to think hubby should have cut short his bender

[fayc84]

My husband left the house at 4.30am on Wednesday for a three-day course in Birmingham for work. Fair enough. He decided to follow that up with a three-night boozing session with his brother and former flatmate in Leeds (we live in Fife, Scotland, so a wee way away). I was a little put out that he was going to be away for five nights but I'm 14wks pg and have been so tired and sick I thought it was fair enough that he should get some time away to have some fun.

While he was at the course my morning sickness went from constant nausea to not being able to keep down any food or much in the way of fluids. I lost 5lbs in the space of two days. I spoke to hubby on the phone so he knew I was ill and considering calling the hospital as I was concerned about throwing up even water but there was no offer to miss his boys' weekend.

I started to feel slightly better so did a spot of Christmas shopping on Saturday but slipped on the snow and sprained my ankle really badly. I have been unable to walk for the whole weekend and now snowed in with pretty much no food in the house. The vomiting hasn't really got much better.

I was in tears on the phone to hubby on Saturday because my foot was so sore and there was no heat or power thanks to powercut. His response was I should phone my dad who lives over an hour away to bring me a tubigrip or drive me back to parents' house. No offer of coming home even a day early. Now it looks like he may well be stranded or at least very late with train disruption due to snow. I still can't get out of the house, though am hobbling about inside alright.

So am I being unreasonable to think he should have at least offered to cut his three-day bender short to take care of his ill, injured, pregnant wife, or am I just feeling sorry for myself?

Ok, let me see if I can give an example:

Woman: "I've been sick. I slipped on ice. The power is out"

Man thinks: "Wife being sick, that's normal for pregnancy. Nothing to worry about. She's calling the hospital. Great....OK, slipped on ice, you need a tubigrip. Dad is closer, I'm away. He'll get there much quicker. Send dad. Power is out? Phone power company. Can't do anything. Her dad can take her to his place. He has electricity. Two birds, one stone. Sorted. Where's my pint?"

What woman really means: "I'm pissed off, come home now!"

Who's not said what they meant? Who's tried to solve the problems?

OK Niceguy I accept all that you're saying. So how does morning sickness / tiredness fit in? If your wife is sick, throwing up, telling you she is exhausted, does that somehow not count because these are pregnancy symptoms and can therefore be discounted?

I really want to know btw, not getting at you. I also understand you're speaking in general terms.

Of course it counts. But like I say, we think in terms of problems & solutions. If we cannot solve the problem we tend not to worry about it.

For example, i could sit here and worry about my job security in the current climate but I don't because there's nothing I can do to affect it.

So my wife being sick, throwing up. There's not much I can do to help. If I could help by beating the door down to the doctor then I would. So why worry?

Exhausted? Personally I would step up and help out more around the house. But that's me!

But like I say life goes on. I'd still have work to deal with, bills to pay and friends to see. I'm not saying that because I don't care but because its the truth. I have lots of other issues which take my time up. I cant spend 9 months at your beck & call. It's just not realistic.

Just thought of another example of how I think our minds work differently.

Let's say I'm driving along at a fair old pace and have a near miss. Now I suspect a woman may then get really worried about what just happened, what could have happened (ie. crash, fatality, dismemberment) and how it would affect our nearest & dearest(eg. how would the kids cope, who would bring them up etc.)

As a man, i'd probably shrug and think "Phew! Near miss. What a tosser. People like him shouldn't be on the roads!" The above thoughts probably would never enter our minds.

I must be a man because I think the same as Niceguy2...

Yes, yes, yes, men and women think differently, bit only an inconsiderate twat would think

'So my wife being sick, throwing up. There's not much I can do to help. If I could help by beating the door down to the doctor then I would. So why worry?'t

You worry because she's your wife and she's suffering. You worry because she's carrying your unborn child which should be put before work, friends etc... So if she needs tlc just to feel better than thats how you solve the problem.

'Lastly (and I admit this may be a prime example of being a nonunderstanding man), you are pregnant, not ill"

It's a prime example of being an ignorant twat.

First of all, the OP is unable to keep any food down.

That is ill.

Second of all pregnancy is closer to being ill than to being well. A pathologist friend of mine recently described it as more "pathological than physiological".

Third of all, if someone you love is carrying your child and is knackered and feeling unwell you will do everything you can to make life easier for her and look after her. Unless you're a cunt.

gissabreak - obviously you had very easy pregnancies unlike myself who was totally bed ridden and sick non stop.

I think you needed him to support you and he wasn't there in your time of need. He sounds selfish tit. With some thoughtless men you have to spell it out and they would return home. Some men however just don't care and aren't worth your commitment.

"Woman: "I've been sick. I slipped on ice. The power is out"

Man thinks: "Wife being sick, that's normal for pregnancy. Nothing to worry about. She's calling the hospital. Great....OK, slipped on ice, you need a tubigrip. Dad is closer, I'm away. He'll get there much quicker. Send dad. Power is out? Phone power company. Can't do anything. Her dad can take her to his place. He has electricity. Two birds, one stone. Sorted. Where's my pint?""

Are you for real?

You would leave a sick, injured, pregnant woman alone without power so you could continue drinking?

You need to stop acting as though you speak for all men. I don't know any men, AT ALL, that are that much of a selfish dick.

I'm married to probably the least hint-getting, read-between-the-lines man it is possible to imagine.

But if he hears "wife ill, immobilised, cold, dark, alone, upset, scared" he thinks "must help, how can I get there quickest? what can I put in place for her in the meantime?"

It is absolute bollocks to claim that men like to look for solutions when what you are REALLY saying is that men like to look for excuses to do fuck all to help and just please themselves.

He should be doing most of the housework i agree - you r having a hard pregnancy and need some support

I think MmeLindt had an excellent idea. Take the money you were going to buy DH's present with, ask for money from your parents and go for a 3 day spa break without DH. Take your mother or best friend? Tell him not to bother with present for you this year, you are each treating yourselves! Enjoy and relax. Do it over Christmas when you're in your 2nd trimester and feeling better but not too big. Leave a cleaning/decorating list for DH.

fay - does your husband do anything for himself, apart from book 3 day benders without even running it past you?

Because you do all the housework, make his sandwiches. Let me guess, do you iron his shirts?

You have had awful pregnancy sickness and you've still been making his lunch for him?
He should crawl back from Leeds on his knees through the snow begging your forgiveness and wait on you hand and foot for at least a month.

You are being treated like a mug, please wake up and realise that.

Niceguy- 'I can't be at your beck and call for 9 months'. No, but you can come as close to it as bloody possible if a woman is carrying your child for you, no?

I remember someone called Niceguy on handbag dot comm, who ended up being a troll. He was also called UKguy as well I think.Anyway, even if this isn't the same person he is coming out with the same kind of crap. I was ill when I was pregnant and my husband did everything for me from. He had to, because I couldn't! Certainly if I'd told him that I was sick, injured and miserable he would have been rushing to my side. And I don't think he is unique or even special for doing that. I think the OP's partner is completely taking the piss.

With some thoughtless men you have to spell it out and they would return home. Some men however just don't care and aren't worth your commitment.

dot com
Also I don't know where that from came from?

No Glasto, that's definitely not me. I'm not a troll. Just pointing out some ugly truths which obviously some people don't like to hear.

Fay, you need to stick up for yourself more, sweetie. You are being treated badly and not making it clear enough that he's being unacceptable. Of course, you shouldn't have to in the first place, but it is what it is. Don't excuse your DH's behaviour because of his work - my DP works 40+ hours a week in a demanding job and has always done 50% of all housework. I am currently nearly 16 wks pg and have been severely ill ever since my BFP. I also lost my job just before that and have been too unwell to get another so far. My DP is doing 100% of the housework now and never complains; I have been so ill at times that he has had to wash me and dry my hair. Nothing is too much trouble for him. Not trying to 'boast', just point out what normal caring behaviour you should expect when poorly.

You are not being treated with the love and respect that anyone deserves, never mind a sick and injured pregnant woman. Serious discussions are needed in your home, I feel.

Niceguy, you're talking bollocks. My father has Asperger's and he would never be as insensitive and thoughtless as you suggest comes naturally to all men. He doesn't need to be told that you need to be caring and to help if someone's ill, FFS. He's a total 'Captain Logic' type - which is exactly WHY he would rush home immediately to tend to my mum, making phone calls on the journey home (if not driving) to try and get people round to help her (someone to fix the power, etc.). The logical, practical thing would be for your pregnant partner to be the no. 1 priority in your life and to love and respect her and want to help her.

As for pregnancy not being an illness - whilst this is true, if I was away on a jolly and my DP rang me to tell me that he was being so sick he couldn't even keep water down, had slipped and hurt himself and the power had gone out, I'd move heaven and earth to get back to him. Not doing so is called 'being a cunt', not being logical, male or whatever other bullshit you're trying to excuse that with.

You really need to pick your battles when defending male behaviour. I can't think of any men I know who would behave that badly. Am glad my DP is a genuine Nice Guy.

He does iron his own shirts - I'm rubbish at ironing haha. He does do the dishes every now and then and cleans the cat litter when I moan at him. I think the housework issue is more that he has a much higher mess tolerance than me - he's happy with dirty dishes sitting for three or four or even more days, while I much prefer they are done every night. I sometimes leave them for him but usually snap and just do them because I can't stand the mess after two days.

I told him on the phone I was unhappy at him being away so long and that he continued his long weekend away when I'd told him I was ill and he seemed shocked and defensive and said I knew he had holidays left to take from work and that I told him he should go away with his brother. I'm sure I remember saying yes it seemed a good idea to visit his brother, especially if he had holidays to use up before the end of the year, but I certainly did NOT suggest he pay for hotels and be away for the best part of a week. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he really is being a selfish arse husband.

fAY - Word of warning here from a voice of experience.

My dh behaved in exactly the same type of way when I was pregnant with dc1. I expected he would grow up and man up when our first child was born.

Sadly he didnt, and instead continued his benders and lads nights out as our marriage deteriorated.

We ended up in relationship counselling and the damage his selfishness and love of boozing with the lads has left an indelible mark on our relationship. I am not sure that our marriage will last, though we are working on it and trying to keep it together.

He is still a very selfish person, though has knocked the boozing on the head, and tries to do his bit.

No matter how hard he tries though, the selfishness will always be there.At least he is working on his behaviour.

But DO NOT expect this to get any better for you when the baby comes, if will just get worse, unless you are ruthless in nipping it in the bud NOW. This is completely selfish prick type behaviour, and take Spidookly's advice, sort it out now, or threaten him with leaving, because I can tell you now, that is no idle threat if he keeps this up through fatherhood, you will eventually want to leave him.

did you ask him at any point to come home? Did he refuse to come home at any point if you aksed him to whilst he was away?

There is acceptance of untidiness, and there is downright disgusting - and leaving dishes for 3/4 days is disgusting.

You are having a baby, and while I'm not a believer in everything being sterilised and bleached to within an inch of it's life, you have to maintain certain standards of hygiene. You need to discuss these things now, and not when you are both sleep deprived with a newborn.

'I need to use up holiday from work' - well what the fuck has being away for a weekend got to do with that? Maximum he's used one day?
Perhaps it would be nice if he took some time off to spend with you, looking after you, cooking you some nice meals or whatever. Has he even mentioned that?

"But I do believe I have a better understanding how the male mind works than you."

PMSL :o

the "male mind"

You really are quite thick, aren't you?

Fair point Ali, he would've only used today as holiday. I might suggest he uses up the rest of his holiday to gut the spare room and perhaps start the decorating as it will be baby's room in a few months. And while he's not at work he can have my dinner ready for me getting home for a change!

You really are quite thick, aren't you?

I can't find anywhere where you asked your dh to come home - I don't think you diud at any point ask him to come home - but you expect him to read your mind and if he doesn't then he is selfish as he isn't instinctivley doing what you want him to do.
please stop doing this and actually tell him what you want

Interesting ideas there NiceGuy; something of a misnomer I think.

I happen to be married to one of your ilk. In his case, it boils down to laziness. If he takes that attitude then he does less, he thinks less and (if he's lucky) less is expected of him. The fact that most of our friends - male and female - are shocked at his behaviour, his carelessness and selfishness is irrelevant.

Try harder, LazyGuy, try harder.