to think hubby should have cut short his bender

[fayc84]

My husband left the house at 4.30am on Wednesday for a three-day course in Birmingham for work. Fair enough. He decided to follow that up with a three-night boozing session with his brother and former flatmate in Leeds (we live in Fife, Scotland, so a wee way away). I was a little put out that he was going to be away for five nights but I'm 14wks pg and have been so tired and sick I thought it was fair enough that he should get some time away to have some fun.

While he was at the course my morning sickness went from constant nausea to not being able to keep down any food or much in the way of fluids. I lost 5lbs in the space of two days. I spoke to hubby on the phone so he knew I was ill and considering calling the hospital as I was concerned about throwing up even water but there was no offer to miss his boys' weekend.

I started to feel slightly better so did a spot of Christmas shopping on Saturday but slipped on the snow and sprained my ankle really badly. I have been unable to walk for the whole weekend and now snowed in with pretty much no food in the house. The vomiting hasn't really got much better.

I was in tears on the phone to hubby on Saturday because my foot was so sore and there was no heat or power thanks to powercut. His response was I should phone my dad who lives over an hour away to bring me a tubigrip or drive me back to parents' house. No offer of coming home even a day early. Now it looks like he may well be stranded or at least very late with train disruption due to snow. I still can't get out of the house, though am hobbling about inside alright.

So am I being unreasonable to think he should have at least offered to cut his three-day bender short to take care of his ill, injured, pregnant wife, or am I just feeling sorry for myself?

Well he's home and now cooking dinner. I told him how I felt and he seemed upset at folk on MN now thinking he's a bastard. He says if I had told him I needed and wanted him to come home he would've done. He said when he told me to call my dad it was a case of there being no heat or power and there was nothing he could do about it from so far away so he saw that as a sensible solution. Amazing how it all seems so much simpler when we're in the same room rather than hundreds of miles apart.

Broodymomma, it would be good to meet up sometime. I'll attempt to send a message privately.

Waves back at Katie. A wee collection of Fifers gathering here :)

Good to hear that he got home ok, Fay.

I do not think he is a bastard. You were sending mixed messages and he did not pick up on your hint that he should come home.

So you were both BU or neither of you were, depending on how you want to look at it. :o

And you have found some local MNetters, that is fab.

Scorpette, even when I was at Uni (I graduated in 97) no one thought that there were major innate differences in the brains of the diff sexes any more.

I am amazed that NiceGuy is still using that hackneyed excuse. You need to update your system NiceGuy.

I have a friend who said "men park" meaning that they, for instance, get married and everything's lovely and that's where they 'park'. They do not keep up to date with situations.

I know my dad, my brothers, my uncles, cousins - the men I grew up with, the men I worked with etc - do not fall into this category. None of them were brought up to 'park', or they were too intelligent to do so. My dh has been parked in the same basic place for 30 years! It just looks like laziness to me, and an excuse for shit behaviour.

I'm glad your situation is sorted OP. But can I suggest you need to have a nice big chat with your man to prevent any recurrences? Its time he manned up, and it looks like you're going to have to spell that out to him.

As for NiceGuy, I've always found that anyone describing themselves as a nice guy, usually isn't. I still reckon he's the mumsnet troll, as he sounds EXACTLY the same, but I have no proof so will shut up now. If he starts banging on about who pays for the first date though, all bets are off.

I should have said the handbag troll.

"If he starts banging on about who pays for the first date though, all bets are off."

OMG I remember that thread!

I agree with you about men who call themselves "nice guys" always being deplorable.

Oh my fucking god, I have tried to read to the end of the thread before commenting, but only got to the end of p3 and I feel like I'm going to explode. I tried to ignore spidookly's partisan, venomous, hate-filled diatribes on another thread already today, and then I find the same kind of recycled rancid loathing on here. Why are you launching personal attacks and insults on someone just because he's expressing his opinion and understanding (in what he's stated as general terms) of his gender's way of thinking? And in extremely polite and reasonable terms. Why? Because he's a man, which makes you as much of a sexist, chauvinistic pig as you're accusing him of being.

And breeeeeeeeeaaaaaaathe.

Niceguy I think your posts were illuminating and posted in the desire to be helpful and actually add something to the discussion. I also think that, from what I know about how men think, your observations can be generalised to the majority of men.

I've actually just gone back over spidookly's posts (yes, I'm that fucking annoyed ), and here are the things that she's called NiceGuy either directly or by direct implication (ie any man that would do what you're saying - ie you - is x- y-z...):

Stupid, lazy and selfish.
Childish.
Ignorant twat.
Cunt.
Selfish dick.
You really are quite thick, aren't you? DimGuy.

Would it be acceptable to you, spidookly, for a man to use these terms of abuse to a woman trying to provide a woman's emotional perspective on a male-dominated forum? Thought not.

If you think some twat showing up here and explaining to us all that men are naturally lazy and self-interested is "enlightening" that's your problem.

I don't think he's a gobshite because he's a man. I think he's a gobshite because he's stupid, sexist, patronising, and thinks all men are as lazy and shite as he is.

I will not have the men I know and love debased by being spoken for by an utter fucking knobhead like that.

That isn't what he said, and I think you know it, actually. I happen to think that you are also "stupid, sexist (and) patronising". And a knobhead too - I would say cunt, but I find using the slang term for a woman's vagina as the ultimate insult to be rather.... sexist.

Clearly you don't. For you I think it's all about venting your fury in your nasty, insulting, bullying little way, and throwing in as many insults as you can.

Actually that is EXACTLY what he said. Repeatedly.

Your poor comprehension is not my fault.

Although it is most amusing to have someone following me around and checking up on things I've said to give me a good talking to.

spidookly tee-hee yes I'm following you, that's what I'm doing....because you're just so fascinating eh?

I was reading the thread about cricket (nothing to do with you, I'm afraid) and was consistently irritated by your partisan posts. But I just ignored you, because I thought you were a bit absurd. Then I was reading this thread (I'm afraid that was nothing to do with you either - sorry to puncture your amusement), and this time you were not only annoying, but conducting personal, verbally abusive attacks on people. I think I'll report you, actually.

Oh, and how, exactly ?? Or do you mean that's how you interpreted it?

Thanks londonlottie , I think spidookly has a lot of fury that she's venting on here. Fair enough, but I don't think that being that venomous and insulting is in any way acceptable.

I say again - how would you all feel if those insults were directed at a woman posting a 'female perspective' on a male dominated forum?

Oh, and I agree with TSC's post, btw.

WE-elll.
Fayc84 - really sorry you have been having such a miserable old time.
I can remember being pg (first and only) and feeling that it was an immensley special time, (it is, of course!)very heightened, everything felt changed. I went apeshit when DP failed to call me from working abroad in NY, because I was so aware of being pregnant. Later on, with months to go, I got back to just living my life, but hapening to be pg. You were ill, and hurt, and some tlc from your dh would have helped.

BUT sometimes, as someone who is apalled by the seeming swathes of counter-feminist posts I see on MN these days, I think that genarally women could benefit from a little more of the thinking that NiceGuy explains. It would be less exhausting to not to take so much personally. If he is normally considerate and sensitive, then the fact that he didn't rush back doesn't necessarily mean he is selfish etc, or that he would turn his phone off if you abso;utley needed him.

Did you ask him, directly and outright to come home, and tell him why you wanted him and no-one but him? And how much his presence would soothe and supprt you? Or did you tell him your problems and leave it for him to make the connection that you would like him back? Because sometimes that is another gap - being direct.

But anyway,your thread seems to have become a battleground of the sexes, beyond your problem - I hope you feel much better v soon.

Genuinely interested - what is this 'cutting edge' research that shows that there is no difference between male and female brains?

I read the Baron Cohen book about five years ago and thought it very interesting and it certainly reflected my experiences of men and women.

He basically argued that there were such things as 'male brains' and 'female brains' but you didn't necessarily have to be a man to have a 'male brain' - some women display the same qualities (like of systematic thinking is the only one I rememember), but they are more unusual. i.e. most women do have 'female brains'. There was a fascinating picture test at the back which showed only sets of eyes and you had to say what emotion was being displayed; women were generally much better at identifying the emotion, men worse and autistic people much worse.

I honestly don't see how the differences between men and women are simply a result of being dressed in pink and blue as babies and being told to play with dolls etc.

And agree that this spidookly person has serious problems. Don't see how you advance your argument by being so unnecessarily cuntish to someone else who appears to be making reasonable points in a reasonable way.

'man hater' ?? where on earth did you get that one from? SAme planet, different worlds...

Thanks for the link, will check it out.

Hmmm. Well, from that link I learn that neuroscience is still in its infancy. And that Baron Cohen would appear to have slightly more impressive academic credentials than Cordelia.

No disrepect to Australian universities of course. But Cambridge is a bit higher in the world rankings.

Dear Dittany, it is generally accepted that the ranking of the university impacts on the quality of its researchers and hence the quality of the research that emanates therefrom. I simply don't think anything in that link debunks anything that Baron Cohen argued.

Anyway. Bit of a pointless hijack of op's thread.

I know from bitter and boring experience that you tend to go into automatic pilot with your arguments. You lost me at 'man hater'.

Nighty, night.