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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter calling me mummy

56 replies

sparklymacaroons · 03/12/2010 21:40

This is my first post so please don't flame me!

Am just looking for opinions.

DSD aged 8 lives with me and DH at the weekends, we also have 2 sons. She lives with her mum and her partner during the week. I have heard her referring to her SD as dad, and more so have seen emails from him to her where he calls himself dad. I feel this is quite disrespectful to my DH - I would never, ever call myself DSD's mummy though I love her very much, as she already has a mummy.

Anyway I had a big chat with her tonight and she said she would like to call me mummy and her DSD daddy.

I just said we would have a proper chat about it and that of course she could call me what she wanted but that she does only have one mummy and that that is very special. Basically a part of me just feels that calling two people mummy and two people daddy is not healthy and ultimately confusing...also, I know this is going to break my DH's heart, hearing her ask if she can call someone else daddy. I feel so upset for DSD as I know she finds the whole situation (even though her parents split when she was a baby and both couples have been together since she was about 2)very confusing and difficult. I don't want to tell her she can't call me mummy but feel that it is not right somehow as she has a mummy, and same for her stepdad.

I also feel annoyed at her SD for calling himself dad without consulting my DH and asking if he minds - he is already quite disrespectful of my DH and regularly disciplines DSD in front of DH, in our home, telling her to LISTEN and BEHAVE HERSELF - we haven't said anything about it to them (yet).

I know DSD comes first and we all have to put our feelings aside, but isn't it better that she calls us some other special name?

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 03/12/2010 21:42

No advice apart from I agree with you.

booyhohoho · 03/12/2010 21:45

i think it's up to the child really. if she is most comfortable calling you mummy then i woul let her.

Ewe · 03/12/2010 21:48

It might just be a phase, I went through a phase of calling my SD Daddy when I was about that age but it didn't last long before I reverted to calling him "first name".

I don't really recall why I did it, I think it's because I had a new sibling come along and wanted to feel like I was the same. How old are your sons?

christmasheave · 03/12/2010 21:49

Hi, Sparklymacaroons. Hope this stays lovely, but it can get hairy for SPs in AIBU. Check out the step parenting board if it does. There's some good threads on there about what children call step parents - my DBD calls me by my name.

curlymama · 03/12/2010 21:51

I'd suggest that she calls you MummySparklyMacaroons if she insists, but otherwise I would encourage he to call you and her DSD by your names. This is something all four adults need to agree on though andbe consistent with. If her Mum continues to allow dd to call her DSD Daddy, then she can't complain when you get called Mummy.

tinselthechaffinch · 03/12/2010 21:55

Interesting, DS went through a stage of calling DH 'Dad' round about the time DD was born.

We went along with it, but it didn't stick and now he's back to calling him by his first name. No fuss or drama was made about any of it.

Pinkieminx · 03/12/2010 22:01

Better for who? If she wants to call you it, I would let her. She knows who her mummy is, calling someone else mummy will not alter that.

DSD tells me I'm the best mummy, she loves me, etc. She knows who her mummy is. All children find seperate parents with new partners confusing. In an ideal world it wouldn't be that way but why make an issue of it.

SMulledwineS · 03/12/2010 22:06

Your welcome to join us on the step-parenting forum..

As the others have said, let her call you what she feels she wants too.. it is honestly less confusing for the child that way. If they understand that they have a really mum and dad and an extra mum and dad then thats ok.

I get annoyed when the step parent 'pretends' they are they're real parent as my DBD's step dad does on most occasions!!

FunkySnowSkeleton · 03/12/2010 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigitigi · 03/12/2010 22:28

I'd let the poor girl call you what she wants - it is her choice.

I think both her parents, you and DH's exes other half have done a great job if she is comfortable with you all and loves you all enough to do this.

duchesse · 03/12/2010 22:34

I agree with you OP, but I feel that she is trying to express her feelings for her two stepparents (clearly you have had a very "good" divorce and reformation of families)- that she loves and respects as parents to her is very...flattering, I suppose, for want of a better word. Maybe you could have a chat with her and agree that she will call you a special name that you can both agree on that isn't your name (used by everyone) nor Mummy (used for her birth mother), to make your relationship special. If she agrees to this and you go ahead with it, maybe it will make her think about what she will call her stepfather.

enabledebra · 03/12/2010 22:42

I remember when I was a child being told to call my step grandparent 'uncle'. I did this as instructed but called him grandad one day (unintentionally- just because that's who he was to me.) I was corrected and my Grandad cried (he never cried- it was a shock.) My Grandma leapt to our mutual defence and said 'uncle' made him feel like the 'bloody lodger'. I called him grandad forever after that. I was happy he was happy and I don't care if anyone else was happy- it was OUR relationship and up to us how we defined it.

Boys2mam · 03/12/2010 22:52

I really feel for the poor children who are trying to decide who to call what.

My DS1 calls his father and I "Mam" and "Dad", our respective partners (as we are now divorced and happily resettled/married) by their first names and his "traditional" grandparents Grandma and Grandpa. He has these plus my DP's parents who he has asked to call Grandma Christian Name and Grandpa Christian Name plus his 3 uncles plus 3 step uncles. PLUS, all their partners. Then his Dads new wifes sisters. Get the picture?????

A "normal" size family quadruples in size....

....However, the title of Mummy is sacred and should be shared with no-one, no matter the history.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 03/12/2010 22:54

I think it's her choice.

My mum died when I was 22, and my dad remarried when I was 25 or 26.

I am, of course, patently clear who my mum is, but feel to always discuss "dad and stepmum" with people who don't one or both, or "dad and {stepmum's name} is so longwinded and daft.

But, her ADULT children went schizoid at me when I casually called them "my parents" one Christmas. Bugger off - it's my dad and his wife!!!

I think your DBD is being very mature in not having an issue with having more than one mummy and daddy. When there are some kids in this world, for whatever reason, whose parents are not good parents or are no longer around, having a bonus mummy and a bonus daddy who both love you is a privilege.

classydiva · 03/12/2010 22:54

Im of the opinion and always have been children only get one set of parents, not two, thus only have one mum and one dad.

When I got married my children were 7 and 2.5 the youngest started calling my husband Dad, but we told him to call him by his name as he only had one dad.

Boys2mam · 03/12/2010 22:57

Daddy too. If the child feels the need to transfer this moniker to anyone else (as, lets face it its a title they don't understand unless taught?) its something that needs understood .

maighdlin · 03/12/2010 23:10

i think its nice and shows you the respect and feelings she has for you, you clearly mean a lot to her. she seems to have a nice positive outlook on things her natural parents split but she is looking on the positive of getting another "mummy" and "daddy" to love her.

maybe she is just young and does not understand the significance of mummy or daddy. if it makes you uncomfortable try and find a special nickname.

edam · 03/12/2010 23:16

choosing a special nickname sounds like the best compromise.

Maybe she's using Mummy as a job title? When she is with you, you are in the Mummy role. But that doesn't make you her Mummy - she already has one of those.

Have to say, if (God forbid) dh and I ever split up, I would be furious if some other woman started calling herself ds's Mummy. Or allowed ds to call her Mummy. (Equally wouldn't dream of allowing a new partner to call himself ds's Daddy.)

fedupofnamechanging · 03/12/2010 23:29

Sorry if this is an obvious question, but what is DBD?

greenbananas · 03/12/2010 23:32

I agree that 'Mummy' and 'Daddy are sacred titles and I think you're extremely wise to be feeling uncomfortable about your DSD making these decisions when she is still so young.

My sisters and I were required by our mum to call our stepdad 'Dad', and our 'real' dad was very badly hurt by that. Also, it has backfired rather badly now that we are adults...

'Special names' are a great idea.

edam · 03/12/2010 23:40

How about Sparklymummy (obv. using your RL first name)? Or is that still too close? Just thinking, when I was little, a friend's parents insisted on the kids calling them by their first names. This confused the hell out of every other child in the small Yorkshire village - couldn't deal with it At All, so we all used to call her Dad 'Peterdaddy'.

newwave · 03/12/2010 23:53

My friends SD calls her Mummy Jane. Her real mother does not object at all and said to my friend it's wonderful for her to have two mums who both love her.

A very special person her real mother, she has my utmost respect.

Clothilde · 04/12/2010 00:04

If she's been living with her stepdad during the week for the past 6 years since she was 2, then she probably does think of him as her dad, just as much as she does her biological dad. If she wants to call him "daddy", then I don't see why she shouldn't. I think there's a big difference between coming into someone's life when they are an older child and when they are a baby or toddler, and if you raise a child from infancy, then you are their parent whether or not you are biologically related to them. If she didn't want to call him daddy, then she shouldn't, but if it's something that is coming from her, then I think that the grown-up think to do is to accept that she does have two daddies and two mummies and that that can be a really good thing.

DirtyMartini · 04/12/2010 00:04

I wondered too, karmabeliever. Thought it might be a typo but two posters have used it.

LadyGolden · 04/12/2010 00:12

Love is love! I think if she wants to call you mum you should feel:

privileged that a lovely little person thinks of you so highly
Proud of yourself that you have been so obviously caring that she feels the need to re fare to you so highly!!

I do think the SD should of discussed it with your DH but then again it could have opened a big can of worms if he disagreed with her derision to call him that. I do think you should agree,accept and smile about this! I'm also sure she doesn't want to be differnt from her siblings.

Such a big step good luck!!

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