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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to kill (or at least maim) DH?

23 replies

emskaboo · 03/12/2010 21:22

Ok, I am prepared to be told IABU but need to see the wood for thetrees before DH gets home.

Background;
We have an 11 week old DD (and an almost 3 year old DS). DD is exclusively breastfed but does take a bottle with ebm, though have never tried her with defrosted ebm. I had PND post DS, due to sleep deprivation (DH didn't do a single night waking until DS was 1 and only then because I lost the plot, he says I should have told him I needed help earlier, hmmmm....)

So last night DS wakes at 3, as I'm feeding DD and comes into our room, he gets into our bed and proceeds to chat and wriggle until I take him back to his bed and resettle him. DH claims he slept through all this. I'm exhausted today. DS isn't at preschool as it is closed so I have both DS and DD all day. DH works until 7 getting home mid bath/bed routine.

DH reminds me it is my mate's birthday drinks tonight and am I going? I say oh shit, I'd totally forgotten no milk expressed, (though loads in freezer) and I'm knackered. I say I'll go but DD really unsettled doesn't look like she's going to drop off. I decide given the buses stop running in 30mins and due to snow prob no cabs I'd best not go. DH then says he'll go, but I should have decided that earlier as buses about to running and leaves the house, leaving me with crying DD. (Who bless settles almost immediately once he left).

So AIBU to want to kill him?

Oh and so there's no stealth accusations, it was our fourth wedding anniversary yesterday, I got a card, as did he, nothing else.

Gosh sorry that's so long!

OP posts:
MimsyRogers · 03/12/2010 21:28

Sorry I think YABU. Ok, he's not being very emotionally intelligent, but he probably has no idea you would be upset. From his point of view, only you can settle DD as there is no milk ready, and you have effectively told him you don't want to go out. Sorry. You can be a bit grumpy if you like, but probably save the maiming for another time.

BluTac · 03/12/2010 21:28

He sounds rather selfish to say the least.

Boys2mam · 03/12/2010 21:30

YANBU

I am a firm believer in social lives beyond DC's, which works both ways.

I read something on mn only today - both parties have equal responsibilities and if yours daily duties extend past your "clock off" time it becomes his responsibility too - or something along those lines (hope that makes sense?!)

garrowismylaw · 03/12/2010 21:31

Sorry to say but you appear to have inadverdantly become a member of the MSP club (married single parents).
Your DH is selfish and you are letting him get away with too much.
Know what you mean though...you should not have to ASK for help, he should just do it!

Men can be such tossers.

Original poster
emskaboo · 03/12/2010 21:36

Mimsy, I get your point, but I think what pissed me off was the accusation that I'd delayed making a decision deliberately and the fact that he's going to my friend's birthday drinks!

He also said he needed to go or she'd feel let down neither of us had made it, right, but leaving me literally holding the baby is fine?!

OP posts:
MimsyRogers · 03/12/2010 21:42

No, it's not fine. But by not going yourself, you basically let him think it was fine for him to go. I can see why you're cross, but it sounds like you need to be more assertive about what you want.

BarbieLovesKen · 03/12/2010 21:47

No, YANBU. I refuse to believe that your DH is that stupid that he wouldnt realise that you are tired or need help. To be honest I think hes just being plain selfish and trying to play dumb. Im a bit Hmm that hes gone out for your friend's birthday.

You probably are going to get lynched for your thread title though - I once said on here that I wanted to kill someone in a thread title and the majority of responses related to how violent I clearly was Hmm (obviously I was not actually going to kill anyone).

Anyway, hope your ok. With an 11 week old you should be getting alot more help.

(also cannot believe he didnt do any night feeds etc with your ds until he was a year old!!! Shock)

Original poster
emskaboo · 03/12/2010 21:48

You're right, I know you are, arghhh! Must stop expecting DH to respond to anything other than direct clear statements. It's bloke 101 isn't it. Think I should go to bed and try to get enough sleep to conduct an adult conversation tomorrow!

OP posts:
BarbieLovesKen · 03/12/2010 21:49

I agree with MimsyRogers but if your anything like me, you'll want him to suggest something/ be nice and helpful and supportive/ not go out without you without having to directly ask him - he should figure it on his own Grin

garrowismylaw · 03/12/2010 21:53

My mum always says to me that if I want DH to do something, ie, be more helpful around house, etc, I should tell him. Sorry but I disagree. As parents we are in this together. Why is it my responsibility to feed kids, bath kids, settle kids, etc?
He went out instead of you...wrong. When you told him you were not going out, he should have 'realised' how tired you were and taken control and either stayed in with you or insisted that you go whilst he coped at home.
That is what you would have done, isn't it? So he should have been perceptive enough to do the same for you, IYSWIM.

GingaNinja · 03/12/2010 22:08

YANBU. End of. Hope you get lots of sleep tonight! Xmas Smile

Boys2mam · 03/12/2010 23:22

I honestly think some blokes just need guidance through the realm of relationships.

I am with a lovely, whole hearted, family bloke who when I met him was so misguided it was ridiculous. Now some of the women on here would have advised me to run for the hills but I saw something there and persisted and now have the loveliest, most family oriented guy going - he's no push-over but he respects me and our fab little extended family.

Sometimes the bloke has to want it too.

StuffingGoldBrass · 03/12/2010 23:31

He does sound a bit thoughtless. Is he this selfish generally ie does he do much housework or does he claim not to notice that it needs doing? It's easy to check if your P is taking you for granted - how much child-free, chore-free time do each of you get?

ontariomama · 04/12/2010 02:49

perhaps the solution could be found in getting a sitter? Give the baby a feed moments before you go, hand the kids off to the sitter, you and the mr. get some grown up time, and you both leave together after a while. You feed on return, while he runs you a tub, and life is good again : ) plus none of that going to jail stuff : )

bigchris · 04/12/2010 07:20

Hope he's not hungover today!

Original poster
emskaboo · 04/12/2010 08:19

He's not hungover, or is covering up well! I'm still
really cross though, but aware I am being irrational. I think that tiredness has bitten and I'm feeling isolated, the snow in the last couple of days has added to that and therefore I'm being more sensitive.

I also think he's failing to offer me the support I need, and that we talked about him needing to offer before I got pregnant with DD to make sure I didn't get PND again. In his defence I do a good line in appearing to cope beautifully, whilst falling apart internally so I need to be more open.

OP posts:
Diamondback · 04/12/2010 21:28

What prevented you from shaking him awake and asking him to take your 3 yr old back to bed? He may be an insensitive idiot, but you're also being a martyr. You need to deal with the DH you have, not expect him to magically turn into someone who knows what you need without having to be asked.

ChippingIn · 04/12/2010 21:37

You are not being irrational.

He's acting like a single bloke or at least a bloke without children and he needs to grow up.

He should be adult enough to know what is required - but as he doesn't appear to be you are going to have to lay it out clearly for him.

You are not the default parent
You are not the only one that can settle children in the night
You are not the only one that can feed DD
You are not the housework fairy

He is equally responsible for these things and in addition to that you expect some consideration for you health & feelings.

Lay it on the line.

kittycat37 · 04/12/2010 21:46

YANBU

I second ChippingIn

The anger you feel is a totally understandable response to your situation.

He needs a reality check.

Dono't suffer in silence. Calmly state exactly what you want and expect to happen

e.g. he needs to be 'on duty' every other night and take responsiblity for his kids.

Get yourself some good earplugs.

Once he realises you mean business, he'll find he has skills he doesn't know he has yet.

Good luck.

Original poster
emskaboo · 04/12/2010 23:25

Cheers ChippingIn and Kitty (and all of you, even the blunt as). It's been really helpful to see it all written down. I do need to get down of the cross, and be direct. We both have issues with confrontation (we both hate hate it),and I need to break deadlock.

I went out tonight for two hours with the friend whose birthday it was, DD didn't settle well and DH dealt without calling me, MASSIVE step for us both and unexpectedly ok.

We still haven't talked about last night, and he seemed to expect a round of applause tonight, but I'm amazed and pleased by what's happened!

Thanks for giving me the confidence to say yes when my friend asked me out for a drink tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
emskaboo · 04/12/2010 23:26

Oops off the cross, obviously Blush

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/12/2010 23:36

Well done you - that's a start at least!

kittycat37 · 05/12/2010 21:21

Yes well done - more outings like that and you'll start to feel better x

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