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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

childish curiosity or abuse-may be upsetting for some

99 replies

snowplough · 30/11/2010 22:10

I don't really know where to post this but I want some sensible advice.Also don't want to go into too many details which anyone could identify (have name changed fairly recently)

Would you consider a 12 year old boy taking a 7 yr old girl somewhere secluded and putting his hand in her pants and her hand in his, to be normal childish curiosity or something more sinister?

I need urgent advice please

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/11/2010 23:11

he could be doing it to others.

curlymama · 30/11/2010 23:12

If you call the NSPCC they won't make you give any details. If you feel like they are pressuring you to, just put the phone down.

For your dd's sake, you need to get some professional advice. Even if all you ever do is let her speak to someone trained to deal with this sort of thing to make sure she is ok with what happened to her. Even if you never speak that boy's name again.

By the way, it's best for now, until you have decided what to do, that you don't question your dd yourself.

If you feel like you need some space to talk about your thoughts in a confidential way without any judgement, you could call Samaritans. They would just let you babble on about everything that's going on in your head, and that might help you make a descision about what to do. They won't offer you any advice or anything.

You do NEED to do something unfortunately.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/11/2010 23:14

Snow they will want to speak to the boy and his parents. It may not be obvious that it is DD that they are talking about unless the boy in question admits to it (and if he does legal ramifications will follow). Yes, perhaps the gossip machine will go into overdrive, but this family have previous and no one in their right mind will believe a 7yo to be a "slut" (typed that with a little bit of sick in my mouth).

Rape Crisis and NSPCC will be able to advise you, without forcing you to divulge details or report it.

Your duty is to your daughter. Seek advice and do what feels right. Don't worry about the gossipmongers. Your DD and how she handles this is much more important than your address.

borderslass · 30/11/2010 23:15

I'd report I went through it from a young age and it leaves deep mental scars if not dealt with, for the sake of your DD please report it now. The hell with his mother's feelings if shes thinks protecting a monster in the making shes just as bad.

momentsintime · 30/11/2010 23:15

And unfortunately to state the obvious - you cannot protect your daughter 24/7 from him. If he decides to overpower her he probably can presumably being bigger/older. If he escalates to rape/forcing her to do what he wants he won't be rationally thinking about the consequences, he'll just do it.

huddspur · 30/11/2010 23:15

I think you need to report this, he is far too old for it just to be curiousity and the fact he took her to somewhere secluded shows he knows this as well.

MiniMousse · 30/11/2010 23:19

You are fearful of reporting because you love your daughter and want to protect her. There will be other parents in your community who love and want to protect THEIR children just as much.

You as an adult have a responsibility towards ALL those other children in your community, ALL of whom are - or may become - potential victims, past victims or current victims of this boy.

Your daughter was brave enough to a) say no to him, and b) tell you about it. There may be other children who are not as strong as your daughter, and at the moment YOU may be the only adult with the knowledge to report and stop it.

I know you are worried, and I really feel for you - but please please ring the NSPCC or social services, or the police, and tell them what you know. Please.

ravenAK · 30/11/2010 23:19

Police.

I couldn't keep quiet - even if I felt it was the best way to protect my dd - at a price of this lad abusing other children.

& a 14 year old instigating sexual contact with pre-adolescent children is very definitely abuse.

Can appreciate how difficult it is for you, but it needs sorting. Sad

Kaloki · 30/11/2010 23:20

Please report this. :( If you don't then he could be abusing others, possibly even younger than your daughter. And he could potentially do worse things.

Think about how heartbroken you'd feel to know someone knew about what he was doing before he did this to your daughter.

Rev084 · 30/11/2010 23:24

You sound like you're threatened by the mother, so she can spread a bit of gossip, is that all she can do? I grew up up in quite a rough area and still live in one now, if anyone so much as looked at my daughter in a menacing way, I'd be down that persons house so fast to knock their block off (12yrs, 14yrs or whatever). 14 is a young adult with an adult mind.

Your daughter needs you to protect her. Preventing the abuse should be your first priority , not gossip or reputation. Have you told your husband about it? Maybe he could deal with the situation better.

Look at it this way, if he approaches her again, will he accept another 'no'? Is your daughter physically able to protect herself from him?

TattyDevine · 30/11/2010 23:28

Please report it.

You can make a difference.

I know you dont want your DD to become known or notorious for having had an incident of abuse happen to her, but it wont necessarily happen. Even if you think its a given that it will all "come out", its so, so much worse for it not to.

What's the worst thing that can happen? And is it as bad as having this lad on the loose perhaps getting worse, doing worse, to more girls, including your DD potentially?

Just feel the fear and do it anyway. Make the call.

mamatomany · 30/11/2010 23:29

The mother will not be able to gossip because a court will stop her and with her parenting skills under scrutiny I'd suggest she'll be keeping a low profile.
This is a police matter.

classydiva · 30/11/2010 23:33

Tell her dad and get him to talk to the boy.

SirBoobAlot · 30/11/2010 23:34

Scary mother or no, you need to protect your daughter here. This is a horrible position for you to be put in, but you have to step up to it, report him, for the sake of your DD, for him, and for any other children he could be putting at risk too.

iTigress · 30/11/2010 23:35

This is a crime.

Your daughter has been assaulted, in a way that will most likely haunt her in the long term.

Please, please put her first. She needs you to do the right thing, and I'd you think logically, in the scale of things the boy's mother counts for nothing. In fact I'm 100% sure that you will be protected from her when (not if) you report her son to social services and then the police if necessary for sexual assault.

scurryfunge · 30/11/2010 23:38

If it becomes a police investigation and the mother or anyone else causes problems for you, they can be dealt with by the police for witness intimidation, interfering with witnesses or straight forward harassment.

Do not let that stop you.

AnyFucker · 30/11/2010 23:40

Please ignore classydiva's obnoxious and inflammatory post.

Talking to the boy would be the very worst thing you could do.

mamatomany · 30/11/2010 23:42

in a way that will most likely haunt her in the long term.

Er lets hope not eh ?
But again you need guidance to make sure she feels safe and that you'll protect her.

mamatomany · 30/11/2010 23:44

they can be dealt with by the police for witness intimidation, interfering with witnesses or straight forward harassment.

This is true I have been involved with a case where the accused was found not guilty but his relatives went to prison for interfering with a witness, they take it very seriously.

MsKalo · 30/11/2010 23:45

I agree that you should report this. By doing so you are also giving clear signals that what has happened to your DD was not right and you are doing the right thing by reporting it. And remember, he may have, or could in the future do this to someone else if not stopped.

HuckingFell · 01/12/2010 01:39

Report it.

A boy in his third year in senior school (year8? 9?) and a little girl in middle school? Damn right that is wrong.

You have a responsibility to your dd to blow this out in the open as wrong. Not to mention uncovering the less robust victims.

HuckingFell · 01/12/2010 01:41

Oh and a 12 year old and a 7 year old. It is deeply wrong. 12 year olds are boasting about what they have done with girls.

iTigress · 01/12/2010 12:30

Mamatomany of course I hope she isn't traumatised, but it's exactly the kind of first sexual experience which can cause trust issues for the girl later. Without hijacking, I had a similar experience and it did strongly affect my sexual behaviour and relationships. I didn't tell anyone, due to fear that I'd not be believed, that I was overreacting or that I would cause trouble. OP is actually considering not dealing with this properly - I need her to see how serious this is and not let her little girl down.

dignified · 01/12/2010 12:58

I dont think she,ll be telling anyone what her son has done , i know i wouldnt. This is massiveley differant to her older son getting someone pregnant.

And in the unlikeley event that she did , i dont think anyone could say anything negative about your dd .I think it very unlikeley she will say anything to anyone .

I also wouldnt ask dd how she wants to handle it , at 9 she cannot possibly make such a choice . I would speak to the nsppc and take it from there . You have to show your daughter and this young boy that this is serious and shes done the right thing in telling you.

Fuck this woman next door , shes not your problem . Bear in mind , youve nothing to be ashamed of , she has.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/12/2010 13:04

I agree it should be reported.

I have no experience with my own children personally, my DD is only 7 months old, but if it were her I would be absolutely furious. (Not saying you aren't of course)

I wouldn't do anything myself, but would report it, as others have said, there may well be other girls, not as strong as your DD to say no. :(

A boy a year younger but bigger than me used to force himself onto me at about 8/9 and try to kiss me and put his hand down my pants.
I didn't have a clue what was going on at that age, he clearly did and as I said was younger.
It didn't dawn on me how wrong it was until I was much older. :(
In fact, that's the first time I've told anyone.