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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

childish curiosity or abuse-may be upsetting for some

99 replies

snowplough · 30/11/2010 22:10

I don't really know where to post this but I want some sensible advice.Also don't want to go into too many details which anyone could identify (have name changed fairly recently)

Would you consider a 12 year old boy taking a 7 yr old girl somewhere secluded and putting his hand in her pants and her hand in his, to be normal childish curiosity or something more sinister?

I need urgent advice please

OP posts:

Unrulysun · 30/11/2010 22:38

It's abuse. Please report it straight away. I deal with child protection and you must get this looked into. It's possible that he is the victim of abuse but also he's likely to be doing this to others and possibly girls who are younger than your dd. You need to speak with the police who will advise. Keep it low key and ask for advice by all means but it needs to be looked at.

Original poster

snowplough · 30/11/2010 22:44

I am a bit scared of his mother.One of her older sons (probably about 17 at the time) got an underage girl pg several years ago , and she went round saying that the girl was a slut and it's up to the girl to stop the boy.This is why I am very very nervous of involving any authorities because I don't want my DD badmouthed.

OP posts:

momentsintime · 30/11/2010 22:44

Call NSPCC or Childline confidentially. You don't have to give them your personal details. Let them give you the advice you need.

scurryfunge · 30/11/2010 22:45

Your daughter is 9 - how can she be badmouthed? You have a duty to protect her from harm. What could the mother do to you that is worse than her son sexually abusing your daughter?

GotArt · 30/11/2010 22:46

Be there for your daughter and tell her you are sorry that it happened. Commend her for saying no and coming to you for help. I don't think a 12 year would necessarily 'know' that it is wrong, particularly if they are being sexual abused at home themselves IYSWIM. At 14, he should know that it is wrong, but like bullying, bullies are first bullied at home and they extend that to the outside world. Phone the appropriate authorities now and report it. You may find the police and social services are savvy already on the household.

Pigglesworth · 30/11/2010 22:47

Research indicates that paedophiles commonly begin offending at around this boy's age. Also, with a 5-year difference between your daughter and this boy, this again indicates adolescent paedophilia/ child abuse. Please report it.

Original poster

snowplough · 30/11/2010 22:47

Actually I'm going to ask for my last post to be removed as it is giving away too many details.

OP posts:

FunkySnowSkeleton · 30/11/2010 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarianneM · 30/11/2010 22:47

Scurryfunge - exactly! What will this boy do next? They sound like a nice family.

momentsintime · 30/11/2010 22:48

Social Services will deal with it in FULL confidence BTW. Your daughter need not be named as its unlikely that they would try to prosecute over something like this. But that kid needs help. And your child needs to feel she's been taken seriously, that it's not her fault, at all, and that she'll be protected.

faverolles · 30/11/2010 22:49

Snowplough - what a strange attitude the mother must have!
If she badmouthed your dd who was 7 at the time (and 9 this time, but with the guts to stand up to a 14 yo) what's the worst that can happen?
No 7 yo girl can be accused of being a slut, or leading him on, so please don't think like that!

humanoctopus · 30/11/2010 22:50

I wouldn't blame you for being scared of his mum if she had that attitude to your daughter.

Badmouthing of your daughter would be beyond your control and protecting her (and his future/present victims) is more important.

Please find the courage to contact social services in the morning.

Please also confide in a close friend or family member as you will need the support in the coming weeks as this gets going.

I'm sure you wouldn't want any harm to come to anyone else, only you have the information and therefore the power to do something positive.

MerrilyDefective · 30/11/2010 22:53

Why are you even asking?
You know it's wrong.
Report it .

MerrilyDefective · 30/11/2010 22:55

And scurryfunge is also right in that the boy may also be a victim but..

Your priority is your DD.

Original poster

snowplough · 30/11/2010 22:58

Thanks for your replies.I am going to sleep on it before I decide on a course of action.I dob't think he is a threat to DD now as she has stood up to him.Of course I don't want there to be other victims but my first priority is protecting my DD.I know many people will think I am mad for worrying about my dds 'reputation' for want of a better word.but I have seen people say something really nasty things about victims of any sort of sex crime before.Remember that little 5 yo who was snatched from a school playgound and raped years ago, and the family got vile letters from people saying their little girl was a whore.

OP posts:

curlymama · 30/11/2010 22:59

IF, and I mean if, it won't be definate, your dd does have to talk to someone, it will be a professional and she won't have to be alone. It will besomeone that knows exactly what they are doing, and it shouldn't be traumatic for her. Please don't let that thought put you off reporting it.

This will be a huge emotional shock for you too, possibly even bigger than for your dd, so do try and get yourself some support over this. I know your first concern will be for dd, but you are important, and will be best placed to help her if you are supported. I hope you are ok.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/11/2010 23:00

Snow, there is a lot of good advice on this thread. Contact the NSPCC and ask their advice. Talk to your DD and ask what she would like to happen.

I would urge you to report this to someone as it does sound as though this boy is coming from a home where this is "normal". However, your first duty is to your very sensible, very brave DD (it is a testament to your parenting that she had felt able to confide in you and you should feel very proud of you both). So you may need to report anonymously.

QueenStromba · 30/11/2010 23:04

If the boy was under 10 when this happened then it could be childish curiosity. Any guy that I've talked to about it has told me that they were wanking by the age of 11 so for a 12 year old to do that it was definitely sexual. If nothing else you should report it because that sort of behaviour can be indicative of the boy being abused himself and because, as someone else has mentioned, he is probably doing similar to other girls. It would probably be a good idea to have your daughter speak to a councilor about it too - she might seem fine now but it could start to affect here more once she hits puberty and has a better understanding of what happened.

Original poster

snowplough · 30/11/2010 23:05

But whoever i speak to will want to speak to the boy's parents won't they.And it will be obvious I think that it is DD they are talking about.The dad is ok but the mum won't admit her DS has done anything wrong and will be looking round for someone else to blame, and that someone else can only be my DD or DH and I.This is what is worrying me.We are in a small village and the gossip machine is horrendous.There are so many angles to consider.I just want my DD to be protected and people not looking at her and whispering

OP posts:

GotArt · 30/11/2010 23:07

YOu know your daughter's not a whore, so really, who gives a fuck about what others say.

momentsintime · 30/11/2010 23:07

Hi Snow - as a last resort ( if you really cannot bring yourself to involve your daughter) report it completely anonymously to Social Services child protection. If the family is already known to them there;s a good chance they will investigate. This is abuse, your daughter has been abused, it's highly likely the boy has tried the same with other children, and will do so again,it may escalate, it's not going away.

StuffingGoldBrass · 30/11/2010 23:10

But you will not be protecting her by doing nothing. She will feel that no one cares, that nothing can be done. And unless this small village is some hideous inbred community where child rape is 'traditional' you will probably find that other parents of little girls who have been assaulted will come forward and support you and your DD.
Also, for the boy's sake, something needs to be done now, while he is still a juvenile - if he gets to 16 before action is taken against him, it will be purely punitive: at 14 he will be seen as young enough to need help.

MarianneM · 30/11/2010 23:10

snowplough - please don't let him get away with this. He could do something worse.

Tortington · 30/11/2010 23:11

look, professionally need to assess whether this boy is potentially dangerous and if he has or is doing this to other children. this is more than just your child.

my first port of call would be to ring the police.

Sakura · 30/11/2010 23:11

not sure what's going on with the 12 yr old, but the 7 yr old has definitely been abused by him. The way you describe the scenario, I'D even be a bit worried about a 12 yr old girl. 12 yr old girls know their own minds just as much as 12 yr old boys and would not have to be coerced into anything by being "taken" somewhere. They'd be just as into it as him IYSWIM.

So the coercion part rings bells for me.

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