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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at DH for taking so long to put DD1 to bed

22 replies

putthekettleon · 01/12/2010 20:17

they are still in the bath now. She's 2.7. Every night I try and send her to bed on time, but they spend so bloody long running around, playing, reading a million books etc...

He doesn't get home til 7 and her bedtime is supposed to be 8pm. He's supposed to get home, eat his dinner then get her in bath and bed by 8pm. It never happens, he's usually strolling downstairs at 10 to 9 saying 'she just wants one cuddle from you...'. Even if I give her an early bath so she's in pyjamas when he gets home she still never gets to bed on time.

I guess I should be happy they are spending quality time but it means I'm left downstairs with dishes, DD2 (5 months) to BF and put to bed and we end up with very little 'adult' time to actually speak to each other/collapse on the sofa.

I should add on the nights I put her to bed (if he's out/working late) she is always in bed by 8!

Am I just a big meanie?

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/12/2010 20:23

YAB a bit U, you know. How much other time does DH get to spend with DD1, just the two of them, having a laugh and a close, cosy time? I do understand your POV (and the longing for "grown up" time!) but try not to begrudge them this time. It'll pass soon enough.

curlymama · 01/12/2010 20:26

It is nice that he wants to spend time with his dd, it would be much worse for you if it were the opposit way.

Could you make an agreement that on Saturdays and Sundays he makes sure he is downstairs early so that you can spend some time together?

AnyoneforTurps · 01/12/2010 20:29

Agree with OldLady but maybe there is room for compromise? How about asking your DH to do the dishes for example? If he wants to spend quality time with your DD, that's great, but he shouldn't be dumping the housework on you as a result.

Also have you told your DH why you are upset about this?

SandStorm · 01/12/2010 20:30

Why not give him his dinner after she's in bed?

NoelNemofish · 01/12/2010 20:32

Tell him he may get more / some sex if he gets her in bed earlier.

Original poster

putthekettleon · 01/12/2010 20:38

I guess after 12 hours on my own with them I've had more than enough 'quality time' and just want to get them in bed! But I know she does love the time with him... and to be fair he usually finishes off the dishes if I haven't managed to (while juggling DD2) when he comes down. It just feels like I'm the mean one shouting up the stairs 'has she done her teeth?' 'are you out yet?'

We have talked about it and always agree we need to get her in bed on time as he's the one who often complains how the evenings seem to disappear! Maybe that's just life with 2 kids

at Noel, the last time that happened was ooh, about 5 months ago (when ridiculously overdue with DD2!) To be honest, witholding his dinner til he gets her in bed is more likely to work!

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 01/12/2010 20:42

I sympathise we have an almost identical situation in this house. My DH doesn't get home ususally until about 7.30 and kids meant to be in bed by 8. Usually i have them ready to go, pjs, washed etc. He comes home gets changed and reads stories. He normally has DS down by about 8 ish but it is often after 8.45 when DD is done as they play games together - doctor, dentist etc.
He enjoys the time though and I think it is valuable to her as she gets a different sort of interaction from him than me. its nice one on one time. He normally gets time with DS in the morning as they are both early risers. I don't begrudge him it..he sees them so little and it is nice he wants to spend time with them.
Your DH having dinner after she goes down should save some time. Thats what we do...have dinner together later.

Lastyearsmodel · 01/12/2010 20:47

I sympathise too. DH always takes ages to put the kids to bed. I mind because it cuts into their sleep time. I've speeded it up a bit by getting him to start earlier, having the kids in pjs when he gets home from work, nagging/explaining, etc. And sometimes, just sometimes, taking a deep breath and remembering it's only a few minutes and it's better than having to put all the DCs to bed myself.

EricNorthpolesChristmas · 01/12/2010 21:03

YABU completely, sorry. He only gets back at 7 and wants to spend some time with her before bed. I work f/t and my evenings with DS are sacred. DH is not allowed to take him anywhere or do anything which makes me miss my 5.30-7.30 time with him. If i got back at 7 and he was trying to cut short my time with him I'd go mental. F/T working parents miss their kids, whatever gender the parent is, and the evenings are precious.

EricNorthpolesChristmas · 01/12/2010 21:10

Yes he should have his dinner after, with you. No brainer.

letsblowthistacostand · 01/12/2010 21:11

Same situation here. Ended up giving DH a serious bollocking a few weeks ago as it was just taking too long. I feel so bad about telling him off like that but it's not about what time they go to bed, it's about how much sleep they're getting, and if they go to bed at 9 and get up at 7, that's 10 hours and not enough. DD1 is 4 and in reception, she never naps so needs 11 or 12 hrs at night or is an absolute nightmare by Thursday.

I give them dinner around 5 and a bath straight after. When DH comes home at 6:30ish all he has to do is brush their teeth, read a few stories and pop them into bed. I would start the teeth at 6:45 whether he was home or not, and TBH if he didn't get home until 7:30 I'd have them in bed by then, hopefully asleep!!

My DH makes up the time at the weekends or sometimes goes in a bit late in the mornings so is able to have breakfast with us. Could your DH do that?

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 01/12/2010 21:34

I just don't understand all you who say the OP is being unreasonable?

It shouldn't be about whether the dad is having his needs met, being a parent should be about what is right for the child(ren).

I agree that children need to have enough sleep every night and if DH isn't getting enough quality time as he sees it, then perhaps he should have that time before work if he can or change his hours / job if he can or he will just have to suck it up and make up for it at weekends.

Seona1973 · 01/12/2010 21:40

we always eat after the kids are in bed so I would definitely get him to do bedtime first and then eat. Dh gets home between 6.30 and 7pm and ds(4) is in bed for 7.30m and dd(7) for 8pm.

Animation · 01/12/2010 21:46

This thread made me smile because my hubby was just the same when mine were little - he was good with them - but so bloody slow with bedtime story and lights out. :)

peeringintothevoid · 01/12/2010 21:52

YABVU. If he's 'supposed to' bathe her and put her to bed, then it's down to him how he does it. If you can't bear how he does it, do it yourself.

Unless of course he dictates to you how you handle other aspects of caring for your children?

If, on the other hand, you weren't 'annoyed' with him, but instead initiated a conversation about how you could engineer more time as a couple, of an evening..... then I'd say YANBU at all.

cat64 · 01/12/2010 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sunnydelight · 01/12/2010 22:15

Why not turn things around so they get their time together AND you get more adult time? If he spends an hour with your DD when he gets home she could be in bed for 8 and if you could sort your 5 month old at the same time you could then cook and chat together.

DH and I tend to eat together at 9, a habit from years back when our kids were little. Kids go to bed, adults have food and a glass of wine and time to connect. We've been together 21 year and I swear making that time for us most nights has really kept our relationship strong.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/12/2010 23:39

I'm a little that someone with the nic RememberToPlaywiththeKids should be advocating that a father's playtime should be truncated or non-existant during the week, and reserved purely for weekends!

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 02/12/2010 14:57

I'm a little [shocked] that a small childs valuable sleep time is cut short on a daily basis to suit an adult.

It depends on your view as to what an appropriate bed time for a 2.7 year old is.

My kids go to bed at 7pm as they always wake at 7am regardless of what time they go to bed and they function much better on 11-12 hours sleep that they do on less.

I know some people's children will sleep in if they go to bed later but neither I nor my friends have ever experienced that in RL - I've just read that on here.

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 02/12/2010 15:42

It doesn't sound disimilar to when I go to bed at 1am instead of 11pm - I can do it once in a while and I pay for it the next day. I certainly couldn't do it a few times a week.

Original poster

putthekettleon · 02/12/2010 21:37

thanks for the feedback - I do love that they are so close, but it is partly the issue of her not getting enough sleep as well as not getting adult time together, as she will wake up at 7 regardless of when she goes to bed. Eg, last night she wasn't asleep until way past 9 and today had an almighty tantrum on the way back from preschool mainly due to being overtired.

We used to eat together after she went to bed but that was back in the heyday when DH's job meant he was home at 5 and DD2 was just a twinkle in our eyes, and when DD1 went to bed at 7! Since having DD2 I've found the easiest way for all concerned is if I cook one dinner for everyone, I eat with the kids and save his in the oven.

We've had a bit of a discussion and I think we'll start doing baths every other night and he's also agreed to make more of an effort to have her in bed lights out by 8 (rather than hanging upside down on the chin-up bar, currently a favourite pastime...)

OP posts:

sunnydelight · 02/12/2010 21:56

Ah yes, hanging upside down on the chin-up bar, that guaranteed way to get your kid calmed down and in the right frame of mind to sleep

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