Everyone's a fucking expert

[MadAboutQuavers]

... And it's beginning to really piss me off

I'm currently breastfeeding our three week old DS. He's struggling to settle in the evenings,preferring to feed on and off for several hours until he finally falls asleep in bed next to me, after which he goes into his Moses basket and will stay there during the night feeds, which are every three hours.

My mum is convinced i'm making a "rod for your own back" in that i'm obviously picking him up too much, and should never allow him to go to sleep in bed with me. I pick him up not at every noise, but when his grizzles turn into crying, and I know he's starting to feel distressed. How the hell she can make this assessment when she's 80 miles away beats me, to be frank.

And DP has just doubly pissed me off by saying that he doesn't think we leave him to cry for long enough either. He's three weeks old FFS

I feel like telling them to both fuck off. But their comments have put doubts in my head that i'm mollycoddling our son.

Am I being unreasonable to want to ignore them?

[scottishmummy]

practise your im listening face.and fastidiously ignore

[GotArt]

Ignore them. I use to do the whole let them cry bit in the first few months, listening to my MIL, but really, its awful and when I started picking up DD when she cried out and carrying her around in a sling, she completely changed because she was confident that I was around. I read an article and damned if I can't find it now, but research shows that it is damaging to let infants cry it out, physically and mentally and leads to problems later. There was also something about a child that knows their parent is there when they cry out will be more self-confident etc. Damn if I couldn't find the article, the study was done over last 20 years.

[scottishmummy]

congratulations on new baby.cant over love and cuddle at 3wks nor is it mollycoddling.

[MadAboutQuavers]

What lovely supportive posts - thanks so much ladies

Ilovehens - I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with your DS1. That must have been utter torture for you . Poor little boy.

DP has just come up to me and hugged me, and told me I am a fantastic mum and how lucky our little boy is. He's not that bad really

DS is currently lying in his Moses basket making contented little snuffly noises.

I've decided the line for mum is going to be "Mum, stop worrying. There's absolutely nothing to worry about.". End of. Sounds a bit better than fuck off, thinking about it

Thank you once again everyone, you've really cheered me up!

[stickylittlefingers]

I always spent every evening feeding my dc when they were babies. How I loved it! And how happy and healthy they were (and are).

Just go with what seems right for you. I agree with the "hmm, how interesting, I appreciate your advice" then doing your own thing approach. No need to upset anyone unnecessarily, but no need to listen to them when you actually are quite happy doing what you're doing.

Tell you what, I am a terrible sleeper, and especially with dd1 I used to stay up between night feeds reading, with her asleep in my arms. This would be bad "rod" behaviour I'm sure. But we were both very happy, and no harm came of it.

[MsKalo]

What is this modern obsession some people have with getting a baby into a routine so young?! You are doing a fantastic job and what these ignorant people who are bothering you forget is that it is natural and normal for a baby to cluster feed like this. What a lucky, contented and healthy baby you have! I did cluster feeding for first few months and although exhausting it was great and it helps your milk establish - listen to your instincts, you are doing so well x

[LynetteScavo]

You are NOT mollycoddling your son, you are mothering him. Well done!

"I'm currently breastfeeding our three week old DS. He's struggling to settle in the evenings,preferring to feed on and off for several hours until he finally falls asleep in bed next to me, after which he goes into his Moses basket and will stay there during the night feeds, which are every three hours."

Normal, if not text book, and it doesn't last for ever. Tell everyone else to fuck off!

[Rhinestone]

Well, if you had my parents you'd understand why I bypass the subtle and go straight for the blunt!!

'Tis the only language some people understand.

[duchesse]

Actually I'd use this one: "Hmm, thank you, that's certainly given me something to think about." Then utterly ignore it. It's less confrontational and less likely to come and bite you in the bum if you're at a low ebb later, yet achieves the same. New grandparenthood is funny- it brings out all sorts of repressed emotions that have to be weathered along with new parenthood.

[Rhinestone]

Use this line -

"If I want your advice I'll ask for it. If I'm not asking you for your advice then assume I don't want it."

[pastyeater]

YANBU
Ignore it and carry on doing what you are doing. Breastfed babies feed very frequently at this age.

[ilovehens]

I had ds1 with ExP who is a complete control freak fascist. He wouldn't let me pick ds1 up when he cried and I was subjected to hours of lectures about spoiling him and making him into a mummy's boy just by responding to him when he cried. I had to sit downstairs and listen to the poor mite crying and crying before eventually not being able to take anymore and just going up anyway, even though I had to put up with more verbal abuse and lectures from ExP when I went downstairs.

ds1 developed behavioural problems around the age of 2. He's also very insecure and very stressful to care for. He may or may not turn out okay in the future. He's a worry.

Had ds2 with husband. Had no problems with picking him up and cuddling him whenever I wanted. No stress and no pressure.

ds2 has no behavioural problems and is doing great. He's a complete dream to care for and is loving and responsive.

I'm not saying that you're in the same position as I was with ds1, but you really need to act upon your instincts and all the advice you've had here because you know best. Never let anyone browbeat you into acting against your instincts. They're there for a reason

[QueenOfTheNightBeforeChristmas]

I agree with the fuck off and ignore advice.

I'm old, I'm 43, DS is 23 and although I can remember that I breastfed him for the first 6 weeks - and for the last week of that I was feeding him every hour cos my milk was drying up - that is about all I can remember without digging out his baby development book.

I can't remember how often he fed during the night before that or when he was weaned. I do know though that I never left him to cry out for fear of 'spoling him' (wtf??) as that is just bullshit.

I am going to be the most easy going MIL in the world cos I have no 1980s advice to offer! Unless the heartless cow leaves my 3 week old GC alone and crying for hours cos that's what the latest baby guru says! Then we might have words...

[christmasheave]

I agree with the consensus to tell em to fuck off. My BF on demand dd cluster fed like mad in the first few weeks and then slept through from 8 weeks.

Everyone is an expert, but no one else knows your child like you do.

[DancingThroughLife]

Peaky is that really you? And sweetkitty! And mollycuddles. It's like antenatal all over again

Another vote for tell them fuck off and ignore

I hate the phrase "rod for your own back". I always want to shove that rod somewhere unpleasant up whoever says that to me. You can't spoil a tiny tiny tiny baby. 3 weeks is barely even born. He doesn't even know what he is, let alone that you will always come back and he'll only learn that if you keep coming back.

You sound like you're doing fabulously.

[redflag]

God he is only 3 weeks old, still doesn't realises he is not in your tummy, poor little thing. Tell them to shut up, you cant leave a baby that little to cry for any amount of time. :(

[DaydreamDolly]

YANBU, you sound like a lovely mum.

[NinkyNonker]

See, I never understood what was wrong with babies expecting affection from their parents and trusting that they will get it.

If you heard your best friend crying in a room on her own would you leave her to get on with it until she fell asleep or go and offer comfort? Personally I would do the latter, and this hypothetical friend is an adult not a helpless little baby! Also, it is rare I can go for hours with no human contact, food or drink...why should a baby?

For what it's worth, DD is asleep upstairs in her basket where she goes at 7pm ish. She will now (normally) sleep through until either 1030ish when I 'wake' her for a feed and then through until sometime around 3-4am. Then she will come in with us, and wake sometime between 5 and 7! If it is earlier in that bracket I arrange us so she can feed and she will generally nod off again for a bit. So she does have some semblance of a routine, and my 'spoiling' her isn't too rod-like at the mo.

[sweetkitty]

Oh I got a mention on here

Was going to say like everyone else ignore and do what's right for YOU and your baby, trust your own instincts.

I am cosleeping and BFing no4 on demand like all his sisters were, yes it's bloody hard especially in the first few weeks but she's your first let her sleep on or near u do whatever it takes to get the most sleep. The first few weeks fly past anyway.

[Bousy]

I did the same thing, YADNBU. Much too early to worry about setting precedents or 'spoiling' the baby.

Also (and please don't take this the wrong way)... if DS is staying in the Moses basket during night feeds you are doing extra well . I actually tried that one night, I was so desperate for DD to drop off in the basket, but wasn't sufficiently flexible...

[TheSkiingGardener]

Sounds SO like my mum. It annoyed me to the point I sat her down and asked why. Turned out when I was born the advice was to feed them, change them and put them down for 2 hours regardless. She had always wanted to do what I was doing i.e. Picking up and cuddling, but hadn't been allowed and now was jealous....

Ignore, ignore, ignore!

[PatFig]

I would not say I am an expert but I do know quite a lot about most things

[BearCrimble]

YANBU. You are doing a great job.

In my experience little babies need to feed almost constantly in the evenings.

You shouldn't leave a tiny baby to cry at all - DP knows jack shit obv.

Have baby in/on your bed when they need lots of night feeds.

Forget routines etc until at least 5 or 6 months - then see if the time is right. They change so fast that what's right one week is wrong the next. Don't hold fast to anything, be flexible and trust yourself.

[peaky123]

adding another massive YANBU, you are the expert on your baby, so trust your instincts.
Someone on my antenatal thread, sweetkitty i think, described the first 3 months of a babys life as being like the 4th trimester of pregnancy. Babies are squeezed out of a perfect warm, watery world with no hunger or colic or dirty nappies. No wonder they need lots of comfort and love! FWIW, my ds had all his naps on my chest for the first month or two, now settles himself perfectly in his cot.
Keep up the good work, and lie through gritted teeth!

[Notevenamouse]

Yes lie to them and ignore. We all have to eventually. They will drive you mad otherwise. MIL used to phone me every day to ask if my first born was sleeping through etc. Firstly, I stopped answering the phone. Then if she did catch me I would say "Oh yes sleeps so well I have nothing to do, seven hours last night...Must dash"