to worry that my kids will be damaged because daddy's never there?

[ThoseArtisticTypes]

I am really fed up.

My kids dad is never around. He works all the hours under the sun, misses plays, parent's meetings, your kid is in trouble meetings and never talks or plays to the kids. He thinks being a good father is providing and therefore works like a dog to be the best "father" he can be. Everytime I talk to him about it he gets really upset as he adores the kids but he never outwardly shows it. I think he's the type of guy that because he loves you it should be obvious so never says it.

What pisses me off even more is that he never considers looking in the school calendar to see what the kids are doing and today, with the worst weather all week, he decided to leave at the same time he normally would to get home for an important event. It takes him two hours to get home normally, so guess what - he left two hours to get home. The event has had to be cancelled and everyone is upset plus we have messed other people about who were helping us to organise it.

I don't know what to do. Nothing changes and yet he is such a kind and gentle man and I cannot fault him in any way. I hate to think that my kids will grow up and say, "We never saw our dad", like those screwed up buggers you see on TV!

Anyway just letting off steam and cannot see an end to this. Oh and him changing jobs is not even negotiable, :(

Echo CheeseChomper re my father except we now don't see each other (don't like the person he is really and couldn't get past it despite about ten years of trying to build a relationship with him).
My mum was always fantastic though, so don't consider myself "damaged".
Dh v similar to my father as a parent ( - together 15 years before kids and had no idea), but will take an interest (and enjoy it) at the w/ends in set activities with a gentle push.
Always try and make sure I'm there / got time for the kids whenever. Kids seem happy so far.

I totally sympathise with you OP, my DH has been working overseas this week, he normally works awy in this country and I have added snow issues to my normal household workload.

He came back last night, has spent all day working at home and is now watching TV while I sit with the DCs while they eat and tell me about their days.

Whatever I say makes no difference, like your DH he can't see past the fact that he earns money and so does not need to do anything else. Like you I would love to work more than the very part time that I do but being on my own in an unpredictable way from week to week makes any affordable childcare impossible.

That said I don't think that my DCs are suffering, they don't know any different but even at their young ages their view is that their Dad is pretty useless, he has no authority in the home and they can't rely on him 100% like they can with me.

I don't have any advice for you but I do sympathise, luckily I'm very independent and don't complain for myself, I just try to carry on and be the best parent I can be.

My Grandad worked 6 days a week, was out before the children woke and home after they were in bed.

His five children, all honest, hardworking, decent members of society worshipped him until the day he died and still do come to that, with good reason.

My DC's father is never there them. I have brought my children up alone since they were babes, just as my mother did with me. If there is damage in the Vallhala family, it is there, not with the children whose father loved them and worked so hard to provide for them.

What the hell is there to be so discontent with when a father works hard and loves his children? Damage?

You have no idea.

Agh! I meant that my DC's father is never there for them.

OP, why don't you move to London or closer at least so he can live at home? It's not that bad really. I know lots of people who do what you do and, anecdotally, there seems to be a high incidence of divorce. Your DH is estranged from the kids five days of the week and it will be hard for him to switch onto family mode for two days. The people I see who seem to make this work have very independent wives who have been happy to build lives for themselves and expect very little input from their husbands and/or have strong social and family networks near the family home. I couldn't do it.

My DH has not such a well paid job, but he gets home at 5pm and he turns up to most school events and he and DD have a great relationship. There are children we know whose fathers work very long hours and who see their father only at the weekend, sometimes not even then. The mums are essentially single parents all week...I don't think I could cope with that.

I prefer DH being home with me and DD at night to any amount of money. But this is a concious choice DH and I made.

I don't think you are being ungrateful, spending time with your children is a good thing, and working and being a "good provider" is important but not an end in itself. It seems like there is no home/work balance here, it is massively skewed towards his work. My dad worked long hours and although I loved him as a child, I have only actually got to know him, in my adulthood, in fact, after he retired, because then we had a conversation.

Perhaps you can persuade him of the joys of actually knowing his own children?

my kids dad was like this (although not the unemployed stoner part), it is crap - but you learn to deal with it.

It was even more crap when he decided that he didn't love me, didn't feel like part of the family (apparently I made him feel like it was "him" and "me & kids" - that's because you were never fucking home), blah blah blah and left.

And then, then, after he left, he made sure he leaves work early every week on the weekday night he has them.
He spends more time with them now, living apart from them, than he did when we were together.
Yes, it is good that they see and spend time with him.
BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT BEFORE

Talk to him OP, and talk more - before it is too late for one or both of you.

"I hate to think that my kids will grow up and say, "We never saw our dad", like those screwed up buggers you see on TV!"

Well I never saw my dad because he decided he couldn't be fucked and I'm not a screw up.

Your kids wont be damaged, you dont actually need two parents around all the time to grow up a well adjusted adult.

YABU and a bit rude.

I have some sympathy with the OP's concerns, but only insofar as they relate to her OH's availability for the children when he is actually at home. If he is emotionally distant when physically present then that needs to be addressed with some frank discussion.

However, I wasn't terribly taken with the tone of the OP - it seemed terribly dismissive of what this man is doing - working 'like a dog' to quote the OP, to give his children the very best that he feels they need. I am even less taken with it after reading how he turned his life around and stepped up to the mark as soon as he found out he was going to be a father.

I didn't have a great father, although he is showing some promise as a grandfather, albeit a distant one. I did however have the best grandfather ever to walk the earth and I am in complete agreement with Valhalla. My grandfather was in the merchant navy and was at sea from the age of 14 to 65. He missed the birth of both his children, was told to take his ship to Canada and abandon his family in the event of the nazi's invading Britain, he wasn't there when my grandmother was twice bombed out with a small baby, he was at sea through family illnesses, deaths, good and bad events. He was, like Valhall's grandfather, worshipped and adored by every one of us and it would have broken his heart if anyone had thought less of him for working away all those months.

As I say, I have some sympathy for the OP but I think her post could have been a bit less dismissive of this man's obvious good points.

Thanks all and great advice Oblomov. Shame we seem to have similar hubbies Scarletbegonia! :(

I am appalled at some posters low expectations of men.
I expect my dh to work hard and pay attention to his dc (me too if it comes to that).
Obviously if you're not there because you're in the Navy then that's not your fault and if you marry a person in the forces that's what you expect.

Saying 'that's just the way he is' is not something I could do. I'd have to seriously examine whether this was a relationship I wanted to be in and if I wanted my dc to be brought up like this.

My relationship is not perfect, but it's a partnership and as a family we're respectful of each other. Being attentive is part of that.

My fil is 73 and worked night shifts and all sorts when dh was young. He was the most hands on dad possible ie when he was there he was playing with his boys, then he'd do diy in the evening. He always washed up too.

I think being very very specific is a good idea 'pay more attention' is not helpful.' I want you to have dinner with us and come out with us to....' is better.

Personally I'd be issuing ultimatums too, but then I expect dh to try as hard( obviously we have different ways of doing things) as I do because that's fair.

I will think up some better strategies but what ultimatum could I give him? He is so good to me, kind, gentle and the love of my life. The kids adore him and I could never split up with him, or want to, and the kids would be devastated. But how do I get through to him? What also saddens me is that he is really intelligent and has a lot of interesting things to say. On the other hand I am a bit thick so he could really enrich the kids lives.

why will they be damaged - your conclusion is "He is so good to me, kind, gentle and the love of my life. The kids adore him"

he works to provide, you do all the other stuff - but you say you love him and you say the kids adore him (even seeing him only weekends) .

where is the issue?
lots of kids have dads who work away.

what was so important about the "event" you could not start without him? doesnt make sense to me

and then again - how can they adore a dad who "never talks or plays to the kids" ?

makes no sense - maybe you need to figure out exactly what is going on here...

but they wont be "damaged" by not having dad around if you dont make an issue of it. if you happy with the situation...

you say they "adore" him despite never being played with or talked to...weird...but if it works for them then so be it...

your choice to continue like this or not - ie talking to him about how to change it. .

I'm surprised by the connection between the kids and their dad too.
What does he do with them? At the weekend -does he supervise baths? Read stories? Do you go out as a family? Eat together? Does he take them to any activities/watch them when they're there? Does he cook a meal with them?
Can you start by suggesting he does some of those things?

Today my dh is taking boys to indoor football,watching them and bringing them home. We plan to all go sledging this afternoon. We'll be doing some tidying up and cooking meals too-between us. He will supervise eldest's homework, I'll do others. He has some work to do which he'll do when eldest is a t sports club tomorrow and in the evenings. He may go out for a drink tonight.

How different is your dh's participation in the family weekend?

Are you resentful about being left alone in the week? I appreciate that is how some families work/only way to survive, but neither |I or dh could cope with this. We'd feel lonely and abandoned-we signed up to this thing together. Just because other people do something one way doesn't mean it's the right way for you.

Calling yourself stupid is a bit harsh-you're an eloquent and coherent poster. Do you mean you're not as educated as him?

What are his interests and could he share them with the kids?

You love him a lot-there must have been good times- what has changed?

Him living else where during the week obviously isn't ideal for any of you. Have you thought about moving closer to his work?

It was my idea for him to live away during the week because he was exhausted and by the weekend was even more useless so I am happy with our set up!

He is helpful around the house and would take DS to activities but acts more as a taxi/facilitator and never talks to them. The kids are so excited to see him by the weekend and it ends up being very disappointed.

Not read all the posts, YANBU.

While I agree that damage is a strong word, I am very very happy that I was brought up by a father who had the time and the inclination to engage with his children. I am also very happy that my mother was brought up by such a father as it meant she had high expectations of her own marriage- expectations which were amply fulfilled by my father.

I am also very happy that dh was brought up by such a father (a man born in 1909 as it so happens- so the generational excuse doesn't wash with me). Because it means my children are being brought up by a father with the same attitude.

Yes, I am sure if anything happened to dh, I could bring my children up to be happy and balanced individuals. So in that sense he is not irreplaceable. But then if anything happened to me, so could he.

Seeing that we are both alive and we are not divorced, I cannot help noticing that having a close bond with their dad is an inestimable gift to my children: I can't imagine how a more comfortable lifestyle could ever replace what they are getting.

And the idea that the little woman should be grateful just to be financially supported makes me go all Xenia. To me, being unable to engage with one's own children is a sign of inadequacy: it may be his misfortune, it may be that he needs counselling, but it is not something I would ever be grateful for.

YANBU at all. Don't understand the Put Up And Shut Up posts TBH.

Your children won't remember having fancy clothes and expensive toys, they'll remember whether or not their parents had TIME for them. They will remember playing in the park and baking cakes on the weekend. Or they'll remember daddy being "too busy".

There is a LOT more to being a dad than bringing home the metaphorical Bacon. I am really relieved my DH sees that.

Howannoying LOTS of people feel they missed out on a bond with their father, and it affects the way they parent.

Note that nobody would excuse a mother for failing to engage with her children on the plea that she brought home a good income.

I don't see why working away all week would make him a disinterested parent on the weekend, IF you let him take charge or share duties when he is home.

My husband works away all week, so the time on weekends, the children are prioritized. He does the ballet and piano runs, takes them shopping with him (to get screws or WD40 or some such excitement) or visits friends with them. I get at least one morning or afternoon a weekend to myself to work or have a nap.

However, the big difference is that he was a hands-on parent before, so it comes naturally to him now, but it didn't initially. If asked, he would always let me change the nappies, bath the baby. I took the advice of a good friend to literally abandon him with my first, I was working weekends at home, so packed them a lunch and shoved them out of the door for the day. That was the making of his bonding with his first, then he discovered he loved spending time with his children and actually stayed home three days a week (and worked nights) with his second daughter.

He's probably lost a bit of confidence in being able to do it, and you look the confident and competent one, so get him to take one of the children out on a trip (even for his hobby or anything). Get him to take an active part in deciding what to do on weekends and to develop shared activities or just time to walk and chat with them.

Finally, I take the point of Valhalla and others that you don't need two identical parents to be happy. If you adore him and the children do too, perhaps they are happier with the bond they have than you might think. Perhaps for them, it's about daddy being around and watching what they do, and taking an interest every now and again, and being a reassuring presence on the weekend. You don't have to interact in a full-on way to have a bond.

As for the activity he let you down over, more fool you. You know he works long hours and can't really leave early on a Fri, I would have got on with the event without him, he can't have been crucial to it and if he was, it was a bit silly to construct it that way. He does sound like he has a lot going for him in many ways.

Very good point Cory!

Cyb I understand that, but just because someone doesn't have a relationship with their father(or mother) does not automatically make them "damaged" or a "screw up".