke who already has 5 kids Smile

emy72 · 05/12/2010 10:36

My DH had it done when DD2 was 4 months old. She is our fourth child and we are adamant we don't want anymore children.

However i have felt pretty sad all the way through the process. Is that final type feeling - it's not rational but I think it's fairly normal..!!

I hope you are ok. These decisions are never easy...

ModreB · 05/12/2010 11:03

No, totally normal. I felt the same when I had my mirena replaced in October . I felt very down for a few days, but know in my heart it was the right decision.

Big hugs.

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 05/12/2010 11:27

DH had his vasectomy within 6 weeks of going to the GP. He was 33, and I was 31 when it was done. Our GP understood how ill I had been during my pregnancies, and that another pregnancy was unlikely to end in a live birth. He practically cheered when DH told him we'd made our decision Grin It was absolutely the right thing in our case, but I still had to grieve for the baby I couldn't have. It really depends on your circumstances.

mummysmadhouse · 05/12/2010 12:19

I know how you feel(i think) op. We are too trying to decide whether dh should get the snip..we have 3 dcs..4, 2 and 8mth. Love them to bits but have found the jump to 3hard and worry that if we had more the strain could be too much.

My head says 3is enough for us hence snip BUT my heart says one more then snip!

Do you ever know for sure? Or always doubtful? I feel i would know for sure if i was preg with no4 Dh would be booked in b4 baby arrives..but there is a tiny (dangerous) voice in my head saying one more baby! Confused

ItalianLady · 05/12/2010 12:48

It was more dh wanting the snip than me and he had it done when our 3rd child was 1. From initial appointment to the snip was 3 months. If it had been up to me we probably would have had more but i know dh did the right thing for us all as a family.

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