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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter calling me mummy

56 replies

sparklymacaroons · 03/12/2010 21:40

This is my first post so please don't flame me!

Am just looking for opinions.

DSD aged 8 lives with me and DH at the weekends, we also have 2 sons. She lives with her mum and her partner during the week. I have heard her referring to her SD as dad, and more so have seen emails from him to her where he calls himself dad. I feel this is quite disrespectful to my DH - I would never, ever call myself DSD's mummy though I love her very much, as she already has a mummy.

Anyway I had a big chat with her tonight and she said she would like to call me mummy and her DSD daddy.

I just said we would have a proper chat about it and that of course she could call me what she wanted but that she does only have one mummy and that that is very special. Basically a part of me just feels that calling two people mummy and two people daddy is not healthy and ultimately confusing...also, I know this is going to break my DH's heart, hearing her ask if she can call someone else daddy. I feel so upset for DSD as I know she finds the whole situation (even though her parents split when she was a baby and both couples have been together since she was about 2)very confusing and difficult. I don't want to tell her she can't call me mummy but feel that it is not right somehow as she has a mummy, and same for her stepdad.

I also feel annoyed at her SD for calling himself dad without consulting my DH and asking if he minds - he is already quite disrespectful of my DH and regularly disciplines DSD in front of DH, in our home, telling her to LISTEN and BEHAVE HERSELF - we haven't said anything about it to them (yet).

I know DSD comes first and we all have to put our feelings aside, but isn't it better that she calls us some other special name?

OP posts:

LadyGolden · 04/12/2010 00:13

**decision

greenbananas · 04/12/2010 00:19

Clothilde makes a good point about children who grow up with step-parents from a very young age - but I still think the titles "Mummy" and "Daddy" are special and should not be treated at all lightly.

My little DS has a grown-up 18 year old friend who is distressingly confused about his relationships with the 2 people he calls 'Dad' (neither of whom is his actual father). Although I have some sympathy for his mum, I do think the whole thing could have been handled much more wisely...

Mspontipine · 04/12/2010 00:28

So what's DBD????

MrsvWoolf · 04/12/2010 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tomhardyismydh · 04/12/2010 00:37

I think you are right op but for dsd sake as she now has younger siblings its easier for her if she calls each parent in each houshold mummy and daddy as she fits in so much better than way. she isnt just the 'step/half sister' that way, she is inclusivly the very same as each of her siblings.

she is 8 and so knows exactly who is her blood parents but also appreciates who acts as a parent, she is very lucky to have such a wonderfull family and she knows that so just wants to express it.

Sarthrell · 04/12/2010 00:47

I'm guessing b for birth as opposed to s for step but willing to be corrected.

DreamTeamGirl · 04/12/2010 00:48

DBD is dear bonus daughter
Nicer than step the step parent boardies feel.

tomhardyismydh · 04/12/2010 00:49

b = bonus

Sarthrell · 04/12/2010 00:50

I always called my SD 'firstname' but referred to him and my mum as my parents. My SM was always 'firstname' always but I never lived with her. I thought that was pretty normal. Your mum and dad bought you into the world but your parents raise you.

DreamTeamGirl · 04/12/2010 00:51

Hiot enter too soon.

Oh and if your DBD lives with this man almost all the time and has done since she was 2 of course he will discipline her, its insane to suggest he shouldnt

As for getting worked up about what she calls, you well, I find it all quite odd. She sounds like a sweet little thing, who doesnt want to be confused with lots of extra titles and wants to call you something that means somethign to HER
Dont be precious about it. If my DS evetually deciodes to call his dad's new wife mummy so be it, I certainly shant get hysterical about it

Sarthrell · 04/12/2010 00:52

Oh bonus. Wish I'd felt like a bonus. However do like the positive terminology.

sayithowitis · 04/12/2010 00:54

I am not a step parent and my children do not have step parents, so I cannot speak from that point of view. However, I was a step-child, so I can offer an opinion based on my experiences as a step child. I was about 10 when my parents separated and divorced. They were each in new relationships fairly quickly after the separation and each went on to marry their new partners. I chose to call my step dad 'Dad' because he was the one who actually brought me up, he was the one who attended every parent evening, he was the one who was happy to be a taxi service for my DSis and I, regardless of the time or inconvenience to him, he was the one who made sure there was food on our table and clothes on our backs, and he loved us and treated us no differently than if we had been his biological children. OTOH, I never called my step mum 'mum', not because I had any thoughts that it was 'sacred', but because, quite simply, she did not treat us as anything other than a massive inconvenience in her life, one that she would rather did not exist. She was always referred to by her name.

In the case of this little girl, I would say go along with her wishes. She is the important one here. Whether you feel your DH should have been consulted or not is beside the point, she will call her step dad whatever she wants to.

It is not for the adults to make her feel that she is doing something wrong here. Be thankful that she is capable of loving you all and regards you all as special and equal in her life.

JJ17 · 04/12/2010 02:32

My DSD came to live with us when she was 12. My Dh had not seen her since she was 2.

I had a DS of my own and DH and I were 3 weeks off having a baby together. DH, now ex-DH left about a year later and DSD had no option but to stay with me. I was really confused, as I had never met her till she was 12. But the poor girl had no one but me and her brother and step brother.

What turned a corner for me was when talking to school they had said she had called me "mum" from day 1. I am sure it was just fear on her part but we are 10 years on and I am still all she has got. I have grown to love her like she was my own and we are a family.

Kitty81 · 04/12/2010 02:43

I'm a step child myself but was quite a bit older when my parents divorced, so my dads wife was always called by her name. It would have broken my mums heart to have heard us call sm anything else but her name... But there was animosity, and it was always complicated when we were at school explaining at length who x was when I called her by name. It always invited conversation.

My friend, who has 2 step kids, has a nice way of dealing with it. They call their mum and dad by mummy and daddy, and then they call my friend by mummy and her name together, like mummy Jane, for example. They still see my friend in a parenting role, people usually interpret it quite quickly, it makes them feel like a family unit with as much validity when they are together. The oldest is nearly 11 and he sometimes just uses her name now, but he's getting a bit older and it is his choice to do so. Could this work for you?

I'd advise a sit down, if possible, with you and your dh and his xp and her dh, and talk about how you all feel and what you would encourage ger to say, or wether you would just let her choose? Ime, the worst thing about having separated parents growing up were the times when they just wouldn't communicate properly about us and things which were quite solvable were allowed to become nuggets of resentment. Kids pick up on this, they really do. If your relationship with them is civil enough, be honest with all the parents involved. I think it could be percieved as quite lovely that she feels comfortable enough to use the terms mummy and daddy with all four of you. She must feel like a lucky girl with two mummies and two daddies who love her so much :)

GothAnneGeddes · 04/12/2010 05:31

Let her call you what she wants. Saying otherwise would create more trouble than its worth.

AllThreeWays · 04/12/2010 05:48

If you are only entitled to be called Mum or Dad if you contributed either a sperm or an egg, the adoptive parents, long term foster parents and gay parents are in a spot of trouble then aren't they.

Truckulent · 04/12/2010 06:56

Apart from adoptive etc. as mentioned above. In my opinion it is mum and Fred and Dad and Doris or whatever.

I would be devastated after all the love, care, the hard yards with illness and nappies for someone else to be called Dad I would feel like I was being marginalized.

Original poster

sparklymacaroons · 04/12/2010 07:59

Thanks everyone, some very helpful advice here.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 04/12/2010 08:45

Thank you to everyone who explained what DBD meant. I think that is a lovely way to describe the relationship.

I would encourage the little girl to say whatever she is most comfortable with. In this particullar situation, she has had step parents from a very young age, so feels that they are her parents too.

Original poster

sparklymacaroons · 04/12/2010 09:25

yes I like the term DBD too, it's nicer than step daughter.

OP posts:

mumbar · 04/12/2010 09:52

I agree with posters who say let her choose. My friends DBD calls her DH 'dad' and her SD 'dad' as he's been there since she was 18 months old. My ex-p does the same with his dad and SD.

My DS hasn't had ex-p living with him since 13 months, and hasn't seen him for nearly 4 yrs so I do expect 'if' I ever got married then he would see my new dP/DH as DAD. I wouldn't stop him calling him that either as long as he agreed.

edam · 04/12/2010 15:27

The stepdaughter doesn't live primarily with sparkly - she is there at weekends. And Sparkly hasn't said how long she's been around.

A step-parent who has been in your life since you were an infant and with whom you have your main residence is quite different from a partner who is acquired when a child is older.

I'm talking as a stepdaughter myself here - well, ex, my father and his second wife are divorced now.

I do think generally it is belittling the actual parents to allow a child to call a step-parent 'Mum' or 'Dad'. But of course there are exceptions, e.g. when one of the actual parents is no longer in the child's life, so the step-parent is the only 'Mum' or 'Dad' they have.

BertieBotts · 04/12/2010 15:42

Just from the other side - DS was 13 months when me and XP split up. XP now has a new gf, who has a DD (I'll call her A for this) and is pregnant with XP's baby. DS was asking about his dad the other day (He's 2) so as my HV recently suggested, I showed him some pictures (on facebook as that's the only pictures I have access to now). Of course there are pictures of the GF and her DD on there too. DS was happily chirping away "Daddy! A!" and then got to a picture of the GF and said "Mummy!" I was a bit confused and said "Yes that's A's Mummy, isn't it?" but he just looked at me gone out and said "No - Mummy!" :(

I didn't let DS know obviously, but I am a little bit gutted about this. I suppose it's just easier for them to go with that since that's obviously what A calls her, but I don't think it would be that hard to correct him, even if he called her Mummy-Name or something like that. Then again she was insisting she was his stepmother when they'd been together for about a month

kittykittykitty · 04/12/2010 15:45

Just to add because this happened to me as a child. I desperately wanted to call my parent's other halves mummy and daddy, but was disallowed. I hated it, and it created a clear divide between me and the step parents - I was clearly not their child. I really wanted to be as due to moving away and divorces I had lost a lot of my own family. I just wanted a mummy and daddy, I thought having extra in different houses would be amazing. I just wanted to know that they were there for me, as the title mummy or daddy suggests.

londonartemis · 04/12/2010 16:16

Sounds as if she loves you all and wants you all as mummy and daddy.
It makes her sound a lovely little girl who wants you all round her.
Maybe it would help if she added the first name of her step parents on to 'mummy' and 'daddy'.

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