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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone's a fucking expert

61 replies

MadAboutQuavers · 30/11/2010 20:14

... And it's beginning to really piss me off

I'm currently breastfeeding our three week old DS. He's struggling to settle in the evenings,preferring to feed on and off for several hours until he finally falls asleep in bed next to me, after which he goes into his Moses basket and will stay there during the night feeds, which are every three hours.

My mum is convinced i'm making a "rod for your own back" in that i'm obviously picking him up too much, and should never allow him to go to sleep in bed with me. I pick him up not at every noise, but when his grizzles turn into crying, and I know he's starting to feel distressed. How the hell she can make this assessment when she's 80 miles away beats me, to be frank.

And DP has just doubly pissed me off by saying that he doesn't think we leave him to cry for long enough either. He's three weeks old FFS Hmm

I feel like telling them to both fuck off. But their comments have put doubts in my head that i'm mollycoddling our son.

Am I being unreasonable to want to ignore them?

OP posts:
Lizbertnobacon · 30/11/2010 20:25

My mw told me you can never spoil a baby with love and that's the mantra I have stuck to! 3 weeks is so small, I did exactly what you are doing with my dd. She is 6 months now and sleeps very well in her own cot so don't believe for a second you are making a rod for your own back. Babies need to feel secure. It makes me so cross the thought that anyone would leave a 3 wo to cry. Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job anyway so take no notice of them!

alana39 · 30/11/2010 20:26

YANBU, it's entirely normal for him to cluster feed, entirely normal for you to want to hold him - as I'm sure you've been waiting to do for the last 9 months.

Sadly it is also entirely normal for everyone else to have an opinion, and to voice it. After 7 years I'm getting the hang of ignoring the things I don't want to hear Grin so good luck!

BlueFergie · 30/11/2010 20:26

You sound like you are doing brilliant. God at 3 weeks I would have held them all night standing up, if it meant getting some sleep. Both of mine slept in the bed in the early days getting feeds and by three months they were both sleeping through the night in their own moses basket.
My DD sounds a lot like yours with the cluster feeds in the evening. I would feed non stop from 6pm to about midnight when she conked out. Sometimes in the bed, sometimes in my arms. On the day she turned 6 weeks it finshed and that was the first night she slept through!
You'll get there in the end no habits form this quickly and none are unbreakable anyway. Do whatever make live easier and tell everyone else to fuck off.

thequimreaper · 30/11/2010 20:26

I've had the "rod for your own back" comment off the inlaws so I do sympathise. IME though once they are old enough to bribe they will sleep all night and before then do whatever keeps them happy/gets you the most sleep.

EauRouge · 30/11/2010 20:27

YANBU, you are following your instincts and you sound like you're doing just fine! You CANNOT spoil or mollycoddle a 3 week old baby. Co-sleeping can be really helpful for establishing breastfeeding. This is a good article, do you think it would help if you got your DP to read it? Agree with just lying to your mum if you don't want the hassle of having to argue.

Original poster
MadAboutQuavers · 30/11/2010 20:28

Thank you ladies

The voices of reason reign supreme Smile

Am also going to take your advice and lie to mother from now on. I know she means well, but she does my head in.

Off to feed DS again now!

OP posts:
Lara2 · 30/11/2010 20:30

Ignore them, tell them to fuck off!!!!

You just follow your instincts and it will be fine. You're doing a great job, enjoy the lovely snuggly special times together because in a few short months it all will change.

Like ruby slippers, I breastfed on demand and co-slept with both my boys, who are now gorgeous teenagers, not 'spoilt' and have always slept brilliantly once they moved into their beds as toddlers. Too many people just love to criticise new mums and undermine your confidence. Don't listen to them!!!

KurriKurri · 30/11/2010 20:34

That's how I fed mine over 20 years ago, (ignoring 'helpful' advice from MIL, who had never breastfed). He's 3 weeks old and your his mum - that makes you the expert regarding his needs. Follow your instinct, when mine cried if I hadn't fed them pretty quick I would have flooded the place with milk Grin - I reckoned that was my body saying 'feed your baby'.

Oh and neither of mine grew up spoilt or difficult and were happy to go into their own beds once they were bigger.

MrsChemist · 30/11/2010 20:34

Actually, last time anyone mentioned making a rod for my own back, I said, "well, it's my rod to make."

That shut them up.

Besides, what precisely is so wrong with your baby getting used to cuddles? I could never fathom this.

classydiva · 30/11/2010 20:35

Hey take no notice of the rod for your own back malarky. I never let my kids cry, some do, and I can't stand it if a baby cries they want something and so what if it is just a cuddle.

You do what is best for you.

I take my hat off to those who breastfeed cos I just could not do it.

Goingspare · 30/11/2010 20:35

Do what you know is right. Avoid 'fuck off' to your mum if you can, and blandly ignore.

You might need to have a word with DP though, he needs to be supporting you as you're doing the hard work and clearly know exactly what you're doing.

No, you can't spoil a baby. Yes, sometimes they do cry for attention (Why not? Why shouldn't they have some? What are they supposed to do, recite a poem?). They are not clever enough at 3 weeks to manipulate you, or be trained to behave selflessly. You start teaching him to be a good person a bit later. For now, you are feeding him and making him feel loved and secure.

Notevenamouse · 30/11/2010 20:36

Yes lie to them and ignore. We all have to eventually. They will drive you mad otherwise. MIL used to phone me every day to ask if my first born was sleeping through etc. Firstly, I stopped answering the phone. Then if she did catch me I would say "Oh yes sleeps so well I have nothing to do, seven hours last night...Must dash"

peaky123 · 30/11/2010 20:37

adding another massive YANBU, you are the expert on your baby, so trust your instincts.
Someone on my antenatal thread, sweetkitty i think, described the first 3 months of a babys life as being like the 4th trimester of pregnancy. Babies are squeezed out of a perfect warm, watery world with no hunger or colic or dirty nappies. No wonder they need lots of comfort and love! FWIW, my ds had all his naps on my chest for the first month or two, now settles himself perfectly in his cot.
Keep up the good work, and lie through gritted teeth!

BearCrimble · 30/11/2010 20:41

YANBU. You are doing a great job.

In my experience little babies need to feed almost constantly in the evenings.

You shouldn't leave a tiny baby to cry at all - DP knows jack shit obv.

Have baby in/on your bed when they need lots of night feeds.

Forget routines etc until at least 5 or 6 months - then see if the time is right. They change so fast that what's right one week is wrong the next. Don't hold fast to anything, be flexible and trust yourself.

PatFig · 30/11/2010 20:43

I would not say I am an expert but I do know quite a lot about most things

TheSkiingGardener · 30/11/2010 20:46

Sounds SO like my mum. It annoyed me to the point I sat her down and asked why. Turned out when I was born the advice was to feed them, change them and put them down for 2 hours regardless. She had always wanted to do what I was doing i.e. Picking up and cuddling, but hadn't been allowed and now was jealous....

Ignore, ignore, ignore!

Bousy · 30/11/2010 20:48

I did the same thing, YADNBU. Much too early to worry about setting precedents or 'spoiling' the baby.

Also (and please don't take this the wrong way)... if DS is staying in the Moses basket during night feeds you are doing extra well Grin. I actually tried that one night, I was so desperate for DD to drop off in the basket, but wasn't sufficiently flexible... Grin

sweetkitty · 30/11/2010 20:54

Oh I got a mention on here

Was going to say like everyone else ignore and do what's right for YOU and your baby, trust your own instincts.

I am cosleeping and BFing no4 on demand like all his sisters were, yes it's bloody hard especially in the first few weeks but she's your first let her sleep on or near u do whatever it takes to get the most sleep. The first few weeks fly past anyway.

NinkyNonker · 30/11/2010 20:58

See, I never understood what was wrong with babies expecting affection from their parents and trusting that they will get it.

If you heard your best friend crying in a room on her own would you leave her to get on with it until she fell asleep or go and offer comfort? Personally I would do the latter, and this hypothetical friend is an adult not a helpless little baby! Also, it is rare I can go for hours with no human contact, food or drink...why should a baby?

For what it's worth, DD is asleep upstairs in her basket where she goes at 7pm ish. She will now (normally) sleep through until either 1030ish when I 'wake' her for a feed and then through until sometime around 3-4am. Then she will come in with us, and wake sometime between 5 and 7! If it is earlier in that bracket I arrange us so she can feed and she will generally nod off again for a bit. So she does have some semblance of a routine, and my 'spoiling' her isn't too rod-like at the mo.

DaydreamDolly · 30/11/2010 20:59

YANBU, you sound like a lovely mum.

redflag · 30/11/2010 21:08

God he is only 3 weeks old, still doesn't realises he is not in your tummy, poor little thing. Tell them to shut up, you cant leave a baby that little to cry for any amount of time. :(

DancingThroughLife · 30/11/2010 21:11

Peaky is that really you? And sweetkitty! And mollycuddles. It's like antenatal all over again Grin

Another vote for tell them fuck off and ignore

I hate the phrase "rod for your own back". I always want to shove that rod somewhere unpleasant up whoever says that to me. You can't spoil a tiny tiny tiny baby. 3 weeks is barely even born. He doesn't even know what he is, let alone that you will always come back and he'll only learn that if you keep coming back.

You sound like you're doing fabulously.

christmasheave · 30/11/2010 21:13

I agree with the consensus to tell em to fuck off. My BF on demand dd cluster fed like mad in the first few weeks and then slept through from 8 weeks.

Everyone is an expert, but no one else knows your child like you do.

QueenOfTheNightBeforeChristmas · 30/11/2010 21:24

I agree with the fuck off and ignore advice.

I'm old, I'm 43, DS is 23 and although I can remember that I breastfed him for the first 6 weeks - and for the last week of that I was feeding him every hour cos my milk was drying up - that is about all I can remember without digging out his baby development book.

I can't remember how often he fed during the night before that or when he was weaned. I do know though that I never left him to cry out for fear of 'spoling him' (wtf??) as that is just bullshit.

I am going to be the most easy going MIL in the world cos I have no 1980s advice to offer! Unless the heartless cow leaves my 3 week old GC alone and crying for hours cos that's what the latest baby guru says! Then we might have words...

ilovehens · 30/11/2010 21:33

I had ds1 with ExP who is a complete control freak fascist. He wouldn't let me pick ds1 up when he cried and I was subjected to hours of lectures about spoiling him and making him into a mummy's boy just by responding to him when he cried. I had to sit downstairs and listen to the poor mite crying and crying before eventually not being able to take anymore and just going up anyway, even though I had to put up with more verbal abuse and lectures from ExP when I went downstairs.

ds1 developed behavioural problems around the age of 2. He's also very insecure and very stressful to care for. He may or may not turn out okay in the future. He's a worry.

Had ds2 with husband. Had no problems with picking him up and cuddling him whenever I wanted. No stress and no pressure.

ds2 has no behavioural problems and is doing great. He's a complete dream to care for and is loving and responsive.

I'm not saying that you're in the same position as I was with ds1, but you really need to act upon your instincts and all the advice you've had here because you know best. Never let anyone browbeat you into acting against your instincts. They're there for a reason Smile