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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to allow a woman DP slept with to stay in out house?

86 replies

winnybella · 01/12/2010 13:58

Sounds more dramatic than it really is.

DP has a colorful past, no proper relationship before he met me, lots of one night stands and short romances.

Few days ago he said that a girl that he knew long time ago is coming to our town for a few days and has asked him whether she could stay in our place.

I asked DP what 'knew' meant exactly and he blushed and said 'well...'.

So I said that I would prefer she didn't as I don't really fancy having someone he slept with in my house- not a huge deal, of course, just it wouldn't be very nice for me. If it was an emergency of some kind, than, yes, ok, but as it is I would rather she didn't.

He said, fine, I think he felt a bit silly for even asking.

I was just wondering whether IWBU? And what would you do?

OP posts:
tethersjinglebellend · 01/12/2010 14:14

Agreed BG. I think 'freeloader' may be more appropriate Wink

LadyBiscuit · 01/12/2010 14:14

Fair enough if you don't fancy having anyone to stay - completely understand that. But in your OP you said it was because they'd shagged. And yes I agree with you Belligerent - some of the terms on this thread are deeply unpleasant

RockinSockBunnies · 01/12/2010 14:15

YABU - am also shocked at the number of derogatory comments about the woman on this thread 'dirty slapper' Shock WTF? Even if said jokingly, why on earth should the woman be vilified for having a sexual history?

Why is it an issue if he's slept with her in the past? I've slept with people in the past and am still friends with them, although I have no desire to have sex with them. DP wouldn't mind them staying, nor would I mind his exes coming over.

Original poster
winnybella · 01/12/2010 14:15

tethers got it- she's a total stranger,DP doesn't really care,we have a small place, we're very busy at the mo, this girl would have to sleep on the sofa in the living room, be under my feet all the time.

I am willing to put up with a guest at the mo if it's family or dear friends (whether exes or not)- but not really for some random fling of DPs.

OP posts:
ratspeaker · 01/12/2010 14:16

Round our way an out house was the outdoor lavvy.
Why would you object to her sleeping there?

Thingumy · 01/12/2010 14:16

if they haven't seen each other for years,how did she get in touch to ask to stay with you both?

Original poster
winnybella · 01/12/2010 14:17

Well, yes, tbh I would find having someone around whom I know DP had sex with not very pleasant- but not to the point of refusing to see them or forbidding DP to see them if they were his friends.

OP posts:
ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 01/12/2010 14:18

YANBU

You shouldn't have to have anyone to stay in your own home if you don't feel comfortable with it.

TallulahBelly14 · 01/12/2010 14:18

YANBU. Absolutely not.

Why should you be put out for someone you don't know, especially if it's going to make you feel uncomfortable. It's your house! Recommend a nice B&B and leave it at that.

Original poster
winnybella · 01/12/2010 14:18

Don't know, Thingumy- DP is very social and has got huge friend network in London.Suppose she's a friend of a friend of a friend of his now? Didn't ask him.

OP posts:
Duna · 01/12/2010 14:19

If your DPs not bothered either way, and having a particluar person in your home will make you feel uncomfortable (for whatever reason)then why the hell should you?!! Yes, I am incredibly immature btw Wink

UnquietDad · 01/12/2010 14:20

You either trust him or you don't. You either want to offer overnight accommodation or you don't. But the two aren't connected.

Duna · 01/12/2010 14:20

Ah, x posted with Tallulah

tethersjinglebellend · 01/12/2010 14:21

Well put, UQD.

Thingumy · 01/12/2010 14:21

I would be comfortable with her staying but only because she is a stranger and as you said they aren't friends any more.
God knows why a old flame would ask to stay with you guys when she hasn't been a close 'friend',I wouldn't dream of asking and would be happier at a b&b or hotel.

Thingumy · 01/12/2010 14:22

wouldn't

Original poster
winnybella · 01/12/2010 14:23

UD-of course I trust him. But at the same time I don't consider having to look at someone DP had sex with very pleasant tbh. Not in a crazy jealous way, just more "I could do without it'.

So since it doesn't seem to be an issue with DP, I thought I was justified in my stance.

Now, he is friends with a couple of his exes and I wouldn't dream of interferring there, as obviously his friendships are more important than my feeling of being uncomfortable.

Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
nomoreheels · 01/12/2010 14:24

YANBU - it's your home. Staying as a guest is very different to going for dinner or a drink for old times sake. And they're not close now, so why go to the trouble?

No, nothing is likely to happen - but you could feel uncomfortable in your own home which isn't fair.

ExPs can be awkward to deal with. Some people stay friends, some people are cool with it - some people aren't. It's about what works for you as a couple.

I would only say YABU if you were saying no to meeting up socially...

Original poster
winnybella · 01/12/2010 14:25

I mean, a bit uncomfortable, not like I want to murder them Grin.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 01/12/2010 14:25

OK by the sound of it she is casting around for crash space for the night (and running out of options, maybe because she is a freeloader, maybe it's just that no one else is in the right area) but it so happens that having anyone to stay at present is a PITA for you. WOuld you feel the same if it was a n oldmale mate of your H's that he hadn't seen for yonks? If you would then YANBU.
If you are just fussing because she's a woman who has had sex with your H when he was a single man (and therefore at liberty to have sex with whoever he wanted) then YABU.

Original poster
winnybella · 01/12/2010 14:26

No, no, of course I wouldn't mind a drink etc. If this girl gets in touch with DP when she gets here and wants to have a drink with him/us-fine.

Just wasn't crazy about 5 days of it.

OP posts:
Zondra · 01/12/2010 14:30

No way, would I have her stay!
Yanbu!

I am a very jealous, territorial type, though. I can't help my feelings it's just the way that I am wired.

Also, I'm wondering how close in contact your dh is with her, in that she (& he,too!) thought this was totally alright & usual.
They still sound pretty close to me...

motherinferior · 01/12/2010 14:32

What UD said.

If poor old Mr Inferior felt like you do about looking at people his partner had had sex with he'd have to shut his eyes a lot of the time Grin

PfftTheMagicDragon · 01/12/2010 14:33

Well, based solely on the fact that they had sex, YABU and some of the names being banded around here are not nice - slapper? Whore?

But how is he still in contact with her? If he only knew her for sex how are they chatting??

LittleWhiteWolf · 01/12/2010 14:34

I'm surprised at this thread. It seems the general attitude is that WinnyBella is thought of as insecure in her relationship because she doesnt really want some strange (IMO cheeky) woman to stay at her house, who is trying to invite herself. The fact that her DP has a sexual past with this woman seems secondary to the fact that she's just asked for a place to crash without ever having met WinnyBella.

I don't think YABU to not want a stranger who knew your DP a long time ago and hasn't seen him since to stay at your place after inviting herself at all, WinnyBella.