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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

childish curiosity or abuse-may be upsetting for some

99 replies

snowplough · 30/11/2010 22:10

I don't really know where to post this but I want some sensible advice.Also don't want to go into too many details which anyone could identify (have name changed fairly recently)

Would you consider a 12 year old boy taking a 7 yr old girl somewhere secluded and putting his hand in her pants and her hand in his, to be normal childish curiosity or something more sinister?

I need urgent advice please

OP posts:
SkyBluePearl · 01/12/2010 13:13

not acceptable and not normal - you need to talk to social serices urgently. the 12 (now 14 and almost an adult) year old will know its wrong - and took her some where quiet away from people to abuse her. If he is still trying it on with her then who else is he touching - toddlers, other young girls? your daughter might be a small part of a bigger picture. Your daughter has to come first - it would be very very bad to stand back and not do anything. It is irrelevant what the boys mother thinks and I'm sure will find that she will try and keep it quiet so no one else in the village finds out. The boy is at fault and the shame will be on him.

please do something.

narkypuffin · 01/12/2010 13:16

Police. And I'd delete this thread.

SkyBluePearl · 01/12/2010 13:17

my daughter is 7 and we live in a small village. i'd report it straight away - no questions asked.

tomhardyismydh · 01/12/2010 13:19

Look at this thread

duchesse · 01/12/2010 13:24

snowplough, given that he's still trying aged 14, you need to deal with it asap. He definitely knows it's wrong at his age and needs to be reminded in no uncertain terms. And good on your DD for saying no.

MsGeeupaChristmasTree · 01/12/2010 13:28

You need to report this.

I don't think anyone else has posted this POV but if you don't what kind of example are you setting for your DD?

That in a situation of abuse the priority is not causing a scene? I'm sorry but FFS you need to rethink your priorities.

Your DD took great courage in talking to you about this. Great Fucking Courage. And your response is to worry about gossip? Do you think that she would come to you a second time if you don't show her that you, as her parent, can deal with this? That you caan make sure that it doesn't happen again?

I'm sorry, I know you must be upset but FFS.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/12/2010 13:30

I was going to say your DD must come before what people think but was too chicken!

If I had had the courage to tell my mother and she had been more concerned with what people would think I would be devastated.

She has found the courage to tell you because she wants it to stop and for you to protect her - so you must do just that.

MsGeeupaChristmasTree · 01/12/2010 13:33

Sorry if my post was harsh but FWIW I didn't have the courage to go to my parents when I was abused by another child because I thought they would react pretty much as you have = brush it under the carpet, say to keep away from the person. In other words, do very little to make a child feel protected. Your DD needs to know that she has an adult in her corner who will fight to protect her. To know that she has nothing to be ashamed of, that here is no need to hide this, or keep it secret.

Its taken me 25 years to move on but this post makes me very angry. I cannot believe that there is even a discussion about it.

myheadisconfused · 01/12/2010 13:38

snowplough, it's rare that I get involved with these kinds of the threads, because they're very emotive - but you really do have to man up and do something about this asap. Whether you are intimidated by the boys mother or not, you have a duty of care to protect your daughter. I am quite surprised that you have to ask, if I'm honest.

dignified · 01/12/2010 13:40

I think that if you dont take any action it will portray to your daughter that this is something to be ashamed of and something to keep secret . It isnt . Shes done nothing wrong and was very very brave to have told you about it.

titchy · 01/12/2010 13:46

What if he'd raped her? Or attempted rape? Would you not go to the police becuase you're scared of his mother and the gossip she might spread?

altinkum · 01/12/2010 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loflo · 01/12/2010 13:51

snowplough - I understand that this is a really difficult situation for you to be in but PLEASE take it to the appropriate authorities.

It takes a community to raise a child and for your daughters sake and for the young man involved you cannot ignore this and bury your head in the sand.

Do it today.

Duna · 01/12/2010 13:58

FFS- he is fourteen. Call the police

altinkum · 01/12/2010 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duchesse · 01/12/2010 14:07

The boy in question needs some specialist intervention. His mother may well be furious in the short term, but that doesn't mean that the best long term response isn't to call specialist services (accessed through the police). Her first instinct will be to protect her son, your first instinct MUST be to protect your daughter and any other girl in the neighbourhood that he may turn to next.

altinkum · 01/12/2010 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyRobyn · 01/12/2010 14:12

Please please report it, This happened to me when i was 5 by the babysitter who was approx 14/15 at the time.

I told my mum as i was really upset and knew at that young age that he shouldn't be touching me.

Nothing was done but i would be hysterical everytime my mum had to get a babysitter in.

It did affect me and sometimes i still get really angry that it happened. (am now in my 30's)

Knowing that this has happened twice should be enough for you to take action now.

I wouldn't hesitate if anyone dared lay one finger on my daughter, Gobby mother or not.

There is lots of good advice here, please don't ignore it.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/12/2010 14:21

I think you are pretty naive if you think it is the end of the matter because your dd stood up to him. Next time he will be better prepared.

A 14 year old boy punched the daughter of a friend in her stomach. He beat up an 11 year old girl in his school, and tried to rape another.

You must protect your daughter. NOT reporting this is failure to protect your daughter.

thesecondcoming · 01/12/2010 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VagosaurusRex · 01/12/2010 15:25

I know you mean the best for your DD, but something very similar happened to me when I was a child. I was 12 though (old enough to be seen as 'wanting it') and my parents chose to do nothing for fear of the backlash from our little community.

Because they refused to act, I subconsciously blamed myself, which I continued to do for many years after. To this day, I resent my parents for keeping it quiet, for sending the message that fear of reprisal and the possibility of a ruined reputation were more important than my self worth.

What will your daughter think of you in a few years from now if you end up doing nothing? And would you be able to live with it?

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe · 01/12/2010 16:54

Are you reporting it snowplough?

Please do.

I was abused by my uncle as a child. I didn't tell anyone at the time but I have a feeling it would have been brushed under the carpet if I had. My parents are very non-confrontational IYSWIM. I ended up telling a teacher when I was 13, obviously she told SS and police.

My mum convinced me not to press charges. She also gave a load of excuses to the police. Overall I have a great relationship with her but I still feel betrayed.

Thingumy · 01/12/2010 17:00

I have a similar experience to FreudianFox.

I have trust issues as a adult.

Do seek help for your dd and then abusive 14 year old will get the help that he obviously needs.

MsKalo · 02/12/2010 22:18

My thoughts are with the ladies who have posted about abuse that has happened to them - you need to listen to them snowplough. Please let us know what is happening

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