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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry that my kids will be damaged because daddy's never there?

82 replies

ThoseArtisticTypes · 03/12/2010 15:52

I am really fed up.

My kids dad is never around. He works all the hours under the sun, misses plays, parent's meetings, your kid is in trouble meetings and never talks or plays to the kids. He thinks being a good father is providing and therefore works like a dog to be the best "father" he can be. Everytime I talk to him about it he gets really upset as he adores the kids but he never outwardly shows it. I think he's the type of guy that because he loves you it should be obvious so never says it.

What pisses me off even more is that he never considers looking in the school calendar to see what the kids are doing and today, with the worst weather all week, he decided to leave at the same time he normally would to get home for an important event. It takes him two hours to get home normally, so guess what - he left two hours to get home. The event has had to be cancelled and everyone is upset plus we have messed other people about who were helping us to organise it.

I don't know what to do. Nothing changes and yet he is such a kind and gentle man and I cannot fault him in any way. I hate to think that my kids will grow up and say, "We never saw our dad", like those screwed up buggers you see on TV!

Anyway just letting off steam and cannot see an end to this. Oh and him changing jobs is not even negotiable, :(

OP posts:
starmucks · 03/12/2010 16:23

Why are you all feeling sorry for this guy? He works hard to support his family..so fucking what so do most. He gets a week in London all by himself to do what he likes most...work. By the same token OP, you must have know this when you married him. I doubt you took precedent over his work when you got together. Marriage is a contract, and your's seem to stipulate that you raise the family while he provides.

chitchatinsantasear · 03/12/2010 16:24

I seem to be in the minority, but I feel for you OP. YANBU! My DH works long hours, and isn't there M-F for the DC, but on the weekends he really tries to be a good dad to them, spending 1 on 1 time with each of them, and doing fun activities with them. Sometimes he's clueless, and other times he finds it really hard to make the transition from WORKING to being AT HOME.

But he TRIES.

It sounds as though your DH doesn't even try, even though there are quite clearly times that he could. I think it's wrong for people to say 'my dad wasn't there, I'm fine, deal with it'. That's just CRAP.

Both parents should parent, and if one finds it harder due to work etc, then at the very least they should damn well acknowledge that it isn't actually the ideal way to be and try to do something about it!!!

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2010 16:24

Working long hours isn't a "get out of jail free card" when it comes to being a parent. Unless he is working 7 days a week (he isn't) or on an oil rig then he can be a good father in the few hours that he sees them.

Glitterandglue · 03/12/2010 16:28

I understand where the OP is coming from. As a kid both my parents worked really hard - I used to go to a nursery before and after school for an hour and two hours respectively, up till I was old enough to stay home on my own.

I understood that, though. What hurt me [and it still does annoy me that they chose this, even if I have in the last few years managed to 'get over it'] was the fact that they spent a lot of their leisure time choosing to do other things than spend time with me, too. On the weekends I'd be at my grandad's with my cousins for most of Saturday when young [when I was older I just did my own thing at home] and then after dinner I'd be taken to my aunt's to stay the night, so they could go out. I'd get picked up late Sunday afternoon.

Every evening my dad would sleep for two hours after dinner [he still does] and would do his marking and planning when he got up. Mom would do the washing up after dinner and then watch TV for a couple of hours before doing her marking and planning. All I remember is a lot of, "In a minute," "When this gets to the ads," "When I'm finished." I eventually gave up trying to communicate with them when I was about twelve and it took them several years to notice, and then we had a very difficult relationship as they kept saying I didn't talk to them, and I would think, well, why would I?

So my point is, I think kids are well able to understand when parents need to work, as a lot of people on this thread have said. But they do notice and it really can have a big impact if they see their parents having a choice about how to spend time, and never or hardly ever choosing to spend it with them.

saffy85 · 03/12/2010 16:29

YANBU imo. Your DH works hard, good for him but that isn't an excuse for getting out of spending quality time with his family aleast occassionally at the weekend.

Dunno why you're getting so much grief OP Confused

nameymcnamechange · 03/12/2010 16:29

Gosh this is one of those threads where I'm not sure I've read the same op as anyone else.

Mum2harry&ben: your so-called reply is just ridiculous. And spiteful.

YANBU, yanbu at all, op.

Unfortunately some men use the fact that they work very hard to provide financially for the family to abdicate any responsibility for providing emotionally for the family. I have a lot of sympathy for you.

Original poster
ThoseArtisticTypes · 03/12/2010 16:29

Thank you for the more supportive replies of which there are many now! :) I just needed a cyber hug as I'm a bit down and this event tipped me over.

When we got married OH was an unemployed stoner and I was pregnant. The moment he found out I was pregnant a light went on and he became a workaholic! Yes, I am grateful he is no longer a stoner but I didn't quite sign up for his zealous work attitude! LOL!

OP posts:
defineme · 03/12/2010 16:30

Bruxer -there's not a manual about how to write an op you know.

I'm finding the misogeny in some of these posts astounding.

STOP SAYING SHE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL- IT'S OFFENSIVE

Sorry for shouting, but really cross.
This is not 1950. This is 2010 and this op deserves some respect for what she does whether it earns a wage or not and the dc deserve some attention from their dad when he is there.

If a child has no dad then I think that can be less emotionally damaging than constant rejection from a dad who is there.

bruxeur · 03/12/2010 16:32

In that case - wrong place to look for it, and you might do better next time to word your OP more carefully.

hth

How soon after you were married did you tell him you were pregnant btw?

bruxeur · 03/12/2010 16:33

Lol. Awesome xpost. There should be though, really, shouldn't there? It would help TAT, al least.

Original poster
ThoseArtisticTypes · 03/12/2010 16:33

Defineme,

You are right. I grew up with a dad and I did not notice or feel bad because I never knew any different. One of my kids is as insular as his father and another very challenging and I do think it hurts them when they are ignored. But what can I do? I've had this conversation over and over.... :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ThoseArtisticTypes · 03/12/2010 16:34

without a dad!

OP posts:
starmucks · 03/12/2010 16:35

Wow - that is a transformation, stoner to workaholic! As I said in my first post, my Dad was crap when I was growing up and neither I nor my siblings have suffered adversely, primarily because we had a great Mum - you sound like a great mum too, so I would hazard yours will be fine too.,

otchayaniye · 03/12/2010 16:37

YANBU

But then I would say that as my husband became a SAHD to our daughter and I went back to work three days a week when she was 15 months old. He still works, fits in two 14 hour night shifts a week.

We did this (and are skinting ourselves) because we thought it was important for us both to parent in the early years if it was humanly possible. Even moved continent to enable it.

There's more to being a father than providing things. In fact, it sounds as if he is copping out a bit, using that as an excuse.

When I've done an 8 hour shift at work I am actually running from the bus stop and up our path to get to my daughter.

nameymcnamechange · 03/12/2010 16:38

Well, I think its time to give him an ultimatum if his refusal to discuss this is as bad as you say.

Ultimately you cannot make anybody change.

Think about exactly what it is you want him to do, I am sure you will be reasonable about this and not suggest leaving his job or anything like that, and give him a deadline for achieving the necessary change in his behaviour. You could tell him that you will ask for a trial separation if he doesn't make more effort with the dc.

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2010 16:38

I don't think your DCs will be "damaged" by it but is a shame that they are not having the chance to develop a proper relationship with their dad. Similarly, it is a shame for your DH but he seems to not want to change.

otchayaniye · 03/12/2010 16:40

I think they actually might be damaged. Sorry, not phrasing that sensitively.

Someone is sometimes there in the house who shows little interest? Of course that will hurt and leave some mark.

I had an absent father (absent when he was present). And then he killed himself. It's left me feeling rejected in multiple ways.

otchayaniye · 03/12/2010 16:41

I just cannot get my head around couples having children (and staying together) but the father (or mother) not wanting to be involved.

ShanahansRevenge · 03/12/2010 16:49

I feel comforted by what the firt responder said...her Dad was always away and now they're close...my DH works abroad. I have begged him to stop it but he says we can't afford to.

We could actually if we lowered our lifestyle a lot...which I would rather do.

OP...my kids have been without their Dad for months at a time and I know they have not been damaged....it's just different. So dont' worry...and at least your DH is hom every night.

CheeseChomper · 03/12/2010 16:51

I agree that the onus is often on Dads to work hard and earn a crust and for many this involves commuting and long hours which can make it hard to see DCs.

However, I don't see why you're getting so much shit and told to be grateful. My Dad worked long hours when I was a child which I understood BUT he was also NEVER interested in what I was up, be it sports, drama, friends, school activities and NEVER played with me, and I must admit it affected me quite a bit once I reached teenage years and realised that it wasn't normal. Sad

We get on well now as adults when we see each other, and do speak on the phone a fair bit, but when my parents divorced 9 years ago and due to money/finance reasons (brought on by himself) he was very much on his own, he was miffed and surprised that my brothers and I weren't hugely supportive or emotionally available. It wasn't that I disliked him or anything or took sides, but I was quite indifferent and I really didn't have ANY emotional ties to him or deep feelings and essentially we had to rebuild our relationship from scratch and get to know each other.

If anything I think your DH might suffer in the future and regret not making the effort with them when they were young. Kids are fairly resiliant though, so it may or may not affect them.

I think it's important that you encourage your DH to take an interest in what they get up to, or find an area that he feels comfortable interacting with them (not everyone's good at 'playing'!), could be taking to the park, reading to them, watching the footie on telly together. Everyone will miss out otherwise.

Good luck and YANBU to feel the way you do!

Niceguy2 · 03/12/2010 16:51

What choices do you have OP?

If he's not interested, you can't make him so. No amount of "talking" will change it if he's just not that sort of guy.

Best case scenario is he'll make an effort for a few weeks.

I'd say ask yourself this. In his heart, does he love you & the kids? Is he being the best parent HE CAN BE? Not what you think he SHOULD be?

TwinklePants · 03/12/2010 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

motherinferior · 03/12/2010 17:24

I quite seriously think that most parents are able to be rather better at parenting than Mr OP. It's not exactly a case of her trying to force him into wearing a gorilla suit and taking them to the zoo every weekend; just, you know, the odd conversation and perhaps spark of interest in how they're doing.

TotalChaos · 03/12/2010 17:31

damage is a bit strong, as lots of kids grow up with no father. but yanbu to be annoyed he doesn't make an effort to talk to his kids at the weekend when he is home.

Oblomov · 03/12/2010 17:39

I agree with chitchat. then man is supposed to atleast TRY.
But I also agree with niceguy, nothing is going to change here.
Op you just have to accept that this man is the way he is.
BUT what you could do is choose your battles. think to yourself, what is the one thing I want him to do this qtr/month. Then spell it out to him. "dh dd's parents eve/party/whatever is VERY VERY important to me, so I want you to e there no matter what. snow , whatever, leave work early. or somehting of thta ilk.
Tell it to him in basics, giving no room for misunderstandings. catch the train at 5.03, walk no more thna 10 minutes Wink
treat him like a child, and give him 'idiots guide for morons' instructions.